Archive | September, 2013

Going Shopping

30 Sep

“Why, hello, son! What are you shopping for today?”

“N- nothing, just… just shut up and sell me these.”

“Sure thing, boy! Say, what is it?”

“NOTHING. Just scan it, and let me get the fuck out!”

“Are you sure it’s nothing?”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shu-”

“‘Cause, it certainly looks like it’s a pair of-”

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP.”

“- A pair of ballet flats! Taking dance, huh?”

“… Oh, I swear, old man, they’ll never find your body.”

IT’S A VERY MANLY ENDEAVOUR OH MY GOD SHUT UP.

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Catchphrase And Release

29 Sep

Tally ho, insubordiants! You know, I was sitting up here in my multi-million dollar space station powered by the souls of those who got in my way, and I started thinking… I need a catchphrase!

Now, you might say, “But Erik, you magnificent stallion! You already did something like this about your tagline! What’s the difference this time?”. And that’s when I discreetly shoot you in the kneecap, shove a chloroformed rag down your throat, and bury the body behind an Arby’s.

So let’s get started!

Hmm, how about “We try to be interesting”?

Nah! For some reason, that sounds… vaguely familiar.

Oh well, fucked if I know! Maybe it was a pop song?

“A very strange place? More like a very grain place!”

Okay, no. That’ll only work if I get trapped in a grain silo haunted by ghosts, and I can’t imagine that happening more than twice.

“Suck my cock.”

That’s… less of a catchphrase, more of a profanity.

So, naturally, this is the best option.

“Make it so.”

I’d need to be a lot more bald to pull that off, and I’m not willing to give up my luscious locks that easily! You’re taking them off my cold fucking corpse!

“Because, naturally…”

Hmm. Condescending, jackassish, talking down to people… it’s perfect! I can’t think of a single reason I shouldn’t choose this one-

Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!”

YES. I WANT IT AN UNHOLY AND CARNAL WAY.

Omegle? More Like OmegLESS!

28 Sep

(Wow, titles are really slipping.)

Omegle just can’t decide on a motto! Nowadays, it’s “Don’t Get Pervy!”. Hmm. Not very catchy, probably won’t fly on t-shirts. TRY AGAIN YOU MARKETING BASTARDS.

Anyway, Omegle! Website, let’s random people blather to each other, I make fun of them, write about it here, rinse and repeat. Try to keep up.

Ahem!

Yo, wassup. Let’s party #YOLO #SWAG #DatA$$

What’s that? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of “LIGHT YOU ON FIRE AND PISS ON THE ASHES”.

SOMEONE CHEER ME UP

Look at how fucking cute I am!

Just so fucking cute!

Just so fucking cute!

hi, im looking for horny and fun girls, looks dont matter, kik – part19

“Looks don’t matter”? In that case, why don’t you just masturbate to your reflection?

Oh, buuuuuuuurn!

what are you wearing right now?

The flesh of those who got in my way.

And also suspenders.

What have you been lead to believe Texans are generally like? Besides the religious and political views.

Aren’t they giant anthropomorphic hats?

“WE ARE EVERYWHERE. FEAR US AND OUR LOUD POLITICAL VIEWS.”

What’s soo bad about being a loner?

Because, of course, if you keep masturbating for too long, your hand will wither and fall off.

Have you seen my kitty? He is black and named F. Hamilton Thundercock. Any girls want to ride in my white windowless rape/murder van and help me look? I have candy…and duct tape. Kik Titties4Kitties

There are so many things wrong with this, I think it’s actually breaking my sarcasm circuits.

WE SACRIFICE MY POST TO MY SISTER

27 Sep

TODAY IS MY SISTER’S BIRTHDAY.

IN TRIBUTE, I GIFT HER THIS POST.

OH GOD DON’T HURT ME.

Freshly Riffed 50: Anniversary Edition!

26 Sep

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series with FIFTY POSTS!

QUICK, ANNIVERSARY SONG OFF THE PORT BOW!

It’s kinda hard to believe I’ve kept this series, in which I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts, going for this long. And it’s not even as if I’m getting paid! If somebody felt like giving me a pay cheque at this point, I wouldn’t say no, is my point.

