Shockingly Finite, Part Four: The Girl In Question

16 Oct

Welcome back to Shockingly Finite, our multi-part analysis of Bioshock: Infinite! And remember, your tickets are non-refundable.

“AHHHHHH THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA.”

PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: Me and my remarkably sociopathic Booker DeWitt are on a mission to rescue a girl from her flying, racist captors, but we took a break to verbally lambaste Comstock, their murderous messiah! Let’s see how that turned out, shall we?

Ahem!

After a short nosebleed from (a normal reaction to such a wicked and totally not made up smackdown), I step away from the giant, looming face of Comstock… only for his Zeppelin of Doom to blast a smoking hole through the building.

Missed me.

Unfortunately for him, the power of magnets and my hookdrill send me flying on to the side of the Zeppelin! Hah! Bet installing pointless, bulky, and expensive magnetic hooks on to the side of your Zeppelin doesn’t seem like such a great idea now, huh!

Aha!” yells one of the cops as I land on the wings with a flourish. “You may have defeated the rest of Comstock’s army, but I am the greatest soldier in his army! I have slain sinners a thousand-fold! I will tear out your guts and show them to you-”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, dude.” I interrupt.

“What?”

“You do realize you’re standing on the wing of a zeppelin, fighting a guy with ‘Knockback’ as a super power?”

“… Oh fuck.”

Falling, or break-dancing? You decide.

After introducing the rest of the Air Corps to the air’s cores, I break in to the Zeppelin’s control room… which is when Comstock floats over to say ‘hi’.

“Hey, DeWitt, what did you say about me being a dumbass? Well, what kind of dumbass forgets to check for a suicide bomber when he’s attacking a zeppelin?”

*BOOM*

“Oh, fuck you, Comstock.”

I flee through the burning zeppelin, and I manage to grab another Skyline… which leads me directly to Monument Island! So… thanks, I guess? You’re so bad at murdering people, Comstock, you’re actually making my life better. 

Once inside, I have to pass a 15 foot tall security barricade to reach the Tower proper. So, what, their entire containment plan was reliant on the hope that nobody in Columbia owns a ladder?

The entire Tower has been abandoned, save the girl, and I pass a series of quarantine warnings, death threats, lab coats, gas masks, and holy hell, are we sure this is a girl, or have I been hired by Zombie Sympathizers United? (“Just because it’s a monster, doesn’t mean it’s not human!”)

Further in to the Tower, I find a chart recording the girl’s growth and age, as well as evidence of a fight. Goddammit, if it turned out I’ve already been here and killed everyone and then I forgot, I am going to be so pissed.

I find a large fancy box with levers attached, and let’s face it, I can’t not pull a lever. Lever one electrocutes a teddy bear! (… Why?) Lever two electrocutes a poetry book! (Most poetry books deserve such a fate.) And lever three electrocutes a ‘menarche’! Hey, what’s that? Hmm, according to google it’s a- OH GOD NO.

(In case you're curious, it's a woman's first menstrual cycle. What poor bastard drew the short straw and had to get THAT sample?)

(In case you’re curious, it’s a woman’s first menstrual cycle. What poor bastard drew the short straw and had to get THAT sample?)

After you’re done vomiting and rocking in the fetal position, we get to some of the more nightmarish aspects of this Tower, namely a chamber where she’s strapped down and operated on, a dark room where pictures of her getting dressed are being developed, and a video tape of all her various hobbies in life. You know, singing, dancing, painting, trying to pick the lock to freedom, the usual.

You know… and I’m not trying to be pervy or anything, but what kind of sex drive do you think this girl has? I mean, you lock a girl in a room with nothing but books and spare time, how long before she discovers sexual experimentation? Does she even know what sex is, or has Comstock kept that information from her? And even so, did she discover it anyway? And, far more importantly, when she inevitably does… does that mean a whole team of scientists were watching without her knowing?

And hey, if they did that, they would have filmed it, right? Important developmental landmark, and all that? Where did the film end up?

Did Comstock see it?

Wow, this got dark fast. Seriously, what the fuck, Comstock.

YOU DISGRACE THE NAME OF THAT FINE BEARD, SIR.

Moving right along, I head to the next room, home of a massive energy syphon. (According to the sign, at least.) Some energy spikes have apparently made the facility unsafe for human habitation, so obviously the only option is to abandon the dangerous facility that’s overloading with deadly energy and hope that everything just works out for the best! COLUMBIA’S FINEST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I grab an elevator out of the siphon chamber, and head to the top floor. “DING! Floor 615, Woman’s Apparel, Quantum Physics, Cliffhangers, and Plot Critical Characters.”

We’re at the Specimen Observation suite, and a panel opens to reveal a collection of equations and lockpicks. Yeah, who had the bright idea of giving the mysterious quarantined girl that? “What?! She picked the lock and escaped?! But how! We made sure to only give her 20 or 30 lockpicks at most!”

I head over to the next viewing chamber, and in this one… there she is! The girl, FINALLY! The game’s over now, right?

She walks away from my one-way mirror, so I head to the next viewing chamber. In her dining room, she’s examining her painting of the Eiffel Tower… when she calmly reaches in to it and tears a whole in time and space with both hands.

Um. What?

Something’s… something’s not quite right here.

Her tear in the fabric of all that is good leads to a street in Paris, and it’s interrupted when a firetruck comes roaring down the street. She closes it with a shrug, and dashes off again. This girl copes with raping the very nature of reality itself very oddly.

In the next viewing window, she’s standing in her private library and gazing wistfully out the window. But this time, I’ve found the door in! I open it up and- OH FUCK IT’S ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE TOWER NOT THE INSIDE YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

I climb back in, walk some more, until I’m standing on a giant gold plug chained to the ceiling. And yes, of course it gives way the second I’m standing on it, why shouldn’t it? This is video game logic, dammit!

