Doctor Screw You

20 Nov

“Hello, Erik! What brings you here today?”

“Yo yo yo, Doc Face. [Yes, that’s how I talk. Shut up. I’m a hardcore gangster.] I’ve got low blood pressure, wanted to see what you could do about that. All my vampires have been complaining.”

“Ah, I see! Well, hold this cotton ball.”

“Why? Is it some kind of scanning device? Is it going to measure my blood pressure somehow? And why do you have a syringe?”

“Please be still, this will take just a moment!”

“What are you talking about-”


“It’s just a routine, Erik! We need your blood to run tests-”


“Asking is contraindicated by our Hypocratic oath.”

“And how is taking my blood supposed to help with my low blood pressure, you ass?!”

“We’re gonna make the rest of the blood panic, so they’ll increase their numbers the next time we attack.”

“… Really?”

“No, you ass. Now bend over, show me a vein, and think of England.”

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