I Have The Worst Subconscious

25 Apr

Ugh, I am so glad I can just chill at the bar.

Why? Bad day?

Oh, god yes. Work was hell. Hell hell hell.

I know what you mean. Like, when you had to sexually service an entire Mongol hoard using only a tea kettle and a small chihuahua? Yikes. 

 That… that never happened. I work at an office. I did office things all day. What the hell are you talking about?

Hey, I understand, man. If I had to look Genghis Kahn straight in the eye while I rubbed his taint with a collicy puppy, I wouldn’t want to remember it either.

Look, Subconscious, shut the fuck up. I just want to sit here, drink my beer, and- oh crap, that girl is totally looking at me!

Damn, she’s hot! I think she looks a little worried, though.

Yeah, good point.

She probably just thinks you’re the dominant male.

I… wait, what?

Show her she’s wrong! Urinate submissively! Urinate submissively!

No, I’m just going to talk to her! One second, lemme work my magic.

Gotcha, chief.

You’re flailing, chief.

YES THANK YOU I REALIZE THAT.

She’s leaving, chief.

YES I ALREADY KNOW THAT.

“Um, hi. You… have excellent shoulders! Yessir, those are some damn fine shoulders OH GOD NO DON’T LEAVE.”

Now what? Shall we sit here while you drink your liver in to oblivion?

That sounds like a solid ide- hey, she forgot her wallet!

Steal it! Buy more booze! 

No, dude, think about it: I could take it to her apartment, then get sloppy gratitude smooches!

I like the creepy, creepy way you think, sir. Stalk away!

Okay, she has a business card in here with her picture. Apparently she’s a model and- hey, that’s only a couple blocks from here.

Onward, gallant knight! Lets ignore all the many, many reasons that this is a terrible idea!

I made a chart, actually. See, the green slice represents that bottle of absinthe you just slammed up your ass…

Look, there it is!

Nice apartment. The kind of place you wouldn’t feel sorry for burning down and collecting the insurance on.

What was that?

Nothing. Shut up. Your face. Take your pick.

So, should I just knock on the front door?

No, you should go around to the back, break in through the window, and leave it on her bed. You know, pull off that whole ‘Repunzel’ vibe. 

I am drunk enough to completely believe that. Then again, I’m also drunk enough that my blood is pure acid. Which window?

Um. That window! It has ‘smash me open with your primary sexual characteristic’ written all over it.

Okay, I’m in. I think… I think I’m in the kitchen. Ooh, she’s cooking something!

What’s she cooking? Is it boiling oil? Is it boiling oil?!

No, it’s a respectable pasta dish. I think… is that pesto sauce?

You know, I never really pegged you for a noodle scholar. 

Nah, I never studied. They kicked me out after I killed a- OH MY GOD.

Is it boiling oil?!

No! It’s her! She’s screaming at me to get out!

Quick, pledge your love to her! It’s the only way to escape!

I’m pretty sure it isn’t!

Is she still yelling?

No, now she’s calling the police! And she’s grabbing-

Boiling oil?! TELL THE TRUTH YOU BASTARD.

Normal oil! Oh god, it’s in my eyes.

Oh. That’s a lot less impressive. 

Yeah, I was expecting something a lot more- SWEET JESUS THE OIL HIT THE PASTA ON THE STOVE!

BOLLOCKS.

AHHHHHHH IT’S ON FIRE!

I don’t really have a suggestion for this kind of thing!

NOW I’M ON FIRE TOO! OH SWEET BUTTERY BUDDHA WHY DID I DO THIS ARRGLEFARGLERAWRRR!

Submissively urinate! SUBMISSIVELY URINATE!

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