Madhere 2: THE SECOND COMING

18 Aug

[Welcome to Madhere: Arc Two! Or, as I call it, “And The Lesbians Come Marching In”.]

[Er, I mean, the first arc had lesbians too- well, singular lesbian, but- oh shut up, you know what I’m talking about.]

[First thing I have to say about this arc: As I mentioned last time, writing relationship troubles is, quite possibly, THE FUNNEST THING EVER. Seriously, you have no idea. It’s like playing puppet master, only the puppets can’t turn around and suddenly start complaining about all the crap you’re putting them through.]

[…]

[At least, I don’t think they can.]

[…]

[I’ll check on that.]

[Second thing; I have no idea where Althea came from. She just popped in to my head, as well as Darren’s BDSM side business, and I decided to throw them in. Fun Fact: The name “Althea” actually came from “Alchemy Mondays”, by Voltaire. Catchy tune! Plus, “Althea” means “wholesome”, which was way too ironic to pass up.]

[YES THAT’S HOW IRONY WORKS SHUT UP.]

[And, finally, The Horrible Mistake is named, not after any particular mistake, but after a bar I drew in my spare time while I was practising how to draw people.]

[Feel free to consider that some form of foreshadowing. The judges are still out on that one.]

[Anywho, foreword over! Have fun with the lesbians!]

“Oh, wow… that was amazing.” moaned Althea as she slumped in to the chair. “Oh, I needed that.”

“Thank you, thank you.” bowed Darren. He took off his black doctor’s mask and looked down at his wrist. “Crap. Did you see where you flung my watch?”

“No idea.” Althea yawned. “Have the checked near my skirt?”

“Ooh, good idea.” Darren stepped across the room and started searching. “Dammit, why the hell didn’t we install lights in here?”

Althea grinned. “It really saves money of blindfolds. Anyway, why are you searching for your watch? What, do you have another appointment?”

She paused. “Also, who the hell still has a watch?”

“I’m just awesome like that and- oh, dammit Althea!” Darren picked up his shirt. “You got white stuff all over my shirt!”

“Well, I’m sorry! I kind of got confused in the thick of things!”

“I still don’t see why you insist on painting yourself white all over before our sessions.”

“It’s a little thing called fashion!” sniffed Althea. “And you still didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh, that.” Darren held up Althea’s discarded spiked choker with a single arched eyebrow. “Do you remember that Lilah girl I told you about?”

“Oh. Her.” Althea’s heard sank at the mention of Lilah. “She’s still around?”

“Yeah! She spent the week since she got hired testing the waters of Madhere, seeing what she can get away with, and has some ideas for a new story. But she needs to research the time period first, so she asked me to tag along to the library today.”

[Editor’s Note: Yes, we had to awkwardly shoehorn in a reference to how much time has passed since part ten. Shut up. It works.]

Althea sighed, as her libido wept quietly in the back of her head. “So… I guess you’re still trying to get with her, huh.”

Darren frowned. “Yeah! Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, her gayness comes to mind.”

“Details!” Darren gasped. “Ooh, I found it! Crap, I have to meet her in ten minutes!” He immediately began pulling his clothes on and his mask off.

Althea started wiggling up and down her chair. “I don’t suppose you can un-handcuff me first?”

“Oh, fuck, I almost forgot!” Darren quickly unlocked her restraints. “I can trust you to clean up, right?”

“Yeah, sure!” Althea immediately started massaging feeling back in to her wrists.

“Thanks, doll! You’re a great friend.” Darren immediately sprinted for the door. “See you next session!”

“Yeah, right.” sighed Althea. “A great friend. Fucker.”

END OF PART ELEVEN.

Outside of Darren’s storage unit turned sex dungeon, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the security guard for the lot was very deliberately not noticing the bite marks on Darren’s neck.

He ran down the street, attracting glares from every reputable person he came across, before stopping in front of a particularly shiny store front to check how he looked. (We could, hypothetically, tell you what kind of store it was and what kind of people he passed while running, except for the fact that we don’t particularly care.)

Darren was back in his green sweater and mussed up hair, because after Todd discovered he was trying to steal all of his fancy suits, he destroyed all of Darren’s wardrobe except his sweaters and jeans. The smell of flaming neck ties filled the skies that day.

