The Alphabet Blocks Of The Damned

26 Oct

You know, I see a lot of movies die halfway through, but it’s rare for the entire thing to die before you’re done saying the title. And on that note, The ABCs Of Death!

One of these is the utter personification of death itself… and the other one’s holding the book.

The idea was simple: An anthology horror film, with one segment off of each letter of the alphabet. Annnd therein lies our problem! With a running time of 123 minutes and 26 letters, that means we can only devote 4.73 minutes to each segment! You couldn’t cook an egg in that time, never mind tell a compelling story! And if we assume V/H/S 2 was correct in it’s assumption that it takes at least 15 minutes to create a comprehensive short, then we’d need 390 minutes of film, or, in simpler terms, a six and a half hour runtime! 

And yes, I took the time to calculate that! Shut up! Let’s get this over with! 

Ahem!

The film opens with a screen explaining the premise, including the fact that each piece has a different director, a word starting with their letter, and full artistic freedom. Great, so it’s not a film, it’s 26 art students whacking off for two hours.

We then cut to a random shots of what I’m pretty sure is supposed to be blood (but looks like chocolate sauce) oozing through a house, including through alphabet blocks, until they spell out the title. I’m assuming they had to flood a house with blood half a dozen times before they did that.

We cut to a man in a bed, eating some bread. Then, his wife enters the room with a knife. “You’re hogging the sheets again, you bastard!” She starts stabbing at him, and manages to slice his hand in half and get him in the neck before she leaves. “You know, most people just say hello, sweetie!”

She leaves, and comes back with a frying pan full of oil to throw at his face. The oil, I mean, she doesn’t just throw the frying pan at him! No no no, she whacks him with that!

What is this, “A is for Attack Of The Housewives”?

It finally seems like he’s dead, so the woman tearfully admits that she’s been poisoning him for a year now, but because of what she’s seen on the news, she’s had to resort to this. FOX NEWS: THE HORRIBLE TRUTH.

She cuddles up beside him as the window suddenly turns bright red, and we cut to the title card, ‘A Is For Apocalypse’. So… what, the world’s over now? Why was she trying to kill him? Why was the world ending? Why was it so red? Why was he so hard to kill? Why wa- OOPS NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS ON TO THE NEXT SHORT.

(I hope you can see the problem here.)

We cut to the next segment, with two people making out on the couch. A little girl walks in and complains that she can’t sleep. Ooh, cockblocked by the nine year old!

They discuss how taking care of the girl was apparently a condition of his parents… or her parents… look, they’re speaking in Spanish, we’re lucky I’m picking up any of this.

To calm the girl down and get her to sleep, they talk about the Snowman of Mexico, and how he’ll tear out her heart if she’s not in bed at night. And how he has a wagon and rings a bell and screams. (They’re not very good storytellers when they’re horny.)

So while they sneak off to fuck, the girl starts tossing and turning, and we see a creepy garbage collector stop by. One jump cut later, and they’re missing their hearts… only for him to suddenly leave, ’cause the girl is counting sheep. And we get our title, ‘B is for Bigfoot’.

First of all, that wasn’t Bigfoot. Second of all, that wasn’t fucking Bigfoot. And third of all… what the fuck was that?!

“We’re dead! Or maybe not! Man, that 4.73 runtime is a bitch, huh?”

No time for questions! Onward to segment three! A guy, Bruce, is watering some plants when he sees some blood on the ground. Annnnd that’s enough of that scene! We cut to Bruce being woken up by his girlfriend to check out a sound. He finds nothing… and that’s enough of that scene!

We cut to the next morning, with his girlfriend waking him up to check something out. He can’t find her, and instead finds the hose leading in to a hole in the bush. And… cut to him waking up outside! What the hell? Is the editor drunk, or is the writer silently rebelling against having to write this crap?

Bruce walks in to the house, only to find himself sleeping, along with the girlfriend. He freaks out and hides behind the couch, only to hear this past iteration of Bruce also go out to try and find the mysterious voice, and also failing. Oh, so it’s a mystical time travelling bush? Not to be confused with the hedge of destiny, of course.

