Archive | July, 2013

Freshly Riffed 43: Bones Are Exposed And, Well, You Know How That Goes!

31 Jul

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series in which actually writing it is apparently not that important!

Huzzah for laziness!

According to “A Very Strange Audio Book”, Freshly Riffed is where I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts. Also, [PLEASE INSERT SIDE B]

Each title will be linked to the original author, and remember; All mockery is for mockery’s sake only.

Ahem.

Making Do With What You’ve Got

I’ve got sixteen shrimp, a cactus, two pipe wrenches, and the severed head of Huey Lewis. What can I do with that?

Why I Quit Coffee

“Yeah, the pay was good, but it didn’t offer benefits, so I had to quit Coffee.”

May We All Be As Lucky As Venus

… So, we should all spring from the ocean after somebody rips off our father’s testes? Or are you saying we should get caught making out with the god of war by our husband?

I’m not sure you know how mythology works.

Nice shell, lady!

Dancing In Decay

I prefer to tiptoe through tragedy.

The Post I’ve Been Trying To Write For Months

Man, I know how you feel. I suck at updating on schedule too!

coughcoughsorryyesterdaywasn’tanactualpostcoughcough.

The Reasons Why Kids Cry, In Photos

Because cameras steal your soul?

Or is that just me?

How To Meet A Fellow Blogger In Real Life

You need a tranquillizer gun and a jar of deer urine.

For A Good Time Call…

The first person to mention Ghostbusters dies in a shallow grave.

Hell, you’ll be lucky if I even wait to bury you.

EMERGENCY POSTING SYSTEM

30 Jul

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

THIS HAS BEEN A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY POSTING SYSTEM. HAD THIS BEEN AN ACTUAL POST, THERE MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN A JOKE HERE.

Oh, Hai(ku), Marc!

29 Jul

Revisiting shame,

Using unfunny templates,

Because writing’s HARD.

Madhere: Part Thirteen

28 Jul

(For the first story arc of Madhere, click here. For parts Eleven and Twelve, click here.)

“I’m so, so sorry for her, Darren.” apologised Lilah. “Merril is… kind of hard to get along with.”

Darren didn’t hear a word of her apology, because as they walked, she tried to massage the feeling back in to his hand. For Lilah, it was nothing. For Darren, it was like holding hands with a cattle prod, but in a good way.

“Darren? Can you hear me?”

“No, I jus- I just-” Darren struggled for a response while his brain fought it out with his libido. “Why’re you living with her?” he managed.

Lilah stumbled for a moment, and let go of Darren’s hand.

If you listened very carefully, you could hear his genitals screaming in desperation.

Lilah bit her lip and looked down. “It’s… it’s nothing. I just… well, I propelled myself at break-neck speed out of a bad relationship, and I kinda hit a wall afterwards, if that makes any sense.”

“Not even a little.” Darren frowned. “So, if you had to move in with Merril… you were already living together?”

Lilah sighed. “Yeah, I guess we were. Can we change the topi-”

“What happened? Did she knife your mother or something?”

“Well, Darren, she found somebody else. That’s all there wa-”

“Boy or girl?”

Lilah’s mind suddenly flashed to the dark night; walking in to her apartment, seeing significantly more of Jennifer than she Lilah expected, until she realized that not all of the flesh in the room was Jennifer’s.

“Darren.” she muttered very lowly. “I understand that you’re just trying to be a good friend but if you do not change the subject right now I am going to chew through your achilles tendon and leave you in the alley.

Darren fell silent for a moment.

“I’d advise against that. I’m very stringy.”

Lilah began laughing, and looked up once again- and froze.

Across the street, standing by a bus station, was Jennifer. Blond haired, full bodied, wearing far too little, Jennifer. No, wait, scratch that: Jennifer AND her little sweetheart.

“Oh no.” whispered Lilah. “This can’t be happening.”

“Lilah? What’s going on-” Darren saw where she was looking. “Oh. Is that-”

Jennifer was laughing with the other girl, a red haired girl in a turtleneck, and although Lilah didn’t know her name, she could recite her ass from memory. As she was watching, Jennifer stopped laughing, and leaned in for a hug. Then, a kiss. Then, several kisses. Then… well, you can probably extrapolate from there.

“Darren?” asked Lilah in barely constrained fury.

