Recursive Loop Of Sharks: A Shark Swarm Review

6 Dec

First, there was Jaws.

Then, that was one-upped by Two Headed Shark Attack.

The shark arms race was then escalated by Sharknado.

And finally, we have the final solution… the last evolution of the shark horror movies… the greatest level of shark technology… ladies and gentlemen, welcome… to SHARK SWARM.

WE HAVE REACHED MUTUAL SHARK DESTRUCTION.

Oh, you just have to love finding new movies in the discount bargain bin at the grocery store! I feel like a kid in a candy store!

Ahem!

The film opens with credits that surely tasked Windows Movie Maker, showing the titular shark swarm, before cutting to a university lecture of Senior Sweater-Vest talking about man’s delicate relationship with nature. Hmm. Your message is pretentious, but your vest is intriguing! Tell me more!

We cut to the boat from Horror Of Party Beach dumping toxic waste in to the ocean. I swear, if this stuff evolves in to more vampire zombie fish men, I am gonna stop dropping my radioactive waste in public waters, I mean it this time!

One of the barrels breaks immediately (might wanna get your money back on those barrels), and of course the swarm of sharks swims through it. The great whites suddenly start mutating, with a montage of their cellular structure changing, before they snap and start eating all the other kinds of sharks. What’s that, a great white has eaten somebody? That never happens in a shark movie!

Back with the toxic boat, they’re heading off for more dumps, and to shut off some kind of facility or something. I honestly wasn’t paying attention, because the standard issue conscientious henchmen switched his accent every five seconds. I swear, I’m pretty sure he was talking in Klingon at one point.

And no, I’m not gonna write something in Klingon. Fuck you.

We cut away from our gang of ne’er-do-wells for some establishing shots of the town, until we finally settle on a woman and her daughter driving off to town. Wait, did I say “settle”? I meant, cut away to a blond guy listening to the radio as he drives to town. Well. Either that or the woman managed to absorb her daughter and switch genders in the last five seconds.

Danny is his name, and he goes to an office for some paperwork. FEEL THE ADVENTURE. He meets one of the thugs, a big unfriendly looking fellow, before heading off to work. He evidentially fishes for a living, along with his good pal… Guy Who Looks Like Bono?

Well, I guess the street’s have no name when you’re eaten by a shark.

At a big dramatic facility, two more thugs are dropping toxic waste in to the water, which is shown leaking in to the ocean. Uh oh, time to… get ready for ‘Summer Love’? I’M RUNNING OUT OF HORROR OF PARTY BEACH REFERENCES OKAY.

Danny is checking his great big ledger of fish, when the lead thug, Kane, floats by on his giant “look at how big my penis is” yacht. He gives some “I am obviously doing something illegal” foreshadowing, and talks about Mr. Lux, as all the thugs have been doing. Annnnnnd guess who shows up in the next scene!

No. No, not Optimus Prime. It’s… it’s Lux. Why… why would you even think that?

Optimus Prime Versus Shark Swarm. SOMEBODY MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Lux has just gotten back from a trip and is greeted by the Sheriff, who could not be more stereotypically sheriffy if… no, actually, he physically can’t be. He is the sheriff singularity. The Uber-Sheriff, if you will.

Danny’s family, the woman and the daughter from earlier, comes to visit him while he’s getting his boat ready, and Danny and the woman start making out in the office. You know, it’s weird, we’re only ten minutes in, and it already feels like too much has happened, while simultaneously nothing’s happened at all!

We cut to a diver, doing what divers do best, when he ends up taken out by the shark swarm. Annnnd cut back to Danny and Bono. Well, thanks for reminding us that sharks are in this movie, at least!

Meanwhile, Kane is… showing off his chihuahua to Lux.

And no, that isn’t an innuendo.

 

No matter how much I wish it was.

Danny is calling… someone at a university… about something.

Look, shut up. I bought this movie expecting sharks, gore, and death! Not a whimsical examination of small coastal towns! Enough with the tedium, bring on the gore!

Back with the henchman with a million accents, he and a new henchmen are fixing a valve underwater for Lux. The new guy slips a dive suit on and heads down there, and after he smacks the valve a couple times, the sharks hear that as dinner bells! Come on, everybody get seconds!

The henchmen tries to escape, but come on. We’re twenty minutes in to a horror movie, and he’s wearing his red shirt today! The swarm takes him down faster than you can say “disposable character actor”, and… we fade to black?

After these messages, we’ll be right back?

Once we’re all back from our pee break, we see two surfers complaining about cords while the daughter and woman watch. One of the surfers is too busy eye-fucking the daughter to be paying attention, and he takes a surfboard to the head. Why, hello, random love interest about a character we barely know! How are you today!

Back with Kane, he’s showing Lux the accented and traumatized henchmen. Wait, the sharks didn’t eat him?! I’m pretty sure even Jaws would have tried take a bite out of that pansy, and he was just a voodoo shark!

Over at the university, we have a giant screen Al Gore would be jealous of while our… teachery guy, I guess, exposits about marine life’s response to toxic dumps. Good god, how is this so BORING?! It’s a movie! About shark swarms! How could you fuck that up!

We cut to a bunch of little girls being taught how to swim, but one of the little girls doesn’t want to for some reason. The instructor is understandably confused!

“Aww, what’s the matter, little girl? Don’t you want to get wet?”

Not even gonna touch that one.

You don’t pay me enough.

The instructor tries to coerce the little girl, and convinces her to get her feet wet. Annnnd cue shark swarm in three… two… one…

AND THE INSTRUCTOR IS OUT OF THERE!

Yes, the sharks manage to even swarm in water far too shallow for them, and after the girl manages to escape, her mother shows up to spirit her away before she can tell her what she saw. Nice work, you over baring bitch, thanks to you, we have another corpse on the pile! And the movie has to go on even longer!

We cut to deep in to the night, as two old fishermen are drinking their troubles away. They down some Irish whiskey as they mourn the lack of fish, and because the irony god were listening, the sharks show up! And after some brief slapstick, they’re both knocked in to the water!

Gee. Two nameless characters died in a horror film. What a surprise.

Then we… fade to black again?

Holy hell, did I put in “Shark Swarm: The Series” by accident?! Here, have another damn commercial!

We cut back to the daughter coming in to a church as they preach about God- er, I mean, Mr. Lux. What was that line about false idols, again?

The daughter and some old woman go on about some pointless as fuck dialogue, before cutting to some fisherman getting his rod got on a shark. Annnnd he’s dead.

That was… less than a minute, that death scene.

You know, if you’re not even going to care, neither will I.

See you tomorrow.

4 Responses to “Recursive Loop Of Sharks: A Shark Swarm Review”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. How Could You Make A Shark Swarm BORING?! Shark Swarm Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 7, 2013

    […] and to think back to yesterday, when I was so happy about the prospect of a shark swarm! Ah, if only I had known this movie […]

  2. Filler And Morons And Sharks, Oh My! Shark Swarm Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 8, 2013

    […] god, we’re back at the goddamn Shark Swarm. Figures that a movie made out of tedium and filler would be my first […]

  3. The Fifth Day Of Regretmas: Sharks Keep On Falling On My Head | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 17, 2013

    […] swarms of sharks? OH GOD, NOT SHARK SWARM, ABANDON THE […]

  4. The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Reviewed | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 7, 2014

    […] Four: Shark […]

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