The Tangled Magnetic Strips Of Ultimate Evil: V/H/S 2 Review

19 Oct

You know what we really haven’t had enough of around here? Found footage horror films! So here’s a found footage anthology film with found footage anthology clips stuck together with found footage which I managed to find footage off! That’s right, we’re reviewing V/H/S 2! 

And yes, the poster is found footage too. Why are you even surprised?

When we looked at the first V/H/Swe saw a movie with some good ideas (with a possible exception of that weird lesbian mistress story; seriously, what the hell was that?) and good special effects, but a lack of general polish and likeable characters kept me from embracing it wholeheartedly.

(Holy hell, I think that was the most serious “reviewery” thing I’ve ever said, what the fuck is wrong with me.)

Anyway, let’s get going and find out how many “nobody uses V/H/S any more” jokes I can come up with!

Ahem!

The film opens with… a man in a business suit taking his prostitute in to a hotel room and screwing her silly.

Classy.

Our camera man is recording this through the motel window, which is interrupted when the cleaning lady understandably says “what the fuck”. The man, still naked, chases after our camera man who manages to escape to his car. Probably best, naked men are second only to little girls to power in a horror film.

Now THAT’S a fight I want to see!

We cut to the camera man and his partner, now revealed to be private investigators, blackmailing the naked man over the phone. Seems if he doesn’t pay them, they’ll send the footage to his wife. Again, classy.

They head to their next case; A mother hasn’t heard from her college student son in a while, so she’s hired them to break in to his house and find him. She’s also hired them to video tape it all, because she’s read the script.

Our bargain bin Mulder and Scully break in, and find a collection of staticy TVs, with a single Mac. They also find some grape juice on the wall that I think is supposed to be blood, so let’s split the difference and say it’s the most terrifying grape jelly ever.

The partner gets put in charge of watching the footage on the Mac (which include the first V/H/S; eek, the horror) while the Investigator searches the house, finding mostly V/H/S equipment, and presumably a massive collection of crunchy socks and rotting ramen noodles.

On the Mac, the partner manages to find a video of the college student talking about collecting the V/H/S tapes, and how theses tapes are “different”. Sooo… are you going to explain how they’re different? No? Okay, fuck you too.

The investigator starts to read through the notebooks, putting his camera down in just the right angle to let us see the creepy guy in the background. Oooh, ominous. And back with the partner, she’s just put in the first V/H/S tape as you see the creepy man stand in the doorway and…. NOPE CUT THE FIRST STORY HAH HAH GUESS YOU’LL HAVE TILL AFTER SUCKERS.

Our first story, “Phase 1 Clinical Trials”, opens with a man waking up after an operation to restore his sight in one eye. How do they do this? By installing a camera, of course! This IS V/H/S 2after all!

Ah, the elated look of a man who just had a completely free and experimental surgery never performed on anyone to let him see again. Maybe next time he goes under the knife, you can throw in some acting skills?

It’s a brand new procedure, which is why A) he’s getting this for free, and B) they’re recording everything he sees. Now, this does explain why there’s a recording of this. However, it doesn’t explain why this was on a fucking V/H/S so I will reserve the right to be as fucking pissed off about this as I please, thank you very much!

Our cyborg complains about the scientists getting to watch his “private times”, and takes the time to check out a woman as he leaves the hospital. OUR PROTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

He gets a ride to his luxurious hilltop mansion with a below-ground pool, well maintained shrubbery, beautiful hardwood floor, which he can now see clearly, now that he has his free experimental ground-breaking robot eye. (Fucking 1%.)

Billionaire-Bot decides to break in his new eye with a rousing game of “Generic Sci-Fi Space Shooter”… on his original Xbox. Wait, you can afford the mansion, but next generation gaming is just too frivolous? I assume he also eats military rations instead of gourmet meals and wipes his ass with fly paper.

He pauses the game, makes a glass of tea and comes back, but when he does… the controller is on a different place from where he left it! 

Oh no?

You… you DO realize these things are hooked up to cords, right? You should not be having a problem finding this.

Before he can enjoy his mug of tea, something goes “bump” back in the kitchen, and he goes over to find the pot on the floor. He heads to the bedroom, presumably because he now has a lifelong grudge against tea, and grabs some pajamas from his walk-in closet- oh my god, are you fucking serious?!

I assume this guy also bathes in the blood of those who got in his way, and eats only the finest in gold!

Billionaire-Bot looks over to his bed, to see… the shape of someone under the covers. Quick, jump on them! Ghosts HATE IT when you do that!

