This Review Is Brought To You By The Phrase “Ghostrape”

27 Apr

What is it with cursed streets having cartoonishly evil names? You never find a cursed street called “Maplethorp”, no no, it’s always “Fear Street”, or “Knockturn Alley”, or, indeed, 100 Ghost Street: The Return Of Richard Speck.

Really? Really, guys? Ghost Street?! Is it just a coincidence that these streets are haunted, or does every municipality try to create at least one sanctioned murder street?!

Not that I have anything to worry about, living on “Stabyouintheface Boulevard”!

Anyway, today’s flick is a found footage ghost movie about some paranormal investigators trying to find the ghost of Richard Speck, a real life mass murderer who made a habit out of raping and killing nurses, because I guess once you move to Ghost Street, USA, you have to find some appropriately fucked hobbies.

(He also collected stamps.)

The film opens with your industry standard “This is all true, fo shizzle”, played over a montage of men setting up cameras. One such man gets ghostraped right out of the movie, and we cut to the paranormal investigators, driving along as they establish their personalities. Goddammit, it’s 90210 Gacy House all over again!

(Just a side note, but why are all the ghosts nowadays rapists? Do screenwriters think the only way we’ll hate the villain is if they’re a rapist? Does rape give some kind of magical “Get out of being dead free” card? And if so, why haven’t the Ghostbusters handled it?!)

“He slimed me.”

Once our paranormal investigators make it to the abandoned hospital, they whip out the cameras and give the general backstory of Richard Speck, also known as… THE BIRDMAN. Wait, seriously? Sweet, now I can play Birdman Kicked My Ass!

They meet up with one of the schmucks who set up cameras earlier, named Mike, who informs our heroes that there’s no cell phone reception (that’s awfully convenient), they need to lock the doors at all time (why, do you get a lot of hobos trying to bum-fight dead serial killers?) and that murderfied fellow from before still hasn’t shown up.

HMM I WONDER WHY IT’S A MYSTERY HUH.

Mike wanders away to set up a camera, but gets his throat slit up by the Birdman. Meanwhile, we get more interaction of the ghost hunters, including the intern who’ll presumably have the same lifespan as one of the interns from Cloudy Night.

So, the stage is set: our team of plucky investigators (and presumably any hobos who wander in) will square off against the Birdman, to see who’ll kick who’s ass. (I’m putting five bucks on the Hypothetical Hobo.)

They decide to use the time honoured tradition of simply ASKING the ghost to come out and play, to which our Birdman… opens a mirror?

Really need to step up your game, Birdypoo.

Seriously, dude. Seriously.

On the other side of the mirror is a secret vent, full of bird feathers and creepy noises. You know, the normal kind of things you put behind a mirror.

Meanwhile, outside, a new person shows up, hears some spooky noises in a pipe, tries to investigate by crawling in to the pipe crotch first, and gets his face bitten off for his troubles. Wait, I’m confused, is this a ghost, or an actual Birdman?!

Because that would be sweet.

The intern and her cameraman explore the facility, lean on the fourth wall a bit (they complain about having to get so much useless footage), and find a toilet bowl full of feathers.

So I guess whatever the ghost ate last night… it was fowl.

They hear some spooooooky noises, and check behind the wall. Lo and behold, another dead bird!

Good god, there are more dead birds in this movie than in Dead Birds.

(Yeah, that’s an actual movie. It was pretty good.)

Our team sits down for dinner and discuss how pathetic the ghost of Richard Speck is because he had such a small body count, and the real ghost they should be hunting is John Wayne Gacy, to which one of the other investigators says “nah, too overdone”.

I… I think we just wandered in to this movie’s production meeting.

“Birdman? What’s that, a ghost who kills birds? That’s stupid. Jerry, you’re stupid.”

Apparently dissing his kill count is a ghostly taboo, so the Birdman spirits the intern away while she’s off getting some cups. After yelling her name for a while, they find an elevator that’s evidently going to the basement, and go to check it out, because you lose your sense of self-preservation when you study ghosts.

Once their, they find that the elevator hasn’t moved in years, and the shaft now has a pool of water in it. Great, so is he the Fishman now?

They yell the intern’s name some more (she’s like the Mr. Beardsley of this movie) before finding her standing in a corner, covered in claw marks and hyperventilating. Christ, it’s like my first date all over again.

After tending to her wounds, they decide to ship the intern out. A fact which half the team seems furious over, and the other half is disturbingly nonchalant. I mean, one of the women ever says “I don’t think it’s really anything to be concerned about”.

REALLY, LADY?! She’s terrified beyond the capacity of rational thought, and covered in gaping wounds, and you don’t think THAT’S JUST A MITE CONCERNING?!

Oh, I cannot WAIT for Birdman to kick your ass.

It turns out that INSTEAD of just opening the door and letting the intern out, they thought that just letting her sleep on the murderapistorture bed would be a neato idea. I- just- WHAT?! It’s like all the intelligence in this movie is a balloon, and it just keeps blowing it away as it goes thrrrrb around the room.

