Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part Three

21 May

Another day, another batch of horror movie trailers that’ll either make me giggle or urinate submissively. You know, sometimes I think about making my own horror movie, but then I think about the last time I tried that and then I remember that actors are horrible people.

(Oh, don’t lie, actors, you know it’s true.)

Ahem.

Number 10: The Last Will And Testament Of Rosalind Leigh

What do you want me to close? My legs? I don’t think you were clear on that part.

Also, dude? “Someone else is here. You know who it is”?

The only dead person in this room is my Dad, and unless he suddenly found a way out of that jar, I think we’re pretty fucking safe!

(We locked it, like, three times.)

Number 9: State Of Emergency 

And now, instead of talking about how zombie movies are done to death (and if you say anything about it being done to “undeath”, I will castrate you with a hedge clipper), I will come up with alternate titles for this movie!

“The Attack Of The CGI Blood Splatters”

“Zombies Are Still Scary, Right?”

“The Film Reel Was Soaked In Urine”

“Date Of Emergency”

(That last one is in case it turns out to be a romantic comedy.)

Number 8: Dead Mine

Oh, great, it’s the bizarre, twisted spunkbaby between Tomb Raider and Dead Snow.

Wait, would that be “Tomb Snow”? “Dead Raider”? A “Stupid Looking Movie”?

Yeah, that last one sounds about right.

Number 7: 23:59

23:59! A brand new story about the horrors of time keeping, chronology, and the military clock!

Watch, as our bold protagonist faces the ever enroaching threat of constantly being late for things, in a world where he has no idea how clocks work!

Thrill, as the dastardly killer hunts his victims with time pieces conforming to a system of time that most people have forgotten how to use!

Fear, as… What? Are you saying that this movie isn’t about clocks?

Well, then that’s just a stupid title!

Number 6: The Frozen

The… “Frozen”?

Look, pricks, I live in Canada. If you still have functioning skin cells and your blood can technically be qualified as a liquid, you ain’t frozen.

Number 5: I Didn’t Come Here To Die

What do you mean, “you didn’t come here to die”? You’re in a horror movie. Not dying is against union rules.

And, is it just me, or could they not decide what clichéd horror monster to use? It’s like role call at George Romero’s house!

“Monster role call!”

“Other Mother from Coraline!

“That ‘are you my mummy’ Kid!”

“Madame Goo-For-Eyes!”

“The Grave Encounters Thing!”

“Blurry-Face McGee!”

“And the rest!”

Number 4: AFTERSHOCK

HAVING YOUR TITLE IN ALL CAPS MAKES IT SCARY, RIGHT?

But hey, even if it doesn’t, you’ve gotta love a premise like that: A bunch of irritating, party going prats get so irritating that the fucking finger of god crushes their insignificant skulls while the puny humans run in terror from the wave of destruction that will destroy their petty, insignificant lives!

HAH HAH! HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! RUN, PUNY MORTALS, BEFORE MY PITY WASHES OVER YOU IN A CLEANSING FIRE TO BE SPOKEN OF FOR THE AGES!

Moving on.

Number 3: Mimesis: Night Of The Living Dead

So… it’s a movie about a bunch of horror movie fans who get dragged in to Night Of The Living Dead and have to use their horror movie knowledge to survive?

Oh no, it’s… it’s…

SELF INSERTION FAN FICTION! RUN FOR THE HILLS! SAVE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN, BUT MOSTLY ME!

Number 2: You’re Next

A bunch of people in creepy animal masks chasing a Christian family through the house with crossbows? That’s not a horror movie, that’s the set-up to a bad joke.

But you have to acknowledge how original it iiiiii- wait a second, I’ve seen this before!

A home invasion movie about people in creepy masks chasing down the unsuspecting heroes? With a trailer that ends with an old song playing over the carnage, in a manner that might be construed as ironic?

Somebody just watched the trailer for The Strangers!

Number 1: Lucky Bastard 

“Lucky Bastard was a website that ran a contest where the prize was having sex with a porn star”.

Wait, what?

“The encounter would be filmed from beginning to end and uploaded to the site for anyone to view”.

Oh, okay then.

No, actually, I’m sticking with my first answer: Wait, what?!

Who exactly came up with this idea?! “A guy who won a contest to boink a porn star, but then he gets embarrassed so he kills everything”?!

This is the dumbest, most blatant, most embarrassing concept for a horror movie I’ve ever seen. AND I WATCHED 1313: UFO INVASION.

And, most importantly… why isn’t Ron Jeremy in this?!

4 Responses to “Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part Three”

  1. Bob Bonsall May 22, 2013 at 8:30 am #

    It’s not really fair to say that actors are horrible people. They’re like mannequins: they just pretend to be people.

    • averystrangeplace May 22, 2013 at 9:36 am #

      I WISH actors were just mannequins. Mannequins are easy! I can work with mannequins! If you put a mannequin in one place, he’ll still be there when you come back! Unlike actors, who’ll leave midway through a shoot to get some candy, and conveniently “forget” to come back.
      Argh, one of these days I should really write about that time I tried to make a zombie movie.

      • Bob Bonsall May 22, 2013 at 10:20 am #

        Hey, actors are easy…. OH, you didn’t mean THAT kind of easy.

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  1. Do You Want To Kill A Snowman? The Frozen Review, Part One | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 27, 2014

    […] … Wait a minute, snowmobile? Young couple? The Frozen?! I know where I’ve seen this before! I reviewed the fucking trailer! […]

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