What Goes Around, Reviews Around: Part Eight

19 Jul

Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe it is time to wrap up this review of that crappy science fiction story I wrote! Welcome to the final edition of “What Goes Around, Reviews Around”!

Why did I name it that, again?

LAST TIME, ON BRIGHTER FUTURE:  Ethan and Jane have taken out the evil cloning matrix, responsible for making clones (that weren’t evil until they started fucking with the matrix) and are planning to get Sally 16 to kill all the clones with a… freeze ray, apparently, even though all the clones would all die if they just broke the matrix and…

Okay, this story is making less and less sense.

Ahem.

“4 Billy’s and 2 Sally’s rushed us, all with blank, white eyes and vacant expressions. I took 3 steps back, purely in reflex, and tripped over my own coat.”

Least. Impressive. Fight scene. Ever.

“Yeah, I’m not exactly graceful.

Jane, however, is.”

Somehow I doubt that!

“She smashed one pistol in the face of a Billy before grabbing me by the scruff of my neck and dragging me away.”

Great. Our protagonist has to be dragged away from adventure by the scruff of his fucking neck. What is he, a goddamned kitten?

This picture makes me far, far too happy.

Actually, if I remember correctly, I deliberately made Ethan crappy at fighting to make things more tense. Also, so he would get hurt more.

“I held the matrix close as I watched her fight. She fired in the face of another Billy and slammed her foot in the gut of a Sally. The two other Billy’s jumped on her back, piling on top of her.”

Dog pile on Bitchface!

“I got up, struggling under the weight of the matrix, and swung my foot at the mass. I clipped a Billy, and it fell to the ground. Jane tossed the other in to the Sally, blasting them apart with her guns. She turned to the Billy I hit, blasting him as well, then started capping the downed clones.”

You know, I think I’m actually starting to get in to this!

“”Oh my god. You just killed them all. You are so hot right now.” I said in wonder.

“I get that a lot.” she smirked.”

Never mind.

“”Hurry up, there are more coming!” yelled 16. “The matrix is calling them to defend it.””

It’s a good thing the matrix gets cell reception down here, isn’t it?

BUH DUM TSH.

“We started down the hallway. Every time we came across a clone, Jane fired, killing them immediately. If we didn’t have time, she simply smashed her body weight in to them, knocking them down. And I tried ever so hard not to make a fat joke.”

Dear Past Erik; You are a writer. Your job is to WRITE THINGS. Essentially, painting a picture with words. Your job is NOT to use massive generalizations and attempt to write as little as fucking possible. WHEN YOU’RE WRITING A FIGHT SCENE, FUCKING WRITE IT.

Sincerely, Present Erik. P.S: Future Erik is totally a dick, right?

Look at that asshole. Jet packing around all the time.

“We reached a crossroad.

“Which way?” I groaned in frustration. “This place is like a maze, inside of a smaller maze.””

The first person to make an Inception joke dies.

“The path to the left suddenly filled with Legionaries, screaming in anger.”

They’re also screaming because they all simultaneously stubbed their toes.

“”Not that way.” suggested Jane.

“God dammit!” I yelled, as we ran down the right path. “Somebody must have opened the door and let them in.”

“You think?!” snapped Jane.”

I prefer to imagine they just snuck in through a plot hole.

“We emerged in to a dining hall, filled with staring clones. 2 tables ran through the hall, covered in food and other delicious things. Jane immediately leapt up to the left table, and me on the right.”

The clones apparently decided to have a light dinner break before taking over the world!

“They reached up, grabbing my legs and tripping me.”

Wow. What dicks.

The sign of true evil!

“”Fuuuuuuuck!” I screamed as I fell. The matrix fell out of my hand, sliding across the long table and resting at the end.”

‘Sliding’? Dammit, I knew we shouldn’t have coated it in delicious butter!

“”Did you just drop it?!” Jane yelled at me, firing down at the clones.

“Maybe!” I struggled against the clones as they picked up the matrix and slowly started leading it back down the table.”

See, the clones are just trying to give it back to you!

“I grabbed a knife from the table, slashing at the arms entangling me.

The flesh cut like butter.”

Dammit, I knew we shouldn’t have coated the clones in delicious but- wait, I think we already made this joke.

“”There’s something wrong!” I pulled myself up, sliding easily from the now slippery hands. “They’re melting!”

