The Devil Came Down To Krop Tor: Doctor Who Review, Part Two

23 Nov

Welcome back to our 50th anniversary celebration of Doctor Who, which we’re celebrating with a review of The Impossible Planet, and The Satan Pit!

(You just have to love any place with ‘Satan’ in the name.)

And yes, I saw “Day of The Doctor“, thought it was good, as long as you plug your ears and hum away the plot points.

LAST TIME: The Doctor and Rose Tyler are stranded on Krop Tor, a hunk of rock orbiting a black hole. Some massive source of energy is not only keeping the planet there, but projecting a massive gravity funnel to let in our team of explorers who wish to steal away the energy source, with their army of tentacle faced servants, the Ood.

Oh, and also, Satan’s there.

Ahem!

After the Doctor and Ida find the mysterious trap door at the bottom of the pit, the voice of ‘The Beast’ hops inside Toby, filling him with the creepy demonic lettering and red eyes like it’s the world’s quickest Satanic make-over. (Hah, take that, Pazuzu!)

THESE ARE THE WORDS OF THE BEAST. AND HE HAS AWOKEN. HE IS THE HEART THAT BEATS IN THE DARKNESS, HE IS THE BLOOD THAT WILL NEVER CEASE, AND NOW HE WILL RISE.”

“Damn. How do you fit all that on a business card?”

Jefferson threatens him with a gun, so the Beast attacks with his ultimate weapon: Vague guilt! (God, he’s just like every religion.) “TELL ME, JEFFERSON, DID YOUR WIFE EVER FORGIVE YOU? LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET: SHE NEVER DID.”

“God, spoiler warning, geez!”

Apparently vague references aren’t enough to scare off Jefferson, so the Beast sends his demonic symbols off, gives up Toby, and possesses the Ood instead. Oh hell, now you have an army of Zoidbergs to fight!

“Need a Satanic army to pervert the work of God? Why not Zoidberg?”

While the Ood start giving their “we are Legion” speech, they name drop some religious figures… including “Abaddon”, who showed up in Torchwood. Now, considering that the Torchwood Abaddon is supposed to be the Beast’s son, one may reasonably say “what the actual fuck”!

One of the nameless red-shirts gets taken out when the Ood’s little translator ball flies over and shocks him, and the Ood start menacing our team, all the while quoting the Beast’s fucking ad campaign.

“He’s the darkness in the night! He’s the bringer of despair! He’s sin and temptation! He’s Satan, Lucifer, Abaddon! He can cut through a tin can, and still slice through a tomato like that!”

Krop Tor starts shaking, and while Flane exposits about how the planet is losing it’s gravity, down in the centre, the Doctor and Ida watch the trap door open… to reveal another pit.

So… it’s a pit, at the bottom of the pit, on a planet that’s orbiting a pit. And, spoiler alert, at the bottom of this new pit? There’s another pit. It’s like the demonic equivalent of nesting dolls!

And somewhere in there is the TARDIS, which let’s face it, probably has a pit somewhere in there.

“THE PIT IS OPEN. AND I AM FREEEEEE.”

“… Which pit are we talking about here?”

The Beast cackles evilly, and part one is over! Part two opens with a ‘previously on’ segment, which cuts to Jefferson and a red-shirt opening fire on the Ood. “What’s that, you’re being brain-washed? Yeah, well, fuck you anyways.”

Flane reports that the planet is re-stabilizing, and Danny joins up with Jefferson, Toby, and Rose in the drill room. He informs them that the interface ball is a weapon now, and to prove it, an Ood walks in and kills the nameless red-shirt!

And nothing of value was lost.

A few Ood are coming for Flane, so he locks down his command centre and grabs a single shot bolt-gun, just in case he finds one Ood he really, REALLY doesn’t like.

Rose finally gets the radio working, and the Doctor and Ida report about the pit. They’re given an express order not to explore the latest in our grand series of pits, because if Satan didn’t actually leave the pit… then he’s still in the pit. And because even the Doctor isn’t dumb enough to jump down and fight the ultimate evil with nothing more than a screwdriver, they decide to leave!

“Aww, but I was getting my hair ready just for you!”

Jefferson has had enough of this whole “the manifestation of Satan himself” crap, and decides to off Toby. But considering that he’s no longer all demony, Rose manages to call him off. Yeeeeah, who wants to bet that’s a bad idea?

(I do! Me, me!)

Ida and the Doctor get ready to head back up, but just before they pull the transport up, the power gets sapped, and the Beast/Ood start their whole ‘I am the darkness, I am the devil, I am the walrus, coo coo cachoo” schtick again.

But the Doctor ain’t havin’ NONE of this crap, and demands to know which devil the Beast is.

“ALL OF THEM.”

“Now, does that include any Lovecraftian monsters? Are you Cthulhu, too? Yog-Sothoth? Nyathlotep? Or what about video games? Are you Diablo? Belial? The Lich King? Or, hey, fuck, are you the Darkspawn?”

“… YOU’RE MAKING MY HEAD HURT.”

“What are you even doing on this rock, anyway? How are you supposed to be ‘the devil’ when you’re about two inches away from falling to your death you pansy?”

“THE DISCIPLES OF THE LIGHT ROSE UP AGAINST ME AND CHAINED ME IN THE PIT FOR ALL ETERNITY.”

“Damn, sounds like fun! Did I miss a party? When was this?”

“BEFORE TIME.”

“… Wait, what?”

“BEFORE TIME.”

“But you can’t be ‘before time’, time is just the term for the progression of events, if whenever that was had things occurring, than there had to be some way to not let it all happen at once. Therefore, the progression of events, or ‘time’, was-”

“BEFORE TIME.”

“But that’s impossible, time isn’t an actual thing you can just-”

“BEFORE TIME.”

“But-”

“BEFORE TIME.”

“… Okay, you know what, asshole, I’m going to personally shove this black hole so far up your Ood Sphere, you’ll be coughing up Krop Tors.”

[Come back tomorrow for part three!]

2 Responses to “The Devil Came Down To Krop Tor: Doctor Who Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Doctor Wears Prada: Doctor Who Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 24, 2013

    […] TIME: The Doctor and Rose Tyler are stranded on Krop Tor, an asteroid orbiting a black hole that’s […]

  2. Idle Hands Are Pretty Much Everyone’s Playthings: Doctor Who Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 26, 2013

    […] The Doctor’s jumping down the recursive pit to find Satan, Satan’s possessed an army of Zoidbergs, Rose […]

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