Daily Riffed 2, Electric Boogaloo

Oh man, will I ever get tired of putting “Electric Boogaloo” at the end of things with “two” in them?

[All sources point to ‘no’.]

This time around, we’re boogalooing (that sounds filthy) “Daily Riffed”, that Freshly Riffed spin-off where I go to The Daily Post and mock the prompts that WordPress offers to help burgeoning writers. This is otherwise known as “me being a dick”, but hey, I already wrote the opening, so I might as well write it and pencil in a horrifying revelation for later.

Ahem.

Fiction writers: You’re stuck in an elevator with an intriguing stranger. Write this scene. Non-fiction writers: You’re stuck in an elevator with a person from your past. Write this scene.

What if you’re “A Dick Joke Writer”? Do you write a scene where you’re in an elevator with a giant anthropomorphic cock?

“Quick! Captain Short-Hairs! How will we get out of here?!”

“Wurrblewurrblewurrble.”

Hee hee hee, I’m scarring any children reading this.

Tell us about the last time you were really, truly jealous of someone. Did you act on it? Did it hurt your relationship? Photographers, show us something GREEN.

Why are you yelling at photographers? Don’t be mean to the photographers! After all… it’s not easy being green!

…

What, I get nothing for that?

…

Philistines.

When you started your blog, did you set any goals? Have you achieved them? Have they changed at all?

The only goal I have for this damn thing is “Get a ‘Freshly Riffed’ Freshly Pressed”. The sheer irony of the whole ordeal will tear the space/time continuum asunder and somehow result with a velociraptor becoming my biological grandmother.

You receive a gift that is bittersweet and makes you nostalgic. What is it? Photographers, show us GIFT.

Jesus, don’t say “gift” like that! It sounds like you’re trying your best Zuul impression.

“There is no WordPress. Only GIFT.”

You encounter a mysterious man offering you a magic potion that, once sipped, will make one of your senses (sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch) super sharp — but dull the others. Will you sip it, and if so, what sense do you choose?

Man, usually when a mysterious man walks up, offering me a taste of “his magic potion”, there’s usually a lot more trench coats and jail time involved.

Tell us about the most surprising helping hand you’ve ever received. Photographers, show us HANDS.

Oh, okay!

Oh, is that not what you meant?

Write down the first sight, sound, smell, and sensation you experienced on waking up today. Pick the one you’re most drawn to, and write. (For a bigger challenge, pick the one you’re least drawn to.) Photographers, show us one of the five senses — bonus points for depicting a smell! 

The only “sensation” I get first thing in the morning is a complete and unending lust for the subjugation of mankind and also a bagel.

Tell us about something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail (and tell us why you haven’t tried it yet).

I would seduce a mountain, the world’s sexiest geographical structure.

On a weekend road trip, far away from home, you stumble upon a garage sale in a neighborhood you’re passing through. Astonished, you find an object among the belongings for sale that you recognize. Tell us about it. Photographers, share an image that says MEMORY.

“Oh my god! Grandpa?! So that’s where we left you!”