What Goes Around, Reviews Around: Part Five

10 Jul

Another day, another piece of my humility, served up hot and ready! Welcome back to my review of that crappy science fiction story I wrote, Brighter Future, and remember: NO REFUNDS.

(Wait, did any of you actually pay money for this? Because, I’m not getting any of it.)

THE STORY SO FAR: In the apocalypse, our “amnesiac” “protagonist” is attempting to stop the second apocalypse due to an out of control cloning machine, that his idiotic sidekick, Jane, has apparently wandered in to! Goddammit, Jane, is there anything you can’t destroy?!

Ahem.

“I sprinted down the hallway, passing dull eyed clone and dull eyed clone before I realized that I had no idea where I was going.”

Wow, just like this story.

“”You are going in completely the wrong direction.” observed 16 as she started to run down the other way.”

Again, just like this story.

“I started to follow her. Hey, when in Rome.”

Oh, of course you know the old saying about Rome! I mean, it’s not as if YOU HAVE FUCKING AMNESIA. 

Here’s a fun drinking game: Read this series, and drink every time I mention “amnesia”! You’ll be having your stomach pumped in minutes!

“”Why is this a problem? I mean, if she’s in the cloning pod, won’t she just get cloned?””

Wait, TWO Janes? That’s totally a fucking problem!

“”The pod isn’t the problem.” she said as she dodged between 2 smiling Billy’s. “There’s a cleaning cycle. Just before the surge, it’ll wipe out all biological material it doesn’t recognize. Clothes and weapons will survive, but she won’t.””

Well, then it’s a good thing she’s made of STONE, isn’t it?

“”Oh. Okay, I’m starting to see how that would be a problem.” I rammed in to a Sally and she toppled to the ground.

“The matrix has the Billy and Sally DNA on record, that’s why it keeps cloning them. But I have no idea what’ll happen if… what did you call her? Jane? If Jane gets in there.””

She’ll… get purged in the cleaning cycle? I thought we just established that. What, does the writer have amnesia too?

(Drink.)

“We ran through 2 more corridors before emerging in to the control room. It was a large semicircle, with a bank of computers against the wall. It had a series of a windows above the computers, frosted over so we couldn’t see through them, and a door in the middle. We ran for the door.

“Question!” I yelled at the collection of ragged clones working the computers. “Will hitting something with a baseball bat help?””

Yes, but only if we hit YOU with the bat.

Let’s try it!

“”No!” yelled 16.

“Then I’m all out of ideas!” I moaned. “Why can’t we get her out?!””

Horrible writing, I’m guessing.

“16 started typing incredibly fast as she stared at the computer screen. “The pod locks down right before each surge to prevent cross contamination.”

“Why would they put that in?! That is incredibly stupid!””

Hey, it turns out this machine clones lampshades too!

“”Yes, I know.” she slammed her hands on the keyboards. “It won’t work, the doors are locked down. These computers are only hooked up to the pod, and we can’t get them open.”

On the other side of the window was Jane’s shadow as she paced back and forth.

I thought for a moment.”

Gee, that must’ve hurt.

“”Wait!” I shouted in triumph. “The problem isn’t the door. We need to turn down the cleaning cycle. Is there anyway to do that?”

16’s eyes widened. “Yes! We disabled the console when we tried to switch the matrix off.””

Wait, what?! Why would you do that?! How did you do that?! When did that ever seem like a good idea?!

Turning off vital computer systems: That’s a good idea, right?

“She whirled around and turned to two tired looking Billy’s. “You two! Go reconnect power coupling 7, fast.”

They nodded in unison and sprinted down the hallway, shoving aside a couple of dull eyed clones.

Why are there so many of them?”

A… a CLONING machine. Seriously, have you been listening AT ALL?

“And why are some so… stupid?”

Maybe they were dropped on their heads as embryos!

“I took a step toward 16 as she stared at a new console.

“There’s something wrong with the matrix.” I said quietly.”

I wouldn’t know, I never saw it!

“16 froze.

“How do you know that?” she asked, just as quietly.

“There are more stupid clones than smart clones. And more Legionaries then the others.” I said as I looked around the room, seeing all tired looking 10 clones working the computers.”

Actually, most of the clones are playing Minesweeper.

“”The matrix is failing.” she whispered, closing her eyes. “It won’t stop, but the ones with brains or a personality are few and far between. And then… we get the abominations.””

‘Abominations’? Oh, like Adam Sandler!

Sandler? I just met ‘er!

“She took a deep breath. “That’s what we’ve been doing. Maintaining this facility, and trying to repair the matrix.”

“Oh. Well. Good plan.” I looked up as Jane’s shadow punched the window. “It’s impossible, isn’t it?”

“Yes, completely.” she sighed. “I haven’t told anybody yet.”

“Then why haven’t you destroyed the matrix?!” I asked. “I’m pretty sure we have enough clones. We’re full up on clones!”

16 shot me a look. “The matrix is the only thing keeping us alive. All clones are connected by it.””

I’m… I’m pretty sure clones don’t work that way.

“”Oh.”

“Yes, you are asking me to kill all 2000 people in this lab. So tell me, could you do it?”

“Um.”

“Could you kill 2000 of your family?””

Are you kidding? I already did!

Pretend I never said that.

“Before I could stutter out a response, the computer went ping.

“Ooh, ping! Pings are good.” I pointed out. “Pings are nice.”

“Yes!” she said “Computer is online.” She rattled out a code on the keyboard. “There, the cleaning cycle is disabled.””