The next morning, the girlfriend walks in to the bush, and while Our Bruce is investigating, Past Bruce sneaks up behind him, kills him with a garden hose and shoves him in to the bush. Which is when we go back to the beginning, with Our Bruce now becoming that bloodstain at the beginning! And we cut to “C Is for Cycle”.

You know, they keep boasting about how this movie has 26 different horror directors. Well, maybe that would have worked better if they hired some actual FUCKING WRITERS!

I see the directing credit, but the writing credit is mysteriously absent…

On to the D! We see a man getting ready for a fight in a dark fighting ring. I swear, if this turns out to be “D is for Don’t Talk About Fight Club”, I’m shutting this damn thing off.

It turns out the man’s opponent is a dog, and the two of them fight in slow motion for a while. And a while. And a while. And a while. And a while. And a while. And a while. And a while. And a while. And a while. And THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ABCS OF DEATH, NOT THE ABCS OF MICHAEL VICK.

Eventually, the dog take him down and gets his teeth in to his throat, a fact that everyone involved is apparently perfectly okay with! The man takes says a single muted word, and the dog stands down. Turns out he was the dog’s owner, and when the dog was stolen to fight in this ring, he decided to infiltrate it. And we cut to later, when the duo have apparently murdered everybody in the ring.

This is a… happy ending?

After our expected “D is for Dogfight”, we cut to a CGI red spider walking up a wall. A man walks over to his computer and starts reading something that is most decidedly not “A Very Strange Place”, when he notices the spider. And so, he squashes it. Wow, this segment is even shorter than the others!

No? It’s still going? DAMMIT.

END! WHY WON'T YOU JUST FUCKING END!

END! WHY WON’T YOU JUST FUCKING END!

The spider somehow manages to escape that and chomps on his delicious, delicious neck, and we cut to a couple days later. In the morning, he’s rubbing his bite mark on his neck, and at night, the spider crawls across his face and bites him some more. Wow, this spider is a dick.

Over the course of the week, we see our “hero” talking to his family, watching internet videos, masturbating (great, now I’ll never maintain an erection again, thanks for that), all while more and more spider bites appear. Finally, he sees the spider again… and finally squishes it!

WHY WAS THAT SO HARD?!

He suddenly starts twitching, and just before “E is for Exterminate” appears, a hoard of baby CGI spiders crawl out of his ears. Oh god, I’ve seen better spider effects from Eight Legged Freaks!

Next, we cut to Japan, with a Japanese schoolgirl explaining her views on gods… and then she farts.

[Editor’s Note: Erik? Are you okay?]

Yeah, I just… I just need a minute.

Okay, lets go.

She talks in her narration about how wonderful her school teacher, Miss Yumi is, and how she makes her feel yearning in her breast, and wondering if Miss Yumi can also fart- OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Suddenly, a toxic gas erupts through the city (“I wonder if it’s a black gas from the ass of god.”) and the schoolgirl and Miss Yumi hide, as the schoolgirl admits how she wants to taste Miss Yumi’s gas.

And… she says yes.

It looks like this just got DANGEROUSLY EROTIC.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

Oh god, I can’t believe this is happening.

So, as the city around them succumbs to the toxic black gas, Miss Yumi farts in the schoolgirl’s face with a cloud of sparkly cheeto covered farts as they both get off and choir music plays in the background until Miss Yumi sucks her in to her butt.

WHAT.

WHAT.

WHAT.

Inside Miss Yumi’s golden shiny butt and now naked, they talk about going past the boundaries of good taste (YOU PASSED THAT TEN FUCKING MINUTES AGO) and start making out. Then they start farting bloody farts, we get the title card, ‘F is for Fart’ and fuck you, we’re fucking leaving, and if anyone brings up this fucking thing ever again, I’m burning the fucking site down and collecting the fucking insurance.

Don’t tempt me, matches are cheap.

We open to a POV shot of somebody grabbing their surfboard and heading down to the beach. He leaps in to the water and starts paddling. Soon, after much splashing, he ends up in the water. Great, we went from nightmarish to dull as fuck.

After the entire runtime just floating underwater, we cut to the title card: “G is for Gravity”.

That is fucking cheating, and you know it.

Our H opens with a CGI shot of a nightclub, when we cut to a dishevelled bulldog in an aviator uniform, watching a fox woman in a navy outfit dance onstage. Shouldn’t we have saved this for F? You know, “F is for Fucking Furries”?

It’s clear from his baring of teeth that he’s in to her, as well as his cartoonish stretching of eyeballs to examine her ass as she’s moaning and rubbing her tits, and said eyeball stretching carries him across the room on to the stage just as she pulls her top off and reveals her tits and if it seems like I’m trying to get this out of the way as fast as possible, it’s only because I am. There’s only so many times I can scream “what the fuck”!

Although, speaking of which… WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK.

Now with her ‘foxy tits’ out, the bulldog is fully distracted… which is when it turns out she’s a Nazi anthropomorphic fox! Of course, a classic maneuver! She grows claws, and a tiny tank rolls out from backstage with stops beneath the dog’s legs, which is when it punches the bulldog in the crotch so hard his balls fly out of his mouth so the fox can grab them and wrap them around a nearby periscope and it’s here that I have to remind you that I am making absolutely none of this up.

She pulls out a giant lever with a control board attached, and pulls it, causing the periscope to electrify. and a trap door full of electrified water and spikes to open, and a collection of tanks with bear traps to snap at him, but looking at his locket with a picture of his daddy dog fills him with the passion needed to stick his feet in the trap tanks, roll over to the stripper fox, punch her in to the water, hit the switch to cause the periscope to drop in to her vagina and kill her by electrifying the water and explode her and OH GOD WHERE IS THE ABSINTHE! LET ME DRINK THE PAIN AWAY!

Finally, we get our title card, “H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion”. Now, one might reasonably say, “but hydro-electric diffusion has nothing to do with World War 2 era furry snuff porn”, but I’m sure if you pointed that out to the director, he’d just say, “hey, you should just leave me and my incredibly specific fetish alone!”.

If you’re still here after all that, then we cut to a man sitting on the toilet with a needle and a red bottle. Dude, it’s a lot simpler if you get an iPhone while you poop.

He walks over to the bathtub and pulls aside the curtain to reveal a tied up woman who starts narrating vague exposition, because that’s just how you roll when you’re kidnapped, homeboy.

He injects her with the needle and runs off, which results in her scratching open wounds in herself. Hey, look, it’s the first mildly disconcerting scene! Who wants to bet it won’t last!

“Grab on, quick! I’m the only interesting character!”

After vomiting through her gag, she manages to drop the shower curtain on her head. Oh, yeah, that accomplished a lot.

Finally, she’s dead, and with out “I is for Ingrown” title card out of the way, we cut to a Japanese man in a white headband straining at nothing, when we cut to a different Japanese man looking surprised. Why do I have the strange feeling this segment won’t be big on plot?

The first guy starts contorting his face is various ways, some special effects, some him just looking like a jackass, while the second guy sweats and looks scared. Eventually the first guy’s eyes fall out of his head and they start clacking together like desk balls.

[Editor’s Note: They’re called a Newton’s Cradle.]

THEY’RE CALLED WHAT EVER I WANT THEM TO BE CALLED.

SUCK MY DESK BALLS.

This has apparently scared off the second guy, who is about to run of when somebody offscreen tells him to hold still. It turns out that, not only is the offscreen guy no actually there there, but the first guy has been committing seppuku the whole time, and it’s the second one’s job to make his vorpal sword go snicker-snack.

Presumably all those faces where in his head, but we just have to guess on that part, because after the “J is for Jidai-Geki” title card, we’re moving on! No time to questions, just lie back and think of England.

Our new segment is animated (oh my!) and opens with a woman in a party dress… pooping.

I hate this so much.

Turns out her poop refuses to flush no matter what, and after using all the toilet paper and flooding it, she’s stuck with no way to get her apparently Flubber poop in the toilet. I’m sorry, was I confused, or IS THIS A FUCKING HORROR MOVIE?! 