“Why is that a problem?!” Jane leapt away from her hoard, dashing to the end of the table.”

This is going to be literally the only time I’ll say this, but Jane’s got a point.

“I turned to the matrix just it time to see the matrix slip from the clone’s hands and shatter to the floor.”

Insert butter joke here.

Or better yet, just insert butter!

“Suddenly, all the clones melted. Completely. Filling the entire hall with a foot of liquid flesh.”

Quick! Swim in it, Scrooge McDuck style!

“”That. Was. Completely unexpected.” said Jane as she started to reload her gun. “Aw, my other gun melted. So did my second grenade belt! This sucks.””

Oh, boo freaking hoo, Jane!

“The intercom on the wall suddenly squawked. “What just happened? I feel… weird.”

“They broke the matrix. And then… well… everything melted.” I provided lamely.”

Everything you do is lame, Ethan.

“”How did I survive?” 16 asked through the intercom.”

That’s… a very good question.

“”Well,” I supplied. “You could think for yourself, so maybe you have the power to sustain your self. That would be pretty cool.””

That’s not even close to how that works.

“”Yeah, it would be- ARRGHGH!” 16 screamed.”

She just stubbed her toe again.

“”The goo is moving.” said Jane urgently.

I can feel it, it’s not dead. GET OUT.” 16 shrieked.

I looked down at the puddle. It began to fold in to itself, forming a pile.

An eyeball floated to the top.

“This is bad. This is very, very bad.” I murmured.

THIEF.” the goo rumbled. “You are my thief.“”

I don’t even have a joke here. This is just downright worrisome.

“Jane didn’t even say a word. We immediately knew to run. We sprinted down the corridor, our feet sticking in the flesh with every step.”

You know what would get that flesh off?

Shamwow!

That applies to both liquid flesh AND normal flesh!

“Behind us, a wave of flesh flowed after us, coming closer and closer.”

Surf’s up, I guess.

“We turned again and again. We passed rooms and rooms, and vents and paths.

Thief. You are slowing. And I am not.” the goo observed. We didn’t answer. We just ran.

Suddenly, we were in the chamber were we entered. We ran out the door in to the mine tunnels, with the flesh right on our tails. Jane hit the button, and the door closed.”

And fortunately, the goo is far too polite to open the door without knocking!

“We stood for a moment, taking deep breaths.

“Well.” I said. “That could have gone better.”

“Do you think this’ll stop the Fleshbeast?” Jane asked.

“Is that what you’ve named it?”

“Yeah, just now. It’s pretty good, don’t cha’ think?””

No. No, it is not ‘pretty good’.

“”Totally.””

Ethan you are not helping.

“The door suddenly buckled under the pressure of the Fleshbeast.

“Oh, fuck.” sighed Jane. “Guess Ms. Wannajumpyourbones didn’t freeze.”

Jane that is ALSO not helping.

“”Why do you call her that? I thought that was your job.”

“It is now, babe.””

BOTH OF YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

“The door buckled again.

“Running time?” I suggested.”

Nope. Adventure time!

“”Sure!” We turned, and started sprinting up, the way we came. Halfway to the top, we heard the door smash down, and the Fleshbeast escape.

We emerged in to the sunlight, and was greeted by a flurry of bullets.”

FINALLY! I’ve been waiting for these two to die since FOREVER.

“”HOLD YOUR FIRE!” yelled the Sargent.”

DAMMIT.

[Editor’s Note: Wait, you wrote this. Wouldn’t you already know whether or not they die?]

You can’t honestly expect me to remember something like that!

“”Sargent! I’m glad you and your fancy hat are here, we need you guys.” Me and Jane ran from the cave entrance, to behind the line of soldiers.

“What happened down there?” he asked.”

A whole lot of nothing.

“”Violence, mostly. There’s a giant Fleshbeast coming up, get ready to shoot it.” I grabbed Jane and dragged her behind a shack, pressing her against the wall.”

This is where you kill her, right?

“”Ooh, baby. I’m all for ‘end of the world sex’, but shouldn’t we wait a bit?” she purred.

“Oh, shut up.” I pulled her pistol out of her belt let her go.”

I think you a word there.

“That’s mine! Gimme!” she reached for it.

“I have a plan! Or, at least, I think I do.” I stood for a moment, thinking.”