He finally gets the urge to pull the sheets off, to reveal… nothing. Annnnnd fake out scare in three, two, one- ARGH A DEAD MAN IN A SUIT STANDING BESIDE YOU AHHHHHH LET’S PRETEND I TOTALLY DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING.

Our hero naturally runs in to the bathroom and locks it, and because ghosts are too polite to open doors, and he calls his doctor to arrange a “I see dead people” operation to fix this little thing up. And yes, he calls using an iPhone, hence cinching the fact that this is all modern, meaning that having V/H/S tapes and original Xboxs around is still moronic, HAH!

Point: ERIK!

He exits the bathroom, because by now the ghost has decided to piss in the pool instead, and walks straight in to a creepy little girl ghost. AHHHHH OH NO IT’S THE SHOT IN ALL OF THE TRAILERS!

AHHHH LITTLE GIRLS ARE A SIGN OF THE DEVIL.

So he escapes to the bathroom once again, this time with the ghost knocking politely to be let in. He just as politely says no, and she leaves. What a polite little ghost! Her dead parents must be so proud!

Billionaire-Bot spends the night in the tub, and when he wakes up the next morning, he proudly… falls asleep again. OUR PROTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

When he wakes up at sunset, the girl from the hospital is here, demanding to be let in. He says no, but after she mentions the ghosts, he finally does. In the space of 5 seconds, she says her name is Clarissa and demands beer and drugs. OUR LOVE INTEREST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

After she gets her beer, Clarissa explains it all. (Easiest fucking reference. I almost feel guilty for making it.) She used to be deaf, but after a cochlear transplant, she can hear again… with the side effect of being able to hear dead people. That’s… yeah, that’s really not as impressive.

She followed Billionaire-Bot home to warn him that the more he sees them, the more they’ll be able to effect him. He suggests just taking it out tomorrow, but Clarissa says that wouldn’t work because fuck you, the script says so.

As they settle down with their beers, he notices a fat man in his underwear standing outside. (A ghost, or my neighbours? You decide.) He points it out to her, and she admits she can hear him. Fortunately, she has a tactic to get rid of him: fucking!

Wait, what?

“I’m being followed by my dead uncle, so I’m not wearing any panties, just in case.”

Sex happens, while the fat guy just watches, and when he wakes up (her on the couch with a shirt on, him on the floor; what happened?), he walks over to the bathroom mirror… and demands that the scientists copy the footage of presumably the first time he’s touched real breasts and put it on a disc for him.

Okay, fine, I like this part.

When he turns back to his bedroom, he sees the girl in his bed again, and tears the sheets off her… to reveal the little girl! OH GOD IT’S SO SCARY HOW SHE DOES NOTHING.

Billionaire-Bot runs over, to find the ghosts drowning Clarissa in the pool. Wait… so she spends her whole life seeing ghosts and is perfectly fine, but this guy sees ghosts for one day and they’ve managed to kill someone?

Clarissa, you’ve never actually seen a ghost, have you?

I bet you just overheard the phone call at the hospital, remembered how hot that guy was, stole his contact information, burst in and got him all liquored up, just so you could fuck him! Hell, everything she says about ghosts could either be guessed, or she just heard him mention it first! You were just trying to get some free tail!

Wow, good plan, Clarissa!

He dashes through the now ghost filled house until he reaches the bathroom AGAIN, and decides the only sane plan is to cut his eye out! Because of course he has a straight razor instead of something rational, why wouldn’t he.

“Oh god, wrong eye, wrong eye!”

But this means he can’t see the ghosts any more, which means he’s completely unaware when they grab him and… force feed him his own robo-eye. And yes, we see everything.

Well, wasn’t THAT fun!

Now that that’s over with, back with the investigators, we see the duo watching the next part of the college student’s vlog. Basically, he’s talking about how the found footage videos only effect you if you watch them in the right order.

Oh. Holy hell, I am completely and utterly fucked, huh.

The next segment opens, with a cyclist in the park, with a camera on his helmet, talking to his girlfriend about how he skipped out on sex to go for a ride. And yes, all the “bike riding equals sex” jokes are made. With the exception of “putting WD40 in the breaks”, and “it’s just like riding a bisexual”.

With dubstep blasting over the soundtrack he heads off, only to find a woman with bite taken out of her, vomiting. Coughcoughobviouszombiecough.

He sees some zombies staggering towards him through the trees. I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be scary but… it’s not. It feels like something I would have to film if I didn’t have a real budget!