I’ve reviewed a lot of horrible horror movies before, but this is like an experiment by the world’s worst directors to create the world’s LEAST WATCHABLE MOVIE EVER.

After several minutes of the world’s worst slapstick, she finally uses her bra to bunch up her poop and flush it again. Annnnd of course it doesn’t work. Why would it work? That would just be proof of a loving god.

It sneaks on to the ceiling, so while she’s on all fours and her dress hikes up, her poop takes the opportunity to fall back in to her butt and drill through her entire body, killing her instantly.

Still better than that fart one.

After our “K is for Klutz” title card, we cut to two burly sweaty men strapped to chairs while a collection of people in animal masks look on. I’m assuming this is the gritty “What Does The Fox Say” remake?

(Yes, this is to make up for not making that joke with the Nazi fox. I apologise for nothing.)

A naked woman walks in front of them as “stage one” appears on the screen. The men start shaking and groaning until one of them orgasms, which is apparently the cue for a spike to fire under his chair and skewer him. Okay, is it just me, or are these fucking things getting worse and worse?

They go through 12 rounds of this, with our guy surviving all of them, and a new guy thrown in every time one of them dies. A woman in a wheel chair is rolled up, and starts masturbating with her prosthetic leg. Annnnnd congratulations! You’re going to hell for writing this fucking thing!

And I’m going to hell for watching it!

The Chinese woman in the corner spreads her legs, so our hero finally starts whackin’ it, even when it’s revealed that she has an eye in her vagina. You know, in most circles that’s considered unhealthy!

She tries to get the machine to kill the other guy for… some reason, but after kicking it too much, it ends up skewering her AND him!

And nothing of value was lost.

Annnnd welcome to round 13! It’s a lovely day for a match, the sun is shining, and two grown men have been strapped down and forced to watch a man fuck a little boy! Fortunately, the partner this time around happens to be identical to that Indonesian cult leader from V/H/S 2, so he’s naturally willing to wank to that!

So, and I’m just spit ballin’ here, but am I allowed to slit my own wrists, or do I have to find a professional first?

Fortunately, our creepy friend finally finishes, which means WE DON’T HAVE TO WATCH THAT ANY MORE! Oh, there ARE such things as miracles! Our hero falls asleep, and gets to wake up having sex with one of the Asian women as a prize! Or, at least, it’s a prize until he realizes he’s the current target of two masturbating captives. And it gets slightly worse when she starts hacking at him with a chainsaw, killing him.

She’s still having fun, though! And really, isn’t that what really matters?

(No. No, it is not.)

Apparently that one was “L is for Libido”, and we cut to… a woman flushing the toilet.

 

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS MOVIE AND WHAT COMES OUT OF WOMEN’S ASSES?!

Her, in her horn-rimmed glasses and pointy high heels, verrrrrrry slowly struts to the kitchen, and then she veeerrrrrrrrrry sloooooowly wobbles to the garage, and finds the plunger. Oh, I swear, if you make me watch this woman perform plumbing, I will find some way to make you pay. Slowly. With a wrench.

Then, she finally gets back to the toilet, only it’s filled with blood. And we slowly zoom in to the red mess at the bottom…

And we get our title card…

“M is for Miscarriage”

Oh, YOU CAN JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF.

THERE’S A SPECIAL LEVEL OF HELL FOR WHOEVER WROTE THIS.

Alright, we’re exactly halfway through, and we’ve had miscarriages, rape, pedophilia, murder, mutilation, poor story telling, violation of causality, references to Fox News, animal abuse, orifice violation, fart play, furries, kidnapping, poop jokes, awful slapstick, and desk balls.

So, come back tomorrow! I’m going to make this review of The ABCs Of Death in to a two parter because I like you that much, and not because if I try to finish this in one sitting, I’m gonna gnaw through my own fucking tongue!

Oh, tomorrow is going to hurt.

5 Responses to “The Alphabet Blocks Of The Damned”

  1. Bob Bonsall October 31, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

    I would have given up after F. Truly you are a stronger man than I. Thank God you’re not doing the whole thing-

    Oh, wait. Oh, hell no.

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