Thinking? What a novel idea!

“Flesh monster, attacking. Gun probably won’t work. Harsh words wouldn’t help. It’s human flesh? Yes. Human. Human. Human.”

Actually, it’s a tofu substitute.

We call it, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Human Flesh”.

“”Human!” I shouted in triumph. “Distract the Fleshbeast when it comes up, I have a plan.”

“How? Womanly wiles don’t work on giant monsters.” She yelled after me as I ran.”

Tell that to King Kong, bitch!

“I ran through Quarry, passing startled and confused Golems. I made it to the gate, and hammered on it.

It slid open, revealing Sol looking disapprovingly at me.

“What.” she said bluntly.”

Oh, Sol. Don’t ever change.

“”Jesus, you’re cheery.” I muttered. “I need a Packling, we have to stop the apocalypse again.”

She sighed. “It’s sundown.” She turned around.

A second passed. Suddenly, gun fire and screaming sounded from the cave.

“Um. Can you help? At all? Or even just pretend to care?”

A Packling leapt through the air, meeting her fist. It’s jaw cracked, and it fell to the ground. Sol leaned down, picked it up with one hand, and handed it to me.

“Here you go.”

“Thanks. Remind me to never get in an arm wrestling contest with you.””

Okay, fine. I like this part.

“I hefted the beast back to the cave, praying that things were going well.

They weren’t.”

Of course not; we’re still in this story!

“The Fleshbeast overwhelmed the soldiers, holding them above, crushing them. Bullets pelted it, sinking in the mass. Civilians ran, screaming, as it expanded.”

Could you actually DISCRIBE this thing, please? Because otherwise, I’m just imagining a giant, tentacled cock.

Yes, like this. Only crossed with Akira.

“I started gazing around, looking for Jane. Hey, when you meet a girl who can kick as much ass as she can, it’s good to keep an eye on her. I finally spotted her, leading people away.

Good. I need some space for this.”

What, are you challenging the thing to a dance contest?

“”THIEF. Where is my thief?!” rumbled the Fleshbeast. It was 2 stories tall, a massive throbbing monument of horror. Tentacles sprouted from it at the top, each one holding a different soldier.”

Yeah, this thing is a cock. ‘Throbbing monument’? You could not make this thing any more phallic if you renamed it “The Cockgobbler”.

“”Here, jackass.” I called out, as I started walk towards it. “Every back away, we need to have a little chat.””

I think you a word again.

“The Fleshbeast started rumbling softly as I walked through the clearing.

“Are… are you laughing at me?!” I gasped. “Gosh, I am just so upset. How ever will I deal with this?”

“Honey, stop taunting the monstrosity.” called Jane from the edge of the clearing.”

Fine, I’ll admit it. I like this part too.

“A tentacle pulled away from the centre mass, with an eye on the end.”

I think you got your anatomy wrong. It’s called the HEAD, not the eye!

Dick jokes!

Why did I make this?

Why did I make this?

“”Thief. I will end you.” it rumbled. “What are you holding?

I smiled. “Oh, this? Nothing. See, there’s something me and you have in common.””

You’re both ungodly annoying? You both came right the hell out of nowhere? Neither of you have any real backstory? You’re both colossal dicks?

“”What?

“We both cheat. Catch!” I tossed the Packling through the air, and it smashed in to the thick pillar of flesh. In panic, it spun around and bit in to the Fleshbeast.

A tentacle smacked the Packling, launching it in to the air and over the wall.

What, exactly, was that supposed to accomplish?” it questioned.”

I still maintain that the idea of ‘Packlings’ is incredibly stupid, but I am TOTALLY willing to forgive it for this next part.

“”This.” Suddenly, the beast screamed. The tentacles holding the soldiers and civilians snapped, and they fell to the ground, landing on a soft blanket of flesh.

“See,” I continued. “There’s a thing about Packlings. Apparently, they’re infectious. I dunno, it sounds silly to me, but I wonder: what’ll happen if a coalition of thousands of clones get bitten? Should be fun.”

“Are you sure that’ll work?” asked Jane. Suddenly, she was right next to me.

“No. At this point, I’m just making science up.””

Hey, as long as you admit it!

“”ARGGHHH! THIEF! HELP ME!” the Fleshbeast screamed, as it began to contract, and bend, and squish. Like a ball of putty, it started to roll in to a ball. Much of the beast was still in the tunnel, and it started rolling up in to a ball.