(Which I don’t.)

People always tell me to film things, but when I have to rob a bank to pay for it, suddenly I’m the bad guy!

The cyclist tries to get the woman to run away, and she responds to his idea by… trying to bite his face off. Which you might think is a little unfair, but seeing as he responds to that by crushing her skull, I think it all evens out.

So, slowly transforming in to a zombie as he flees the hoard of… gee, 3 other zombies, he screams for help a couple times before collapsing. Huh. Too bad he doesn’t have a phone with him, right?

*cricket, cricket*

Finally dead, two other cyclists manage to find him. They call the cops, in a rare display of competency, when we see his hand starting to twitch. And, to offset their competency, one of the cyclists leans in close to check for a pulse. So, naturally, our local Stubbs the Zombie manages to take him out.

(What? Am I the only one who remembers Stubbs? That game was great!)

The female cyclist in a shirt way too tight manages to escape with nothing more than a bite, which means she’ll be perfectly fine, right? So, our Stubbs has nothing else to do but… try to eat his own arm.

Okay, yeah, that’s funny. Apparently zombie flesh tastes funny, so he spits it out, and turns to the dying cyclist. Naturally, he tries eating his… wallet.

You’re bad at this.

Finally, he notices his chest, and starts chomping down in some of the best special effects I’ve seen in a long time! I swear, this would kill the boner of even the most dedicated hemophile!

The girl cyclist, now a zombie, comes back and joins in, thus leading to the most awkward threesome ever… or at least, it does when the guy wakes up.

Dude, what the hell?! I was dead for five fucking seconds! I wasn’t even cold!”

So, our Three Zombiteers head off, when we cut to… a child’s birthday party at the park.

Oh, lord.

The zombies burst in and hastily devour anything that they can, when a man with a baseball bat takes a swing at Stubbs. HOME RUN!  

He stumbles in to a barbecue grill, leaving a burn mark on his hand, which he barely has time to react to before the next swing. Man, I’m just impressed by this helmet cam at this point! Talk about resilient!

The baseball bat guy is taken out from behind, when Stubbs sees the cook leading children in to a mini-van. Stubbs is probably saying to himself, “hey, little girls, I can probably take those out, no problem”, when the cook stabs a barbecue fork in his eye.

Ooh, nasty.

While he tries to break in, he sees reflection in the window and gets distracted… which gives one of the dads ample time to pull out a shotgun and shoot him.

Wait, why did you bring a fully loaded shotgun to a child’s birthday party?

Moving on, after all the other competent zombies take out the guy with the shotgun, he sees a woman crying over a corpse and thinks “okay, THAT I can kill”. But he gets distracted by a teddy bear on the road, which leads to the truck apparently coming alive and running him over.

You are officially the WORST zombie.

He finally realizes he has a barbecue fork in his face and pulls it out, but it turns out he accidentally butt-dialed his girlfriend when he got hit by the truck. She tells him she loves him, and he responds the way all boyfriends do: crawling over to the nearest shotgun and shooting himself in the face!

(J- just kidding, honey!)

Now that the segment’s over, we cut back to the investigators! The partner got knocked out from that last video, and it comes along with a nosebleed and a wicked headache. She sends the investigator to the drug store as she puts in the next video, and as it loads we see the creepy man from earlier on all fours, sneaking up behind her annnnd- BOOM NEXT STORY.

Oh, you fucking tease!

Turns out, he’s sneaking up to tickle her! Hee hee hee!

The next clip opens with a team of documentary film makers, interviewing an Indonesian man about his cult. (In a coffee shop, because that makes things more religious. Apparently.) See, he believes that Heaven is a place on Earth, so he and his family and trying to find it. They also had to buy a massive compound to do so, because there’s nothing creepy about this cult! Nothing at all!

So, the leader agrees to let the documentary crew film the place! They grab their cameras, including chest mounted spy cameras, and head in. The two who greet them, a little girl and ‘Madam’, talk about how ‘great’ the leader, known as Father, is. They also give the woman of the team a neck symbol, and mention how Father made sure that the little girl “isn’t a little girl any more, Father took care of that”.

So, either he’s an excellent surgeon with a penchant for gender re-assignment, or EW.

The team is in, and they start by immediately getting rid of the neck thingy. Man, I like the way they think! We see more of the compound, such as girls playing jump rope, girls getting their hair brushed, girls singing, girls in class, and OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CREEPY LITTLE GIRL SINGULARITY.

