Lumosity, Burn In Hell

7 Jul

Oh, don’t you just LOVE it when a random advertisement on YouTube starts insulting you?

Dear Lumosity; You may not get this, but I pride myself on my brain. It’s pretty much the only thing that I can use to get girls, or friends, or any possible recognition so when you pop up an ad of the most irritating gobshites on the internet bragging about how great their fucking brains are and how I should try your “neuroplasticity” bullshit, you can MAYBE SEE WHY I’D TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY.

Man, it’s been a while since I’ve worked up a nice head of rage! That was fun!

Anyway, because I’ve tried a couple times and apparently I can’t HATE something out of existence, instead we’re going to be doing something even worse.

We… ARE GOING TO REVIEW LUMOSITY!

Well, thought it was impressive.

YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED. Or not. Either or.

Alright, once we head to Lumosity, we get a sudden blast of friendly colour schemes and big clear buttons, almost as though this damn site is talking down to us. “Oh, hello, little retard! Come on in! Aww, can little retard not find the log-in button? Coochie coochie coo!”

I slam my big clicker of justice on the “get started key”, and we’re asked to design our own “personalized training program”. Aw hell, sign me up for everything! My brain’ll take everything you’ve got and ask for fucking seconds!

(I really can’t tell if that’s a boast or not.)

Throughout the whole sign-up process, they keep boasting about their pedigree to an almost suspect degree. They talk about how Lumosity was designed by “Harvard Neuro-Scientists” and how it’ll “unlock your full potential” and “if you use it for only fifteen minutes, it’ll change your brain forever”.

Now… just to be clear, am I signing up for a brain trainer or a cult?

And, more importantly, is there even a difference?

I fill in some personal information, like my name (And of course I don’t give them my actual name! I’m signing in as “Avery Strangeplace”), my gender (Wait, is Avery a boy name or a girl name? I think it’s a girl name. Fuck. GUESS I’M A GIRL NOW), my education (Okay, we’re getting creepy again), and how I heard of them. (Unfortunately, ‘from my deepest nightmares’ is not an option.)

We get launched in to my profile, and a big shiny placard pops up, explaining what Lumosity is in small words and simple pictures.. Okay, now I KNOW you’re being condescending.  If you break out the hand-puppets and the alphabet blocks, I am leaving.

Okay, so the opening’s done! Time to begin our training montage, and find out whether or not I’m the best around or whether anyone’s going to keep me down!

The first game is “Speed Match”, which is apparently a “fast-paced exercise, Speed Match exercises your brain’s ability to process information and thus improves a wide variety of cognitive skills”.

(That’s just fancy talk for “cards fly by and you say whether or not they match the previous card”, but apparently saying things really pretentiously is part of the ‘neuroplasticity’.)

And naturally I ace it, because my brain is MADE OUT OF MAGIC. (Seriously, I checked.)

There. That’s EXACTLY how that works.

ROUND TWO: THE MEMORY MATRIX! It’s… like if Minesweeper and Simon Says had a baby. And despite the fact that I’ve never won a single round of Simon Says and Minesweeper always kicks my ass like I owe it money, I somehow manage to pass the Memory Matrix with flying colours!

And finally…. Eagle Eye, which essentially Where’s Waldo on a time limit. With birds. And there aren’t any other things to look for. And you have to find a number too and OKAY FINE IT IS NOTHING LIKE WHERE’S WALDO.

And there go, we’ve finished the workout for toda… wait, what? That was like, five minutes! And I can’t play any more of the games till tomorrow! Didn’t you say it takes ten minutes for this crap to work?! I want my fucking money back!

Oh, I jest, of course! I didn’t spend any money here but… hey, what’s this button?

“Unlock full access”? It’s… it’s a subscription service? That costs fourteen dollars a month, or seventy dollars a year, or one hundred dollars for two years, or three hundred fucking dollars for a lifetime subscription?!

SO. Let’s just get this crystal clear. 

You fuckers made a brain training” box of flash games, an insulting advertisement that has followed me around for about TWO FUCKING MONTHS, AND IT TURNS OUT JUST TO BE A SCAM TO GET MY FUCKING MONEY?!

AND I NEVER GOT TO USE MY TRAINING MONTAGE!

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9 Responses to “Lumosity, Burn In Hell”

  1. Tim Hurley July 8, 2013 at 12:04 am #

    Sounds like Kindergarten… which I passed! Lumosity had it coming. To would-be customers, there’s a better plan to help your brain -and- save money— Don’t watch ‘reality shows’, and occasionally read a book. You’re welcome.

    • Bob Bonsall July 12, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

      In its defense, anyone who would pay to use this service obviously needs it.

  2. * December 30, 2013 at 9:36 am #

    Dude, I fucking hate fucklosity. All they want is money, that’s what makes the world go ’round. But OMFG they try to get your money and if you go shopping everyday u probably know what consumerism is? Well look it up. I hate how they insult and treat people like shit. But the ones that are shit never get insulted. Lumosity is like “we will help you remember what you want and train your brain” I’m like “aw, go f*#+ yourself”

  3. Fab Morvan January 31, 2014 at 7:21 pm #

    A little sensitive, aren’t we?

  4. Otis February 24, 2014 at 6:44 pm #

    The actors in the commercials remind me of the Hale Bopp cult.

  5. Walleye January 14, 2015 at 7:56 pm #

    I agree with your review. You saved me a lot of time. Thanks again. I’m going to read a book!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Reviewed | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 7, 2014

    […] Number Eight: Lumosity […]

  2. You People Really Hate Lumosity, Huh? | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 24, 2014

    […] And finally, Lumosity, Burn In Hell! […]

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