What Goes Around, Reviews Around: Part Four

3 Jul

Hey, everyone, I’m back! And I know you’ve all been dying for me to keep reviewing that crappy science fiction story I wrote!

Really? Nobody cares?

Fine. Screw you.

PREVIOUSLY, ON BRIGHTER FUTURE: Our still-nameless protagonist and his “spunky” sidekick, Jane, are attempting to stop an army of insane zombies from causing the second apocalypse! He has amnesia, she’s a jackass, and they’ve found an underground facility filled with identical people.

Ahem.

“I was swept up in the hoard of identical people, taken through the dull grey interior of the vault.”

‘Dull grey’? Ooh, descriptive! 

““Ooh, you’re new!” said one of the Sally’s as she tugged on my coat.

“Where did you get this?” cooed one of the Billy’s as he held my baseball bat.

“Your statue is cute!” said another Sally.

“Yeah, totally!” one of the Billy’s agreed with her.”

This story is held together with annoyance and plot holes. And chewing gum.

“Good god, this must be the set-up for the world’s most disturbing porno.” I muttered under my breath, and it was greeted by laughter from the assembled masses.

YOU ALREADY USED THAT LINE, and if you blame the fact that you used it twice on fucking amnesia, I WILL LIGHT YOU ON FIRE AND BURY YOU AT THE CROSSROADS. 

AND THEN I’M SALTING THE EARTH.

““Listen,” I tried to get their attention. “Is there a commander or a boss or someone that I could see? I have some important business. Involving murdering you all, most likely.””

Yay! Murder! That’s the best thing you’ve said all day!

“They apparently didn’t hear this last part, and immediately started ferrying me through the confusing network of tunnels and orange hallways.”

Wait, “orange”? I thought it was grey! WHAT’S GOING ON?! LIFE MAKES NO SENSE ANY MORE!

“I was thrust in to a dark room, and the door slammed behind me.

Well. That’s ominous.”

Captain Obvious: The Book.

“In the middle of the room was a desk, with a Sally sitting behind it, typing in to a computer. But unlike other Sally’s, she had grey hair and wrinkles. She wore a ratty lab coat and glasses.

“Make this quick.” she said without looking up.”

Yes, PLEASE make it quick. In fact, can we just call it quits here? 

I’m just saying, I can’t get this time back!

““Um.” I said awkwardly. “May I be vulgar?”

“Please do, nobody else down here can.” Sally laughed a bitter laugh.”

The Angry Video Game Nerd would not last a week in this place.

““What the fuck is going on?!” I screamed in an attempt to get a reaction out of her. I’m not exactly what you’d call “calm” or “reasonable” when I’m surrounded by weirdness.

At least, I don’t think I am. Damn this amnesia!”

AMNESIA. DOESN’T. WORK THAT WAY.

“Sally pulled away from her computer, revealing bags under her eyes, and she gave a smirk.

“What do you know? I explain everything all the time to every one all my life and I would like not to do it any more.” she said. “So tell me what you know, and I’ll fill in the blanks.””

Ooh, I smell exposition! 

“I took a deep breath, and said everything in a single breath.

“Something caused the apocalypse and I have amnesia, an infectious hyena hoard is eating rock people who happen to live by a mountain with zombies in it and I call them Legionnaires because of Biblical implications and no, I’m not sure how I know about the bible but anyway, me and a pretty stone person came down in to this mountain to stop the Legionnaires and we found this vault which is apparently filled with identical clones and now I’m in here talking to you.””

Why did I bother writing that “previously on” segment! I could have just copy and pasted this! 

And wait a second, why the fuck is this here?

Recapping The Story Halfway Through: Apparently, it’s a thing now!

“Sally leaned back against her chair. “Apocalypse. Great, as if I didn’t have enough problems.””

Yeah, this apocalypse was so pathetic, some people didn’t even realize it happened.

“Just then, the door flew open. A haggard looking Billy yelled through. “15 minutes to surge.”

“Thank you, Billy 22.” Sally replied.

“Billy 22? Strange names you got down here.” I joked.”