Darren skipped happily down the streets, his brain filling his libido with visions of unbridled passion and librarian roleplay. It was just about the only time that day when his brain and his libido agreed on anything.

He stopped, double checked the address, and sauntered up to the large brick house with the well kept garden. Darren reached the hot pink door, knocked three times, and hollered, “Lilah! Your knight in hoody armour is heeeere!”

The door flew open, and a short woman with auburn was there with fury in her eyes. “I will destroy you and feed you to the begonias.”

Darren took an involuntary step backwards as he felt his heart flutter and his eyes flashed before his eyes. It was filthy.

“I’m… here for Lilah? Lilah Quintus? Ple… please don’t hurt me.”

The woman immediately smiled. “Oh! Darren! You’re that charming young boy taking Lilah to the library! I’m Merril.” She extended her hand, adorned with bright pink polish that was somehow still very threatening.

Darren very, VERY tentatively shook her hand. “I’m… glad to meet you?”

Merril smiled. “Lilah’ll be right down!” She suddenly frowned. “And if you hurt that girl, I will break you in half and sew you ass to mouth.”

Darren tried to pull his hand away, but it was kept in place by her shiny pink claws. “I’ll do my best ma’am oh god please stop you’re awfully pointy.”

Lilah suddenly appeared behind Merril, in a yellow sundress, with a bright grin on her face. “Darren! Oh, thank bloody god you’re here. Merril is driving me up the wall.”

“Oh, I’m not THAT bad.” purred Merril. “Isn’t that right, Darren?!”

“Yes, ma’am!” squeaked Darren. “Please stop squeezi- ARGH!”

“Oh, silly-face, I’m not squeezing!” laughed Merril as she squeezed harder.

“Merril, can you let him go? I kind of need him.” Lilah sighed.

“Um. I don’t think I can, actually.”

ARGH!” squeaked Darren.

END OF PART TWELVE.

“I’m so, so sorry for her, Darren.” apologised Lilah. “Merril is… kind of hard to get along with.”

Darren didn’t hear a word of her apology, because as they walked, she tried to massage the feeling back in to his hand. For Lilah, it was nothing. For Darren, it was like holding hands with a cattle prod, but in a good way.

“Darren? Can you hear me?”

“No, I jus- I just-” Darren struggled for a response while his brain fought it out with his libido. “Why’re you living with her?” he managed.

Lilah stumbled for a moment, and let go of Darren’s hand.

If you listened very carefully, you could hear his genitals screaming in desperation.

Lilah bit her lip and looked down. “It’s… it’s nothing. I just… well, I propelled myself at break-neck speed out of a bad relationship, and I kinda hit a wall afterwards, if that makes any sense.”

“Not even a little.” Darren frowned. “So, if you had to move in with Merril… you were already living together?”

Lilah sighed. “Yeah, I guess we were. Can we change the topi-“

“What happened? Did she knife your mother or something?”

“Well, Darren, she found somebody else. That’s all there wa-“

“Boy or girl?”

Lilah’s mind suddenly flashed to the dark night; walking in to her apartment, seeing significantly more of Jennifer than she Lilah expected, until she realized that not all of the flesh in the room was Jennifer’s.

“Darren.” she muttered very lowly. “I understand that you’re just trying to be a good friend but if you do not change the subject right now I am going to chew through your achilles tendon and leave you in the alley.

Darren fell silent for a moment.

“I’d advise against that. I’m very stringy.”

Lilah began laughing, and looked up once again- and froze.

Across the street, standing by a bus station, was Jennifer. Blond haired, full bodied, wearing far too little, Jennifer. No, wait, scratch that: Jennifer AND her little sweetheart.

“Oh no.” whispered Lilah. “This can’t be happening.”

“Lilah? What’s going on-” Darren saw where she was looking. “Oh. Is that-“

Jennifer was laughing with the other girl, a red haired girl in a turtleneck, and although Lilah didn’t know her name, she could recite her ass from memory. As she was watching, Jennifer stopped laughing, and leaned in for a hug. Then, a kiss. Then, several kisses. Then… well, you can probably extrapolate from there.

