Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series that gazed in to the abyss, then asked it out on a date.
Don’t ask me how I know, but the abyss is an awful kisser.
According to the subtext in my latest political thriller, See Spot Run, Freshly Riffed is where I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts. Also, keep an eye out for my next opus: Spot Loses It And Guns Down An Entire Orphanage In An Orgy Of Death.
Each title will be linked to the original author, and remember; All mockery is for mockery’s sake only. (This is what some people call “basic politeness”. I call it “lawsuit shielding”.)
Ahem.
Wedding Tips For Marrying A German: 5 Things To Know Before ‘Die Hochzeit’: Without a translation, I am forced to assume that “die hochzeit” means “the inevitable gruesome double homicide”.
I Wish My Father Were A Junkie, Pathological Liar, Conman…: What, are we supposed to choose what you wish your father were?
(I’m putting five bucks on “arsonist”.)
Why I’m Through With Organic Farming: It’s because you discovered orgasmic farming!
…
I apologise for that mental image.
I hope this makes it better.
Adventures In Editing, Part V: Wait, how the hell can you have an “adventure” in editing?! You’re dotting the I’s and and crossing the T’s, not saving the Ark of the Covenant from fucking Nazis!
Why “Twilight” Sucks: A Comprehensive Analysis: The only “comprehensive analysis” one needs for proving Twilight sucks is to actually read it.
A Message To The Moms Who See My Special Needs Child As A Disney Fast Pass: Nah, special needs kids make awful fast passes. They’re too hard to hole-punch.
Walking In The Light: Walking in the light is no fun!
Walking like a dinosaur in the light, however…
Mother’s Day: If you bring up that movie one more time, I’m going to tear your arm off and beat you with the wet end.
Disney Faces Backlash Over New “Sexy” Merida: I have no idea who “Merida” is, so I am forced to assume they’re finally sexing up the Pixar Lamp.
Violence Against Women Is Not A Joke: It is if it’s with a pie!
Reconstructing A Hug: “The full-body hug; a gesture, barely alive.”
“Gentlemen, we can rebuild it.”
“We have the technology to reconstruct the world’s first bionic hug.”
“The full-body hug will be that hug.”
“Better than it was before.”
“Better.”
“Comfier.”
“More erotic.”
“THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR HUG!”
A VERY STRANGE PLACE 
I wrote that “Adventures In Editing” piece. Only thing I know for sure about you is that you haven’t read any of my posts, because you have no idea what an editor does. By the way, it’s “Ark,” and besides, how can an inanimate object fuck a single Nazi, let alone more than one? (Yes, I get to joke right back. No offense.)
Well, presumably the Ark of the Covenant is covered in dildos. That would make fucking it surprisingly easy!
Funny or not, I -didn’t- need that image in my head.
Hey, just be glad I didn’t go with the obvious “Don’t look in to the (flesh)light! It’ll melt your face off!”.
Yeah, you’re right. That image would have been much, much worse. Wait a minute… Damn.