7 Things I’d Love To Write (But Nobody Will Let Me)

13 Nov

On my list of “intangible concepts that should be fed to rabid dogs as well as a couple other mammals with sharp teeth such as a ferret or a wombat”, quality control is right on the top! I mean, expecting something to be good? What the hell is wrong with you?!

So, here’s my top seven things I want to write, but nobody would actually read unless on a bet or at gunpoint!


Number 7: Second Coming Among The Stars

Summary: In the distant future of 3218, humanity and various species of aliens have joined together to create a colony on the isolated world of Rigelion III, but suddenly, Jesus Christ shows up for his Second Coming! Can our team of security administrators solve the mystery of Jesus Christ before the Pope’s flagship, Big Hat, destroys the colony and everyone inside?

Excerpt: The ship suddenly jerked to the side, sending Acting Captain Tooms flying in to her console in a manner both humiliating and painful. “Damage report!” she barked to Alice.

The glittering AI remained floating in her glittering holo-projector as she answered. “We took a crown of thorns to the engine, FTL drive is offline!”

“Dammit!” Tooms swore as she righted herself. “Is stealth an option? Can we sneak past Jesus Christ, see if we can make it to the fleet before he grows wings?”

“Negative, Captain. The colonists are singing gospel in the cargo bay, it’s throwing the whisper drive off!”

Suddenly, Combat Officer Strok’nar let out a horrible scream. As the rest of the bridge crew watched in terror, his green skin slowly turned red, before flowing away, leaving only the bones and the ridges.

“My god, he turned all the water in his cells to blood!” gasped Alice.

I SHALL EAT OF YOUR FLESH, PUNY HUMANS, AS YOU DID TO ME!” roared Jesus over the com-system.

To Hell with this!” yelled Tooms as she launched out of her command chair and behind the combat console. “We’re ending this fight now! Aim for the stigmata!”

Way… too… fun… to write…

Number Six: There Once Was A Man From An Ape…

Summary: A complete history of the world, from it’s beginning of man, to now, told in limerick form.

Excerpt: There once was a man from a cave,

Who told all his friends he was brave!

Then, he ran ‘way from fire,

His friends saw he’s a liar,

Now they’re all buried in a shallow grave!

Number Five: Inanimate, He Wrote

Summary: In the manor of the esteemed Lady Dameel, as she throws the party of the year, a corpse has shown up on the front lawn! And as the guests hunt for the killer, we follow the sentient, telepathic murder weapon!

Excerpt: “They’re going to find us, McHenry, they’re gonna fucking find us!” whimpered Terry as he fiddled with his gloves.

“Quiet, you fool, you’ll give us away!” growled McHenry. “We just need to hide the knife in the lake, they’ll never find it there!”

“Um, excuse me, do I have an opinion on the ‘drown me’ plan?! ‘Cause, seriously, what the fuck?! It’ll be boring as balls down there! I can’t stab a fish! Fish are boring! They almost never scream!” the knife yelled.

“Shut up, just shut u-” said Terry

“I mean, I already didn’t get a chance to pipe up for the ‘ram my head over and over again in to the greasy dignitary’ plan! Do you have any idea how it feels to repeatedly penetrate a a moist pink hole? Lemme guess, you don’t, you ASS.” the knife continued.

“New plan, we give the cops a knife so we don’t have to deal with him any more.”

“Fuck you too!”

“And why hasn’t anybody cleaned me?!”

Number Four: The Worst Christmas Ever

Summary: After a series of the worst Christmases ever, Terry is prepared to forget the entire idea forever. But who’s that in his bedroom…?

Excerpt: [Enter Terry in to his bedroom, with the Devil lying on his bed, covered in smoke.]

DEVIL: Why, hello, Terry, I’m the Devil.

TERRY: That makes perfect sense to me. Please continue.

DEVIL: I’ve seen all of your horrible Christmases, and I’m prepared to offer you a deal: Sell your soul to me, and in exchange, I will give you the best Christmas ever! And also I’ll damn you to hell forever.

TERRY: I cannot see any problems in this plan whatsoever.

Number Three: Fuzzy Sock Sucker

Summary: Jim is a world class loser and alcoholic, with absolutely no friends in the world… which makes things very surprising when he’s the only one left when an eldritch horror destroys the rest of the world. An eldritch horror that he needs to treat to lunch!

Excerpt: Jim fidgeted awkwardly in his seat. “So… do you want anything to eat?”

“I HAVE ALREADY CONSUMED ALL LIFE ON EARTH.” The Entity bellowed, while leaning on Jim’s crusty coffee table.

“So, not peckish. Gotcha.” Jim looked around his apartment draped in crusty socks. “Do you want a drink? I’ve got some rum, some beer, some Windex, some butter…”


“You know, you’re really making me feel like an awful host.”



Number Two: Conspiratorial Haikus

Summary: A collection of haikus, each one devoted to exposing our governments vast conspiracy!

Excerpt: Men in dark black suits

Capturing the aliens

Which they [REDACTED]

Number One: A Very Strange Movie

Summary: A formless being, composed of pure nightmares, was found in the reaches of space, and will soon destroy the minds of everyone on Earth. And possibly the moon, we haven’t checked yet.

Excerpt: SCIENTIST: Sir, we’ve captured the creature!

GENERAL: My god, how?!

SCIENTIST: We have a series of internet dishes arranged around the planet!

GENERAL: Is it trapped?

SCIENTIST: For now, yes, but it’s clearly gathering it’s mass for an escape attempt!

GENERAL: How do we stop it? Can we shoot it? I really want to shoot it.

SCIENTIST: No need for that! If we simply keep it’s mind occupied, humanity will be safe!

GENERAL: So, if we give it a constant upkeep of information, it’ll be stuck in it’s digital prison!

SCIENTIST: Yes, but if we expose it to a human’s mind, it will drain it of sentience!

GENERAL: Hrm, we need to find a place on the internet with plenty of information, but no actual people. Hmm…

[Cut to A Very Strange Place.]


One Response to “7 Things I’d Love To Write (But Nobody Will Let Me)”

  1. Tim Hurley November 16, 2013 at 6:10 pm #

    I see nothing wrong with any of these ideas, particularly the Conspiratorial Haikus, which are my FAVORITE kind of Haiku; batshit insane theories and a strict adherence to meter.

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