Daily Riffed 3: It’s A Thankless Job, But Apparently I Have To Do It

8 Jun

Oh, I love summer. The sweltering heat, the hoards of insects, the people swinging lawn equipment at my head, they all make great excuses for me to sit inside and make fun of those “Daily Prompts” that WordPress supplies for writers who can’t think of any thing else to do.

(Although, admittedly, sitting inside means I can’t ogle cute girls in short-shorts. We’re all making sacrifices, people!)

Ahem.

How do you manage your online privacy? Are there certain things you won’t post in certain places? Information you’ll never share online? Or do you assume information about you is accessible anyway? Photographers, artists, poets: show us PRIVATE.

What’s this crap about “privacy”?! You guys made me sign a 12 page contract to get this damn site, and that included “randomly rant about your personal life despite the fact that nobody cares”!

(Speaking of which, I got in to a fight with the Roomba today. Isaac won.)

Plan the ultimate celebration for the person you’re closest to, and tell us about it. Where is it? Who’s there? What’s served? What happens Photographers, artists, poets: show us CELEBRATION. 

“The person you’re closest to”, huh? Well, okay, but I heard it’s tacky to plan the ultimate celebration for yourself.

Write a review of your life — or the life of someone close to you — as if it were a movie or a book. Photographers, artists, poets: show us LIFE.

“The main character is an unlike-able jackass misanthrope, the story meanders around with all the direction of a horsefly huffing paint thinner, and the cinematography makes it look like all the main character did was sit inside all summer and write. The only saving grace is that Roomba, who should definitely give me his number.”

He’s a sexy beast.

Tell us about a thing you’ll never write about. Photographers, artists, poets: show us FORBIDDEN.

Actually review a good movie.

If you could get all the nutrition you needed in a day with a pill — no worrying about what to eat, no food preparation — would you do it? Photographers, artists, poets: show us NOURISHMENT.

Here, let me ask the giant pile of money that my family spends every week, trying to keep me fed despite the fact that I inhale food at a rate comparable to one of the portlier Elder Gods.

What’s your dream tourist destination — either a place you’ve been and loved, or a place you’d love to visit? What about it speaks to you?Photographers, artists, poets: show us VACATION.

Why would I bother going to “tourist” destination? Do they have an internet connection there?

(NO I’M NOT THAT PATHETIC SHUT UP YOUR FACE.)

Tell us about your favorite way to get lost in a simple activity — running, chopping vegetables, folding laundry, whatever. What’s it like when you’re in “the zone”? Photographers, artists, poets: show us LOST.

You want to be shown “LOST”? Huh, I didn’t think WordPress had such a big thing for plot holes.

Write about something you consider “ugly” — war, violence, failure, hatred — but try to find beauty, or a sense of hope, in your thoughts. Photographers, artists, poets: show us UGLY.

Well, sure, I could show you ugly, but I don’t think you’d appreciate a picture of Ron Jeremy contaminating your web feed.

Write about your first name: Are you named after someone or something? Are there any stories or associations attached to it? If you had the choice, would you rename yourself? Photographers, show us YOU.

Oh, hell no! The last time I told what my name means, some psychotic Christian guy tried to choke me, and not in a sexy way!

When faced with confrontation, do you head for the hills or walk straight in? Was there ever a time you wished you’d had the opposite reaction?

I just make dick jokes until the confrontation gets confused and wanders away.

11 Responses to “Daily Riffed 3: It’s A Thankless Job, But Apparently I Have To Do It”

  1. Catherine Hamrick May 24, 2015 at 7:50 am #

    You just made Memorial Day weekend memorable. Clipped-wit-smart.

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