“Y- yeah?” he said very quietly.

“Change of plans. What’s the nearest gay bar?”

“I’m not sure if that’s the best idea, Lilah. I mean, getting wasted and picking up a floozy is always good fun, but that’s for me, and it’s not even lunch yet, and-”

“Darren, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are helping me find a gay bar, and those who I’m going to submerge in cleansing fire and piss on the ashes. Take your pick.”

“To the gay bar!”

END OF PART THIRTEEN.

It’s Like Normal Seduction, But With More Goat Hooves

27 Jul

It’s rare to find a movie that is so utterly, blindingly awful in it’s every aspect of being (Well, it’s rare for other people. I find them all the goddamned time, apparently), but that’s exactly what we have today with a little film by the name of Demon Seduction!

It’s porn, isn’t it.

When is it NOT?!

(Be warned. This movie is mostly violent, disgusting porn. This is NOT suitable for work! Or for family relatives, actually. Or anybody who still respects me.)

The film opens with… a blond woman screaming!

Look, lady, I’m not looking forward to this either, but quiet down!

Unfortunately, they decide to do the exact opposite of that, and… cut to the naked blond woman being chased by an angry guy with a bat’leth while heavy metal plays in the background?

I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Somehow, during the editing, the naked woman has ended up tied up, having blood thrown on her, while the angry guy grimaces, until we cut to the production logo, which is the angry guy (or possibly girl) growling at the camera as though he/she just realized what movie (s)he’s in.

"I AM FORCED TO RE-EXAMINE THE LIFE CHOICES THAT LED ME TO THIS POINT."

“I AM FORCED TO RE-EXAMINE THE LIFE CHOICES THAT LED ME TO THIS POINT.”

Finally, the credits. We get a blurry shot of the skull over our title, “Demon Sex”, and…

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Literally.

We slowly zoom out from our skull, with accompanying music that sounds like a synthesiser got wasted and fucked a theremin, while the credits roll. Now… exposition! We cut to a horrible air brushed painting of an alien stapled to a black curtain. Wait… aliens?

Did you guys even look at the title? Either of them?!

Anyway, we get a montage of the shaky paintings while a bored voice explains the background, which seems to boil down to, “Whole lotta aliens, got to boink humans”, and then we see a naked woman coated in blood cradling a fetus.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!

I'm barely two minutes in and this is already breaking me. This is NOT good.

I’m barely two minutes in and this is already breaking me. This is NOT good.

Eventually, through this slog of exposition, we hear that the aliens are called “demons”, because… I dunno, they already named the movie before they wrote this scene?

Blah blah blah blah, exposition, bloo bloo bloo, grays, aliens, reptoids, demons, science can recreate reptoids with gray bone matter, bluh blrrg blah THIS IS SO BORING.

Ooh, something else is happening! Somebody is lighting a Bunsen burner!

Yay!

Now somebody is slowly putting liquid in to Petri dishes.

Can we get back to the exposition?

Now it’s a fetus in a jar.

Delicious.

Now it’s somebody very, very, very VERY slowly putting food dye in to ice cube trays.

Now it’s a slow pan of test tubes.

Now we’re back to the Bunsen burner.

Now somebody is making ice tea.

Now… oh god! It’s an establishing shot of a big fancy office building! Do you know what that means?! We’re out of the fucking lab!

Thank you, great god of film!

We cut inside, to a fat guy sitting behind his desk, analysing aliens DNA and talking technobabble to himself. Oh, you have got to be kidding me! I thought this was porn! GET TO THE DAMN PORN ALREADY!

Er. I mean, not that I’m looking forward to the porn! I’m just…

Shut up. I’m lonely.

The fat guy finishes analysing the alien skull, and calls his boss. Said boss instructs him to keep this earth shattering discovery a secret, which the fat guy is oddly okay with, because that means he gets to go to the club! Does… does that mean something is actually going to HAPPEN now? Oh, bless my stars!

At the remarkably smoky club, a woman a leather bikini and little else starts stripping and rubbing her boobs together and other stripperish activities, despite the fact that the entire club is empty! I think you’re missing the point, lady.

Okay, scratch that, the fat guy is there! Another stripper is giving him a relaxing back-rub while he blathers about how important his job is. Man, whatever they paid that actress to touch that guy, it was not enough.

