Have You Accepted Crash Course 2 In To Your Heart?

11 May

Hiya, everybody! Those of you who can remember in six dimensions may remember the earlier post from today!

What’s that? You don’t? Yeah, that’s because I hated it. It has hence been deleted, and cast in to the fires of Mordor.

IT WILL BURN, DEAR VIEWERS. IT WILL MOTHERFUCKING BURN.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Crash Course 2, the new Jesus.

Crash Course 2 died for your sins.

The original Crash Course was a Doritos sponsered game, if you can believe that. (And if you can’t believe that, get the hell out. I’ve got paying customers here, and I don’t need you crowding the place up.)

The goal was simple: Run. You start at one end of the game show, run to the other, avoid obstacles, and don’t fall. And you got to play as your avatar, which made all those people with over-kitted military avatars really awkward.

“Don’t look at me like that. I didn’t have time to change out of my work clothes, okay?! Just keep away from the AK-47 and we’ll be fine.”

It was mindless, but enjoyable, which is incidentally what everybody says about your mom!

Oh snap!

Indeed.

I will admit, with no small amount of shame, that I played the original Crash Course so many times that I can beat it without actually paying attention. (By the way, future girlfriends? Feel free to use this fact in any and all arguments. I won’t have a counter for it. I’ll just start weeping.)

So, after realizing that Crash Course 2 apparently exists and immediately buying it, you’re greeted with a series of icons, ads, tokens, animations, and a series of other things that generally scream “We have a budget now! WE HAVE A BUDGET NOW!”.

Unlike the first game, which had three worlds (America, England, Japan), this has four. Amazon, Antarctica, Egypt, and… Pirate Island?

You guys DO know there are more than 6 countries, right?

Like this devilishly handsome country, for instance.

The first thing a veteran Crash Course-r will notice is that now the game has stars you need to collect in order to unlock things. And, no matter how much you try, it is utterly impossible to collect them all the first time around.

(Seriously. We’ve checked. We have scientists for that.)

The next thing you’ll notice is that the background animation has been pimped out, almost to an alarming degree. It looks great, but it’s like if you came home to your wife and she immediately started protesting that “of course she’s not an evil doppleganger, what are you talking about”.

Nobody said you were an evil doppleganger, Crash Course 2, so why do you keep bringing it up?!

The next thing you’ll probably notice if that now you have to run against AIs. And, lemme tell you, I already don’t think I could survive the robot apocalypse  we don’t need to prove it with a foot race.

I’m all for a bag race, though.

I kind of wish there was a “smack other racers” button. Because, after all, here is nothing more satisfying than my red headed avatar girl in Bioshock: Infinite cosplay celebrating her victory by snapping King Alien’s spine.

(Just me?)

And now, all reviews must inevitably lead to this same point, the point everybody must ask themselves at some point in their life; Is it any good?

Well, it feels like it was made for me, but not in a good way. Like the game was getting pissed off at how much I was beating it, and ramped up the difficulty. No matter what I do, the game just keeps kicking my ass. I feel like hiding under the chair and screaming “Look, if I wanted a platformer with a difficulty curve the size of Luxembourg, I’d play Super Meat Boy!

But the real question is… is it free?

The answer is yes. Owning this game costs nothing to you, either physically, or emotionally.

If you do not immediately go buy Crash Course 2, I’m going to track you down and bash fiscal responsibility down your freaking throat.

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2 Responses to “Have You Accepted Crash Course 2 In To Your Heart?”

  1. Tim Hurley May 11, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

    It’s literally impossible to argue against free, but it’s even better when you don’t have to attempt it. Once I get some minutes set aside, Cool Ranch 2 will be mine.

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