After I hit the ground, me and the girl start getting acquainted. And by that, I mean she starts hitting me with books.

“Ouch! Why did you hit me with a book?!”

“We’re in a library! If we were in a cheese shop, I’d have hit you with cheese!”

Dairy, the deadliest food group.

I tell her I’m here to rescue her, which doesn’t stop her from trying to beat me with a book, but she eventually figures out that I’m real. My rugged good looks should have proven that much!

Suddenly, a statue of Comstock starts to whistle.

“Oh god, he’s coming! Quick, you have to get out of here!” The girl starts to push me away.

“Who, Comstock? Lady, I could tie both hands around my back and still beat him to death with my well endowed cock.”

“No, not him!” Suddenly, the Tower shudders, and the girl yells to the hole I just made in her ceiling. “In a minute, I’m… getting dressed!” 

“Considering the pictures I just found downstairs, I’m not sure he cares. If anything, that’ll just make him go faster.”

The girl insists there’s no way out, even considering the fact that she can make time and space her bitch, until I pull out the key I got from the beginning. Quick, take my plot point!

She uses it on the massive obvious door and we escape in to the Specimen Observation suite just as the mysterious newcomer screams an inhuman scream. What, did it just stub it’s toe?

The girl explains as we run that “It’s” job is to keep her locked up in here. Because… opening a portal to another dimension and fleeing through it just wouldn’t be sporting, apparently.

Fair play is the key to any good escape plan.

The Tower is torn apart as we run, until finally, a blow to the back sends me sprawling as the walls are slowly shredded like the world’s biggest cat is going at it with both claws.

When the young ones misbehave, escorts children to their grave…

We make it to the elevator, and as we wait for it to come, the girl starts to wonder why she was locked up here. Who is she, why did they lock her up, why did they watch her her whole life (she says that last one with particular horror, hmm…) and other such plot relevant questions, until-

*SMASH*

Songbird, Songbird, see him fly…

The Songbird, Monster of Legend and Protector of the Lamb, is tearing his way through the wall to get to the girl, smashing the Tower around us, until the elevator lets out a chipper “ping” and smashes him away. “Hah! Take THAT, stupid bird! Trying to smash me, that’s what you get! OOH YEAH!”, the elevator thinks to himself quietly.

We head through the hole and up a flight of stairs, as I comfort Elizabeth and tell her not to panic- wait, what? We’re not keeping her name a secret? Oh. What a let down. Just pretend I wrote “Elizabeth” instead of “the girl” all those times, okay? I’m too lazy to change it myself.

Me and Elizabeth make it to the top of the Tower, standing on the head of the monument, as the Songbird shakes us loose once again. “Oh god! Apparently climbing to the top of a building when fighting something that can fly was not my best idea!”

Drop the children from the sky…

As we plummet, I manage to grab Elizabeth’s hand and grab on to the passing Skyline. (WHEEEEEEEEE.) We speed through the sky as the Songbird tries desperately to catch us, the Tower crumbling in the background- wait, OOPS.

That was not my fault, NOT MY FAULT!

I apologize for nothing.

Speaking of which, the head of the monument smashes on to the passing bridge… destroying the Skyline. “Oh. Fuck.”

Never back-talk, never lie…

We fly of the Skyline, letting go of each other, and I see Elizabeth spinning away helplessly as I fall, but I have my own problems as I fall, fall, fall, fall, until…

Or he’ll drop you from the sky.

*SPLASH*

(This certainly is a red letter day for sound effects, huh.)

I feel myself sinking lower and lower in to the depths, and the Songbird tries to grab me, only to flee from the water pressure. Hah, take that, Songbird! You didn’t stop me, all you did was… drop me from Columbia, separate me from Elizabeth, and kill me.

Let’s call it a draw.

Best two out of three?

 

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9 Responses to “Shockingly Finite, Part Four: The Girl In Question”

  1. Tim Hurley October 21, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

    Hey, don’t give anyone else any ideas with the whole ‘scientists watching her dress’ deal. I need to keep the market clear so I can finish my Elizabethan masterpiece. Sure, you can call it porn if you’re a neanderthal, but it’s got a plot and superior dialog! It’s going to be a work of art, you monkey!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: In between us and our freedom from Columbia is a busted deus ex machina, so me and Elizabeth are searching the Hall of Heroes for a way to fix it. But, because the world hates us, the Hall of Heroes has been taken over by the ex-war hero Cornelius Slate and his men, who are looking for a heroic way to die. Which I am all too eager to give them! […]

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    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: After killing our way through scores of war heroes, led by the suicidal jackass Cornelius Slate, me and Elizabeth have finally found our way to our plot device Vigour… but Slate has taken it all. […]

  4. Shockingly Finite, Part Ten: Deus Ex Musical Number | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 30, 2013

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  5. Shockingly Finite, Part Eleven: Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 3, 2013

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  7. Shockingly Finite, Part Thirteen: Theatre Is Dead | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 27, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: A member of the rebel alliance stole my airship, and unfortunately, she refuses to respect the universal law of ‘Finders, Keepers’. She’ll give it back, but only if Elizabeth and I head down to Finkton and hire a racial stereotype! […]

  8. Shockingly Finite, Part Fourteen: A Piece Of The World Is Missing | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 31, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: Our gunsmith, the key to getting the airship back from Daisy “The Revolution Will Not Be Simplified, And Neither Will The Plot” Fitzroy, has been ferreted away under the Good Time club. All we have to do is go downstairs, and everything will be fantastic! […]

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