The Trial Of Steven Moffat

19 May

“Ugh…” groaned Steven Moffat. “Where… where am I?” His eyes tried in vain to pierce the darkness around him.

“Ah, Steven Moffat. You’ve finally awoken.” cried a voice from the shadows. “Welcome, to the Club House of Shadows!”

“Mark 2, actually.” noted another voice. “The first club house burnt down during the J.J Abrams incident of ’02.”

“THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.” snapped the first voice.

“Did you people tie me to a chair?!” Moffat yelled as he attempted to escape his bonds. “How did I get here?!”

“We hit you with a lemon and chloroform meringue pie.” explained Voice Number Two. “We call it ‘A Horrible Mistake’.”

Silence filled the room, until the tell-tale whack of “Voice One hitting Voice Two”.

“Moffat, we have brought you here with a simple challenge. Succeed, and we’ll let you go. Fail… and we’ll release a deadly bee weapon.” Voice One said icily.

Steven Moffat took an audible gulp. All he had to do is complete one challenge, and he could go back to healing puppies or walking on water. (Or whatever it is Steven Moffat does in his spare time.)

“Okay,” Moffat said cautiously. “What is it?”

A pen and paper flew through the air, and landed in Moffat’s hands.

“Write a story…” whispered Voice One.

“… That doesn’t end in a cliffhanger that irritates everyone, until you pick up the story one season later.” finished Voice Two.

“O- okay…”

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess (who looked exactly like Benedict Cumberbatch) who lived in a beautiful, shining castle, began Moffat.

“Good, good!” cried Voice One.

And then, a mysterious voice made the castle explode and create an alternate universe-

“No no no no COME ON!” screamed Voice Two.

And then the wise and benevolent King turned in to John Hurt. The End.

The sound of buzzing and the screams of British authors filled the Club House for hours.

I kind of have a love/hate relationship with Steven Moffat.


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