Oh, YOU’RE one to talk, Mr. “Oh Wait A Second, You DON’T HAVE A FUCKING NAME So I Can’t Even Make Fun Of It”.

“Sally leaned forward and shot me a look. “You are either telling me the truth or you are profoundly unwell. Either way, you’ve got a baseball bat, which is clearly a sign of power.”

“No, no, it’s not mine, I’m just borrowing-” I stopped when I saw her expression. “That was a joke, wasn’t it?”’

I hope not, that joke was worse than mine.

““Got it in one.” she said dryly. “I really don’t get a chance to joke that often. Or, well, ever.””

We can tell.

“I looked around the room for another chair, but the only other furniture in the room was a bedspread in the corner.”

Why did you feel the need to point that out?

Quick, everyone! Drop the narrative, we’ve got a goddamned bedspread all up in this bitch!

“Sally began her story. “This vault, lab, whatever you want to call it, was made long before the White Light.”

“The White Light? Is that what happened at the apocalypse? Nobody told me that.””

YOU HAVE AMNES-

““You have amnesia.” Sally pointed out. “How would you know?””

Oh. Um. Thanks, Sally?

““Good point. Carry on!”

She did. “It was filled with scientists of all variety, in an attempt to master cloning. But it… well, it didn’t exactly work.””

Science NEVER works in science fiction.

““Oh, really?” I said sarcastically. “I never could have figured that out with the troglodytes of the damned out there.”

“Hush, you.” she said. “This place got filled to the gills with food generators and power cells and everything we could need. It was the perfect bunker. But a problem occurred. The heat vents on the power cells got overcharged, and they sucked the heat off of almost everything down here.””

Interesting idea, but wouldn’t a heat change THAT dynamic that managed to kill an entire base cause some serious infrastructure damage? Piping and plumbing, at LEAST?

And wait, how the hell does a “heat vent” work? Is it just a vacuum cleaner for hot things?

Science officially does whatever we want!

“A thought jumped in to my head. “Except for 2.”

“Hey, look!” Sally said dryly. “You can be taught.”

“Do you have any setting other than “dry derision”?”

“Is that a clone joke or a scientist joke?”

“Take your pick.””

Could we have a couple more characters in this plot to mock this jackoff? Because I am just LOVING this crap.

““Heh.” she smiled. “The last two scientists, Billy and Sally, decided to just say “Screw it!” and tossed themselves in the Cloning Matrix.”

“You sound mad.” I observed.

“Just a bit. The problem was, other than the fact that trying out a cloning machine on yourself is stupid, was the fact that the White Light came in and futzed with it.””

‘Futzed’: An official scientific term?

“I frowned. “So you mean it didn’t work?””

Yes, the fact that AN ARMY OF SKINLESS CLONE MONSTERS ARE CRAWLING OUT OF THE FACILITY FULL OF CLONES is definitely a sign that the cloning machine didn’t work.

In about five seconds, they’re all gonna facepalm.

“She laughed another bitter laugh. “I wish. The problem is the machine is working, but it won’t stop working. No matter what we’ve done, we’ve disabled the power, switched it off, it keeps making clones.”

I thought for a moment.

“You know, Sally-”

“Call me 16. It’s my designation, and it keeps things simple.”

“Okay, Sally 16. It occurs to me that you could probably break the machine to stop it from working.””

‘Break everything’ is easy-mode for writers.

“16’s expression darkened. “It’s not that simple. There are… problems.”

“Like what?” I asked.

As if in answer, Billy 22 opened the door again. “Sally 16! There’s somebody in the cloning pod! It’s that rock woman!””

Yay! Something to interrupt the sea of exposition!

““Jane?!” I yelled as I started to run.

“Problems like this.” 16 answered dryly as she followed me.”

So… you REGULARLY have random idiotic, vapid, unlikeable rock women drop in to your cloning pod? 

You might wanna fumigate for that.

“Well, THERE’S your problem right there!”

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2 Responses to “What Goes Around, Reviews Around: Part Four”

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