Shockingly Finite, Part Nine: Welcome To Electric Avenue

16 Nov

Welcome back to Shockingly Finite, our multi-part analysis of Bioshock: Infinite! And welcome to the final trial of Cornelius Slate! (HINT: It’s final because I’m going to kill his ass.

And probably the rest of him too.

PREVIOUSLYON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: After killing our way through scores of war heroes, led by the suicidal jackass Cornelius Slate, me and Elizabeth have finally found our way to our plot device Vigour… but Slate has taken it all.

Oh it is ON, jackass.

Ahem!

After I’m done looting the empty Vigour room, Elizabeth and I rush back in to the gift shop, only to find it covered with crystals shooting electricity. “Really, Slate? You steal the fucking Shock Jockey, then just leave the crap outside as a giant ‘Fuck You’? Your ass is grass, and I’m the hookdrill.”

I pick up the Motorized Patriot’s mini-gun and head out to the courtyard. Comstock’s gunships are circling overhead while Slate starts up his own personal mental breakdown. “IT WAS SLATE WHO LED THE MASSACRE AT WOUNDED KNEE! SLATE! IT WAS SLATE WHO KICKED DOWN THE DOOR AT PEKING, SLAAAAATE!”

“Hey, Slate, what about all those other guys?”

“… WHAT?”

“Well, I mean, you keep yelling about Comstock keeps overwriting your history, but what about your army of disenfranchised war heroes? What did they ever do? Why are they fighting for you? Did they have a forgotten war too?”

“… FORGET ABOUT THEM, THEY’RE NOT NEARLY AS IMPORTANT AS I AM!”

“God, you and Comstock are a match made in heaven.”

“WE ARE NOTHING ALIKE! HE’S A RELIGIOUS FANATIC WITH AN ARMY OF DEVOTE FOLLOWERS WHO USES METAPHORICAL TIN SOLDIERS TO ACCOMPLISH HIS GOALS OF REVISIONIST HISTORY! MEANWHILE, I’M A MILITARY FANATIC WITH AN ARMY OF DEVOTE FOLLOWERS WHO USES LITERAL TIN SOLDIERS WHILE I JUST PLAIN DON’T MENTION MY GOALS OF REVISIONIST HISTORY!”

“… We’re in the same room, why are you still yelling?”

“I’M ALWAYS YELLING!”

“WHY, IS THERE SOME OTHER WAY TO TALK?”

Slate starts throwing out more electric crystal traps, and calls in more of his soldiers for a ‘soldiers death’, which basically just means I have to stand around and slaughter anything with a pulse till the game decides I’ve committed enough genocide for one day.

Oh, great, a shooting gallery. A proud staple of video game development since the days of… everything, actually. Hell, it’s so static, why don’t we just throw in some announcers?

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the 122th Columbia Murder Dome! I’m John Sky, right here beside me is Sally Wheeler, and we’re watching from one of Zachary Comstock’s state of the art gunships! Anything to add, Sally?”

“Well, right below us, John, the latest competitor has just started the first round! ‘DeWitt’, is his name, and he’s a right up and comer from Monument Island! With a pocket full of Vigours and ammo, he’s sure to make this game interesting! Who’s that girl with him?”

“That’s Elizabeth Comstock, the seed of the prophet himself! That’s right, she’s gonna be tagging along for this round. An unorthodox move, to be sure, but Referee Slate has ruled it in! As long as she has no tin products involved, of course.”

“Annnnnd they’re off! DeWitt has started off by riddling the competition with mini-gun ammo, a move straight out of the Murder Dome games of ’09!”

“That’s right, Sally, and our prayers go out to the families of those involved.”

“A fireman has entered the field!”

“Why, has the fire alarm gone off?”

“No, I mean a guy literally covered in fire.”

Literally.

But, considering that a man on fire has a tinsy bit trouble concentrating on a fight, a quick swarming of birds and a smothering of bullets kill this schmuck faster than you can say “stop, drop, and roll”. Looks like round one is over!

*ring, ring*

It’s time to the ceremonial ‘pre-fight exchanging of taunts’ before round two. “YOU AREN’T THE SOLDIER I REMEMBER, DEWITT! TIN MAN! TIIIIIIIIIN MAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”

“Oh, just wait till I show you my ‘oil spout’ and shove it up your ass!”

