The Devil, The Doctor, And Me: Doctor Who Review, Part One

22 Nov

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to our SPECIAL EDITION DOCTOR WHO 50TH ANNIVERSARY POST!

(Jesus, what a mouthful.)

Happy birthday, you beautiful blue box!

Doctor Who is a British science fiction series about a time travelling alien in a big blue box saving pretty much anything he can and killing everything else! It’s a science fiction staple, which you can tell by the fact that nobody’s lit in on fire and stomped up and down on the ashes yet.

In honour of it’s 50th anniversary, I have decided to review an episode! (Also, I’ve wanted to do this since before I started the site, but hush.) Now, seeing as my 666th post was a couple days ago, it’s only fitting that I review The Impossible Planet and The Satan Pit!

But first, some back story! The show follows the Doctor, a 900 year old face-changing Time Lord (alien) with his TARDIS, a big blue police box that’s bigger on the inside as he explores all of time and space with a cast of dutiful and useful companions! And also Rose Tyler, for some fucking reason.

Ahem!

The first episode of the two parter opens with the Doctor and his companion… Rose Tyler (oh, for fuck’s sake) dematerializing the TARDIS in a spaceship storage unit. Yes, Doctor Who has the wonders of the universe, and also apparently “Storage Wars In Space”.

The TARDIS didn’t want to land, and the duo consider this a sign that maybe they should leave. But they don’t get paid unless they fill this entire run time, so they stick around. The Doctor uses his mysterious Time Lord ability to pull exposition out of his ass and starts listing the background information. “We’re in a Sanctuary base, deep space exploration base, there’s drilling underneath us, there’s a storm outside, and we’re standing in a cupboard.”

They head off, and find the kind of hello I usually get when I walk in to someone’s house: WELCOME TO HELL.

AND ALSO, WIPE YOUR DAMN FEET.

A giant message, “Welcome to Hell” is painted on the wall, along with some alien language, which the Doctor and Rose can’t recognize. Which is bad, because the TARDIS has it’s own psychic universal translator, which means it translates anything and everything. So something even the TARDIS can’t read is like if Google Translate just told you to fuck off.

They head off to go find the base’s commander, but when they open the door, they’re greeted by pale aliens with tentacles for jaws, carrying little glowing balls strapped up to their face. Well, don’t these guys just look like the happiest little-

“WE MUST FEED.”

– campers.

The Doctor and Rose try to talk their way out, but more and more of the aliens start crowding through the door. Then, the other doors start opening, and more of them walk in, all saying the same thing over and over again.

“WE MUST FEED.”

“WE MUST FEED.”

“WE MUST FEED.”

[Cue credit sequence.]

“- YOU, IF YOU ARE HUNGRY.”

Oh, you cocktease! Don’t say you’ll eat Rose Tyler and then just leave us hanging!

“ARE YOU KIDDING, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? I WOULDN’T EAT HER IF YOU PAID ME.”

Turns out the electro-magnetics were fucking with their speech balls (yeah, right, you guys couldn’t look more evil if you stapled horns to your head), and one of the supporting characters rush in to gasp at the fact that two random people have just shown up in the middle of deep space. Oh, trust me, this is Doctor Who. This isn’t even the most impossible thing this episode, never mind the series!

The fellow, Jefferson, takes the Doctor and Rose to the bridge… command centre… consoley room, I dunno! People gasp about the fact that they’re here some more, and an earthquake hits. Quick, everyone pretend that the ground is shaking! Now, flick the light switch!

After the “chaos”, introductions are given out: Jefferson, Captain Flane, Ida, Toby, Danny, Scooti. And now that you know the names of all the disposable characters, I can’t just make crap up! CURSES, FOILED AGAIN.

Ida pulls a switch, and reveals where they are: On a lump of rock… orbiting a black hole.

That sounds problematic.

“We… we should probably stay away from that. Just a thought.”

After establishing just how incredibly impossible it is to orbit a black hole, some details are established: This hunk of rock is Krop Tor, otherwise known as “The Bitter Pill”. The whole planet’s somehow generating a massive gravity field which is how Krop Tor stays in orbit. It also keeps a huge gravity hole open, to let anybody in to the planet while avoiding the black hole, which is also how hookers work.

While the Doctor gets to work calculating how much power this would take, Rose Tyler gets to the important job of laying out backstory for the aliens: They’re called the Ood, and they’re your basic maintenance slave race, nothing interesting, and the first person to make an “odd/Ood” pun dies loudly and messily.

The Doctor’s finally crunched the numbers, and to generate the gravity field, you’d need “a power source with an inverted self-extrapolating reflex of 6 to the power of 6 every 6 seconds”. I know nothing about science or math, so I have no idea if that’s accurate. Instead, here’s a kitten!

See? Kitten!

Such a techno-babble power source could veritably power an empire, so that’s why they’re here: To steal it! Which… would collapse the gravity field and drop them in to the black hole.