They finally get going with the interview in Father’s office, but things are stalled as the woman on the team starts getting nauseous. She heads off to find the bathroom, with one of the camera men in hot pursuit, leaving the blue shirted leader and the Redshirt to conduct the interview.

(And no, he’s not called that because he has a red shirt.)

Hint hint.

The woman, named Nana, is distracted by the children drawing pictures. Madam interrupts her, telling her that “the one you will bare will be even more beautiful”. You… you don’t mean the pictures, do you.

At the interview, Father and Blueshirt are arguing about the fact that he keeps fucking little girls and wow, that is not a sentence I ever thought I’d need to say. Just as Father builds up a good head of “end of the world as we know it” steam, the interview is interrupted to go fetch a back-up battery for one of the cameras. Wait, they didn’t even bother to charge these before the interview? Wow. You can just tell how much they value this interview.

At the car, Blueshirt sees the live feed from one of the spy cameras, as Nana and the third guy, Adam, argue about how she’s pregnant… and Adam’s the father! (Oh my god, did you seriously just say that? Did you seriously get paid to say that?)

That’s awkward and all, because Blueshirt and Nana are engaged, but before we have time to care about that, Father starts talking about how, if they’re all very good evil children, they’ll get to ascend to Heaven! But first, make sure to drink all of your Jonestown issue Kool-Aid!

As he does this, Redshirt interrupts and gets threatened with a box cutter. FORESHADOWING FOR SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS IN FIVE SECONDS YAY. And while that’s going on, Adam manages to find a gore soaked woman with a sheet over her head and a vagina like the Chestburster had serious problems aiming.

Father has finally finished his speech, and when he pulls his shirt off (Obama ends all of his speeches the same way), he leaps over the table to take out Redshirt with the box cutter.

And nothing of value was lost.

OH GOD TINY INDONESIAN MAN RUN.

Still soaked in gore, Father starts humming and dancing around the room. I wonder, does he take requests? Can he do “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”?

A quartet of women in black nurses outfits march down the hallway as Nana watches the dying children in horror, and they scoop her up. Don’t… don’t try to run or anything, lady.

Blueshirt has charged back in to the building to try and save the day, and he gets there just in time to see the shot in every trailer! Oh, you know it… five, four, three, two, one, mass suicide!

“Guys, why don’t we just shoot each other?”

A man with a shotgun runs in and tries to take down Blueshirt, but after a quick struggle, Blueshirt kills him and gets the gun… which is when everyone else runs in and takes the gun from him. Nice try?

Adam runs in, just in time to be completely useless as they shoot Blueshirt in the back of the head, and then themselves, after telling Adam “it’s been an honour to meet you”. What d’ya mean, he’s the dullest character in this piece!

We cut to a gaggle of maniacal nurses as they drag Nana in to a delivery room, with Adam grabbing a pipe and hurrying right behind. But as he gets to the door, a massive explosion tosses him off his feet and lets some bizarre, Silent Hillish abomination crawl away over the ceiling.

Yeah, I don’t get it either.

The naked Father walks over to Adam, tells him there’s no need for him to bring his silly pipe… and then he explodes.

Alrighty then.

“Hi. Got a minute?”

Inside the delivery room, the creepy nurses are holding Nana down as Madam tries to stop Adam… which lasts until he kills her with a single pipe blow.

And nothing of value was lost.

Adam literally tears the nurses limb from limb to get Nana free, but she still doesn’t want to get up. Adam is adamant (hee hee hee)… until a massive horn bursts out of her womb, which is when he says ‘fuck it’. And then a massive head comes out of the wound… then shoulders… then arms… yeah, just keep running.

Adam flees, as the zombified Redshirt tries to eat him, followed by the classroom of zombified children. And then… there’s Goathead following RIGHT behind… then there’s something tossing dismembered limbs… then there’s the man and woman coated in blood and fucking- wait, I thought that was a teenage girl in that room.

Moving on.

Once at the room where everyone shot themselves, they’re now all fully zombified and trying desperately to be a better zombie then that last story. (They’re not.) He even manages to take out Blueshirt zombie with nothing more than a hard shove and jesus, doesn’t that just say it all.

Once at the car, Adam manages to smash the window of the car using the camera, which is officially the smartest thing he’s done all day! As he drives, Goathead manages to head-butt the car off the road, causing him to flip over… which he still survived. What the fuck is this guy, a Terminator?

He crawls his way to the smashed out window, and as he lays there, Goathead lands on top of the car. In a great big, booming voice, he says:

“PAPA.”

