Would I Rather Finish This Movie, Or Chew Through My Own Tongue? A “Would You Rather” Review, Part Two

11 Nov

I would like to take a moment to thank all of our veterans. Thank you, for the service you’ve done for our country in protecting our freedom.

Although, on the other hand, if you didn’t protect our freedom, then I’d lack the freedom to finish watching Would You Rather! So fuck you, veterans!

Oooh, I want a reflecting skull table!

Previously, on Would You Rather: Your mom!

Hah.

But seriously: A twisted billionaire by the name of Lambrick has assembled a collection of seven desperate individuals for the world’s weirdest game show. A game of ‘Would You Rather’, that shall continue until all are dead or the credits roll, either or.

(Oh, and before we begin, I feel I must point out that the torturous bitch, Amy, is played by Sasha Grey. Who’s she? Well, according to her IMDB page, she’s been in more pornos then can physically exist.)

Ahem!

We check in with Iris’s doctor, in the third leg of his Lambrick Manor Marathon, before cutting back to the ‘party’. Now it’s Orange Tie’s turn: Would you rather whip Pointy Nose three more times (this guy is gonna be dog food by the time this is over), or stab Old Lady Wheelchair in the leg with an ice pick?

After hemming and hawwing for a while, he shanks Old Lady Wheelchair… and manages to hit the artery they’ve been worrying about this whole damn time. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ORANGE TIE.

It’s a whole damn thigh! How do you mess that up!

After Orange Tie gives her a tourniquet, it’s Old Lady Wheelchair’s turn: Would you rather whoop Pointy Nose like a red headed step-child, or stab Sasha Grey, the woman who electrocuted you, in the-

*SNIKT*

… Duly noted.

Sasha smacks Old Lady Wheelchair in the nose, and now it’s her turn. But Lambrick is apparently a two year old on a sugar rush and he’s gotten bored, so he changes the questions: Would Sasha rather whip Pointy Nose, or stab anyone with the ice pick?

So Sasha, breathing in and out like she’s getting off on this, and with a massive smile on her face, chooses to stab Iris- “Hey, wait, can I stab her anywhere, or does it just have to be the thigh?”

“… Seriously, Sasha Grey, what the actual fuck.”

She’s gone from “pretending to have sex” to “pretending to be an asshole”. I DON’T THINK THAT’S AN IMPROVEMENT.

She stabs Iris in the ribs, and as Victor and the Crabman play doctor, we cut to Iris’s actual doctor, sneaking around the outside of the manor. He sneaks in to the basement, and the music makes him sound like some kind of secret agent instead of a dick with a conscience.

(Oooh, ‘Dick With A Conscience’ sounds like some kind of French art film about a talking dick! I’d watch it, I’d watch it twice.)

Back at the ‘party’, Pointy Nose has fallen unconscious, while Old Lady Wheelchair has finally died. Oh, thank god, her name was by far the worst.

It’s the Crabman’s turn, which means My Name Is Earl jokes are officially on the table! Anyway, would you rather stab Victor, kill Pointy Nose, or cameo on Raising Hope? 

Well, it turns out Sasha Grey has been getting to the Crabman, so he saunters over to the pointy nosed Iraq vet and beats him to death with the African whipping stick. HAPPY REMEMBRANCE DAY, EVERYBODY!

(Wow, that was not a sentence I was expecting to say today. In my defence, I’ve been hitting the absinthe really hard.)

Ew, you’re getting fairy in my drink!

With that round over, Lambrick has the holy-hell-how-is-he-still-alive Pointy Nose dragged out, and now with Lambrick’s people occupied, the guests spring in to action. Yeah, it appears taking a bunch of scared people and giving them whipping sticks and ice picks was not your best fucking idea, Lam-Bitch.

In the confusion, Iris manages to slip away before Lambrick shoots the Crabman and retakes control of the room. He sends the Butler and his son, Julian, after her. It’s actually kind of funny, Iris’s “need to be the hero” apparently translates to “kiss my ass, hostages”.

Iris manages to lead the duo on a merry chase through-out the house, till Julian manages to catch her in the basement. She screams as he tries to rape her, but a well placed ice pick puts a stop to that. Not to the balls, sadly.

The doctor finally shows up, ready to get involved in the plot and save the day forever… which is when the Butler shoots him in the head.

Well.

Fuck.

Wasn’t THAT an important sub-plot!

Now back at the ‘party’, as Lambrick heads off to check up on Julian, it’s clear that Iris’s brush with freedom has convinced her that freedom is impossible. Why, aren’t YOU a cheery one!

When Lambrick returns, he offers his sincerest apologies to Iris for what Julian tried to do, which is somewhat diminished by the fact that he’s still trying to torture her to death. It’s time for round three, the lightning round!

“In this round, you will each receive an envelope! Inside is a randomized punishment, such as arson, tar and feathering, or tickle torture! You may choose whether to accept that, or to be drowned underwater for two minutes in this barrel!”

“Do any of the punishments involve pop songs?”

“At least three.”

“KILL ME NOW.”

We start with Orange Tie, who chooses… to psychoanalyze the choice for a while. Oh, yeah, it’s dime store psychology theatre!

I think I’d take her over this ass any day.