Each title will be linked to the original author, and remember; All mockery is for mockery’s sake only. Besides, it’s our birthday, you’re not allowed to be offended!

Ahem!

Why I Don’t Teach Anymore

“They still don’t let me within 500 metres of a school.”

Geography Is Destiny

GEOGRAPHY IS YOUR DESTINY. GEOGRAPHY RULES YOUR LIFE. GEOGRAPHY RULES MY LIFE. GEOGRAPHY RULES EVERYTHING. GEOGRAPHY IS OUR NEW GOD. ALL HAIL GEOGRAPHY!

Please, deposit your virgin sacrifice in the nearest receptacle.

The Bus Across Java

If this isn’t about a bus that travels across a lake of coffee, I want my fucking money back.

I Am The Sugar Man

Worst pimp name ever.

Why Are Young People Unhappy?

Time Vampires are in the process of stealing their youth, you see, so they have to be really uptight all the time. This also explains why all young people carry stakes at all times.

The Case Of The Missing People

Turns out, they got snatched by Grues.

WHY DO I EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

“You’re Hot”: Gender And Vlogging

Okay, “vlogging” is NOT a word, and if it is, I am killing myself right now.

Hole In My Heart

You… you might want to have a doctor look at that.

Who Cares?

Oi, I thought apathy was MY thing!

Musings From A Recovering People Pleaser

That sounds… messy.

"He slimed me."

“He slimed me.”

Madhere: Part Twenty Four

25 Sep

[For the first Madhere story arc, click here. For the second Madhere story arc, click here instead. For part Twenty OneTwenty Two, and Twenty Three, click here.]

“If the boss asks where I am, tell him I’m not masturbating on his desk.” Cherri grabbed the print-outs of Darren’s smut and dashed for the back room.

“There we go, the barista stole your porn. Leave now.” Todd slumped back in to his chair.

“Never! Porn is forever and eternal! Porn will burn forever and always!”

“You make porn sounds like a cult.”

“Yeah, but the communion is way more fun.”

Todd’s phone interrupted their conversation with a smug little “ding”, followed by the “Ur So Gay” song.

“Ooh, Lilah just texted me!” whistled Todd.

“Wow, you have ‘Ur So Gay‘ as Lilah’s ring tone? JESUS!” Darren shakes his head.

“Oh, really, Darren?” Todd frowned. “What do YOU have as her ring tone?”

“Er… ‘I Kissed A Girl‘.”

“Exactly.”

Todd flipped his phone open, to be greeted with, “give me tumblr!”

“Lilah, seriously, what do you have against grammar?” Todd typed with a sigh.

“cause i aint got time for writin. the lilahlord waits for no man! or thumbs!”

“Are… are you drunk?”

“very super ultra possible. i got in to merril’s rum collecction. now everything is suuuuuper plus okay!”

“How is she?” asked Darren nonchalantly.

“Erm. Super plus okay?” Todd frowned. His phone bleeped once again.

“so, ya, give it to meeeeee. doitdoitdoitdoti!”

“Why do you even want it? Don’t you keep busy with all your numerous life mistakes?”

“yur an assbutt.”

“I do try.”

“i wanna let my political views known! people need to know about the many assbutts of canada’s prime minister!”

“I swear to god, I will give you any amount of money if you DON’T explain your political views.”

“asssssbutt.”

“And NO YOU DON’T GET THE TUMBLR.”

“assssssssssssssssssssbutt.”

“And jesus christ, woman, get some water in you! I don’t wanna have to stab Darren again!”

Todd turned his phone off, just as Cherri walked back up the table, print-outs in hand.

“Here you go!” she handed them to Darren with a spring in her step.

Darren eyed the noticeably crumpled print-outs in his hand. “Please tell me you washed your hands afterwards.”

“Okay, I washed my hands afterwards!” Cherri replied easily.

“Thank god.”

“I totally didn’t, though.”

ARGH!”

END OF PART TWENTY FOUR.

No, Not The Pep Rally!

24 Sep

Dear world;

I have to go to a high school pep rally tomorrow, in celebration of the football team.

On an unrelated note, the arsenic pills should be kicking in shortly.