Writing From The Belly Of The Beast

14 Sep

Hey, glorious minions! Guess what?

IT’S.

OUR.

SIX HUNDREDTH MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING CORNSHUCKING POST.

In celebration of this most momentous occasion, I will be reviewing… 666: The Beast! ‘Cause… ’cause, see, it has a 6 in the title, and this anniversary has a six in the title, so I thought…

Okay, fine, I was going to review this anyways. What do you want from me? “600” is just a number! So is “599”, and you don’t see me whoring myself out for him!

Anyway, 666: The Beast! This marks the first time I’ve ever intentionally bought an Asylum movie, and, far more importantly, it’s an Omen rip-off! (Well. It’s a sequel to an Omen rip-off, which I think makes it an Aslyum rip-off of Omen 3, and doesn’t that just fucking say it all.)

We pop the film in, and are immediately treated to a barrage of trailers! Let’s see, we start off with an “I Am Legend” rip-off, where the men are pizza-faced, the women are non-existent, and the gunshots are muted.

The next one is a “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea” rip-off, starring… Lorenzo Lamas?!

YAAAAAAAAY! LORENZO LAMAS!

Who’s that?

Hi, I guess.

Next up on our roster is a bargain bin “Invasion Of The Body Snatchers”, only with spontaneous lesbianism instead of allegories. So I think we can all agree, it’s way better!

The movie opens with the credits played over stock pictures of religious art work. It’s very effective, if it’s intended purpose is to make you revoke god and all that is good in the world.

We cut to an industry standard abbot, with cassocked monks pouring over books. Unfortunately for all those monk fetishists out there, the wind picks up. No, I don’t mean that it suddenly got windy, I mean it literally picks up our monk and strangles him. Either that, or he has the harshest allergies EVER.

The next morning, a mourning monk is told he has to go to America, and we cut to two women giving awkward exposition over the phone. Something involving houses, and a guy named Donald, and they eventually say goodbye by saying they love each other.

Well, well, well! Looks like this just got…

DANGEROUSLY EROTIC.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

Or not. Just roll with it, people.

We cut to blurry vision, as a blurry POV shot follows people as they walk down the street. One of them, a business man, has the POV jump up his ass right before he gets hit by a bus. I believe the subtext here is, “the devil is in your butt”.

Suddenly, we wake up! A man, presumably Donald, has just woken up from his dream, and is being comforted by someone who we equally presume is his wife. Gosh, whatever happened to the good all days of movie characters wearing name-tags?

Anyway, they talk about him getting a new job, and how much he deserves it. Dude, you’re in 666: The Beast. The only thing you “deserve” is a quick and painless death, followed by anonymity.

(What is it with horrible movies and starting their titles with numbers, anyway? 1313 UFO Invasion, 8213 Gacy House, 666: The Beast, 90210, what, is the terrible movie industry just a big game of Sudoku?)

Don’t even fucking joke like that. Sudokus must DIE.

We cut to the girl on the phone from earlier, in medical scrubs, looking over a computer in the morgue. A corpse, with very impressive man boobs, stands up, behind her. They stare at each other for a while, before fading to black with an off camera scream.

My god, his moobs are lethal!

The woman is discovered by the janitor, crucified, with a pentagram painted on the floor in her blood. Subtlety, thy name is Mantits.

A crime scene is quickly established, with the Monk from earlier coming in and pointing out the Satanic symbols on the floor, and a crucifix birthmark around her neck. Ooh, I’m smelling a spin-off! “A grizzled detective, and a smartass monk, fighting Satan on the mean streets of L.A!” I’m seein’ Leslie Nielson and David Boreanaz.

We cut to Donald’s wife, with the same crucifix birthmark, kissing Donald as he goes off to work at Evil Co. Once there, he sees a dolphin collection that intrigues him so much, he doesn’t even notice Mantits (in a business suit, no less!) sneaking up behind him! Okay, we can add “invisibility” to the list of his guy-rack’s abilities.

Donald and Mantits sit down, and establish Donald’s backstory: An orphan, who got orphaned twice because he is just the unluckiest fucker, and studied law, who’s working in a big company in L.A and yes, the first person to make an Angel reference dies in a shallow grave.

(Yes, I’ve been re-running Angel lately, why do you ask?)

Mantits tells Donald that he won’t be getting the job, but only to piss him off and make him angry. (Dude, you have the weirdest fetish.) Once Donald does, Mantits tells him he doesn’t get a job… instead, he gets a much better job! Movie over, right? Now we can leave?

No? Okay, fuck you.

We cut to Donald’s pregnant wife, who gets a TV that won’t turn off, and eggs filled with blood, which swiftly disappear once the Detective comes knocking. They establish that the Wife was the other woman’s sister, while the Monk silently watches from the shadow, presumably masturbating the whole time.

Back at Evil Co, Donald gets introduced to his new breathy, leggy secretary with great boobs, and wow I should probably stop talking, and Mantits talks about an important deal with Israel. Full disclosure, I’m distracted by the woman’s great… lips, so I didn’t really pay attention. Sue me, I’m a teenager!

The Wife tries and fails to call Donald, so he’s not there for when she sees the sister’s corpse. (Douche.) And after, the Monk starts to interrogate the Wife about how she’s the chosen one, and the sister is the chosen one, and her unborn child is the chosen one, and is there anybody in this fucking movie who ISN’T a chosen one?!

YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

Donald gets bugged by his jackass co-worker, Tom, about getting the promotion, which is hopefully gonna matter at some point, and Donald gets home to get yelled at for not answering his wife all day about her sister’s murder. (Dooooooooooooouche.)

We cut to the morgue, where the Detective’s Assistant is standing over the Sister’s corpse. She comes from the dead, strangles him, then immediately dies again. Ah, so it’s an energy efficient zombie!

Donald and his Wife are at a church, presumably for the funeral, when the Secretary suddenly teleports in, to be seen only by Donald, when she immediately teleports out again. Wait, can all women do that?

At the office, Mantits is going on about a very important file they have lost, while the Secretary shows off her amazing cleavage, with a bit of bra pattern poking out, as well as bending down to show off her wow, this review is getting awkward.

Donald promises to take care of the file, which he does (surprise, surprise) which means he’s the big hero! In return, Mantits takes him off-screen for drinks, and something that results in lipstick on Donald’s neck. Clearly, the two were going at it like woodchucks.

Don’t even lie, you thought about it.

Naturally, the Wife is not impressed by this, but apparently not enough to start a fight over, and they go to bed. Most forgiving wife EVER. 

Donald’s treated to a dream where the Secretary, in a corset and garters, offers Donald a hilarious Halloween prop knife to kill the Wife. Which he… is apparently okay with! Wow, it did not take long to make him evil.

The next day, Donald is at a big meeting about Israel (that’s like the buzzword for the movie, drink every time they say Israel!), while the Wife walks down the street, filled with illusionary demonic schmucks saying “boo”. Fortunately, the Detective is there to… grab her shoulders? What, is that a woman’s weak point for massive damage?

After closing the case, Donald, Mantits, and the Secretary celebrate with a bottle of champagne. At least, they do until Mantits leaves because he’s “gettin’ too old for this shit”. Uh oh, sex scene off the port bow! But first, we have to sit through the Detective getting killed by street thugs!

Okay then.

Anyway, we cut to Donald and the Secretary in a long, overdrawn sex scene, complete with throbbing techno and eerie mood lighting. Is red fluorescent lighting integral to boinking? The Wife, meanwhile, is subjected to Satan saying her name over and over again. Set it up to that sex scene techno, and we’d get a pretty sweet remix going!

Donald wakes up, fully clothed and alone, on the conference room table, when Tom walks in and threatens Donald with blackmail. Donald, naturally, strangles him, tosses him down a flight of stairs, and screams “you’re not my wife”.

What? It’s what I’d do!

Mantits wanders in, and gives Donald a “Gosh, Isn’t Evil Fun?” speech. Are you really trying to seduce him to evil? I thought the part where he seduced Satan’s slut and killed a man made that… kinda redundant!

The Wife, meanwhile, starts flashing back to the crucifixion, with everything she imagines appearing on her body. Yikes, that’s gonna make high-fiving a bitch.

Ewwww!

Mantits informs Donald of his prophecy as he flashes back to the first movie, informing Donald that he will bring about war in the Middle East. Wait, so you’re saying not everybody does that? Huh!

While all that’s going on, the Wife is brought in to the hospital to be treated for a terminal case of stab-yo-wrists, but she screams Donald’s name, so she’s fine!

Donald, Mantits, and the Secretary head off to find followers, and find two naked women, licking a third one who’s tied up, before stabbing her, after which they lick her some more.

Huh.

Looks like this just got…

DANGEROUSLY ERO- wait, dammit, I already made that joke!

Sorry, this is the only other running joke I have on docket.

Sorry, this is the only other running joke I have on docket.

The spontaneous lesbians give Donald a cup of “innocent” blood, before showing him a crowd of hooded cultists. “All that the cheesy red light touches is your kingdom”, I guess.

Back at the hospital, the Wife is treated to a visit by the Monk, who goes on about stigmata and her prophecy. He also says that the hospital thinks she crucified herself- wait, what the fuck.

Over at the evil cult, Mantits explains to the crowd that Donald is the chosen one- FOR FUCK’S SAKE NOT ANOTHER ONE.

The Monk informs the Wife that, once 12 stars forms a hexagram, she will give birth to the chosen one- GODDAMMIT- and that the Anti-Christ will try to stop that. Satanic Abortion, huh? I heard that’s very “in” this year.

Mantits tells Donald to kill him, and the Secretary hands him the knife. NO! Don’t kill him, humanity can’t stand to live without such a set of magnificent hooters!

Oh well, at least we still have me!

Don't deny it, you saw it coming!

Don’t deny it, you saw it coming!

The Wife steals the Monk’s car (Dooooouche.) and heads home, only to find Donald and her less dead sister, now decked out in Satanic red-and-black! They try to play the “it’s all a dream” card, but the Monk bursts in and ruins the illusion. Including the one around the sister, who is now revealed to be the Secretary! Ooh, she can shapeshift? Duly noted…

Look, sometimes a guy gets curious!

The Monk takes her to a church, complete with a velvet birthing chamber, and priests who have never seen an acting class in their life. Including one, who turns out to be eeeeeeevil, too! DUN DUN DUUUUUUon’t even care.

While waiting for the climax, the Monk lists a collection of things about six, which means OKAY FINE I’LL ADMIT REVIEWING THIS ON MY SIX HUNDREDTH ANNIVERSARY WAS NOT A BAD IDEA SHUT UP.

“And on the six hundredth post, God did create A Very Strange Place! And he saw that it is strange.”

Just as the Wife enters labour, Donald bursts in with a great chorus of thunder and lightning. The Monk tries to play the “hey kiddo here’s a crazy idea let’s worship god card”, which goes… about as well as you’d expect.

(The priests get sliced and diced, is what you’d expect. Think, “Malicious Slap-Chop Guy”.)

“VINCE FROM SLAP-CHOP WILL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL.”

Donald is eventually put down by the Wife shoving a knife in his spine, and the baby is born! All is good- at least, until the Monk says several vague things about future adventures, and apocalypses, and zombies, and… oh god. Sequels?

He’s… he’s promising sequels?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anyway, so that’s 666: The Beast! And… yeah, that was fucking awful.

Nothing more to be said, really. Fucking awful acting, characters, writing, plotting, effects, pretension, stupidity, you name it, they fucked it up.

But hey! At least there were many naked women!

I’m a teenage boy, we’re easy to please.

Thank you, for being one of the 10,000 people to read this site (yeah, we’ve broken the ten thousand mark! Go us!) and for sticking with me this last 600 posts! Let’s see if we can do better, shall we?

2 Responses to “Writing From The Belly Of The Beast”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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  2. The Seventh Day Of Regretmas: Rhyming Fishes, Seuss Would Be Proud | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 19, 2013

    […] Sharknadoes, vampires, 666: The Beast, but to even that out, the people are bitches, at […]

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