We’re Still Mad Here

26 Aug

Sigh. Okay, lets get this over with.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to part two of my review of Madness, the BLANDEST HORROR MOVIE ALIVE. 

When we last left off our blandest brigade, a collection of psychotic hillbilly mooks captured two blond bimbos with indistinguishable accents, and two random schmucks. The blonds are still tied to the floor, one guy is free and is trying to fight back, and one guy is “free”, in that he just died.

(See what I did there?)

Lets get this over with. Our resident psychotic drags the dead guy back to the Shack Of Doom. because it makes a fetching centerpiece, presumably. He passes the Escapee, who takes the time to cry about it. Oh, boo hoo, so your friend is dead, big deal! We’ve all got problems! I’m out of milk!

Inside the Shack, the blonds have finally managed to pull the lock they’re tied to off the floor!

Just as the mooks walk in.

They get a little rapey, but before anything can get too nightmarish, the burnt victim in the corner manages to cry out. Goddammit, will somebody pop a cap in his ass?! He’s starting to bum me out!

*BLAM*

THANK you.

The mooks apparently didn’t notice the Blonds escape attempts, and the mooks leave. The Blonds begin their daring escape, CUE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME, GO!

Once outside, the Blonds manage to find a mass grave. Which is… a bit of a mood killer, I’ll admit, but they manage to cut their restraints off, which I’m sure is a big bummer for all the BDSM fans in the audience!

Which I assume is EVERYONE here. We are on the internet, after all!

One of the mooks manages to find the Blonds, but before he can stab them right in their various orifices. the Escapee manages to sneak up annnnnnd- BAT TO THE HEAD!

Home run!

The trio, now united, go for the boat the burnt guy mentioned earlier, but are stopped by… one of the mooks shooting at the lake?

Oh no?

We cut to the Escapee and one of the Blonds, now recaptured, and getting the crud beaten out of them!

Oh my god, this is horrific, and terrible, and nightmarish, and SO BORING.

Yawwwwn.

The duo get to listen over the radio as the other blond has weights tied to her feet and gets dumped in the lake. Aww, don’t do that! Now her hair spray will irrevocably damage every living thing in that lake!

The Escapee and the last Blond have been beaten unconscious off-screen, but that doesn’t stop them from being boring, no siree! The Escapee manages to wake up and free himself, just in time to murder another mook. Jesus, these things have the life spans of mayflies.

We cut to two mooks, loading corpses on to a truck. Gee, that’s not going to attract any attention at all. They take the corpses to a lake, and dump them in, leaving just enough time to cut away before each actor drowns.

Dammit.

The Escapee and the Blond have escaped, and are taking time to arm themselves with axes and molotovs. Damn, sounds like my kinda party!

The two walk leisurely down the road, ignoring the fact that they’re fleeing for their lives. Of course, they make sure to take the time to stop and try desperately to hammer out some form of character development.

(It doesn’t work.)

Of course, now would be the PERFECT time to run in to the mook brothers again! They take the time to park the car before starting their epic climactic battle… which is when the Escapee whips molotovs at them.

Hee hee hee.

Fire is FUNNY.

It only slows ’em down a moment, which is enough time for the Escapee and the Blond to flee in to the woods. They come across a house, which the Escapee decides would be a perfect backdrop for an epic climax! The Blond, meanwhile, says “fuck it” and runs off.

BITCH.

It starts raining, solely so we could have thunder for our epic final battle, and… cue drawn out fight scene! Said drawn out fight scene, between the Escapee and one of the mooks, is interrupted when the other mook realizes, “oh, right, I have a FUCKING GUN”. So, the Escapee hides in the shack, setting up the inevitable “Madness Meets Home Alone”.

And… oh, crap, yeah, that’s exactly what happens. At least until the Escapee remembers he is apparently a fucking ninja, and manages to take off one of the mooks hands with a thrown axe. Sweet!

And… then he hides some more.

Less sweet.

The mook who wasn’t just maimed, “Here’s Johnny”s his way in to the Escapee’s new hiding spot, and gets ready to shoot him, until he remembers that he can apparently kick his ass without it! He beats the Escapee in to a pulp, the Escapee manages to stab him in the foot, the Maimed Mook beats up some furniture, blah blah blah END ALREADY.

The Blond finally manages to wander back in, and puts a cap in the Maimed Mook’s ass, until the Main Mook (see what I did there?) sneaks up on her and knocks her on her ass. He then heads back to finish off the Escapee… until he falls in a hole?

Did I put in Looney Tunes all of a sudden?

That WOULD explain all the hilarious accents!

The Escapee manages to limb downstairs and finish off the mook, and he manages to limp upstairs to reunite with the Blond, and we have to sit through EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF IT.

JUST END.

We get a sloooooooow montage of all the carnage, then we slooooooooowly pan over to the two standing outside, and they slooooooooowly kiss. Operative word here being sloooooooooooooooooooooow.

Annnnnnd… IT’S OVER!

FUCKING FINALLY.

Jesus fucking christ, Madness manages to be gross, stupid, AND boring, all at the same time! I can’t even think of any good jokes for anything this boring! This is like the cinematic equivalent of plain white bread, being eaten by Kristen Stewart, in the middle of the “Blandest Thing Ever” convention!

Did you get my point yet?

IT’S BORING AS FUCK.

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One Response to “We’re Still Mad Here”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Reviewed | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 7, 2014

    […] Number 10: Madness […]

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