Madhere: Part Five

9 Jun

(For Parts One, Two, Three or Four, click here.)

As the narrators of the story, it has been rightly pointed out to us that our background descriptions have been almost entirely lacking up to this point. In order to rectify this, we will henceforth describe the scene in explicit detail.

The following takes place in a café, creatively titled “The Café”. The owner, Joe Washington, was once told that brand recognition was the key to a good business, and after a night of too many raspberry schnapps, he took it way too far.

On this particular day, three baristas were working the morning shift: Cherri (who hates her name with a fiery passion), Terri (who is completely unaware of how much everybody at work hates her), and Merri (who forgot how to spell her name at a young age and just started making it up).

(The odds of you needing to know that is almost infinitesimal, but if we never brought it up, somebody would have probably complained.)

The Café had a colour scheme of green and off-white, and bore the unmistakable stench of a small time coffee-house trying desperately to be Starbucks.

Also, coffee. It smelled like that too.

At exactly 9:12, Todd Arlong strode confidently in the The Café, eyeing Nina hunched over the counter, nursing a coffee, thus setting off a chain reaction of narrative events that we henceforth document.

“Ah, hello, valued employee!” hummed Todd. “Why, don’t you look like a veritable field of daisies and sunshine today! Are those shadows under your eyes, or did you try to use oil drums as contact lenses this morning?”

“There is no middle finger big enough.” muttered Nina darkly.

Todd laughed as he leaned on the counter. “Why, Miss O’Brian, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were tired!”

“You’re just taking advantage of the fact that I can’t mouth off at you without getting fired.”

“Oh, totally. You can’t stop the mockery, Nina. Just lie back and think of England.”

Nina sighed. “My fucking cat kept me up all night, tearing up my underwear drawer to make a fort in the kitchen. Every time I got up to yell at him, he looked at me like it’s my fault and whispered something that I’m pretty sure was filthy in Cat.”

Todd’s eyes glazed over the second she said ‘cat’. “Ooh, you have a kitty?”

“Yeah, he’s Shockingly Racist.”

“I- juh- what?!

“That’s his name. ‘Shockingly Racist’.” Nina took another sip of her coffee, savouring the taste of the rum she had poured in it.

Todd gritted his teeth in response, and if you listened very carefully, you could hear his brain whispering possible locations to hide a body. So much for my good mood, he thought. It’s weird, usually mocking utter morons can keep me in a good mood for at least a week.

“Okay, where’s Darren or Lilah? I wanna get this freak show on the road before I remember that I can’t stand cafés.”

“Oh yeah,” yawned Nina. “They were here a while ago, but they went out to go get ice cream.”

“WHAT?!” snapped Todd.

“God, bring it down an octave!”

“You don’t understand! This is Darren we’re talking about here! Darren! This is the man who filled an entire apartment with spiders just to prove a point! This is the man who  is not allowed to enter any lingerie store in the city, just on principle! This is the man who spends his spare time leading Girl Scouts in to brothels, solely to watch their innocence wither away before his eyes! And you left him with Lilah?! Are you insane?!”

Nina sipped her coffee again, and poured in more rum. “You don’t pay me enough to care.”

“God, who knows what’s going to happen?! He might hurt her! He might get her to quit, which is just as bad! They might wander in here, already currently on fire! They might-”

“There they are.” Nina interjected, gesturing to the doorway. Todd whirled around, and did indeed see Darren and Lilah.

Oh. Um. Whoops?

They had apparently switched wardrobe templates since last night. Darren was now wearing a spiffy business suit, (Wait, what?!, thought Todd.) and Lilah was in a frumpy sweater and mussed up hair, but they were both cheerily enjoying their ice cream and discussing Darren’s old apartment.

“- So I walked in to the laundry room, and there’s my next door neighbour, dick deep in the lint trap!”

“Oh, god no! That sounds horrible!”

“The fact that he was defiling the dryer, or that it wasn’t the least bit sexy?”

“Eh. A bit of both, really.”

“Well, it looks like you were wrong after all.” Nina whispered. “You must be ecstatic.”

“No!” snapped Todd. “I spent all that time establishing the kind of wacky hijinks we could expect, and then that fucker goes and acts like a normal person?! Now I feel like an asshole!”


5 Responses to “Madhere: Part Five”


  1. Madhere: Part Six | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 20, 2013

    […] parts One, Two, Three, Four or Five, click […]

  2. Madhere: Part Seven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 30, 2013

    […] parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five or Six, check […]

  3. Madhere: Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 30, 2013

    […] parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, or Seven, click […]

  4. Madhere: Part Nine | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 10, 2013

    […] parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, click […]

  5. Madhere: Part Ten | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 12, 2013

    […] parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, or Nine, click […]

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