She’d better be swimming in it, Scrooge McDuck style!

The stripper, who looks alarmingly like Miley Cyrus, keeps milking the guy’s nipples for information, while the first stripper, who looks alarmingly like beef jerky, keeps dancing on stage, with a look that says “I do not want to be here, and am held here at gun point”.

This goes on for a while, with Beef Jerky rubbing her body, bending over, playing with herself, and boy oh boy, can I tell you how NOT turned on I am. I mean, wow, I’ve seen more erotic goldfish!

Next, we cut to… inside the same club, with the fat guy and some other guy are talking, and Miley and Marilyn Manson are hanging out on stage. They mess around with some collars, tear each other’s clothes off, nuzzle each others crotches, and I would legitimately like to know what life choices I have made to lead me to this point. 

Okay, fuck it. This thing has gone on for ten minutes, and we’ve got ten more minutes to go. ENSIGN! FULL SPEED ON THE FAST FORWARD!

[Editor’s Note: But captain! We don’t have the power!]

I SAID DO IT!

Yes, this is how Netflix works.

Ten minutes in the future, Miley is faking an orgasm and stabbing Marilyn, and the fat guy is cradling Beef Jerky. What the hell did I miss?!

The mysterious third guy, who looks remarkably like Jason Stathem, is unimpressed by this murder, or maybe he’s just judging her obvious fake knife! I’m pretty sure I bought that knife for Halloween once, and it made a hilarious squeaky noise every time I tried to stab someone.

We cut… TO THE SAME FUCKING CLUB, where Miley is in Jason’s lap, and Beef Jerky is delivering drinks. Jason turns out to be some kind of biazrre talent scout, and offers Miley a job in return for sex. She says she’ll think about it, and immediately runs off. Ooh, you done been rejected!

Oh snap!

This picture makes me far, far too happy.

As Miley is being consoled by Beef Jerky, who it turns out it blond, the fat guy (okay, let’s go with “Michael Moore”) and Jason discuss how sexy shoulders are. Man, this movie just keeps rampin’ up the revulsion!

Miley is talking on the phone to… someone, about how Beef Jerky invited her and the friend to live in a house with a bunch of other women, and if this turns in to a lesbian porno, I am lighting Netflix on fire and sprinting for the hills. Don’t tempt me, matches are cheap.

We cut to the house, where a bunch of creepy women are talking about the friend’s baby, while Miley is sporting her FOURTH hair style by now! So, the creepsters agree to take the two in, and we cut to Miley and the leader playing with each other’s hai- okay, what is with this movie’s thing for hair?!

We cut to the house again, with a Pauly Shore look-alike who we’ve never seen before, watching two women who’ve never shown up yet skinny dipping. This is where I’d usually scream ‘fan service‘, but I’m fairly certain this entire FILM is fan service.

The women swim around, splash, and generally waste time, before one of them gets out of the pool to say ‘hi’ to Pauly. He gives her a cigarette, and in return, she makes dick jokes.

I was not expecting to get to use this again.

I was not expecting to get to use this again!

She makes some innuendos and veiled threats, and the two of them start touching each other and tongue-thumping. Oh, goddammit. Would complaining that I have a headache get me out of the sex scene?

Huh. Apparently it does! We cut to the house again, with the leader asking some guy, who I assume is Michael Moore’s boss, to work on the alien DNA. The boss insists that having the tests done in time for the baby is impossible, until she gives him a blowjob, because that means that he can alter the space/time continuum!

We cut to THE SAME GODDAMNED HOUSE, where the woman from the pool is somehow wearing even more clothes, and cuddling with Shore on the kitchen floor. CUE DRAWN OUT SEX SCENE!

Unfortunately, their regulation standard sex scene is ruined when Pauly Shore starts demanding she chokes him, so he slaps her in the face over and over again till she starts bleeding, so she strangles him till he starts bleeding but he’s still slapping her so she strangles more so he hits harder and their blood and she orgasms and-

Looks like this just got…

DANGEROUSLY EROTIC.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

BOOM!

Meanwhile, at Science Incorporated, Miley is chatting it up with Michael, who gives her some samples and advises her that she should keep working at the club. Oh, don’t worry, I’m pretty sure this movie won’t let an excuse for “sex scene” like that go untapped!