“Darren?” asked Lilah in barely constrained fury.

“Y- yeah?” he said very quietly.

“Change of plans. What’s the nearest gay bar?”

“I’m not sure if that’s the best idea, Lilah. I mean, getting wasted and picking up a floozy is always good fun, but that’s for me, and it’s not even lunch yet, and-“

“Darren, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are helping me find a gay bar, and those who I’m going to submerge in cleansing fire and piss on the ashes. Take your pick.”

“To the gay bar!”

END OF PART THIRTEEN.

“I’m assuming I don’t need to tell you what a bad idea this is?” Darren sighed.

“I think you made your opinion known when you decided to take me to ‘The Horrible Mistake’.” said Lilah.

“Actually, it’s ‘Ye Olde Horrible Mistake’. The added ‘Olde’ makes it truly gay.”

“That explains my nickname in college.”

The two stood outside the Horrible Mistake, a three story brick building with conspicuously tinted windows and a large neon sign proclaiming it’s name for all to see, and waited for the bouncer to finish inspecting their IDs.

“All right, you two can go.” the bouncer waved them in.

Why does this place even need a bouncer?” whispered Lilah as they walked in.

I have absolutely no idea.” Darren whispered back.

Despite the fact that the day was still early, the Horrible Mistake was bustling. A series of moderately reprehensible individuals, complete with non-euclidean piercings and a thin sheen of sweat, were gathered around the bar.

“Oh, Jesus, I can practically smell the poor hygiene from here!” swore Lilah.

“What d’ya mean, ‘practically’?” Darren shuddered. “So… shall we leave?”

Lilah thought for a moment, weighing the pros and the cons. On one hand, the odds were very good that she’d be coming away from this tired, hungover, and with something between her legs that she could only get rid of with medication and a knife.

On the other hand… Lilah envisioned Jenny at the bus stop again.

Her resolve (and several other things that we don’t feel appropriate mentioning) stiffened.

“Find us a table.” she muttered. “I’m gonna go get something akin to gasoline.”

“But… but not gasoline, right?” Darren frowned. “Despite what ‘Burn Ward Gone Wild’ would have you believe, most women don’t find fire all that sexy.”

“Only if you don’t know how to accessorize.” Lilah stalked over to the bar and tried to elbow her way in. Fortunately, sweat is nature’s lube, and she squeezed in just fine.

“Hiya!” piped up the blond, chipper bartender. “What can I get ya?”

“I want a stiff drink.” sighed Lilah. “I want a ‘Forget My Girlfriend Just Left Me For A Carrot Topped Whore’. I want a drink so fucking stiff, it’s technically a fucking solid.”

“Will moonshine do?”

“Keep ’em coming.”

END OF PART FOURTEEN.

“So, who tickles your fancy?” asked Darren brightly. “Other than your fifteen shots of moonshine, which… wow, I didn’t even think that was possible.”

“I dunno.” Lilah sighed. “They all look so tasty.”

“Try to avoid actually tasting them.”

“I make no promises.”

Nestled in the dark corner of the Horrible Mistake, Lilah and Darren sat and observed the bar’s patronage. And, occasionally, they got up to get more moonshine, but they wouldn’t be doing that any more, because the bartender had judged the duo a fire hazard if they drank any more.

“Well, how about the bartender?” suggested Darren. “She seemed nice.”

“Bleh. Too happy. If I wanted to fuck something with a cartoonish grin, I’d draw Mr. Sardonicus on my vibrator.”

[Editor’s Note: Does… does anybody get that reference?]

Darren settled in to his chair and started examining every one in the Horrible Mistake with a vagina. Outwardly, he was grinning with manic glee. Inwardly, he was trying desperately not to cry about sending his crush in to some woman’s arms. Also inwardly, he was wasted on moonshine, but that’s besides the point.

“Ooh, how about her?” Darren pointed at a tall goth woman, riddled with piercings and tattoos, who was savouring her absinthe while eyeing the bar with a predatory glare. “That many piercings, you know she’s gotta be in to some kinks! Or maybe a metal detector.”

