Shockingly Finite, Part Three: Spi-DeWitt, Spi-DeWitt, Does Whatever A Spi-DeWitt Does

14 Oct

Welcome back to Shockingly Finite, our multi-part analysis of Bioshock: Infinite! And by “analysis”, I mean I swear a lot while killing things. That counts, right?

“FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK WHY WON’T YOU DIEEEEEEEE.”

PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: My rescue mission in to the flying city of Columbia has been stymied by my intense incompetence, and an army of nameless mooks. Said nameless mooks are now on fire. I apologize for nothing.

Ahem!

After chugging down the Twin’s shield-in-a-bottle, I dash through the bistro’s kitchen, stealing everything that isn’t tied down. And several things that are.

I reach a balcony on the other side of the building, in to yet another stunning vista. But this is Columbia, I’m pretty sure stunning vistas are the local currency.

Well, it’s pretty and all, but where am I gonna go? I can’t jump down, and there’s nowhere to run! Say… there’s a hook over there with a big glowing highlight… I wonder what will happen if I-

HOLY SWEET JESUSY BUTTERFUCK ARGGGGGGH.

Due to the wonder of magnets, my hookdrill can launch me in to any applicable magnetic surface. You might wonder how this can work without tearing my arm out of it’s socket. The answer is “fuck you I wanna be Spider-Man”.

Then I juuuuuuump holy fuck to the next hook, then I flyyyyyyyyyyyy sweet buttery buddha to the next one, then arrrrrgh why is this my only mode of transport again and again. Look, I’m pretty sure magnets don’t work this way, guys.

The first person to make an Insane Clown Posse reference dies in a shallow grave.

Finally, at my last hook, I find a cop standing guard right below me. Wow, I have to wonder what the hell this guy did to get “guard this worthless rooftop” duty.

“Man, it’s no fair! Just because I cast the Tentacle Vigour up the chief’s skirt, I get sent to rooftop duty! Dude, I’m pretty sure she wanted it, I saw the way she looked at Comstock. Say, what’s that hookdrill noise above me- OH FUCK.”

*snap*

I apologize for nothing.

I steal his fancy-schmancy machine gun, and venture in to the thick fog of the rooftop. Oh, and it’s filled with unaware cops? Hee hee hee! Oh my god, I’m like a kid in a candy store of flaming corpses! (We have really weird candy stores in Canada.) Cue guerilla in the mists attack!

After two downed gunships, a frankly unreasonable amount of hookdrill related disembowellings, and more gunned down cops than the messiest GTA playthrough, I stand triumphantly on the corpses of those who got in my way, erection proudly engaged… when the skylight breaks and sends me facefirst in to a woman’s boudoir.

YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT.

“It’s REALLY hard to be badass when you’re surrounded by adorable furnishings.”

After knocking the throw pillows aside, I start looting the rest of the apartment, because I am a stalwart hero of the land, sure, but I gotta pay my rent! I even manage to find a big chest that I can’t open, and a so called “progressive”, who tells me not to shoot him.

“Well, of course, young lad! I would never shoot such an innocent man, simply caught up in the machinations of this flying city- nah, I’m just fucking with you. Bye bye! Oh god, I LOVE not having a morality meter!”

I leave his rapidly cooling corpse, and head back on to the ACTUAL plot! Cue more Spi-DeWitt routines, and I break in to ANOTHER apartment. So, I guess I’m less Spi-DeWitt, and more Black Cat-Witt.

The house is filled with the arguments of people discussing racism, and the necessity of violence. Say, what’s that you said about violence? I love violence! Here, lemme show you! With both hands! And a machine gun! What’s that, the cops want an abject lesson too? Sure, every one come on in! It’s an open fucking lecture, and I’ve got motherfucking tenure!

A re-run of one of those fire schmucks from earlier comes in, and in a normal fight, I would kick his ass. This time around, I kick his ass so hard, my boots permanently smell like farts.

Ewwwww.

Can I have some new boots?

Outside, in the ruins of the fair, a turret has apparently been waiting around for a good old fashioned False Prophet to play with. “Hey, you think you can beat me? I have machine guns and firebombs in the palm of my hand! I have magical magnetic shields! You’re not just gonna riddle me with bullets like last time- HOLY HELL BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER I TAKE IT BACK I TAKE IT BAAAAAAAACK.”

On the other end of it’s now burning wreckage (yeah, fuck you, turret), I find a massive looming building, adorned with creepy eyes. We’re,,, we’re not going in there, right? We’re… we’re going in there. Fuck.

I break in to the looming building of loomingless, also known as the Fraternal Order of Ravens. And yes, it’s covered with ravens. Big ravens, small ravens, ravens that climb on rocks, all the ravens.

In the middle of their grand hall, the Order has a massive statue of their new messiah… John Wilkes Booth.

Something… something’s not quite right here.

Eh, maybe it’s just me.

But hey, maybe it’s not all bad! Their super special club house comes complete with an open bar! Admittedly, said open bar tries to kill me the second I walk in, but you can’t ask for everything.

I step over their corpses, and make my way to the church. We finally get a look at the Order of the Raven… namely, they’re dressed in a navy blue clansman’s hood. YES, WE GET IT, THEY’RE THE BAD GUYS.

They’re in the middle of their “gosh don’t black people suck” sermon, when I interrupt them with a firebomb to the noggin. Hah, take THAT, stupid blue hoods! Your fashion sense is atrocious!

On their altar is an “Infusion”, which is a permanent upgrade for my… let’s say, mana! And also, a key for a chest!

Wait, a chest? Like… that locked chest I found back in that apartment 500 words ago?

I’ll be right back.

