Shockingly Finite, Part Eleven: Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do

3 Dec

Welcome back to Shockingly Finite, our multi-part analysis of Bioshock: Infinite! And is it just me, or is this the longest “review” ever? I swear, I’m still gonna be writing this in 2020, just in time for Bioshock: Elizabeth Visits An STD Clinic.

“Well, ma’am, it’s come to my attention that your samples are melting my hands oh god!”

PREVIOUSLYON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: After making our way to an airship to escape Columbia, Elizabeth finally realizes that I’m not taking her to Paris. She expresses her displeasure. Loudly. With a pipe wrench.

Ahem!

I come to, watching Elizabeth’s ass as she operates the airship. Oh, okay, so just anyone can operate these damn ships! Grizzled detectives, isolated maniacs, probably small children with bone disorders, anyone!

After fading out again, I see a red gunship fly past the window, and Elizabeth runs off. Suddenly, after another fade out, the ship is full of injured Vox Populi. One of them walks over to me… and calmly punches my face in.

Well. Thank you for giving me a great reason to hate the Vox Populi, I guess! I was all prepared to have to pretend to like you guys, and now I hate your guts right out of the fucking gate!

After fading out again, I come to… being dangled out of the airship.

Gravity. You harsh bitch.

Vox Populi, THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO SAY HI.

After getting dangled out over some prisoners mining, the fellow who punched me pulls me back in. Oh, trust me, dude, after you just punched me, you’d be safer just dropping me.

And, of course, Daisy Fitzroy pipes up. “So, you’re this ‘False Shepherd’ we’ve heard so much about. Caused a mess of trouble at the Raffle.”

“Lady, I skull fucked an entire squad of blond hair blue eyed cops over a race issue. I’m pretty sure when the body count is in double digits, it’s a little more than a ‘mess’. You Fitzroy?”

“Nothin’ but.”

“And a howdy fuck you too! I’ve got no quarrel with you, or your Vox Populi! Well. Except that guy who punched me. But this is my damn airship, and unless you want to go kill a war hero, then get the hell off my property!”

“Really? ‘Cause it certainly looks like old Comstock’s airship to me!”

“… Oh, yeah, because I’m sure the leader of a resistance group is absolutely concerned with issues of possession, you dumbass.

“… Did you just call the person dangling you out of an airship a dumbass?”

“Okay, yeah, not my best move. Look, I don’t want a fight!”

“There’s already a fight, DeWitt! Only question is, which side are you on?”

“… Left?”

“Comstock is the god of the white man, the rich man, the pitiless man! But if you believe in common folk, then join the Vox!”

“Well, considering that the only ‘common folk’ I’ve met since I’ve entered this dumbass town punched me in the face and dangled me out of an airship, I’m gonna have to sadly say ‘fuck right off’! Gimme back my ship, bitch!”

“And the Vox shall give her to you! But first, you must help the Vox.”

“… Or, alternatively, I kill you all with my hookdrill and draw smiley faces on the corpses.”

“Yeah, good luck with that. Down in Finkton, there’s a gun smith who can supply weapons to our cause. Get our guns from him and you shall have your ship back.”

“Oh, please, bitch! What makes you possibly think I’m leaving this airship without taking your spinal cords with me?!”

“Gravity?”

“What do you mean, gravit- AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!”

… Which is when she tosses me out of the airship.

Fitzroy, fitz off.

After a short plummet to the hard ground, I find myself right outside Fink Manufacturing! And, just to show how little I care about Fitzroy, I immediately set out to find Elizabeth. Hah hah, nobody cares about Daisy.

As I wander through the shipping dock, I get to hear our Mr. Fink go on about how great working for Fink is, which inevitably means that Fink is evil. BIOSHOCK LOGIC.

I pass a big fancy sign about ‘looking forward’ with a bunch of dockworkers working on it, and one of them is ever so nice to exposit about Elizabeth! “I saw that scrawny little thing come through, looking for passage out. Little girl, probably needs a decent meal!”

“Oh, don’t even suggest that to her. I’m pretty sure she’s only five minutes of boredom away from trying cannibalism.”

After prying open a door, I see a ship captain threaten to rape Elizabeth as he tosses her off his ship. She naturally barely responds to the threat, but starts freaking the hell out and running in terror the second she sees me. “Hey! I’m not THAT bad!”

And thus begins our exciting chase through the shipyard, with her using everything in her power to slow me down. First, she stops shipping containers in my way, which is countered with the brilliant tactic of… crouching.

“Elizabeth! Just wait!”

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?!”

“The plot says so!”

Obstacle two is her Tearing in a cloud of balloons. Oh, nice work, Elizabeth, you just ruined a pan dimensional birthday party. There’s an alternate dimension full of crying toddlers that’s all your fault.

YOU MONSTER.

Number three is a marching band which the game, very sadly, decides that I’m not allowed to shoot. Sigh. And my dreams of finally shooting a tuba is once again unrealized.

Her number five is a train, and when she hits a dead end, she opens a Tear which manages to also open a hole in the wall… and once she’s on the other side, the cops arrest her… and then the Tear closes.

Fuck.

I find a side door, and after grabbing a sniper rifle, I’m headin’ off to rescue my damsel in distress, as is swiftly becoming standard. After climbing up a building across the security office, I see them slap Elizabeth across the face. Oh, it’s on now, bitch. Nobody beats my walking MacGuffin!

Unfortunately for the cops, they don’t actually know I exist! And on a completely unrelated note, I found more sniper rifle ammo!

