Gwen Cooper, GODDAMMIT.

22 Sep

Everybody has revelations. They’re those little moments of knowledge, where everything makes sense. I had one myself, a week ago.

Torchwood had an American season.

What the fuck.

“Where’s the ‘kaboom’? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering ‘kaboom’!”

After two seasons and the Children Of Earth mini-series, BBC was apparently not so sure about giving them any more money, until the American producer, “Starz Originals”, stepped in and handed them a sack of money. I’d critique them for this, but if somebody offered me enough money, I’d totally make “A Very American Place”.

(Currently considering offers for options. Come on, people, don’t leave me hanging. I’m seein’ Orlando Bloom as me, Leslie Nielsen as the Editor, with Will Smith as the love interest.)

I figured, hey, an episode of the American version of a British sci-fi show that I already roasted seems right up my alley! (‘Roasted’ is a thing people say, right? It’s ‘hip’ with the kids?)

But first, an explanation! Since our last run-in with Torchwood, a lot has changed! Their headquarters got blown up, they got kicked out of Cardiff, all evidence of their existence was erased, and most of the team… er… went and got ice cream?

Er, yes. Ice cream. “Murdered In Cold Blood” ice cream, with “Touching Emotional Death Scene” sprinkles.

Which means we are left with Captain Jack Harkness, the immortal omnisexual leader from both our distant future AND our distant past (just roll with it), Gwen Cooper, the infinitely irritating bleeding heart who cheats on her husband like it’s going out of style, and Rhys, her loyal husband.

Awkward.

So, come on, let’s get this over with! Our brand new, high budget Miracle Day opens with… news coverage of a state execution of a murderous pedophile rapist.

Jesus, this is gonna be a cheery watch.

Oswald Danes is his name, and he is being executed for the rape and murder of a 12 year old girl. According to our fictional newscaster, Danes was quoted as saying, “She should have run faster”. Dude… have you seen a 12 year old’s legs? Those fuckers are stubby, how the hell was she supposed to get any real distance?!

(Oh, I am going to hell.)

Danes is strapped down and injected with something that I guess is supposed to be poison, but appears to be green Gatorade. And, as with all people who are exposed to Gatorade, he starts screaming and thrashing around and has to be restrained by the cops!

Dammit, Gatorade, when will the killing end?!

We cut to a black guy driving along at night, while the girl he’s on the phone with asks, “Did you ever hear of Torchwood?”. Dammit, that’s what the AUDIENCE is supposed to be saying!

Apparently our two American schmucks work for the CIA, and are currently investigating why every computer in the agency suddenly got sent the word “TORCHWOOD” at the same time. (Viral marketing, obviously.) As soon as she tries to send it to him, a virus immediately wipes all their computers. My god… think of all the porn, lost!

Before we have a chance to mourn the loss, our black agent, Rex Matheson, gets in to a nasty car accident, which results in steel piping running straight through his heart, skewering him to the car seat.

Oooh, you’re gonna feel that in the morning.

Rex is brought in to the hospital, still alive, with his co-worker from over the phone, Esther, trailing behind. We get to hear the hospital staff complaining about the fact that nobody has died all day, no matter their injuries, and the Foreshadowing Fairy starts to giggle in the corner.

We cut to Gwen Cooper (GODDAMMIT) living in seclusion in the Welsh countryside, with her husband and baby. They bicker, argue about the secret alien agency Gwen used to work for, and threaten to shoot passing tourists. You know, like all married couples.

We cut back to Esther, waiting for Rex, when the doctor informs her Rex hasn’t died. In fact, nobody has died. No one in the hospital, or the next hospital, or the hospital across the country, or any hospital in North America, or any hospital on the face of the earth.

For the first day ever, nobody has died.

Hey, I just got why this is called “Miracle Day”!

Hah hah! That’s good! Now, be prepared to have the title “miracle” name dropped every five fucking minutes!

Back at the prison, Oswald Danes is negotiating for his freedom with the governor’s lawyer, on the grounds that “I’ve served out my death sentence”. Erm. I’m… I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that, given that you’re still alive, and all. Here, give me five minutes with an axe, we’ll see if we can “revise” that.

Over at the CIA, Esther is still trying to figure out what Torchwood is, but her research is stymied, what with the whole “let’s figure out why everybody is immortal” thing, but we establish that people assume Torchwood is dead now, after the events of Children Of Earth, and all the hard copies of any information on them has been taken by Esther and Rex’s boss.

OH GOD I FORGOT TO PUT A JOKE HERE WHAT THE FUCK.

Over with Rex, he’s tuned in to the Exposition Channel, and swaths of yokels talk about how “creepy” it is that dead people aren’t dying any more. Oh, of course, you have a couple stiffs up and running again, and people start freaking out, but you give ’em a crown of thorns, and suddenly everything’s alright!

I’M GRUMPY.

Pssh, just a crown, Jesus? Show up in a Jock Strap of Thorns, then I’ll be impressed.

Meanwhile, over in Wales (which is the first time that sentence has ever been said, actually), Rhys and Gwen Cooper (GODDAMMIT) are engaged in the national pass time of “painting a wall”, when the cell phone rings. Wait… they have cell phones in Wales?

IMPOSSIBLE.

It’s Gwen Cooper’s (GODDAMMIT) old cop buddy, informing her of her father’s heart attack. Gee, I wonder if THAT’S gonna be relevant later on.

Back in America, Esther is lying her way in to the file department to find info on Torchwood. After a very tense “rooting through cardboard boxes” scene, Esther finds pictures of the team… which is exactly when Captain Jack shows up!

Oh hai, Jack! Anyway, how’s your sex life?

Esther sprints through the records room, only to find the secretary riddled with bullets, gurgling with blood, but not dying. Yowch, immortality is a bitch. The man who shot him gets ready to riddle Esther, but Jack pops up from behind Esther and beats him to the punch.

(I mean he shoots the man, not that he shoots Esther. We’re not that lucky.)

Jack runs over to the man and assures Esther that he’s not gonna die, despite the multiple bullet wounds. The man delivers a witty quip, reveals that he’s strapped with bombs, so Jack grabs Esther and leaps through the window as the building explodes behind them.

Yep, this is American, all right.

America, fuck NO.

They land in a fountain, and ignoring the laws of physics and probability, are perfectly fine! Gosh, convenient writing is fun! The fire department shows up to tend to the flames, and Esther and Jack trade exposition. Which, hey, we already covered today! We’re ahead of the script! I guess that means we can just sit around and talk for a while, let them catch up.

So… how are you?

Beautiful weather out there, right?

Okay, fuck this. Back to the story!

As Jack explains all this backstory to Esther, he notices a big bleeding wounds on his arm. Wait… I thought he was immortal? So, now he’s double immortal? Are they cancelling each other out? If he swallows one of those shiny Mario stars, will he be triple immortal?

Who thought immortality would be so fucking complicated!

During their conversation, Jack very discreetly slips her a memory erasing roofie, and Esther is out like a light. Only without the burning filaments, I guess. Do girls have that? I should check on that.

Later, at the hospital, Rex is trying to investigate the explosion from his hospital bed. Using the masterful spy technology of “security cameras”, he watches as Vera, some CIA agents, and an undercover Jack, investigate the… still living suicide bomber.

What the fuck.

The crispy, twitchy, burned remnants of a man is still breathing and blinking and looking around… until Jack suggests slicing his head off to see what happens.

(He’s still alive, by the way.)

I repeat: What the actual flying fuck.

You know, it looks horrible, but I bet he’d go great with a side of ranch.

Over in Wales, Gwen Cooper (GODDAMMIT) and Rhys have travelled to the city to check on Gwen’s father. Cue some character building that won’t be even slightly relevant in this episode, so this scene can fuck right off! Next scene!

Jack shows off his sweet ratty, spider infested crib, complete with a hot plate and a lack of any lightbulbs. Oh well, I’d still do him.

Gwen Cooper (GODDAMMIT) and her cop buddy stand around a computer and discuss the hypothetical ramifications of the Miracle. Long Story Short: If everybody lives, everybody gets fuuuuuuuucked.

(Gosh, I ROCK at summarizing exposition. Wikipedia needs to hire me, ASAP!)

Esther wakes up, with no memory of the previous evening, and covered in bruises… and so does Jack.

That… is… very very ungood.

Rex and Esther have finally realized that Torchwood and the Miracle are PROBABLY connected, and Rex drags himself, kicking and screaming, all the way to U.K to find Gwen Cooper (GOD FUCKING DAMMIT GWEN COOPER I HATE YOU).

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPER.

Rex finally manages to get his way to Wales, wanders the country side, and finally manages to find Cooper’s house… which is when he keels over, unconscious. You get an A for effort, I guess?

Meanwhile, back in the land of news show exposition, Oswald Danes is being released from prison. Oh. come on! American Legal System, can’t you at least give the execution a few more shots? I mean, a baseball bat to the head, a grenade up the ass, a nail gun in the groin, get creative!

Back in Wales, Rex has woken up, tied to the radiator, with Gwen Cooper (GODDAMMIT) telling him to leave them alone as she flees the country. Rex manages to untie himself (Rhys, you’re bad at this) and demand answers, with sweat pouring down his face, and the roar of a helicopter in the backgroun- wait. Helicopter?

Oh my.

“Hi. Got a minute?”

Said helicopter manages to fire a rocket through the entire house without it detonating. Helicopter, you can’t even rocket.

It leaves for a moment when Gwen Cooper (GODDAMMIT), baby in hand, shoots after the ‘copter. (Okay, maybe I’m starting to hate her less.) They manage to make it to the car, when… quick, in the horizon! Is it… CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!

*cue guitar solo*

They hop in to the car, and flee down the beach with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Fortunately, this is rectified with… Gwen Cooper with a rocket launcher.

Okay, since when did this show get amazing?!

The helicopter is blown to pieces and crashes to earth, where the assassins are blown to pieces and forced to live forever in a flaming molten wreckage in the Welsh country side.

Happy ending!

Wales, the ultimate killer.

The team, now re-united, wonder about what they’re going to do now that everyone is immortal, and now that Jack is… mortal! (Well, seeing as Jack is immortal because he’s a fixed point in time and everyone else is immortal because of… something else, this makes no fucking sense, but don’t try thinking about it too much. It’s Torchwood. Just lie back and think of Wales.)

Suddenly, the cops drive in! Rex has decided, with the power vested in him by the CIA, to send Torchwood… to America.

This is, by far, the scariest thing they’ve ever said.

OH GOD NO.

So, that’s Torchwood: Miracle Day! And… WOW, that’s terrible! It’s pretty much just Torchwood with gore, more explosions, and a complete and utter lack of any and all emotions!

Huh. When you put it like that, it sounds FUCKING AMAZING.

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One Response to “Gwen Cooper, GODDAMMIT.”

  1. Bob Bonsall September 23, 2013 at 10:35 am #

    You could use the sentence “It’s pretty much just ______ with gore, more explosions, and a complete and utter lack of any and all emotions!” to describe almost all U.S. cinema. And we like it that way.

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