“Oh my.” Lilah spied her, and mentally licked her lips. Than she physically licked her lips. “I do have a thing for goths…”

Before Lilah could build up the courage to go say “hi”, immediately followed by “let’s have a frankly unreasonable amount of sex”, an equally tall goth woman walked over to her and began tongue thumping.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” sighed Lilah.

“Ooh, clit blocked!” whistled Darren. “Well, how about her?” He gestured to a gaunt woman in a turtle neck, nonchalantly leaning against the wall.

“Maybe.” frowned Lilah. “But… I dunno, there’s just something about her.”

As they watched, the woman casually pulled down her turtle neck and scratched her adam’s apple.

“And there it is.” groaned Lilah. “Bleh, I need more moonshine. Or gasoline. Whichever’s closer.”

Darren lightly punched her shoulder. “Hey, don’t give up so easily! What about her?” The ‘her’ in question was leaning over the bar, showing off an ass that’d make an angel cry, and then smack it.

Before Lilah could say anything, the ‘her’ suddenly let out a strangled yelp. She jumped up, took three steps to the nearest garbage can, and started vomiting profusely. She missed the can.

“Jesus!” hooted Darren. “She drank more than we did! Which, considering the fact that I’m pretty sure our blood is jet fuel at this point, is really fucking impressive.”

Oh god, this is hopeless!” Lilah slammed her head in the table. “I’m never gonna find a girl! I might as well just give up and start fucking guys!”

“Wait, is that an option?” started Darren. “Because, if you really needed to, you could always borrow my c-“

“You!” Lilah suddenly shouted at two passing blonds. “One of you fuck me!”

“Ew!” yelled one of them.

“We’re not, like, gay! Why the hell would you think we’re gay?!” shouted the other.

“You… you do realize you’re in a gay bar, right?” frowned Darren.

“What? Oh, crap!” The two immediately ran for the exit.

Lilah slumped in her chair. “New plan: You kill me and leave me for the local necrophiliacs. It’s clearly the only way anybody’s gonna touch me.”

“I’d really rather not have to do that again.”

“What?”

“Nothing!”

END OF PART FIFTEEN. 

“So, miss,” asked Darren seriously. “How do you feel about cunnilingus?”

“Ew, I hate it!” shouted the redhead girl.

“Annnnd that’s an F!” Darren marked an ‘F’ on his clipboard. “Thanks for playing, don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

Darren stalked through the Horrible Mistake to the darkened corner where Lilah sat hunched, nursing a gin. Nobody was entirely sure how she got it, as the bartenders had officially banned her. They made a sign and everything.

“How’d it go?” she moaned. “Anybody ace the exam?”

“Erm, not quite.” Darren checked the clipboard. “We had six F’s, seven flat-out refusals, four women were actually very convincing drag queens, and eleven actually gave me their phone numbers.”

You have got to be kidding me.” Lilah blearily gazed in to her gin. “I wonder how much of this I’d have to drink till I’m dead.”

“Actually, are you sure you’re not dead already?” Darren frowned. “I’m pretty sure you drank enough of that stuff to pickle a bull elephant.”

“Nuts to your bull elephant!” Lilah pulled herself up and staggered.

“Please don’t fall! I’m pretty sure if you got hurt, Todd would take it out of my paycheck.”

“I’m done sitting at the sidelines! I’m gonna go over to the bar, and I’m not coming back till I’m in somebody’s pants!”

“That sounds uncomfortable.”

True to her word, Lilah staggered to the crowded bar. Darren shrugged, and sat down at the table to look through all the phone numbers.

As he watched, Lilah started chatting up a dark skinned woman with a martini. Darren couldn’t hear them over the crowd, but he didn’t need to hear to see her throw her drink in Lilah’s face. She then ordered a new one.

She threw that one too.

Lilah crept back to the table as Darren laughed bluntly. “So, is that somebody else’s pants you’re wearing?”

“Suck my cock.” She sighed as she slumped back in her chair.

“You don’t have one!”

“Can you prove that?”

Darren couldn’t. Instead, he changed the subject. “Why’d you get a drink in your face?”

“You know, it’s really my fault.”

“Why?”

“I told her to get me wet.”

END OF PART SIXTEEN.

“Alright, Lilah, it’s time to go.” Darren said as he tapped Lilah on the shoulder.