Orange Tie settles on the envelope, which means he has to hold a firecracker in his hand as it goes off. Just to make sure he does, the silly thing is duct taped in place, and Lambrick yells at him to light it, which would be more threatening if his voice didn’t break halfway through. See, I told you this guy acted like a pre-teen boy!

The firecracker goes “pop”, and Orange Tie has a hunk of hamburger where a hand used to be. Which is enough to give him a heart attack and kill him, which is great, ’cause he was the only character without a name! Yay!

(Seriously? A firecracker gives him a heart attack? Fourth of July must be hell for him.)

It’s Victor’s turn now, and apparently this imprint wasn’t given good lung capacity, ’cause our little doll chooses the envelope again. His choice is going to be remarkably familiar to anyone who saw that movie poster: Slice open your own eye with a razor blade!

Classy.

Actually, considering how much they play it up in the poster, you don’t actually get to see the eye cutting on screen! How unfair!

After that’s over with, it’s Iris’s turn, and she elects to go for the barrel instead. While she drowns, she flashes back to a conversation with her sick brother, Hat Boy, as he talks about his dreams. Wait, did I say “dreams”? I meant “incredibly specific metaphor for this exact situation”! Gosh, dreams are funny like that!

Iris manages to survive, and Victor checks to see what her card was: Having all of your teeth torn out. (I’m pretty sure if they chose that, the special effects team would have cried themselves to sleep the rest of their life.)

It’s Sasha Grey’s turn, as while she tears open her envelope, Lambrick reveals that her husband drowned her daughter. Which… is why she needs money? Wait, no, that doesn’t work.

Sasha’s envelope calls for four minutes in the barrel, and because it’s not as though Sasha Grey has ever had to maintain strict jaw control, she inhales at the exact wrong moment and drowns.

And nothing of value was lost.

Well. Except for the obvious.

And now there were two! Iris and Victor are seated across from one another, and because who ever goes first in the final round “has a… distinct advantage”, a coin is flipped to decide who’ll go first. (SPOILERS: Turns out Lambrick is actually Two Face.)

Iris wins, and is offered a final choice: Would you rather end the game right now, sending you and Victor home safe but empty handed… or would you rather shoot him in the face, win the money, and save your brother?

And this is where Iris’s “hero complex” is finally brought to question: Who will she be the “hero” for? For Victor, the man she just met? Or her brother, who has a fancy hat?

For Iris, it’s no contest at all: Despite all the work Victor has done for the guests, taking shots, planning plans, being the voice of reason… Iris is selfish. If she kills him, just one man, just one insignificant little man… she never has to help her brother again.

Never has to drive him to the clinic.

Never has to cook for him.

Never has to work for him.

Never has to sacrifice her money, her time, her effort, herself… ever again.

She’ll be done, and better yet, she’ll be praised. A hero. The girl who saved her brother, gave them both a life of luxury and nobody has to ever know about what she did.

So she does what she thinks she has to do.

What she thinks is the only thing to do.

She shoots Victor through the heart in a single shot, leaving him gurgling blood, choking on his words of reassurance and friendship.

Not my fault, she thinks.

I won.

I won.

I won.

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU’RE TO BLAME! YOU GIVE LAMBRICK A BAD NAME!

Lambrick and the Butler give her a standing ovation, and Lambrick assures her a suitable donor has been found, and that he’s given her enough money to set her life back on track. He even asks for thanks, the smarmy fuck! She gets home, and oh hell, the downer ending alarm is sounding!

WHEEEE OOOOH WHEEEEE OOOOH.

She sees her brother sleeping in bed, and takes a nice shower to wash all the blood off. (Maaaaaaybe you want to see a doctor about that ice pick wound? Just a suggestion?) She decides to check in on her brother again… only to find him surrounded by empty pill bottles and his own vomit.

“Oh, gee, thanks for checking in with me about your imminent suicide before I enrolled in a personal hell run by a psychotic jackass. Oh, no, really, it’s fine, I’m sure THE GUY I FUCKING KILLED wouldn’t have wanted a heads up at all, you bald twat!”

So, that was Would You Rather! And… huh.

[Editor’s Note: Erik, you can’t just surmise your opinion with a ‘huh’.]

WELL THEN, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT.

Would You Rather is what I imagine you’d get if you handed a good director, a good writer, and a cabal of good actors (yes, even Sasha Grey) a big paper saying “make torture porn”. Or, at least, what you’d get after they all sobered up.

The editing, soundtrack, and performances are all great, and really sell the film. Iris in particular is a great little character study in herself, and I had a lot of fun tearing her down for this! (Yes, I’m a dick. Haven’t you accepted that yet?)

The biggest problem with this tense, scary thriller is… well… IT’S STILL TORTURE PORN. It’s still two hours of people in pain and terror, screaming for mercy, with little to no light relief! Which puts me in a difficult position as a reviewer: Just because the padding around the torture is pretty and well crafted, does that excuse the torture? Does nice wrapping paper excuse a crap present?

Hmm… Would I rather recommend this film, or damn it to hell?

I’m gonna choose “both”! Good for torture porn, utterly unwatchable and god-awful by any other standards! Even by your mom’s standards, and that’s saying something!

Hah.

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One Response to “Would I Rather Finish This Movie, Or Chew Through My Own Tongue? A “Would You Rather” Review, Part Two”

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