Back at the house, Pauly wakes up in the basement, where a very strange girl asks to be his friend. And when he says no, she hacks him up, and… starts preparing his skin as food for the mother?!

THIS MOVIE IS JUST A TWELVE PIECE BUCKET OF WRONG.

Back at ScienceCo, Moore is sciencing it up, and at the house, the demon women are… shooting demon eggs up the pregnant woman’s uterus?!

THIS IS NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY EROTIC.

Later, in the… dungeon? Since when did they have a dungeon? Anyway, random lesbian foot fetish scene with Miley, which ends with her getting run over with knives. Fortunately, in a couple scenes, she gets a sexy shower sequence to wash all the blood off!

Yay?

I fast forward through all that, so once again, we’re at the club. Michael and Jason are discussing the demon sample, and how they plan to get rich off it. This is, naturally, intercut with a stripper because OF COURSE IT IS.

Everything in this movie is a stripper, and if they’re not stripping their clothes, they’re stripping their hopes and dreams.

Back at the house, the boss and the demon leader are congratulating themselves with a sexy bubble bath. Unfortunately, when she hears how Michael shot his mouth off at the club, she tears his head off with a single pull and starts rubbing the blood all over herself.

You know, at this point, it’s not even worth questioning.

When Michael and Jason meet at the house, Jason gets his head sliced off. And nothing of value was lost!

Michael gets stabbed in the neck, Jason’s head gets stabbed some more, and I’ve officially run out of booze!

Some goth woman I don’t recognize murders her boyfriend in the shower, the demon baby is born, Miley growls/burps in the shower, the leader takes the baby, I’m fast forwarding, blah blah blah FINALLY THE CREDITS ARE HERE! WE’RE DONE!

Fucking FINALLY.

Demon Seduction was, without a doubt, the worst movie I’ve reviewed on here. It combined the revulsion of Mother’s Day with the boring and the porn of 1313! It was boring, poorly shot, with terrible film quality, horrid audio, ungodly characters, nothing dialogue wise, nightmarish soundtrack, special effects that weren’t so special, and IT WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING.

But it has the distinction of being the first movie on here that I’ve actually had to fast forward! Oh, and it’s the first film that was actually so bad it made me cry.

THAT IS NOT A JOKE. 

The Next Generation!

26 Jul

Hiya, peeps and peepettes!

Because writing an average of about 400 words a day for an entire year was clearly not enough, I’ve started a Tumblr!

Specifically, THIS Tumblr!

With this NEW Very Strange Place, I’ll… I’ll…

Yeah, I haven’t entirely nailed down what the hell I’m going to do with this thing. But, um. It’s there! It’s got that going for it!

All I’ve figured out is, A) It’s purple, B) It’s called A Very Strange Place, C) I had to put hyphens in the URL and that will never stop pissing me off, and D) REBLOGGING IS A HATE CRIME.

For ME, I mean. I’m saying I won’t reblog anything unless it has to do with A Very Strange Place. You guys can go ahead and reblog away!

(Hee hee hee, free view counts, here I come!)

WordCamp: DAMN YOU ALL

25 Jul

Hey, what’s this thing that just showed up in my email?

[Editor’s Note: Oh, that? It’s an announcement for WordCamp.]

What the fuck is a WordCamp? Is it a World War 2 re-enactment for authors?

[Editor’s Note: No, it isn’t, it’s- wait, why the hell is that the first thing you think of?!]

I lead a very troubled life.

Pictured: My elementary school.

[Editor’s Note: Well, anyway, WordCamp is big conference for WordPress.]

Wait, who’s WordPress?

[Editor’s Note: You seriously don’t remember them?]

… Did I date them?

[Editor’s Note: They host your site?]

I got nothing.

[Editor’s Note: They update Freshly Pressed?]

Freshly who?

[Editor’s Note: You have to pay them 18 bucks a year for your domain name?]

Right, they’re the jackasses who keep stealing my money! What about them?

[Editor’s Note: … Anyway, they’re holding a big convention, all about WordPress and crap. It’s in San Francisco, and the founder’ll be there and everything.]

OOH! What’ll they be talking about?

[Editor’s Note: Coding, themes, personal stories, content strategies, stuff like that.]

So, wait, they’re throwing a high profile party for WordPress users… and I wasn’t invited?!

[Editor’s Note: … Yes?]

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.