What Goes Around, Reviews Around: Part Six

13 Jul

It just occurred to me; why the hell did I name this Brighter Future? I mean, I know this terrible science fiction story that I’m writing is dreadful in pretty much every aspect (even down to the font), but that title came out of a field so left, it might as well be coming out of a different field altogether!

(Don’t think about that too much, I certainly didn’t.)

THE STORY SO FAR: Our jesus-fucking-christ-when-is-this-guy-getting-a-name protagonist has discovered an out-of-control cloning machine which threatens to destroy the world, especially now so that the clones are goin’ all “WE ARE LEGION”.

(Hey, I finally understood that reference!)

Ahem.

“16, in a trance, grabbed me and Jane, as well as Jane’s clone, and tossed us in the cloning pod. We hit the ground in a clatter of metal and limbs.”

Goodbye, interesting cliffhanger from last time!

“”Oof! She never told me she has super strength!” muttered Jane as she attempted to untangle herself from me and the clone, groping the clone in the process.”

Oh. Gee. Clone groping. JUST WHAT THIS STORY NEEDS.

Why… why does this picture exist?

“”She shouldn’t.” I pulled myself away, kicking the clone in the face as I did it. The door slammed shut.”

Ooh, kick the clone in the face some more! It’s the closest we’ll get to hurting Jane!

“Then there was silence.”

Is that a promise?

“”You know,” said Jane after a few moments. “This may not be important right now, but I think that light is wearing off.””

Dammit. Incoherent Jane is my favourite kind of Jane.

“”Oh gee, thanks.” I said sarcastically. “Now you’ll be a little more awake as we die horrifically.” I got up and started pacing around the room.”

So, ‘dying horrifically’ is definitely a possibility?

“”You act like imminent death is important or something.” Jane continued to untangle herself from her clone.

“Okay, okay, lemme think.” I said aloud. “We are trapped in a room with a cloning matrix that is apparently impenetrable and also has a deadly cleaning system in it for some fucking reason, it sounded like all the clones said something about the matrix before tossing us in here so I’m guessing that the cloning matrix… turned evil? Has control of them? Something like that.””

STOP. RECAPPING. THINGS. WE’VE ALREADY SEEN.

“Jane stood up next to me. “Give me your watch.”

“What watch?””

Which is exactly what the audience is saying!

“”That watch the guards found with your pants. You still don’t have a name, and it’s starting to piss me off.””

coughcoughauthoravatarcough.

coughcoughthat’sanuglyskirtcough.

“”Is that really important right now?!” I reached in to my pocket and handed her the pocket watch.”

Yeah, we got the ‘pocket’ part, so STOP SAYING THAT.

“”This isn’t exactly what I meant when I thought I’d pull something big and hard out of your pants, but it’ll do.” she muttered under her breath as she struggled to open it.

“Wait, what was that?”

“Nothing.”

“No, I could swear I heard you say something-“”

Okay, fine, I actually like this part.

“”Ethan Safe!” exclaimed Jane. “Engraved on the inside. Well. Not the best name, but good enough.””

Ladies and motherfucking gentlemen?

WE.

HAVE.

A.

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

Preeeeety.

BUST OUT THE CHAMPAGNE AND COKE WHORES!

“”Cool, I have a name now.” I said sarcastically. “Now I can die in peace. How did you get in here?””

The willing suspension of disbelief, naturally!

“”That venty thing up there.” she gestured to the tube where the clone came out. “It looks closed.”

“Maybe we could use a battering ram or something.” I murmured.

“If you suggest we use my clone as a battering ram, I am disowning you.””

That mental image made my lady parts tingle.

“”Oh come on!”

She smacked me in the back of the head. “You know, Ethan, most people just fuck their clones. YOU try to use it to smash things.””

Is there really a difference?

“”What can I say, I’m a simple man with simple needs.”

“Ooh, we’ll have to test that out later.” teased Jane.

I blushed.”

Does that even count as foreshadowing?

“”Could we get out of the death trap first?” I pleaded.

“Deal.” she smiled. “Okay, so if the matrix is evil, that means it’s sentient?”

“Hypothetically.”

“Well, what if that’s why the machine keeps cloning people? And that’s why the machines have problems, the matrix has control.””

Sentence Structure: YOU SUCK AT IT!

“”Oh.” I stopped pacing. “Well, that makes sense. Good point!”

“This is why you need me around. Well, that and my innuendos.””

I need that on a t-shirt.

“”You know, I really don’t know a lot about you. And as we wait for this death trap to kick in, mind elaborating?”

Jane sighed. “My full name is Jane Rote, my parents were killed in a Packling attack, I’m a smooth skin, so I’m most human out of most Golems but I smooth skins are rare so I’m ostracized by people but it’s cool, I prefer scouting or guarding and killing things.””

EXPOSITIONNNNNNNN.

This is how I write drunk.

“I stood silent for a moment.

“Is that enough?” she asked.

“I… I was really not expecting you to answer so thoroughly.””

Neither was the writer!

“”Oh, I’ll show you how thorough I am tonight.””

Where the hell did this forced sexual tension crap come from, anyway?

“A voice came behind us. “Are you two done your weird flirty thing yet, or do we have to wait for the matrix to kill us?””

Hopefully both.

“”16!” I yelled. “Are you still possessed? Where are the other clones? And why the fuck are you super strong?”

“In no particular order, no idea, no I’m not possessed, and I tossed them outside. It turns out a collection of mind warped clones are really dumb.”

16 pulled us up and out in to the control room. “Remember my whole ‘not going to kill all the clones’ thing? I changed my mind.””

Off screen character development, the calling card of the crappy writer.

“”Well.” I said. “Any particular reason? Or do you just feel like murdering people?”

“The cloning matrix is evil. I can feel it… in my head. It wants to spread out, using us. I don’t like that.”

Jane sat down on a chair, moving her legs apart. “I thought I was the only one who wanted to spread out.””

JANE, I WILL FUCKING END YOU.

(Yes, I’m wearing a pretty floral bonnet. What of it?)

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2 Responses to “What Goes Around, Reviews Around: Part Six”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Death, Life, Etcetera: Life Of Deaths Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 3, 2014

    […] god, this is Brighter Future in […]

  2. The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Reviewed | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 8, 2014

    […] NUMBER ONE… Brighter Future! […]

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