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

You know, I’m starting to wonder, do those helmets actually do anything?

Other than being awfully pretty?

Eventually, the lust for headshots is exceeded by my lust of hookdrills, and I skyrail down to the actual party! Which is when things get… weird. See, I have this magic shirt that shoots out fire whenever somebody hits me, and after one of the cops hits me with his billy club, he gets toasted and launched across from the room… and then he gets back up.

With the health bar absolutely zero, and stuck halfway through his incineration animation, he stands up, and with his skin crackling and burning, actually takes the time to hit me again. And then he becomes a walking skeleton, before crumbling in to dust. And I must remind you, I am not making this up.

So, my Bioshock: Infinite game has necrophiliac nightmare fetishist Elizabeth, fraternities of ravens that can be killed with a single shot, and now an unkillable flaming corpse caught between death and vengeance.

Maybe the Canadian version of this game really is different.

Canada: Home of the bloody cold, and the freaking confusing.

After finishing off the reinforcements with my sniper rifle and hookdrills, the game has to actually say “Remember to use your Vigours!”, as if they were worried I forgot all their special game mechanics. No, no, I remember, it’s just… well, when you’re stacking them up against a spinning hand-held eviscerator… well, some sacrifices will have to be made!

I pry open the door to the security office… just as Elizabeth Tears in a skyline and rides away. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Don’t you suppose you could have tried that BEFORE I had to slaughter the living dead?!”

She speeds off, with me in hot pursuit, until we reach the end. I hop off, right behind her… just as a Handyman swings down and smacks me.

“FALSE SHEPHERD!”

“God, what is it with the villains in this game and shouting?

The Handyman is essentially a man, hard-wired in to a huge robotic, gorilla-like body with an exposed heart and giant hands, and he grabs me with one of said giant hands and launches me off the edge. “What a diiiiiiiiick!”

Which, ironically, he no longer has.

I manage to snag on a shipping container until the Handyman cuts the rope with a tossed manhole cover, and I’m sent plummeting. Ah yes, there seems to be an awful lot of falling this time around! But Elizabeth Tears in a zeppelin, presumably from Crimson Skies, and I’m left clinging to the side.

“Hey, little help, Elizabeth? Maybe before that tin can remembers I’m still alive? Just a thought?”

“Do not attempt to follow me, Mr. DeWitt!”

“I’m dangling from an balloon! Unless this thing starts chasing you around, I think you’re safe! Look, I’ve made an arrangement to get our airship back!”

“Really?”

“Yes! Well. Admittedly, I had to make said arrangement with a psychotic rebel leader who tried to kill me afterwards. But I generally find psychotic rebels to be trustworthy. We just need to supply enough weapons to arm an entire uprising!”

“… And you don’t see any problems with that plan at all?”

“Apparently not.”

“Where will we even GET these weapons?! From our many friends and allies?! Maybe we’ll ask Slate- OH WAIT! You already killed him! How about Comstock- oh yeeeeeah, he’s the one trying to kill us! Or hey, maybe we’ll just tie all of the Motorized Patriots together and get Songbird to drag them around-”

“YES OKAY I GET IT.”

“Oh, you mean I made my point? But I’m just a little widdle silly willy girl with the ability to warp reality! It’s not like I’m a gumshoe from New York with a face like somebody was swinging at me with a scalpel and a tiny dick-”

“Hey! My dick’s not tiny!”

“Oh, please. You had to tie a giant metal vibrator to your arm just to have anyone pay attention to you.”

“Yeah, and so far, I managed to resurrect the dead with it and create a flaming hell zombie. Just like a dick, huh!”

“What?!”

“Look, Elizabeth, it’s a gun smith down in Finkton! Don’t even have to murder anyone! Walk in the park, what do you say? Partners?”

“You’re a liar, Mr. DeWitt, and a thug.”

“Yeah, but I’m the thug with the biggest gun.”

She thinks for a moment. Then offers me her hand. I take it, and she pulls me on to solid ground.

“Partners, Mr. DeWitt?”

“Yeah. Partners.”

“Sooooo… what was that about flaming zombies?”

“God, don’t even ask.”

“Actually, Elizabeth, it’s probably your wet dream.”

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4 Responses to “Shockingly Finite, Part Eleven: Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do”

  1. Tim Hurley December 4, 2013 at 11:59 pm #

    Oh, that ‘living dead on fire’ feature made it into the US version as well. Looks disturbing as hell, but you want real fun? Try playing through one of the toughest waves of a Clash in the Clouds mission (DLC stuff), building up a decent score for the leaderboard, only to be done in by a shot from a guy that was not only on fire, but currently did not have a head! Still not sure how that split-second between life and death managed to last long enough to kill me, but hey, BioShock.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Shockingly Finite, Part Twelve: I Fink, Therefore I Am | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 9, 2013

    […] After Elizabeth and I had a little tiff (read: she kept almost killing me), we’re finally partners again! Which is good, because Daisy Bitchroy has stolen out damn […]

  2. Shockingly Finite, Part Thirteen: Theatre Is Dead | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 28, 2013

    […] A member of the rebel alliance stole my airship, and unfortunately, she refuses to respect the universal law of ‘Finders, Keepers’. She’ll give it back, but only […]

  3. Shockingly Finite, Part Fourteen: A Piece Of The World Is Missing | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 1, 2014

    […] gunsmith, the key to getting the airship back from Daisy “The Revolution Will Not Be Simplified, And Neither Will The Plot” Fitzroy, has been ferreted away […]

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