You guys didn’t really think this plan through, huh.

The Doctor fuels the Yaoi fangirls by hugging Captain Flane for being so stupid, and they start talking about how the Doctor even got here. “Oh, I have a ship! Over in that storage unit thing!”

“You mean Storage 6?”

“Yeah!”

“You mean… the part of the base that was dropped in to the core of the planet when the earthquake hit?”

“… Fuck.”

The TARDIS is now stuck in the centre of Krop Tor, which no way to get at it. Which means the Doctor and Rose are stuck on the Impossible Planet, which, and this is the best case scenario, will get dropped in to a black hole the second they yank out the power source. Worst case scenario, the power source is actually an ancient eldritch horror. But I can’t imagine THAT happening!

And it’s not as if this picture is foreboding at all!

Toby starts hearing voices, and meanwhile, Rose is trying to get some food. But while she’s awkwardly chatting with the Ood, he gives he an extra serving of spooky: “THE BEAST AND HIS ARMIES SHALL RISE FROM THE PIT TO MAKE WAR AGAINST GOD.”

“…”

“I MEAN, WOULD YOU LIKE MUSTARD WITH THAT?”

Flane has a holographic demon suddenly appear while he’s working, and Danny has the computer warn him that “HE IS AWAKE”, while all the while, the spooky voice is telling Toby not to turn around. “Don’t look. If you look at me, you will die.”

“What, is this the Satanic version of ‘I’m Not Touching You’?”

He naturally turns around, and sees nothing, but soon after, he’s suddenly covered from head to toe in demonic script, and his eyes turn red. “For dry red eye, try Clear Eyes.”

“And on an unrelated note, my nose is itchy.”

The Doctor and Rose get to watch a whole star system get consumed by the black hole, and after that cheery moment, they discuss having to live a normal life without time travel now. And fortunately, they’re interrupted by the Devil calling Rose and telling her “HE IS AWAKE”. Well, good for him, I guess.

They pop down to the Ood, and Danny explains that the Ood all have a low level telepathy. “Basic 5”, and I’m sure we all know what that means! And… oh snap, now it’s basic thirty! Shit just got serious!

The Ood all turn around, and chant about how you will “worship him”. Which is interrupted when Scooti, while searching for Toby, finds him going for a walk… outside.

Without a space suit.

Huh.

“Hi. Got a minute?”

Toby waves his hand, and the window shatters and Scooti goes flying outside. (And nothing of value was lost.) There’s some chaos, and everybody ends up together in the command centre. Including Toby, now distinctly undemonfied! Well, I’m sure HE won’t be doing anything bad!

They spy Scooti floating outside the window, and there’s a sad moment… which is interrupted when they hear the drills stop. “Well, fuck mourning, we have a giant rock to explore!”

The Doctor volunteers for the mission, and he and Ida hop in to a giant pod and get dropped down Krop Tor. Once they hit the bottom, they start exploring the tunnels, while exchanging pop culture references. Jesus, you might as well have sent ME down there.

Up with the Ood, Danny reports that the Ood are staring at him, while the scale is at basic 100. Which is apparently their equivalent of “brain death”.

… Why do you have a scale for that? Are you lobotimizing a lot of Ood in your off hours? Well, it’s better than what I do in my spare time, at least!

Down in Krop Tor, they manage to find a massive trap door, covered in runes. Presumably, the titular pit. “Hey, Toby, you’re the expert! Do you know what the symbols mean?”

“… I know what they mean.”

“Really? What are they?”

THESE ARE THE WORDS OF THE BEAST.”

“… Oh. Alright then.”

[Come back tomorrow for part two!]

3 Responses to “The Devil, The Doctor, And Me: Doctor Who Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Devil Came Down To Krop Tor: Doctor Who Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 23, 2013

    […] LAST TIME: The Doctor and Rose Tyler are stranded on Krop Tor, a hunk of rock orbiting a black hole. Some massive source of energy is not only keeping the planet there, but projecting a massive gravity funnel to let in our team of explorers who wish to steal away the energy source, with their army of tentacle faced servants, the Ood. […]

  2. The Doctor Wears Prada: Doctor Who Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 24, 2013

    […] LAST TIME: The Doctor and Rose Tyler are stranded on Krop Tor, an asteroid orbiting a black hole that’s being kept in place by a power source in the centre. The Doctor and one of the human miners dig down to find out what it is, and lo and behold, it’s Satan! […]

  3. Idle Hands Are Pretty Much Everyone’s Playthings: Doctor Who Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 26, 2013

    […] PREVIOUSLY: The Doctor’s jumping down the recursive pit to find Satan, Satan’s possessed an army of Zoidbergs, Rose and the crew have checked out each other’s asses, and Jefferson died so hard, he made Captain Jack say “daaaaaaaamn“. […]

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