“Nooooes!” she cried as she slumped against the bar. “I jus’ need one mo’e drink!”

“Please get her out of here.” the bartender frowned. “We banned her from drinking a while ago. That really hasn’t stopped her.”

With a sigh, Darren stood Lilah up and slumped her against his shoulders. He started dragging her through the crowd of the Horrible Mistake’s patrons, ignoring the multitude of distracting outfits and worrisome body odors.

“Hey, what y’a doin’ with tha’ sweet, honey?” slurred a slender bar patron with long brown hair and very nice… curves.

“Making a pie.” Darren pushed past her and started whirling around, searching for the exit. Exactly how many gay people are in here?! This place is non-euclidean fucking geometry, it’s bigger on the inside! 

Finally, he followed the tell tale smell of the bouncer’s awful cologne to the exit. When they passed, the bouncer eyed Lilah, and then Darren… for significantly longer, actually.

“Bleh, why’d we have to goooo!” Lilah slurred as she leaned her head against Darren’s neck, sending a jolt of electricity straight down his spine. “I was JUS’ ’bout to get that bartender in the sack!”

“No, you were ‘jus’ about to vomit on everyone and everything in the room, and considering what you’ve been drinking, I’m pretty sure the fumes would have killed us all. Now, let’s get you home before your liver officially reaches critical mas-“

“Ooh, leaving so soon?” cooed a voice sweetly. Darren looked up in shock.

“Althea?!”

Althea stood before them, with her long black hair, a tight fitting black dress, and her trademark white body paint. She had the kind of smile on that makes people want to lock their pets up and check for fires.

“I thought you were going to library today.” she said very carefully.

“Althy, well, that WAS the plan, but-“

“I wanna get laid!” blurted out Lilah. “Is… is not working, as of yet.”

Althea giggled. “Oh, and I assume THIS is Lilah?”

Darren frowned.

“You knooow,” Lilah pushed herself off Darren and swayed in place. “I’ve always kinda had a thin’ for gothic girls…”

Darren frowned a lot.

“Oh, really?” Althea stepped to Lilah, put her arm around her, and started nuzzling her… we don’t feel comfortable stating what she was nuzzling. You can guess.

“ALTHEA!” snapped Darren. “She is utterly wasted, she is in no state to be doing that kinda thing, and we need to get her home, and why are you even doing this? We don’t have a session for another week! And, more importantly-“

“Oh, shaddup and blow it out your hole!” snapped Lilah as she started licking Althea’s… ahem. God, this is awkward.

“Yeah, I thought this was the plan!” Althea smirked. “You know, they have a couple rooms upstairs for rent at the Horrible Mistake… For, you know. Sexy things. Like, sex. That kinda stuff.”

“Ooh, I like the sound of that.” Lilah purred, as the two of them sauntered in to the bar, doing whatever they could to make things as awkward as possible.

Darren stood in place, paralysed with indecision.

“Ooh, this is a very, very, very very not good.”

END OF PART SEVENTEEN. 

Externally, Darren was standing perfectly still which, considering that he was still standing in the middle of the street. But internally, things were… a tad more interesting.

“Is he seriously just standing there?” asked a tiny Darren in a glimmering white toga and halo.

“Pretty much.” muttered the other figure. “Could we just hit him?”

“Not really.” sighed the Darren Angel. “We’re just figments of his imagination, and- are you a fucking girl?!”

The other figure was a tiny shapely woman, in a tight black dress, with long black hair and horn rimmed glasses. “What? You jealous?”

YES I’M FUCKING JEALOUS”. The Angel stomped his foot in thin air. “I’m stuck in this stupid toga and- oh my god, are these sandals? I AM WEARING FUCKING SANDALS HERE.”

“Oh, I totally know what you mean.” The Devil sighed. “I’m stuck with high heels! If I wasn’t a figment of this twat’s imagination, my feet would be KILLING ME.”

“Speaking of being in my imagination,” whispered Darren aloud. “Could we get on the topic at hand? There’s a bum over by the alley, and he keeps tonguing his knife.”

“Really, being mugged would be a shining point in your day so far.” With a flourish, the Angel produced a clipboard. “Let’s see… ah, yes! ‘Should We Save Lilah From Althea’! Then, at 2:30, cupcakes.”

“Where the fuck did you get that?” gasped the Devil. “I KNOW you have no pockets in that outfit.”

“Details!” snapped the Angel. “I don’t think we should bother saving Lilah, guys. I mean, getting her laid WAS the plan to begin with! If anything, we should go get her a ‘Glad You Got Fucked’ card.”

“They sell those?” whispered Darren.

“It’s cool, I know a guy.”

“I’m surprised, Angel!” interjected the Devil as she indulged her anti-gravity by spinning in place. “You’re usually the first one to stick your halo in somebody else’s vagina- er, business. “

“I told you, that was an accident.” 

“We can’t let Lilah do this!” The Devil ignored him. “She was under so much influence, it was like The Princess And The Pea, only with her playing the pea! And isn’t it really, REALLY morally ambiguous to fuck someone THAT drunk?”

“I notice you’re very distinctly not mentioning that Darren wants to totally jump her bones.” observed the Angel dryly.

“I notice you’re very distinctly not sucking my cock.”

“You don’t have one!”

“Can you prove that?”

“You already know I can’t!”

“I win again! So, how are we rescuing her?” The Devil adjusted her glasses, for no reason other than the fact that Darren thought it was sexy.

“Since when did we decide?!” The Angel threw his hands up. “And even if we are going to rescue her, we can’t just burst in on two consensual lesbians! It’s really freaking creepy! And we’ll be banned from yet another gay bar!”

“When has that ever stopped us?!”

As Darren thought, he absently scratched at his neck. Man, why does this hurt so much? 

He scratched some more, feeling as his fingers ran across Althea’s bite marks.

Wait. Bite marks?

Darren stopped imagining the Angel and Devil, and immediately checked his shirt under his trademark sweater. He immediately started giggling.

Oh god, yes. This’ll work. This’ll work well.

“Hey, buddy? You okay?”

The bum with the knife had walked over to Darren with a concerned look on his face. Darren flashed a devilish smile.

“Fine, my good sir! Say, would you stab me over and over again with that knife for twenty bucks?”

“Sir, for a man like you, I’ll do it for free.”

END OF PART EIGHTEEN.

“Oh my god,” gasped the bartender. “Are you okay?!”

“Well, considering that I’m bleeding all over your bar… yeah, I’m fucking amazing.” wheezed Darren as he clutched the bar.

The bouncer frowned. “I found him outside, bleeding all over a bum.”

“That is the strangest fetish.” muttered a passing bar patron. Most of the bar patrons were gathered around Darren and the bouncer, partially because of his multiple stab wounds, but mostly because he was keeping them from getting drinks.

The Horrible Mistake was not known for it’s compassion.

“Was it Rod?! God, I told him not to hang around out there!”

The bouncer shook his head. “He says it was a goth woman. Did anyone-“

“Yes, actually!” the bartender started rummaging below the counter. “A goth woman and that drunkard from earlier… in room 13! Here’s the master key.”

“Wait, you guys seriously rent rooms out for sex?”

“Not always sex!” said the bartender defensively. “We also rent the rooms out for Scrabble on Tuesdays.”

The bouncer led Darren through the door behind the bar. It was a dark staircase, that smelled faintly of sweat and vomit and… other things.

They went up two floors, and exited in to a hallway lined with doors and sticky carpets.

“Wow, you SERIOUSLY have this many rooms?” gasped Darren.

The bouncer shrugged.

They turned to the first door on the left; Number 13.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” erred the bouncer. “I mean, the room is a-knocking.”

“Dude!” gasped Darren. “I have stab wounds! That trumps sex rules!”

The bouncer shrugged again, put the key in the lock, and opened the door. “Ugh, I feel so awkward.”

“And I feel so riddled with stab wounds. I win.” Darren stepped in with a flourish. The room was sparsely furnished, with a bed, tinted windows, an atrocious wall paper, and two half naked lesbians going at it- wait, what?

Darren!” gasped Althea, currently fiddling with Lilah’s bra. “What are you DOING here?!”