And Adam just starts laughing, because after the kind of day he’s just had, wouldn’t you?

“LOOK, DUDE, I’M A MASSIVE SATANIC RAPE DEMON, AND EVEN YOU’RE STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT.”

Back with the investigators, he’s back from the drug store, only to find the partner, dead.

And nothing of value was lost.

The investigator engages in some name brand melodrama over his partner’s corpse, when he sees a V/H/S with ‘Watch Me’ written on it in lipstick. So, naturally, he puts it in, instead of calling the cops or something RATIONAL, of course!

Wait, so we’re going to be watching the video that’s so bad, it actually managed to kill?

Oh, joy.

We open this final segment (yes, only 4 this time around, instead of five) with a camera strapped to a dog, to film two adolescent boys in cardboard robot suits and jesus fucking christ, what have I just gotten in to.

The parents are leaving the kids for a weekend, as the adolescent boys are having a slumber party, as well as his sister and her boyfriend and circle of friends. The boys are unlikeable, the sister is unlikeable, the boyfriend is unlikeably, the teenagers are unlikeable, hell, the fucking dog is unlikeable. LET THE PARTY BEGIN!

The adolescent boys, using the deadly weapons of water guns, piss filled water balloons and inane profanity, sneak up on the sister and her friends as they hang out by the lake. Okay, unless the monster this time around is a giant squid, why is this scene here?

They start firing on the teenagers, who respond by screaming in terror and throwing beer at the boys. I’m sorry, are you the fucking aliens from Signs?

"Eeek, water! It's not as if we're hanging out by a lake or anything!"

“Eeek, water! It’s not as if we’re hanging out by a lake or anything!”

To hide from the falling beer, the kid with the camera dashes under water… only to see an alien swim towards him.

So, what, he’s the opposite of the aliens in Signs? M. Night Shymyalananananana, your ears must be burning!

The alien completely ignores him, and we cut to one of the boys locked in a cage and getting sprayed with white stuff.

I guess this just got… DANGEROUSLY EROTIC.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

I think I just got tagged by the FBI for that.

We cut to the boys filming the sister and her boyfriend having sex. (I think I used that joke too early.) They’re hiding in the bathroom with a series of props and flashing light and a boombox, so they immediately burst in and create an impromptu rave. Wait, so you’re saying that DOESN’T happen when most people have sex? Huh.

Midway through their rave, the house suddenly starts shaking and a horrible noise, like the “bwaaaaa” noise from Inception is having sex with a Dalek. They ignore it, because a Lovecraftian horror apparently fucking a grain thresher is something that you just get used to after a while.

The boys run away, where they see a giant light show in the distance, but before they can react, the boyfriend steals the camera away. (After threatening to eat the boys’ cocks and taste their blood, how pleasant.)

After all the boys have fallen asleep, one of them is awake and wankin’ it to some good old fashioned porn. The sister and the boyfriend are looking for some revenge, so they strap the camera to the dog and send him hunting for porn. And… yeah, we get to see a pre-teen boy whackin’ it.

Sometimes, I hate my job.

The boyfriend and sister jump out and start laughing at the boy’s misfortune, everyone else wakes up, hilarity ensues, which is thankfully stopped when the sounds of a Speak-&-Spell protest rally rocket through the house once again.

After seeing the silhouettes of the aliens through the windows, the household breaks in to defence mode, with everyone locking the doors and the boyfriend grabbing a gun… and then an alien grabs him. Whoops. And then the aliens grab everyone else.

Also whoops.

“GLOMP.”

The boy (I don’t know which one, they’re all interchangeable) gets wrapped up in a sleeping bag, along with the dog. They finally get dropped in to the lake, and it starts filling with water. They get rescued by the others, even though one of them is kinda drowned, and despite the addition of another sound like a lawn mower just divided by zero, they’re dragged up to the dock.

“Get this man to a doc!”

“He’s already at one!”

We get a truly awesome shot of the sister attempting CPR with an alien crawling up the docks towards them. They manage to finally get the kid up and running again, as more aliens crawl over the dock and we hear the noise like a beached whale got stuck in a jet turbine.

They flee in to the woods, double checking to see if the drowned kid was still… you know, drowned, and they try to hide. Unfortunately, the dog chooses this exact moment to bark. Okay, that’s it, fucker, you’re officially Chinese food.

Suddenly, we hear the cops pull up, and the kids run out triumphantly… only for the cops to disappear and become the alien ship, with a sound like Skrillix spontaneously combusting.