“… Did you just threaten to rape him, Mr. DeWitt?”

“… I did not think that threat through.”

Towel off time is over, so round two starts off with a Motorized Patriot hopping down, with a collection of human mooks. Oh no, what ever would I do if I didn’t have a possession Vigour- ASSUMING CONTROL.

“DOMO ARIGATO, MOTHERFUCKER.”

After we’re done mopping all the oil of our boots from the dead Patriot, everything gets very quiet… until I check my objectives and it turns out Slate left five minutes ago. Oh, gee, you can’t stop yelling when we’re in the middle of a polite conversation, but when you need to duck out and leave before the boss fight, you’re quiet as a fucking church mouse!

Dick.

I rush after Slate, and I find him in a hallway, tossing Shock Jockey down the hallway. Good god, what, is he Bowser now? Will I have to pull an axe out the ground, make him fall in to floating lava?

Slate sprints off, leaving his electrified crystals everywhere, and his goons run in. So, one might say… we’re fighting in an electric avenue?

“Down in the street, there is violence!

And a lots of work to be done!

No place to hang out our washing!

And I can’t blame all on the sun, oh no,

We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we’ll take it higher! We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we’ll take it higher!”

What? I have to justify that title somehow, you know.

After slaughtering Slate’s brave soldiers and pushing my way through his dangerous electrical traps, I emerge in to the “Comstock punishes the Vox Populi” segment of the memorial, ready for a dangerous boss battle… only to find Slate lounging on a fountain.

You know, you could at least pretend that you care.

When I reach in to take the Shock Jockey, Slate suddenly wakes up and starts rambling like a mad man. “YOU’RE NOT DONE HERE, SOLDIER! EAT EVERYTHING THAT’S ON YOUR PLATE! FINISH IT!”

“I’m confused, are you asking me to kill you, or are you asking for oral sex?”

“… IS BOTH AN OPTION?”

Finally, I’m left with a moral dilemma: Would you rather (oh god, not this again) shoot Slate, or spare him?

Hmm. Should I shoot the annoying mass murdering psychopath with delusions of grandeur who kept me on this damn side mission, or should I let him live about five minutes until Comstock’s soldiers get here OH DECISIONS DECISIONS.

“Hmm. Elizabeth, what do you think?”

Oh god, do it, do it, do it, YESSS!” Elizabeth moaned as she stared at the gun with her hand furiously rubbing down the front of her dress.

“Well, that seems like a perfectly valid argument.”

“Bad day to die, I guess.”

I put the barrel against Slate’s head, blow his brains out, I get my Shock Jockey, Elizabeth has to go find a clean pair of panties, all’s well that ends well!

“Mr. DeWitt, you DO realize that now we’ll have to fight our way out of the Hall of Heroes, right?”

“… Oh, today can just fuck right off.”

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5 Responses to “Shockingly Finite, Part Nine: Welcome To Electric Avenue”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Shockingly Finite, Part Ten: Deus Ex Musical Number | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 30, 2013

    […] Elizabeth and I have FINALLY managed to gun down all those war heroes and grabbed our electrical Deus Ex Machina! Now to fight our way out of […]

  2. Shockingly Finite, Part Eleven: Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 3, 2013

    […] After making our way to an airship to escape Columbia, Elizabeth finally realizes that I’m not taking her to Paris. She expresses her displeasure. […]

  3. Shockingly Finite, Part Twelve: I Fink, Therefore I Am | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 9, 2013

    […] After Elizabeth and I had a little tiff (read: she kept almost killing me), we’re finally partners again! Which is good, because Daisy […]

  4. Shockingly Finite, Part Thirteen: Theatre Is Dead | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 28, 2013

    […] A member of the rebel alliance stole my airship, and unfortunately, she refuses to respect the universal law of ‘Finders, Keepers’. […]

  5. Shockingly Finite, Part Fourteen: A Piece Of The World Is Missing | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 1, 2014

    […] gunsmith, the key to getting the airship back from Daisy “The Revolution Will Not Be Simplified, And Neither Will The Plot” Fitzroy, has […]

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