“Darr’n?” muttered Lilah, currently nestled in Althea’s neck. “Is you bleedin’?!”

“This man says the goth one stabbed him!” shouted the bouncer, who was very specifically not checked the women out.

“Izzat true?” gasped Lilah.

Jesus, how drunk is she?, thought Darren.

“What?! No! You were THERE!” Althea let go of Lilah’s bra.

“Then where’d I get these from?” Darren snapped.

“I dunno, clumsy in the kitchen?” Althea snapped back. “You can’t seriously be doing this, Darren, I didn’t stab you! And there’s no evidence!”

“There’s these bite marks!” Darren triumphantly pointed to them. The bouncer saw them and gasped dramatically.

“No, those aren’t from me- well, they ARE from me, but you have to believe me!” said Althea desperately. “Darren operates this secret S&M dungeon side business in a storage unit, and we had a session today! That’s where the bites came from!”

Everyone fell silent.

“That sounded better in my head, I swear.”

Okay, I almost got the bitch. Now for the finishing touch…

“If you didn’t stab me,” began Darren dramatically. “Then were did THIS come from?!”

He tossed his sweater off in a single tug… revealing his t-shirt, coated in Althea’s body paint from earlier.

The bouncer gasped again. He’s great at that.

“I- no, I can explain! It’s- the dungeon- and-” Althea stammered desperately.

“You bitch!” shrieked Lilah. “How dare your hurt him!”

She threw herself at Althea, grabbing her neck and wringing it as Althea started pushing back.

They were still half naked.

We’re sure you can imagine.

Perverts.

“Ooh, we should sell tickets!” murmured Darren.

“Don’t you want to get to a hospital?” asked the bouncer.

“In a minute, in a minute…” Darren trailed off.

“Okay, I need to break this up. Rule’s say I need to break this stuff up once somebody starts getting off on it.” sighed the bouncer.

“Wha- I’m not getting off on this!” Darren gasped defensively.

“Not YOU!” the bouncer pointed at the duo.

“Oh god oh god oh god oh god YES! Strangle me harder, HARDER!” Althea started bucking her hips as they fought.

“Yur one fucked up bitch!” slurred Lilah as she started slapping her.

YES, YES!”

“Okay, yeah, you should probably break it up.” sighed Darren.

END OF PART NINETEEN.

“… And that’s about when I keeled over from blood loss,” finished Darren. “The bouncer called me an ambulance, and they decided to pick you up at the same time to check for alcohol poisoning. Then they stitched me up, then I slept all night, then I woke up with you sitting there, then I told you this story, then I stopped telling you this story, and then I don’t know what happened.”

“Wow, really? I don’t remember any of that!” Lilah cradled her head in her arms.

“Considering what you drank, I’m surprised you’re still capable of sentient thought.”

Darren was laying in his hospital bed, absently mindedly fiddling with his blanket, as Lilah sat at the end of the bed, rubbing her temples in a vague attempt to rub the hangover away.

It wasn’t working.

“Weren’t we gonna go research my civil war story yesterday?” Lilah frowned. “How the fuck did we end up at the Horrible Mistake?”

“You wanted to get laid, because… of no particularly reason.”

There is no way I’m opening that particular can of worms again. We’re running out of gay bars.

Lilah stretched, and there is absolutely no way that Darren started ogling her chest right then.

None at all.

“Would it be okay if I left? I know you just got stabbed, but I’m really late on my post, and Todd’s been texting me about it all night…”

Oh no, the fact that I just got myself ventilated by a hobo to commence a scam to keep you from fucking my gothy BDSM client and get you to a hospital for alcohol poisoning (despite the fact that you haven’t even thanked me) means that I of course don’t want your motherfucking suppor-

Darren sighed.

“Nah, it’s cool. Wasn’t gonna do anything fun here anyway.”

Lilah flashed a brilliant smile. “M’mkay, see you later, Darren!”

She darted out the hospital room, then immediately stuck her head back in.

“By the way, Darren… thank you. You’re a great friend.” Lilah smiled again, and left.

“Yeah, right.” sighed Darren. “A great ‘friend’. Fucker.”

END OF PART TWENTY.

9 Responses to “Madhere 2: THE SECOND COMING”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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