Rednecks And RVs And Crows, Oh My!

24 Jul

Who here likes birds?

Well, too fucking bad, because today, we’re reviewing the found footage horror RVathon, Crowsnest!

Spoiler Alert: It has nothing to do with crows.

The movie opens with our resident “protagonist”, Justin, sticking his new video camera out his apartment window to test it. And, because he’s such a likeable protagonist, he immediately remarks about doing this often and wonders aloud what the women look like naked. We’re barely ten seconds in and I already feel like to scrub myself clean.

Justin’s friends, Kirk and Amanda, join him and his girlfriend Brook in Justin’s birthday celebrations. Much cake is had, and Justin tries to put a “cap” on the evening, so to speak, by video taping him and Brook having sex. Urgh, I’d rather watch Micah go at it.

(And we all know how much I fucking hate Micah.)

The next morning, after Justin tries to film Brook topless because he is such a likeable character, we meet the last member of our party; Danielle, otherwise known as Amanda’s sister and Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Spice.

The five are headed out to Kirk’s cabin, for sexy raucous fun time, despite the fact that, A, nobody in the group has even an inkling of a personality, and B, they have no beer. Plenty of weed, though, so they could always find a place in Hansel And Gretel Get Baked.

And nowhere else.

They engage in a driving montage, dance on the roof of the car, do some free-style rapping, accidentally switch in to leopard print mid-scene, swear, talk about the Bible, and more for TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES until the first plot point happens, which is incidentally just the amount of time it takes me to start slitting my wrists.

Said plot point happens to be a sign saying “Crowsnest”, which makes absolutely no sense, has nothing to do with the movie, and really shouldn’t be there. But hey, it’s the title of the movie, so if we didn’t put it in, then jackasses like me would have to point it out. THERE IS NO PLEASING ME.

Next, they find a desecrated corpse they find on the side of the road, which fills Kirk and Justin with confusion and the other three with rage. Because… it smells? Man. Girls are WEIRD.

They find their “beer store”, which just happens to be located in an abandoned mining town. Presumably it caters entirely to miner forty niners. Once inside the store, Justin and Kirk are told by an old shopkeeper to leave, or they’ll be dead. I’m sure this would have been a thrilling scene… if the camera wasn’t outside, watching Amanda pee.

You guys just didn’t want to have pay the old shopkeeper.

Money makes the script go ’round.

Okay, in their defence, they also see a creepy ghost girl, but seeing as she has no effect on the plot, I say this scene can fuck right off.

They eventually stop driving to take in the country air and scenery, which is an excellent opportunity for an RV to come CAREENING down the road and almost splattering Amanda. Dammit, “almost”?! What’s the point of an RV if it’s not going to squish someone!

The gang starts following the RV, trying to get a video of it’s license plate, until it turns around and starts chasing them back. AHHHHHHH! QUICK, SOMEBODY, PLAY THE BENNY HILL THEME!

What, is that “too silly” for a review like this? Fine! Queue up the Last House On The Left soundtrack!

They manage to escape with their lives, swearing all the way, when Danielle demands that they stop so she can vomit in the middle of the road. Well, okay, I don’t see anything wrong with that plan.

Hey, what was that I said earlier? “What’s the point of an RV if it’s not going to squish someone!”?

Yeah. Somebody should have told Danielle that.

They drag her bloody and broken corpse back in to the car, try desperately to call the cops, until they come up with the brilliant plan of driving further in to the woods until they get more cell reception. Of course, this is stymied when the RV shows up again to play car-to-car footsies.

Their car gets a blow-out, so they abandon it, as well as Amanda and her red-shirt sister, so they go hiking through the woods to get more reception. One might notice what a horrible plan this is. One might also notice the tents of the film crew in the background of this scene, that we were clearly not supposed to see. Whoops.

As they go, Justin recaps the plot to the camera, which is entirely pointless and all it does is eat up the running time and ARGLERFLARGLERRAGE. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Kirk reveals… that he and Brook have been sleeping together!

*cue dramatic piano cue*

Yeah, that’ll do.

Sudden Revelation Theatre is interrupted when they hear Amanda scream, and run back to check on her. All they see is her blood. Either that, or she just spilled her Kool-Aid.

Justin breaks up with Brook, friend-dumps Kirk, and heads off on his own, recording his vlog the entire time. (Man, this guy probably does wicked Haul videos.) Eventually he spies the RV, parked, and after observing two people walk away from it from underneath it, he sneaks in, presumably with the Pink Panther theme playing the entire time.

Inside, he finds Amanda, with one less foot and significantly more screaming, and attempts to free her. But he gets distracted by going in to the back of the RV, finding a creepy white girl, and knifing her to death. Dammit, man, don’t startle the Witch!

This random murder has inspired Justin to flee the RV, leaving Amanda to be killed by the rednecks when they return moments later. And… then they see him! And they chase him down! And they hack his head off and drag him away! And one of them looks like Randy from My Name Is Earl!

“I guess we can cross this off our list, Earl.”

The en- wait, what’s that? Kirk and Brook are still alive? And they find the camera, and there’s still 20 minutes left?

No, no, no, no, fuck no. The movie is OVER. It is OVER. Once you’ve had the main character DRAGGED AWAY SCREAMING, THE MOVIE IS OVER.

LET IT END.

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One Response to “Rednecks And RVs And Crows, Oh My!”

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