The aliens rush out from the mist and grab another one of the kids, and take the time to drop kick the dog over the hill. Oh my god, YES. Take THAT, you suicidally yappy motherfucker!

The kid and the sister grab the dog, and barely have time to catch their breath when the lights flash again, the aliens appear again, and we again hear a sound like the moon trying to get to second base with Megatron.

“THE SAFE WORD IS ‘LUNA’, BABY.”

Cue more running, which is, like, 90% percent of this fucking section, which leads them to a barn. They bar the door they came in, but the other door bursts open with a sound like a fingernail running down a chalkboard the size of Arkansas, and the sister gets taken.

And nothing of value was lost.

This leaves us with only the boy and his dog, in the loft of the barn, as the aliens start literally crawling out of the wood work. The tractor beam suddenly tears the roof of the barn with a sound like… like a really not nice sound, I guess, and it drags the boy and the dog in to the ship above. Well. It drags the BOY, anyway, the dog gets dropped just before they make it inside annnnnd… you can guess what happens next.

(HINT: It involves the song “And We All Fall Down”.)

Now that we’re left with the image of the dog twitching slowly to death, we cut back to the investigator, grimacing at how fucking terrible that last segment was.

He flips back to the college student’s vlog, saying that he has his mother’s full support behind him (wait… she was the one to send them here… hmm…) and that “it’s finally time to make a video of my own”. He pulls out a gun, and shoots himself in the head.

And them… he gets back up.

Hrm.

The zombie college student heads off in to the house, just as we see the investigators break in. Which means that the investigator FINALLY knows that there’s someone else in the house! Geez, welcome to the fuckin’ party, dude!

Suddenly, the partner gets up.

“Um. Hi. How was dying? Pretty cool?”

She immediately attacks him, until he snaps her neck with her bare hands. Which… doesn’t even slow her down. She starts doing the Exorcist crab walk, until the investigator hides in a closet and, waits for her to come by, and shoots her in the face.

Dude. This guy is HARDCORE.

He looks around the closet he’s stuck in, until… he sees the college student.

OH SHI-

Well. He’s dead, Jim.

The college student take the camera, looks in to it… and shoots a thumbs up. So… what are the tapes? Are they eldritch horrors, capable of bending space and time to make the most horrible things happen in front of them for their own amusement? Are they just coincidences, that this world is naturally this horrible and the tapes are just what happens when you put a camera in front of them? Or can the people in this universe actually see them as living narrative devices? We may never know, unless they make a third one in which case they had better fucking tell us!

And CUE ROCKING INDIE SONG.

(And yes, this credit sequence also has boobs. You have been warned, tit hater!)

So, that was V/H/S 2! How was it? Well, the first segment was decent, but was too nonsensical with not enough scares to make it great. Segment two, electric boogaloo, was a great character piece with fantastic effects, but had little to no scares. Segment three was by far the best, but the main characters were nothing more than two dimensional ciphers to spray gore on, and segment four was… just fuck segment four.

Final judgement… yeah, it was great! Better camera work, better characters, better special effects, better boobs (hey, it showed up enough, I felt it should get a mention), better everything! And all of these can be disregarded in regards to segment four. Oh my god, fuck it so hard.

I give this movie the A Very Strange Seal Of Approval, because goddammit we already made this thing and I really haven’t had an actual movie I approve on!

Seal Of Approval!

(With the natural exception of segment four. My seething hatred of segment four cannot be under emphasized.)

 

5 Responses to “The Tangled Magnetic Strips Of Ultimate Evil: V/H/S 2 Review”

  1. Tim Hurley October 21, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    Well, even though reading this would have to better than watching VHS 2… sorry, V/H/S 2, I suppose I’ll have to break down and find a copy of it. If it’s decent this time around (the first was pretty terrible, save for the effects in the last ‘haunted house’ segment), it won’t be a total loss of an hour and a half of precious life.

    • Tim Hurley October 21, 2013 at 11:10 pm #

      Oh, and I forgot. Bonus points for referencing the original Xbox controller (like holding a plastic baby) and Stubbs the Zombie in the same article. There should be some kind of internet award for that.

      • averystrangeplace October 21, 2013 at 11:22 pm #

        Ah, the original Xbox controller. An elegant weapon, from a more civilized age.

    • averystrangeplace October 21, 2013 at 11:29 pm #

      If special effects were all that pulled you through the first one (a combination of obligation and cruel mockery got me through it), you just HAVE to watch the segment with the cult!
      Just… just make sure to put plastic covering over all the upholstery first.

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