I’ll Let Your Toddlers Destroy My House… For A Price

18 May

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: Coming home and discovering that your toddlers have destroyed everything you know and love. The TV? In pieces. Your phone? Wrapped in toilet paper and covered in poop. Your dog? Painted bright pink with ribbons in his hair. Your babysitter? Nobody’s seen her in years.

And you were planning on making such a great cake, too.

And lets face it: It’s GOING to happen. It’s freaking inevitable. Toddlers are like tiny wrecking balls, only with fingers that they can stick in electrical outlets. I’ve had tiny cousins ruin a gigantic, super-duper, “had to threaten the salesman with corporal punishment”, mega-futon, simply because we didn’t keep a strong enough watch on the crayons.

(Giving a toddler crayons is like giving a puppy a chainsaw. Whatever’s going to happen is going to be loud, messy, and you’re not going to make any friends with your dry-cleaner.)

And I, too, ruined a good many thing in my day! I ruined so many white carpets with grape juice that people started forming posses and taking the law in to their own hands. The last thing I heard, our old carpet cleaner quit out of desperation. They found him in the shed weeks later, hanged from his own extension cord.

But I digress.

“You bastards. You mad, mad bastards.”

What I’m offering here is a very, very special deal. You give me a wad of cash (preferably one dollar bills, it makes a better projectile when I have money fights) and I’ll take care of your children. But I won’t do it like normal day cares. You know, like forcing them to eat stale graham crackers, drink musty apple juice, and making them watch old episodes of Jeopardy, Clockwork Orange style.

(Yes, that happened to me. I have issues. A lot of issues.)

You give your children to me, and I will let them destroy literally anything. My TV? Sure, they can smash it with a remote, why shouldn’t they? My alarm clock? Putty in their little sticky hands. My cat? That little bastard can take it.

No more shilling out the kids to grandma and grandpa for the afternoon, and no more coming home to discover your property value has sunk through the floor. You know, along with everything else you own sinking through the goddamned floor.

So send your kids to me! I’ll let your toddlers destroy my house… for a price.

“Ooh, yeah, this is gonna cost you.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: