Seriously, Does Anybody Even Use V/H/S?

23 Jun

It… was a dark and stormy night…

Sorry, but it actually IS dark and stormy right now, and I figured, “when the hell else will I get to say that?”.

Anyway, I have to interrupt our diatribe on my own stupidity to bring you a look at something we in the reviewing industry call “Too Good A Target To Pass Up”. It’s called V/H/S, and it’s a found footage film.

Oh, I’m sorry, it’s not a found footage film! It’s a found footage anthology film. Composed out of found footage. And the space in between the found footage is, you guessed it, more found footage. And the poster? Five guesses to what that is.

MORE FOUND FOOTAGE! Oh, this is truly a glorious day for pattern recognition.

Yeah, you can see why I had to review this.

The film opens with a collection of glitches, bad graphics, and blurry shots of cars. Eventually this mellows out, and we see a bunch of mouth breathers with stupid hats and bandannas over their mouths, molesting some woman in a parking garage. Cue boob shot!

You really wanted to get your mandatory “T&A” done pretty fast, didn’t you?

After they run away, we cut to them destroying a house with giggling malice and baseball bats. They do this for about three minutes, while the director desperately humps the screen and yells “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE THESE GUUUUUUYS”.

Next up, we cut to two people making out and undressing, with all the passion of me trying to scratch a mosquito bite. Then we cut to the resident morons watching the video of their molestation and talking about selling the video to a porn company. Oh yeah, because I’m sure there’s a BIG MARKET for “blurry V/H/S videos of some woman’s bosom”.

Oh, what am I talking about, there’s totally a market for that.

There's a market for EVERYTHING. Even me.

There’s a market for EVERYTHING. Even me.

Next, we cut to them driving to a house, where their mission is to break in and steal one V/H/S tape, and possibly sell it online. Okay, I refuse to believe that somebody who knows about the existence of the internet would spend this much time worrying about fucking V/H/S tapes!

One day, the director is going to discover “DVDS” and they are going to BLOW. HIS. MIND.

The gang breaks in and wanders around, before finally finding a jump sca- er, I mean, “the plot”. In a room filed with static TVs, the man who owns the house lies dead.

Well.

THAT can’t be good.

They begin searching through the tapes inside the static TV, and that leads to our first segment. A trio of 20 somethings are standing around, congratulating themselves on building “video glasses”, glasses that record everything one sees, and is somehow unnoticeable by anyone who looks at them.

Gosh, that’s a cool thing for a bunch of guys to make, but you know what would make it cooler? Well, maybe IF THEY CONVERTED THE FILM INTO ANY OTHER FUCKING FORMAT THAN V/H/S!

 

Literally any other format would have been better! Put it on fucking vinyl if you think that’ll help!

The Three Douchekateers have created these incredibly pointless glasses for a single reason; to record boobs. No, seriously, that’s there mission statement. To hook up one of the prats with glasses, then get him laid. Do… do people generally wear glasses during sex? Is that a thing now? And if it isn’t a thing, could we call it “The Clark Kent-her”?

After hitting a couple of clubs, they finally manage to connect with a group of women as morally bankrupt as they are. In their numbers includes a girl who could not be more obviously a monster if she was humming “The Monster Mash” every time she was on screen.

She has the eyes of Marty Feldman, the blank expression of Kristen Stewart, and the only thing she manages to say to our “protagonist” (god, that word feels dirty in my mouth) is “I like you”.

Why do I have the feeling that her version of “like” is closer to our version of “hollow out and plant eggs inside of”?

This has little to do with the “eggs” thing, I just like Marty Feldman.

The party continues, but with these people, I have trouble telling the difference between “having a good time” and “oh god, oh god, we’re all gonna die”. They get ejected from the club, and head off to a motel. So… how long until Monster Girl tears all their lungs out? Because, really, that’s what I’m here for.

At the motel, Monster Girl (with a very conspicuous line down her face) starts hissing at Drunk Friend One while Drunk Friend Two tries to boink in the background. Unfortunately, his paramour has had roughly enough alchohol to pickle a bull elephant and passes out.

Drunk Friend Two is rather understandably irritated, but, less understandably, he tries his luck with the Monster Girl. Okay, don’t lie, this is just a porn, isn’t it? You guys just tricked me in to reviewing a porn!

Drunk Friend Two pulls off her dress, revealing two things: her clearly demonic feet, and her boobs. (He’s really only interested in one.) Once naked, she flips positions with Drunk Friend Two so she’s on top, and she starts giving the camera man a… a handjob, while… Drunk Friend One pulls off his clothes to join the fun and…

This just got…

DANGEROUSLY EROTIC!

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

I KNEW I made this picture for a reason!

Our camera man flees to the bathroom, where he stops to take a breath. This is interrupted when Drunk Friend One bursts in to the room, bleeding from where Monster Girl bit him. Upon being confronted with this, Monster Girl responds the way I think we all would: tearing Drunk Friend Two in to little alcohol soaked pieces!

