Secure, Contain, Prote- ACK!

26 May

Hey, do you like necks?

Hopefully you just said no, because today we’re looking at SCP: Containment Breach! 

Their official motto is “Fuck Necks”.

But first, I must answer the eternal question: What the bloody hell is an SCP? Well, there’s this website, The SCP Foundation. They find these monsters, creatures, artefacts and such, and contain them to keep said monsters, creatures, artefacts from destroying the world, something that almost happens with disturbing regularity.

Anyone can update the site, which entails writing a new entry for the monsters. And HOLY HELL THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM. There’s almost 2000 of the damn things, and they range from “safe”, which means it can be left alone for a while without killing anything, “Euclid”, which means that if they get free, they’re going to kill someone, and “Keter” which means if they get free, they’re going to kill EVERYONE. 

And guess what? Now they have a video game! And I’m sure something called “Containment Breach” in a universe where a flying tomato has killed at least two people and hospitalized at least six more yet is still considered “safe” is sure to be safe and fun!

*coughcough*

The game opens in a tiny cell, with a note on a table. I flip it open, and it’s a note welcoming me to the SCP as a D-Class personnel and… oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap.

The D-Class are death row inmates, spirited away to the SCP as cannon fodder. They’re the Redshirts, the mooks, the guys they’ll throw in to a mystical blender just to see what’ll happen.

And… now I’m playing as one.

Fuck.

“Maybe if we hold really still, the omnicidal lizard won’t kill us. Right? RIGHT?!”

After hammering my head against the wall for a bit, the door opens, and an agent escorts me out. The agents are the foot soldiers of the SCP, and are considered pretty competent. Okay, except for that one time where an entire squad was murdered by non-sapient pasta.

As we wander through the facility (the agents being careful to remind me how dead I am), we reach the first containment room. A big sign sits out front: SCP-173. OBJECT CLASS: EUCLID.

Oh for fucks sake.

173 is, essentially, a hipster Weeping Angel. He came out a couple of years before the Weeping Angels, but he’s basically the same: A big statue who is indestructible, moves faster than you can believe, and snaps your neck in a heartbeat.

Oh, and did I mention there’s a blink meter? And when the meter reaches zero, you blink whether you want to or not?

This… this game hates me, doesn’t it?

DON’T BLINK.

I walk through the door, see two other D-Class, and we’re ordered to walk in to the 173 holding tank. Um, no! Screw you, guy-on-the-intercom! Stepping in to a room with a sentient murder statue with a penchant for high speed chiropracting seems like it would be a bad idea.

Still, with no other option, me and and my deco- er, I mean “friends” step in. “Step closer to SCP-173”, says the intercom. “NO,” I want to scream back. “THAT IS LITERALLY THE WORST IDEA. STICK IT UP YOUR ASS, WHITE BOY”.

As we wait for something predictably horrible to happen, the intercom chimes in again. “Erm. D-Class personnel, we’re having trouble closing the door. Just proceed with the test as usual-”

“Nope!” I sprint out the door as fast as I possibly can while still keeping an eye on 173. “I mean, we still have two other guys to keep an eye on it, so I’m sure nothing can go wro-”

And then the lights went out.

“Oh nooo!” I cried. “Ironic juxtaposition to what I just saaaaaid!”

I’m going to find whoever was in charge of replacing lightbulbs in this place and shove 173 where the sun don’t shine.

When the lights come back, my two compatriots now have significantly less necks, and the only guard in the room is shooting randomly around. Not one to look a gift horse in the gaping neck wound, I high-tail it out the nearest door, tossing my letter of resignation at 173 as I go.

I make it about a two hallways down, closing all the doors as I go, before I reach a corridor that’s shaped like one of those “t” squares in Tetris. No matter, I open the door, head on through and SWEET BUTTERY JESUS IT’S 173 HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET HERE-

*snap*

GAME OVER.

Okay, that hurt. Um. Lets try that again?

Alright, I start in the cell, walk to the containment room, door gets glitched, lights go off, people get killed, I start running, I make it to the “t” room- OH GOD NOW HE’S ACTUALLY STANDING ON THE OPEN DOOR BUTTON THAT’S CHEATING-

*snap*

GAME OVER.

I’m sensing a pattern here.

Necks: They’re kind of a big deal.

So I reload, walk to the containment room, door gets glitched, lights go off, people get killed, I start running, but this time, I notice a new door. I go through it, and see an agent standing around with a scientist.

“Hey, D-Class, get over here!” calls the agent.

“Oh man, guys, I am so happy to see you. I’ve died so many times, it’s not even funny.” I walk in to the room and I turn back to the doorway. “So, what’s the plan? Do we have a protocol for when something like this happens?”

I hear two very distinct “snaps” behind me.

“That was a very worrisome noise, guys.”

I whirl around and HOW DID HE GET IN HERE ALREADY THAT IS JUST NOT FAIR-

*snap*

GAME OVER.

I feel like I’m trapped in a particularly neck-snappy version of Groundhog Day.

Actually, I would totally watch Groundhog Day: Neck Snapping Edition.

I reload, and this time, I try to stay in the containment room-

*snap*

– and after that, I try to hide in the “t” room-

*snap*

– and then I try to sprint in to the room after the “t” room, and I make it halfway across before-

*snap*

– LOOK WOULD YOU STOP IT WITH THE NECK SNAPPING ALREADY?!

Finally, as I reload for the nth time, I notice a “skip opening” button, which I hammer as hard as I can. So, this time around, I start in a large misty room. I wander a tad, before noticing a door which leads to a hallway, which I follow. At the end, I find a new door.

“Ooh, what’s in here-” is all I manage to say before it slams behind me, locking me in a broom cupboard full of noxious gas. “Why does this room even exist- ooooh, my head hurts…”

And then I die, but fortunately, I didn’t get my neck snapped, so I’m calling this a plus.

Like this, but in a cupboard.

I reload once again, and again skip the opening, and I notice a new door. Okay, be careful, I think to myself. The last time I found a door like that, I ended up as the bread and butter in a neck snap sandwich.

I open the door, which leads to a perplexingly large room, with two guys standing in the middle: a scientist and an agent.

“Hey, wait, haven’t I seen you guys somewhere before-”

Lights flicker.

“Oh, now I remember!”

When they come back, the two men are thoroughly de-necked, and 173 is standing two inches away from me. But hey, I still have a neck. Upswing!

I dodge around him, and make it all the way to the other side of the room before the blink metre hits zero and lets 173 jump over to me. And thus begins a ballet of terror, as I dance around the room, trying to find the way out, while 173 tries to kill me every time I blink.

Finally, I find a new door! Finally! But wait, where’s the button?

I look down to search for it.

“Hey, there it is! Now I can get out of here and-”

I look up.

OH GODDAMMIT NOT AGAIN-“

*snap*

GAME OVER.

Yeah, we’re done here.

50 snapped necks is my limit.

SCP: Containment Breach has the graphics of Slender, the “not blinking” of Doctor Who, the opening of Half-Life and the difficulty of Super Meat Boy. If any of that sounds appealing to you, buy this immediately! It’s not much, but it has some cool scares, and it’s nice to play something inspired by the SCP!

Oh, and it’s free.

Wait, did I just spend 2 hours of my time writing a review for something people can get for free?! 

I have way too much time on my hands. And not nearly enough necks.

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