We’re All Mad Here

25 Aug

It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to review a horrible horror movie! Why is that?

Oh, right. The last one made me cry.

Hrm.

Well, time to get back on that wagon, with Madness, a movie with absolutely no notable features whatsoever!

Yay?

A game of “Got Your Nose” gone horrible wrong.

The film opens with their production logo, “Stockholm Syndrome Film”. Ooh, not a good sign. Titles should never reference mental disorders!

coughcough.

The production logo bursts in to flame, as production logos are wont to do, and we’re informed that “Over 2000 people are reported missing every day in the U.S along. Not everyone make it back safe”. Er, don’t you mean “makes it back safe”? You really need to edit this crap!

And I’M saying that.

Anyway, we cut to a bloodied up woman, tied up and sobbing. She’s in what appears to be a barn, when a man in a hoodie walks in and cuts her down. She sprints for safety, when the man manages to tag her with a throwing knife. Ooh, twenty points!

She falls over, dead, because apparently that was her weak point for massive damage. The man walks over, stomps on her gut… and a geyser of blood shoots out from under her dress?

Great. Five minutes in and we’ve already got one involuntary abortion under our belt. Isn’t that some kind of world record?

“And the award for ‘Jesus Fucking Christ What Is Wrong With You” goes to… Madness! Congratulations! You suck!”

We get our credits over a white rat as it wanders through the barn, until our mysterious murderer stomps him. Aww, this is the worst Stuart Little sequel ever.

We cut to two obnoxious blonds with indecipherable accents, driving to Minneapolis and discussing their sex lives.

Welcome to my hell.

They pull over at a gas station where two schmoes are repairing their car. The girls apparently decide to practice for competition, so they strip down to their cheerleader outfits and start… I dunno. Cheering? Leading? Pompoming? I do not know how cheerleading works.

The girls agree to give the boys a ride, and as the boys get ready to go, a creepy motherfucker with a bandanna over his mouth in a big black truck drives up and just stares at everyone for a while. Then he drives away. Dude, you are the worst Peeping Tom ever.

The boys and girls drive off, while our bandanna’d stranger watches through binoculars. He picks up his walky talky and calls for “Bob”, and- wait, does anybody still use walky talkies any more? Seriously, get a fucking cell phone.

He blathers to Bob in a foreign language (Um, some subtitles would be nice), and Bob blathers back while he buries a corpse in what appears to be delicious cake mix. Yay for multitasking!

Back with the Expendables (in that every single one of these characters are completely expendable), the boys say they’re from Minneapolis. Hah hah, yeah, sure. With that accent? If you’re American, than I’m Christina Hendricks.

Suddenly, it all makes sense.

Suddenly, it all makes sense.

Their inane conversation about who gets to bone who is interrupted when Bandanna drives by… and whips a raccoon at their wind-shield.

Oh my god, I love this guy.

Their car crashes, so they head off on foot because, even though this came out in 2010, of COURSE nobody has a cell phone. Meanwhile, we see someone with a great bushy moustache hopping in to a big white behemoth of a car. Jesus, I’m pretty sure that’s actually a yacht that grew wheels and came out on land.

Moustache picks the group up, and starts taking them to… I dunno. Thunderdome? Anyway, one of the boys leaps out of the car while it’s in motion, because apparently Moustache didn’t think locking the doors was that important in a kidnapping. God, this is the worst abduction EVER.

They park, and Moustache and Bandanna reunite! It’s a very touching reuinion, filled with hugging, and gleeful laughter, and flashbacks, and tulips, annnnnnnd okay, why aren’t the teenagers escaping? THE DOORS ARE UNLOCKED, YOU TWATS.

Moustache puts on a bandanna (NOW how the hell am I going to tell the two apart?!) and he and Bandanna pull the trio out of the car. The three get tied up and dragged along a dirt road, while they make absolutely no effort whatsoever to escape.

Oh, this movie is going to hurt.

This is going to HURT.

If this makes me cry again, I will NEVER live it down.

Meanwhile, back with the one guy who had the brains to escape, he’s finally woken up and is leisurely strolling down the road. Wow, good thing this isn’t an emergency, huh?

We cut to Bob, who douses the girls’ car in gasoline and burns it because, hey, we have a special effects budget and dammit, we’re gonna use it!

Our escapee accidentally wanders right in to Bob, who tries (and fails) to get his fancy schmancy chainsaw going. Aww, don’t worry, honey. It happens to every man!

Well. It happens to you. A lot.

Finally, the escapee manages to knock the chainsaw away from Bob. Quick! Cue Shatnerian fight sequence! 

Eventually, the escapee manages to get a hold of his previously discarded knife, and manages to take Bob out. Aww, don’t do that! He’s the only one here with a fucking NAME!

Meanwhile, back at the incompetency brigade, the two blonds have been tied to the floor. They attempt to escape their ropes using the wonderful gift of fire, and… yeah, that works about as well as you’d expect.

The one guy, on the other hand, as been tied up, bent over a work bench. I… do not like where that is going.

Over with the blonds, they’re apparently out of matches, but they’ve managed to spot the man doing a passable imitation of beef jerky in the corner! Who tells them to “get out”.

Gee, thanks. We… we really didn’t think of that.

One of the personality free mooks (they’re all kind of blending together at this point) calls up Bob’s walky talky, which sets the escapee on his quest for ass-kicking! Wow! If I pretend I know what’s going on, this is actually kind of exciting!

Meanwhile, at the shack, the guy bent over the work bench is… having his face licked by one of the mooks.

This just got… dangerously erotic.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

WOOT RUNNING GAGS.

The captive starts having a hissy fit, which shows that… he’s not wearing pants. Dammit, I used the picture too early! Anyway, he fidgets around and manages to get one hand free. He tries to saw through his other handcuff, but is stymied by the fact that YOU SUCK AT SAWS. 

So, choosing the most obvious solution, he… saws through his own thumb?

You’re BAD at this.

Stumpy manages to flee, until one of the mooks tags him with an axe. Don’t worry, I’m sure it was an… axcident?

I’ll let myself out.

I’ll have my things packed by the morning.

Wait, so we’re almost fifty minutes in, and we’ve only had two fucking deaths?! I’ve seen episodes of Teletubbies with a higher fatality rate!

Okay, fuck it, TO BE CONTINUED. Come back tomorrow, ladies and gents, I cannot take this fucking movie any more tonight. JESUS.

2 Responses to “We’re All Mad Here”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. We’re Still Mad Here | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - August 26, 2013

    […] everybody, and welcome to part two of my review of Madness, the BLANDEST HORROR MOVIE […]

  2. The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Reviewed | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 7, 2014

    […] Number 10: Madness […]

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