One travel montage later, I’ve grabbed the chest (another Infusion, if you’re curious, this one to shields), and am back at the Order! I find a radio, detailing my many crimes and murders and robbery’s and desecration of all that’s good- oh, stop, I’m blushing!

I find a massive conference room, complete with a round table, a projector, stacks of paperwork, and a secret torture chamber coated in blood and also some fancy pants. What, do your conference rooms not have that? Weirdo.

In the next room over, a Chinese prisoner is strung up begging for life, and his tormentor capitulates! “I’m sorry, did you say ‘life’ or a murder of homicidal crows? I always get the two confused!”

So now, me and the Order’s Master of Birds must engage in a fight for the ages in the Secret Garden! And… wait, don’t birds have hallow bones?

Well, that was fast.

I chug down the new Vigour I pull off his corpse, Murder of Crows! Well, the last one lit me on fire, and the one before that tried to seduce me. So, I guess this one will… make a crow land on my hand?

The horror?

I shall call him… Squishy!

Just as I’m wondering what I should do with my brand new “throw birds at their face” super power, a hoard of goons rush in. Hey, is it just me, or are you guys looking a lot more like bread crumbs today? MWA HAH HAH HAH!

Sorry. I like the birds.

I’m finally out of the fucking Order, so I Spi-DeWitt my way to the Gondola Station. Well. I take a short break to murder some civilians and cops drawing a sketch of me, but hey, they deserved it! Being all ‘breathing’ and crap!

I apologize for nothing.

I break in to the Gondola Station, where a large blockade has been set up! Oh no, what shall I do! I mean, other than smothering the room in crows and peppering everything in machine gun fire. I mean, that’d just be cheating.

Once through the station, I’m trapped on the skydock. Hmm… say, is that a skyline? And, far more importantly, how many scientific advancements can be created by just adding “sky” to the beginning of things?

For example, the hookdrill? It’s official name is “Skyhook”. Not even kidding.

The magnets launch me to the railing, and suddenly I’m sent off grinding through the sky! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEY LOOK THERE’S A GUY TO SHOOT HAH HAH HAH AND NOW I’M GOING AGAIN WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE OH NO I CAN’T GO ANY FURTHER THERE’S A BOX ON A RAILING OKAY I MADE IT DROP NOW I CAN GO AGAIN WHEEEEEEEEEEEE OH FUCK MORE BOXES TIME TO LAUNCH-SMACK A GUY THEN JUMP TO ANOTHER HOOK THEN SMASH IN TO A BALCONY AND KILL EVERYBODY INSIDE BECAUSE THAT’S JUST HOW I ROLL HOME BOY WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE I FOUND THE RAILING AGAIN AFTER KILLING EVERYTHING WITH A PULSE NOW I’M FLYING IN TO THE SKY AGAIN OH NO THAT’S A LOT OF GUYS ON THAT BALCONY DOWN THERE THE FUUUUUUUUCK?

A voice calls out for them to stand down over the PA, and they immediately kneel down praying. And yes, I can kill them anyways. Oh god, can I ever!

Once inside the building they were guarding, I’m greeted by the massive looming face of Comstock, who insists on monologuing to me as I take the elevator.

“I KNOW WHY YOU’VE COME, FALSE SHEPHERD.”

“Oh, hey, Comstock! I’ve been meaning to ask, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“ER. WHAT?”

“I mean, I get this whole evil scheme, make a flying city, become the messiah, yeah, yeah, it’s okay. But why the HELL did you let me up here?”

“IT WAS ALL PART OF MY GLORIOUS DESIGN. YOU CAN’T EVEN FATHOM-”

“Oh, just admit you fucked up, Comstock! From that note I found on the lighthouse, you knew I was coming! And yet, I still managed to surprise all of you jackasses! Sure, the lighthouse guy was killed, but why was there only one? Why didn’t you have a whole army to gun me down on the spot? Or even if you wanted to leave me alive, just have cops waiting at the church to arrest me! And hell, if you really wanted to be sure, just blow up the lighthouse! I’d have no way up here! And sure, you’ve informed the public that I’m the False Shepherd, but all that amounted to is rumours and some fucked up PSAs! The cops remained completely flatfooted, which helped me kill a LOT of them! Yeah, nice safeguarding, ‘shepherd’. Although, admittedly, the fact that you openly sell firearms and superpowers-in-a-bottle from fucking vending machines made my job pretty fucking easy. Comstock, you FUCKING DUMBASS.

“…”

“…”

“… IT WAS ALL PART OF MY GLORIOUS DESIGN. YOU CAN’T EVEN-”

Comstock fuck right off.”

Comstock, you are bad at this.

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11 Responses to “Shockingly Finite, Part Three: Spi-DeWitt, Spi-DeWitt, Does Whatever A Spi-DeWitt Does”

  1. Tim Hurley October 15, 2013 at 11:28 pm #

    Hmm, now admittedly, it’s been a few months since I played through, but I don’t remember the Comstock and DeWitt dialog going down quite like that. Maybe something I missed in the subtitles? And who kills the guys that got down on their knees and dropped their weapons? …That’s… that’s just some cold shit, man.

    Oh, but as for ‘It’s an open fucking lecture, and I’ve got motherfucking tenure!’ — Pretty much the best one-liner for teachers / professors, ever. I should’ve changed career paths just so that was an option every day I came into work.

    • averystrangeplace October 16, 2013 at 12:22 am #

      Oh, I’m DEFINITELY sure the Comstock/DeWitt scene went like that. But maybe the Canadian version of the game is just different. (Our version also teleports in hookers and candy.)
      As for murdering the unarmed cops, all I can say is… you ain’t seen nothing yet. “Murder Innocent Bystanders” is practically my middle name!

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