Dammit, I used the “dangerously erotic” card too early.

The Two Douchekateers (they’re going to have to change all their business cards) hide in the bathroom, grab a curtain rod as a weapon, and get ready to fight their way out. Now the Monster Girl is standing in the middle of the room, practiscing her “stereotypical horror girl yoga” before finding out how many licks it takes to get to the centre of a Drunk Friend One pop.

(Three.)

The camera manages to crawl out, and starts sprinting down the stairs to freedom… which proves to be a problem when he trips and snaps his wrist. Wait, his WRIST?! That’s not an integral part of running! Keep going, you sissy!

Unfortunately, he didn’t take my advice, which leaves him at the mercy of Monster Girl. She shows off her cool monster face, and starts crying when he says she doesn’t like her. Aw, so this was really a love story? A better love story than Twilight, that’s for damn sure!

Now THAT’S a face only a mother could love.

He manages to make it outside, and almost escapes… but it turns out that Monster Girl was hiding a bit more than an excellent forehead ridge. Wings, for instance. And this segment finally comes to abrupt halt, when the glasses fall off our protagonist, mid-flight.

Darn, I was hoping to see the wedding! You know, I always thought those crazy kids should elope.

We cut back to our band of thieves, looting the house, and for some reason nobody feels like bringing up the whole “naked demon murderer” thing. While wandering the basement, they encounter a random naked guy walking around. Good god, what does this movie have with NAKED PEOPLE?!

The next segment begins with a girl, sitting in the car, and introducing what she’s filming to the camera. Basically, road trip film. They find a nifty smashed up car, and some other pointless knickknacks that one would film whilst on a road trip. Including a donkey.

(So the first segment had tits, and this one has asses?! Seems fair!)

(…)

(I’ll let myself out.)

I’ll have my things packed by morning.

NoName and her boy-toy, Sam, wander an “Ol’ West Town”, where they find a fortune telling prospector model. He dispenses some foreshadowing, and is sadly bereft of genuine frontier gibberish.

At their hotel room, Sam is recording NoName as she gets dressed, and… darn, we almost made it ten seconds without pointless tits! We almost hit a new record for this movie!

NoName is, understandably reluctant to let him film her naked, when the door suddenly starts knockin’. They are, of course, filled with terror about this fact. Because doors are scary.

After some mumbled dialogue and some chaotic cuts, Sam explains to the camera that a creepy college girl came to the door, asking for a ride. So, should we start the betting on what she’ll turn out to be? I’m puttin’ five bucks on “Old Ghost Friend Of NoName”!

Any takers? Any takers?

The two go to sleep, everything fades to black, when all of a sudden the camera turns back on. We see that neither NoName or Sam is holding it, which clearly means… that it’s Possesio, patron saint of floating electronics!

Either that or the darkness from Alan Wake is fucking with you.

Our mystery camera man/woman, pulls down the blanket and reveals NoName’s butt, which makes this the second ass of the segment! Possesio pulls out a switch blade and runs it along NoName’s ass, until he decides to go steal some money from Sam. Yeah, some times Possesio has to steal to feed his crack habit.

Possesio sneaks in to the bathroom and sticks one of the toothbrushes in to the toilet. Oh, so this is the great ghost of pettiness!

Sam and NoName start driving along, and arguing about the lost money, an argument that could be easily rectified by just looking at the recording, but the day a character in a found footage film starts acting normally is the day this genre dies.

The two start crawling around rocks, spying an awesome looking canyon, have their picture taken, hear a woman talking on a cell phone, and generally do a bunch of things that aren’t even a little bit scary.

(Not even a little.)

The two go to bed, and lo and behold, Possesio comes out to play! He/she/it is apparently tired of the crappy pace so far, and stabs Sam in the throat. Then… it turns out Possesio was NoName’s secretly lesbian lover!

Then we cut back to the den of thieves, where the guy watching this appropriately screams “What the fuck was that?!”

My thoughts EXACTLY, Guy-Who-Looks-Like-Waluigi.

WAAAA.

And, that’s the end of… actually, wait, it’s about the half way point for this movie?! How fucking long IS this movie?! And unless I’ve got a goddamned time turner, there is no way I can finish this movie tonight!

So. Um. Come back tomorrow, I guess?

 

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3 Responses to “Seriously, Does Anybody Even Use V/H/S?”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. V/H/S: The (Obsolete) Ultimate Evil | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 24, 2013

    […] day, another half of the found footage anthology film that I couldn’t finish reviewing in one day! That’s right, it’s time to polish […]

  2. [record scratch sound effect] | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - October 18, 2013

    […] [It's V/H/S 2, if you're curious.] […]

  3. The Tangled Magnetic Strips Of Ultimate Evil! | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - October 19, 2013

    […] we looked at the first V/H/S, we saw a movie with some good ideas (with a possible exception of that weird lesbian […]

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