Two of the team wander through the basement, deliver some dime store psychology, and trade exposition. Upon reaching a particularly darkened section, they pull out their camera/remote controlled car and check it out, only to discover the body of that guy at the beginning.

“Oh my god,” cries the woman. “It’s a body! It’s a body!”

Well, welcome to the fuckin’ party, lady!

No, not that kind of party. More of a “you’re all going to die” kind of party.

The jerky leader of the team tries to record one of the women getting dressed, and because the Birdman is a gentlemanly Birdman (“Caw, caw, I must say.”), he gets super-pecked and dragged away for his troubles.

They follow the trail of blood (it’s like the Yellow Brick Road, but different enough to avoid copy-right laws) to a hole in the ceiling, where they debate about who should go up there. Um. I don’t mean to harsh your creative flow, guys, but have you ever considered… oh, I dunno… LEAVING THIS GODFORSAKEN HELL HOLE AND CALLING THE COPS?!

JUST AN IDEA!

Meanwhile, we cut to the sleeping intern who is… getting ghostraped?! 

Oh, COME ON! There’s one thing to joke about it, but I assure you, it’s another thing entirely to watch a woman screaming in terror and pain as a half ghost, half bird rapes her. That is an ENTIRELY NEW LOW.

FOR SHAME, MOVIE. FOR SHAME.

And I can’t think of a joke for that sentence so HERE’S A PICTURE OF A PUPPY.

The rest of the team hears her and charge off to help, but considering the movie so far, you can probably guess that they fail miserably. After seeing her blood pour under the door frame, they finally realize “oh yeah, maybe we should leave”. OH REALLY. I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED.

But they’re pretty much screwed on that idea. As previously established, every window has bars, cell phones are utterly caput, and any hope of opening the front door got dragged away with the jerky leader, because he was the only one with keys. That… was a bad idea, I’m guessing.

Eventually they hit upon the idea of finding the leader’s corpse, which is unfortunately still lodged in the ceiling. They grab the camera/remote controlled car and send him on his way, and they find the leader! Well. Part of him, really, but it was the part with pockets, so it’s all cool.

They decide to send the nubile blond girl in to find the keys, because Birdman has just been so darn accomedating to women so far, hasn’t he?

COUGHCOUGHGHOSTRAPEISNOTCOOLCOUGH

Once there, the blond can’t find the keys, and Birdman does what he is famous for. That is, he kicks her ass.

The team (who, at this point, consists of two guys and a girl) flees in terror to the roof, and discovers a still-alive Mike, because getting your throat slit is something you can just walk off.

After a quick discussion, Mike points out that “you do realize I have bolt cutters, right?” and they head to the basement to grab the tools and slice up the front gate. Mike elects that they all go as a group to find the tools, to which the rest of the group says “screw that!”.

“And the award for dumbest character in a ghost movie is… MIKE! For your award, please accept a quick death. Birdman, if you will?”

Birdman then chases the investigators all over the facility, killing another one, and gets ready to kill the last two, but he decides to let them go through some quick character development first.

The last two wander some more, then hear more tapping noises. The guy picks up a stick, hands the camera to the girl, and tells her to wait there. Then he takes two steps… and the door closes behind him.

Whoops.

The girl sprints off, and finds herself in the room where the intern died, where the secret mirror is found, and where they established at the beginning that you could escape from. She has apparently forgotten about this, and hides under the bed.

Then the Birdman drags a corpse in to the room. Then he pulls in on to the bed. Then he… starts boinking it.

Does it count as necrophilia if one of them’s a ghost?

“What happens under the sheet STAYS under the sheet.”

She escapes the bed, runs in to the boy again, who convinces her that the only way to escape it to crawl through a tiny hole in the wall. She makes it okay, but before he can try, the Birdman helpfully makes him a bit smaller so he can fit through. By, you know. Severing his legs.

The girl, with the camera, crawls through the wall, which turns in to a pipe, and she makes it out! Unfortunately, nobody told her that birdmen aren’t confined to one building, and he immediately eviscerates her ignorance, with both claws.

Oh, and then the front gate opens, presumably to show that he could have done so the entire time.

What a jerk.

“Yeah, I COULD have opened and let them out at any time, but… you know. Fuck it.”

So that was 100: Ghost Street! How was it?

Pretty entertaining! You know, because it had… great characters? Okay, that’s a lie, they were very bland. Nice… cinematography? No, that can’t be it, it’s a found footage movie. Plentiful amounts of… boobs? No, that DEFINITELY can’t be it, I still can’t believe that ghostrape scene. That was horrific.

Near as I can tell, the only reason to watch this Birdman because hot damn he is cool. A half bird, half ghost abomination who scurries through the darkness, killing more birds than Condemned and eating their corpses? What’s not to love?!

I would have preferred him to be a bit more bird, and a little less ghost (because actually being able to see him would be nice), but other than that, I can’t complain about Birdman.

Mostly because if I do, Birdman’ll kick my ass.

3 Responses to “This Review Is Brought To You By The Phrase “Ghostrape””

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