The drying cycle, on the other hand, is on full power.

“Suddenly, the windows flashed bright light. And the door began to open.

“Wait, is that why you call it the Brighter Future project? Because it has a bright light? That is so lame.””

TITLE DROOOOOOOOOP.

“Jane stepped through the door, holding her gun.

“Somebody needs to explain a few things before I start shooting. First of all, why does my head hurt? Oooh…””

Did… did she just orgasm?

Wow, I wanna ride in that cloning machine!

Scientific progress goes “OHYESOHYESOHGODDDDDD”.

“Jane keeled over, hitting the ground and snoring.

“Apparently that’s a side effect of the light.” remarked 16. “Good to know.””

Yay! 16 doesn’t care about Jane EITHER!

“I picked up her unconscious form, using every inch of my willpower not to cop a feel, and propped her against the wall.

“Somebody should probably examine her. I would, but unless it involves hitting things with a baseball bat, I doubt I’ll be of any help.””

Oh, what are you talking about? Your Mary Sue powers would be VERY useful here!

“I got up, and walked in to the cloning pod. It was a semi-circle, with white walls and ceilings and floors. In the middle of the room was a peach coloured circle in the floor. Directly above the circle was a tube, probably where the clones come from. And directly in front of the door was a vent, leading down.

Above the vent was a faded logo, painted in to the metal. It was of a crescent moon inside of a beaker.

Huh. I guess who ever made it must have been drinking moonshine.

“Buh dum tsh.” I muttered.”

Fuck you and all you care about.

Seriously. Fuck you. That was terrible.

“”She’s waking up!” yelled 16 from the console room.

“Great. Keep her up to date on what’s going on.”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“Because I already sat through one exposition dump and I am not going to sit through another.””

Oh god, he’s breaking through the Fourth Wall! Everybody run!

Only Deadpool’s allowed to do that!

“”Wait, what?”

“Just do it!”

I leaned in close to the peach circle. It pulsated, moved, and seemed to know I was there.

I reached towards it.

I touched it.

Suddenly, a thousand sensations ran through my head. The thoughts, feelings and sights of everything ran through my head. I felt light, dark, nothing, everything all at once.”

ARRRGH FLOWERY DESCRIPTION PARAGRAPHS ARE ATTACKING.

“I jerked my arm away, stopping the sensations.

“That… was worrisome.” I gasped, trying to start breathing again.

The tube above me opened, and a perfect clone of Jane fell out and in to my arms.”

My greatest nightmare is finally true.

“”That is slightly more worrisome.” I lifted her up, and took her in to the console room. Jane was still having a conversation with 16.

“New clone, coming through!” I declared as I placed the clone next to Jane.

“It’s non responsive.” declared 16. “Sometimes we get one like this. Brain dead.”

“Oh.” slurred Jane. “Then I probably shouldn’t make out with it.””

Let’s face it, we’d all do that.

“”Probably not. Jane, do you understand everything? And how the hell did you get in there?” I asked as she began to focus more on the environment.

“Erm. Yes. Kind of?” she shook her head. “Cloning thing makes clones so we should break it but it would make pretty girl with glasses who wants to jump your bones die.”

“Wait. What was that last part?” I asked.

“Don’t ask me. I didn’t even bring that up.” shrugged 16.

“I inferred!” yelled Jane.”

Jane, I’m the one who wrote you, and even I have no fucking idea how your brain works.

It’s like a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a five year old.

“”Okay, how did you get in the clone pod in the first place?” It was getting increasingly difficult to get an answer out of her.

“I got bored, found a vent, went inside, ended up here. End of story.” she frowned. “In retrospect, it was not my best decision.”

I got up. “16, I have some very important questions, MOST OF WHICH pertain to that peach thing in that pod.””

Question One: Is it delicious, and if so, can I eat it?

“”Understood. What kind of questions?” 16 asked, as she got up too.

“Come in the pod with me, I want to show you something.” I gestured.

“Ooh, I wanna come too!” Jane tried to get up, but stumbled over her own feet and fell in to me. “Goddammit!”

I held her up while she swore as I turned back to 16. “Come on.”

“I… I can’t.””

Her shoe is stuck in some gum, it seems.

“”What? Why?” I asked.

“Yeah, are you hiding something? Don’t make me shoot you!” Jane interjected.”

Jane, all YOU can shoot is your mouth.

“”It’s… just… we don’t go in there.”

My blood froze.

“Why?” I whispered.

“It’s just… we shouldn’t.” 16 began to glare in to the distance.

“Think hard. Why not?”

“Something in my head.” she whispered. “Something telling me not to.””

‘Common Sense’, I think it’s called.

“”Think through it.” I urged.

“A… a beat. A noise. The heart.””

Oh god, it’s Ke$ha! She somehow survived the apocalypse!

“Her eyes suddenly opened.

“The heart of the matrix.”

The vault rang out, as 2000 voices said it simultaneously.

“The heart of the matrix.” echoed through the halls.

“The heart of the matrix.” said the technicians of the console room.

“The heart of the matrix.” whispered 16.

“Well.” said Jane as she attempted to stay awake. “This doesn’t bode well.””

What’s that? An actually interesting plot point!

IMPOSSIBLE.

IMPOSSIBLE, I SAY!
Advertisements

2 Responses to “What Goes Around, Reviews Around: Part Five”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Death, Life, Etcetera: Life Of Deaths Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 3, 2014

    […] god, this is Brighter Future in […]

  2. The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Reviewed | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 8, 2014

    […] NUMBER ONE… Brighter Future! […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: