Shockingly Finite, Part One: Mutilation Mind Rape Pie!

6 Oct

Ladies and gentlemen and variations thereupon, get your cocks out of your ears and listen up, ’cause today we’re reviewing BIOSHOCK: INFINITE! 

I can count three American flags in this picture alone. Welcome to my hell.

If you’ve been paying attention even slightly, you might have noticed that I haven’t reviewed a video game in a long, long ass time! And now that I’ve decided to write this elaborate, multi-part playthrough/review of the recent sci-fi action game Bioshock: Infinite, I can pretend that was deliberate! Yeah, I can retcon real life, who says I can’t?

Anyway, I’m impatient! Let’s rock this!

Ahem!

The game opens with a black screen (ooh, exciting), with a voice over. A woman says, “Booker. Are you afraid of God?”

And Booker says. “No. I’m afraid of you.”

You know, this first date is really off to a rocky start.

We cut to a completely different black screen, this time with a quote! “The mind of the subject will desperately struggle to create memories where none exist…“―R. Lutece, Barriers to Trans-Dimensional Travel, 1889″. Oh goody goody gumdrops, foreshadowing! We’re one mind raping and one mutilation from a perfect Bioshock Pie!

(Never put mind rape in a pie. Mutilation is fine, though.)

Finally, we cut to 1912 on the coast of Maine. We’re on a row boat, rowing out to a light house, with two companions discussing rowing, scientific experiments, and generally ignore me. Oi, assholes, I’m the main character! A little recognition would be nice!

The woman, who refuses to row (Gosh. What a bitch.), hands me a box. In it is a code, pictures of a girl, a gun, a key, and a postcard and general other Chekov’s guns. Except for the gun, curiously enough. (Somewhere out there, a Tv Tropes page is laughing it’s ass off.)

The man and the woman drop me off at the stormy lighthouse. It’s a nice place, if you’re in to jagged rocks, torrential rains, a feeling of complete abandonment, and the smell of fish. And I mean, come on, who isn’t in to that?

On the light house door, a blood splattered note is pinned to the door. “DeWitt- Bring us the girl and wipe away the debt. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!” Presumably, the rest of the note read “- FOR FANTASTIC SAVINGS AT CARPET WAREHOUSE.”

I knock on the door and let myself in. A basin with water inside invites me to wash away the sins, which is met with a scoff of disbelief. Son, you couldn’t baptise me with both hands around my neck!

Upstairs, I find the various knick-knacks that you’d find in somebody’s house. You know, beds, radios, clocks, books, a flight plan, a note instructing somebody to stop me, potatoes, desks, office chairs, spare change, a bloody corpse tied to a chair with a bag over his head and a note around his neck saying “DON’T DISAPPOINT US”, stuff like that!

Something doesn’t seem right there.

Is it the suspenders? It’s probably the suspenders.

I head to the top of the lighthouse, and punch in the code from my box via bells. So, naturally, we get HOLY FUCKING HELL WHY IS THERE FOGHORNS?! WHY IS EVERYTHING RED?! ARRRRRRRGH!

Once that’s over, the door opens, revealing a comfy chair! Why, let’s sit in that comfy chair! That seems like a good idea! And- oh god, it’s locked me in! And a dome has trapped over me! And the chair’s tipping over, making my gun fall out! And- LIFT OFF! 

The chair rockets out, over the lighthouse, only to reveal a beautiful, shining city in the skies! Ladies and gentlemen, meet Columbia! We see brilliant architecture, and a massive angel statues, and glorious zeppleins! It’s wonderful, just wonderful!

So, who wants to bet this is all gonna get fucked up by the third act?

The chair lands in a massive mega-church, and I’m let out so I can go establish the mythos of the game! Essentially, the ever lovable prophet Zachary Comstock decided “to hell with America”, and decided to make a new, more american America in the sky! Then he decided to make everybody who lived there worship him as their only god, because why the hell not at this point?

But forming his own super special clubhouse was apparently not enough for Comstock, and he declared that his daughter, the “Seed of the Prophet”, shall “sit the throne and drown in flame the mountains of man”. Oh, right, remember when that flying city lit the world on fire back in 1912? That was a bitch to clean up.

Comstock, do we REALLY need to point out why this is a bad idea?

Okay, that’s over with, back to the game! I walk through the gleaming church, with a quite frankly unreasonable amount of candles, stealing everything that isn’t nailed down. And as an added bonus, the entire church is filled with ankle high water, because water damage + floating city = Comstock’s a dumbass.

After wandering through the church, I finally find the door to the rest of the Columbia… only problem is, our local blind pastor and coalition of monks won’t let me through without a… a baptism.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

He grabs my head and swirlies my way to God, only for me to wake up in my black and white office. It’s covered in booze, gambling tickets, war medals, more booze, a gun, more booze, and somebody knocking furiously on the door, telling me to “bring the girl and wipe away the debt”. Hey, bring me some more booze, then we’ll talk.

I open the door (which advertises Booker DeWitt as a private detective, fuck yeah)… only to reveal Columbia, in the process of destroying a 1980’s era New York. You know, that explains so much about the 80’s.

So, so much.

When the city fires on me, I wake up on the other side of the Baptism Express, surrounded by massive statues of Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and Benjamin Franklin. I swear, if they don’t join up like Voltron at one point, I am going to be pissed.

I open the door to the city proper and- oh my god, this is glorious. The graphics, the lighting, the clouds, the way everybody’s dressed, the zeppelins, the vaguely sickening way the buildings keep drifting up and down and up and down and up and down and up and- BLAAAARGH!

I wander down the streets, soaking in the views and exposition, the stupid Comstock statue in town square, and the newsie boy with the cap, and the sign saying the “Lamb” is protected by the “Tower”, and… wait, that’s right, I almost forgot I’m on a rescue mission! I AM BAD AT THIS.

Now revitalized with my goal, I head to my destination with new-found rigour- until I get stopped by a floating parade. DAMMIT.

After the parade, I stop at a shop to stock up on props to chock up on pop ’cause that fop dropped my pop when he cockblocked me for Comstock.

I mean, I went to go buy food ’cause I’m low on health points. But once I get there, I find all the food on display ’cause… the shops works on the honour system?

Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh hee hee hee hee HAH HAH HAH AHA HAH HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Anyway, after stealing everything that is physically capable of being stolen, as well as several things that aren’t, I find a Comstock brand public service poster. “THE FALSE SHEPHERD SEEKS ONLY TO LEAD OUR LAMB ASTRAY.” Well, he also seeks to win at Pictionary, but mostly the first thing.

Finally, I manage to find Monument Island, the place where they’re keeping the girl. Ah, what a glorious moment! Now… how the fuck do I get there?

Stupid floating island.

A newsie boy walks up to me with a telegram (wow, I am just terrible at sneaking) which tells me that I shouldn’t alert Comstock (yeah, somehow, I figured that), and that I shouldn’t pick #77. Damn, now I want to do nothing more than pick #77.

I find my way to the Town Fair, which is showing off their super-powers in a bottle, called Vigors. A series of sideshow games are set up, which involve killing devils, executing rebels, and showing off mangled monstrosities of science and man.

Fun, fun, fun!

Oh, don’t even lie, you’d go here if you could.

The only way through the Fair is to the Raffle, but the automated ticket booth refuses to let me by. Fortunately, the Fair is offering the date-rapiest Vigor available… Possession, complete with a scantily clad woman adorning the bottle, and moaning women whenever you drink it!

I cast it on the booth annnnnd… tah-dah! I get in, and more importantly, that’s our first mind rape! Just one mutilation away from Bioshock Pie, the most delicious thing ever banned in Serbia!

On the other side of the door, the man and the woman who rowed me to the lighthouse are waiting. They refuse to let me through until I flip a coin, and it lands heads. And according to their scoreboard, the coin only ever lands on heads.

Huh.

Once on the other side of the duo, I find a poster talking about how “The Songbird” is the protector of “The Lamb”. Which would be worrisome all by itself, if it didn’t come with a bunch of children singing a nursery rhyme about him it.

Songbird, Songbird, see him fly, drop the children from the sky. When the young ones misbehave, escorts children to their grave. Never back-talk, never lie, or he’ll drop you from the sky!”

Why does nobody ever write threatening nursery rhymes about me, huh? How’s that fun?!

“Sing praise”, huh? Any particular song, or can I just beatbox my way to religion?

Finally, I find the way to the Raffle! With a big sign informing me that the False Shepherd will be identified by an “AD” on their hands! Which… I have. Oh, a glove, a glove, my kingdom for a glove!

When I get to the Raffle, held in the middle of a park, some bint refuses to let me through without giving me a ball. Ball 77, to be precise. Wait, so I get an omnipotent telegram telling me what to do, and I still fuck it up?! I AM BAD AT THIS.

I win the Raffle, and I get the prize… the first shot when stoning a black woman and her Irish husband. Hmm. Or, wait, I have a better plan: Hit the announcer instead! EAT BASEBALL, CIRCUS PERFORMER STEREOTYPE.

But as I wind my arm up, the cops notice the AD, and grab me while the announcer sentences the “False Shepherd” to death. The cops prepare their hand-mounted hook drill, which is just about when I start wetting my pants in fear. Until I remember, “Oh wait, I’m Erik fucking Van Rooy, I’m fantastic!”

By throwing the ball in the air, I distract one of the cops enough to smash his face in to the hookshot, with makes his chewy creamy centre spread all over the Raffle, like a particularly macabre jelly doughnut.

I tear the gore soaked gauntlet from his cavernous absence of a face, and dispatch the other guard with a single swing, snapping his neck with little to no effort. Two more guards rush in, one of whom is mercilessly bludgeoned in to pink mist, the other whom has his neck caught in the whirling hooks.

As the bodies rapidly cool as the blood leaves their bodies, I’m left standing there, surrounded by the mangled corpses of those who got in my way, covered in their gore, dripping their brain fluid on to the tacky decorations of the festivities gone by. I breath in the thin air from the flying city, tinged with the taste of the guards.

“Okay, I know this looks bad, but this totally wasn’t my fault.”

I AM BAD AT THIS.

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12 Responses to “Shockingly Finite, Part One: Mutilation Mind Rape Pie!”

  1. Tim Hurley October 10, 2013 at 10:52 pm #

    This right here combines two of favorite things; Erik’s trademark humour (scoring brownie points with that compliment, and I’ll even throw in the ‘u’ in humour as an extra), and BioShock. -Totally- better than watching someone shuffle through an actual video playthrough.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Shockingly Finite, Part Two: Vigour? I Barely Know ‘Er! | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - October 8, 2013

    […] ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: I snuck in to the shockingly racist flying city, run by the dictatorial yet moronic prophet […]

  2. Shockingly Finite, Part Three: Spi-DeWitt, Spi-DeWitt, Does Whatever A Spi-DeWitt Does | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - October 14, 2013

    […] ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: My rescue mission in to the flying city of Columbia has been stymied by my intense […]

  3. Shockingly Finite, Part Four: The Girl In Question | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - October 16, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: Me and my remarkably sociopathic Booker DeWitt are on a mission to rescue a girl from her flying, racist captors, but we took a break to verbally lambaste Comstock, their murderous messiah! Let’s see how that turned out, shall we? […]

  4. Shockingly Finite, Part Five: Escape From Battleship Bay | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - October 20, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: I managed to burst in to the Tower and rescue Elizabeth, a mysterious girl with reality warping super powers, but an intervention by the Songbird, her child murdering protector, knocked us both in to the ocean. Which… I’m going to assume didn’t kill me, ’cause I’m still writing this review! […]

  5. Shockingly Finite, Part Eight: Slated For Execution | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 14, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: In between us and our freedom from Columbia is a busted deus ex machina, so me and Elizabeth are searching the Hall of Heroes for a way to fix it. But, because the world hates us, the Hall of Heroes has been taken over by the ex-war hero Cornelius Slate and his men, who are looking for a heroic way to die. Which I am all too eager to give them! […]

  6. Shockingly Finite, Part Nine: Welcome To Electric Avenue | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 16, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: After killing our way through scores of war heroes, led by the suicidal jackass Cornelius Slate, me and Elizabeth have finally found our way to our plot device Vigour… but Slate has taken it all. […]

  7. Shockingly Finite, Part Ten: Deus Ex Musical Number | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 30, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: Elizabeth and I have FINALLY managed to gun down all those war heroes and grabbed our electrical Deus Ex Machina! Now to fight our way out of Shockingly Racist Disney Land! […]

  8. Shockingly Finite, Part Eleven: Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 3, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: After making our way to an airship to escape Columbia, Elizabeth finally realizes that I’m not taking her to Paris. She expresses her displeasure. Loudly. With a pipe wrench. […]

  9. Shockingly Finite, Part Twelve: I Fink, Therefore I Am | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 9, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: After Elizabeth and I had a little tiff (read: she kept almost killing me), we’re finally partners again! Which is good, because Daisy Bitchroy has stolen out damn airship, and we’ll only get it back if we help her get guns for her revolution. […]

  10. Shockingly Finite, Part Thirteen: Theatre Is Dead | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 27, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: A member of the rebel alliance stole my airship, and unfortunately, she refuses to respect the universal law of ‘Finders, Keepers’. She’ll give it back, but only if Elizabeth and I head down to Finkton and hire a racial stereotype! […]

  11. Shockingly Finite, Part Fourteen: A Piece Of The World Is Missing | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 31, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: Our gunsmith, the key to getting the airship back from Daisy “The Revolution Will Not Be Simplified, And Neither Will The Plot” Fitzroy, has been ferreted away under the Good Time club. All we have to do is go downstairs, and everything will be fantastic! […]

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