Finally, it stopped bending and folding, and started shifting it self.

Head.

Skin.

Pelt.

Legs.

Tail.

Teeth.

Finally, a full Packling.

It stopped moving, and just sat there. Confused. And scared.

“Hey, what was that you said? ‘Help me’?” I asked it, as I pulled out my bat.

“How about ‘no’?” I swung, connecting with it’s head with a solid thump.

It fell down and started twitching. Finally, it stopped. Dead.”

Yeah, this story is still really stupid, and I still hate it, but I am willing to put that aside because THAT ENDING IS COOLIO, FO’ SHIZZLE!

(Sure, I’m saying coolio now! Who says I can’t?!)

“I turned around, facing the collective Golems, including Colin, who was staring at me in fear.

“Well.” I called out. “We killed 2000 clones plus one giant clone. We stopped the second apocalypse. How’s that for our first job?”

Colin stepped forward.

“You’re fired.””

Waaaaah waaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

“2 hours later, we were still walking. Apparently, being an elder in Quarry gives Colin the power to exile people at the drop of a hat. Ignoring the fact that we just saved the entire fucking town, he didn’t care. Stupid old man.”

Hey, he doesn’t want to hang around you. Really, that makes him the smartest character thus far!

“We got 2 suitcases, one of Jane’s stuff, and one of survival gear. We were given an air freshener that apparently was filled with “Packling repellent”. Jane told me it was incredibly rare, so we were lucky. You know, other then the whole “getting exiled” thing.”

And by “Packling Repellent”, you mean, “the author couldn’t figure out why you guys didn’t get eaten by Packlings”, right?

“Finally, we had enough. We stopped walking, set up the tent, and hung the Packling repellent outside. We were almost out of their territory, but they could still kill us at any time if we didn’t have it.

Pleasant thought.”

Well, for me it is!

“”Move over.” grumbled Jane. “We only have one bedspread, and I am so not sleeping on the ground.

I obliged. She pressed against me, causing my brain to short circuit. Hey, I’m a guy. It happens.”

That’s true, actually.

“”What do you wanna do?” she whispered.”

If this turns in to porn, I am LEAVING.

“I thought for a moment.

“Well, this land seems pretty crazy. I think we should go adventuring, save people, stop evil, that sort of thing. What do you think?””

I think that’s the blandest idea for a series I’ve ever heard! Go for it!

“”You aren’t curious about your past? I mean, you did have amnesia. It could be interesting.””

NO, HE DOES NOT HAVE FUCKING AMNESIA. NO FUCKING WAY. AMNESIA DOESN’T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY.

(Take your drinks people!)

“”Nah, maybe I’ll do it later. But it sounds kind of boring to me.””

That’s because it IS kind of boring!

“”I think that’s a great idea. But I was thinking of what we could do… tonight.”

I smiled. “What do you think?”

“Well, I was thinking cuddling. Followed by sex.”

I pretending to think about it for a moment. “I have no problem with that.”

“Excellent.” Jane purred as she switched off the lamp.”

And our story goes out with a bang, so to speak!

(Actually, I originally put this in because after reading a lot of stories intended for teens, I was tired of the authors putting off the sexual tension until the very last book, and even when they do address it, they always kept it to kissing! So I decided to put this at the end as a kind of ‘fuck you’ to all those authors.)

And that was Brighter Future, and… WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ?!

I’M STILL LEGITIMATELY ASKING!

Now, to my younger self’s credit, this wasn’t ALL bad. There were a couple of nice moments, and it had an enjoyable ending, but unless it started teleporting hookers and candy, nothing could make up for the TERRIBLE WRITING, UNLIKEABLE CHARACTERS, BLAND MAIN CHARACTERS, GOD AWFUL CHARACTERS, UNINTERESTING PREMISE, AND LETHALLY DREADFUL CHARACTERS. 

Yeah, I really hated the characters.

But hey, on the bright side, I’m sure this is the ONLY terrible piece of old science fiction writing I have on my computer!

*heh heh heh*

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4 Responses to “What Goes Around, Reviews Around: Part Eight”

  1. Tim Hurley July 23, 2013 at 9:07 am #

    So long, Brighter Future. You will be missed.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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