Shockingly Finite, Part Twelve: I Fink, Therefore I Am

9 Dec

Welcome back to Shockingly Finite, our multi-part analysis of Bioshock: Infinite! And… you know, I’m tired of stealing other people’s photos to go with these intros! I want my own picture! Art monkeys, get to work!


Yeah, that’ll do.

PREVIOUSLYON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: After Elizabeth and I had a little tiff (read: she kept almost killing me), we’re finally partners again! Which is good, because Daisy Bitchroy has stolen out damn airship, and we’ll only get it back if we help her get guns for her revolution.

Which I’m sure won’t take too long!



“Don’t get too comfortable with my company, Mr. DeWitt.”

“Well, you better not get too comfortable with not having my foot up your ass.”

“… What?”

I said shut up!”

Elizabeth and I head to Finkton, and despite the fact that we’re both wanted fugitives, nobody seems to notice us. And I thought the civilians in Metropolis were unobservant. We reach the elevator to Finkton, only to find that they’re apparently out of jobs! What kind of industrial dystopia is this, anyway?! I want my money back!

In my days, everybody was forced to do back breaking labour, and by god, we liked it!

We find the door downstairs to the service elevator, and after we get rid of the lock, we just have one room in between us and the elevator- “Say, Mr. DeWitt, what’s that down there?”

“I dunno, almost looks like a-”


“- Motorized Patriot.”

Seems like Fink has installed a security detail to guard his service elevator, and after I take out the Motorized Patriot, that just leaves his soldiers armed with billy clubs! That’ll be easy- wait. Billy clubs? As in, melee combat? As in, that thing that activates my shirt that incinerates everyone around me? As in, the thing that raised the dead last time I used it?!

Oh, lord.

What the hell is WRONG with my disc?!

Three, in case you’re curious. Three of the guards are brought back with the power of holy-hell, and manage to lay some smacks on me before I kill them for good this time. I’m not sure what’s happening with this game, but things seem to be getting worse and worse.

Feel free to turn back now, people.

I hit the switch for the elevator, and after we get in, the Fink propaganda starts blaring up over the elevator about how we should “be the bee”. I’m sorry, but unless you’re talking about secreting a toxin from my ass, I’m afraid you’ve lost me.

The phone starts ringing, and I pick it up, only for the secretary to make me wait a second before Fink will talk to me. “Well then, why did you you call me, you silly fucker? Just wanted to make sure you could talk to me whenever you feel like it?”

Finally, he picks up. “DeWitt? Fink here! Listen, my boy, we’ve had our eye on you, and I can tell you right now, you are our top candidate! Top! Now, my associate, Mr. Flambeau, will help you with anything you need, ha ha!”

And then he hangs up.

“Well. I think I’ve finally met someone more annoying than Comstock. Didn’t think it was possible, to be honest.”

“Maybe he secretly is Comstock?”

“Oh, come on, Elizabeth! Do you really think that somebody can be two people at the same time?!”

“Yeah, I guess that is stupid.”

That moustache is the source of his power.

As the elevator goes down, we get our standard issue “industrial age sucks, fo’ shizzle” imagery, until we reach the bottom and meet the remarkably femmy Flambeau. “Hello, sir. These items are for your stay in Finkton.”

Said items are a massive revolver called a hand cannon, a barrel of mana, and a pack of lockpicks. “Oooh, why, Flambeau! You know, you really can’t seduce a boy like that and expect to keep your clothes on!”

Elizabeth tries to strike up a conversation with Flambeau. “Why are we here-”

“I’m sorry, miss, but Mr. Fink’s interest is strictly in the gentleman.”

“Understandable,” I pipe in as I chug mana. “She’s not particularly interesting.”

“Hey!” yells Elizabeth. “This whole thing doesn’t strike me as a good idea, does it strike you as a good idea?”

“No, I’m pretty sure Flambeau’s gonna fuck us in the ass the second we turn our back.”

Flambeau says in a dull monologue, “We prefer the term ‘anally negotiate’.”

“Ooooof course you do.”

Flambeau, flam off.

Once in Finkton proper, we see the workers of Fink’s auctioning for jobs, and other such world building background events… at least until I hop on a skyhook by accident and piss off a cop.


Oh, well, at least I get to try out my new gun! Let’s see, load this in here, slot this in here, aim, and-


“… I just popped the biggest boner.”

“Too much information, Mr. DeWitt!”

Before the cops’ friends can get here, I hop inside the gunshop to find Chen Lin. On the way in, we pass an altar to Buddha with a big “FORESHADOWING” sign over it. Hmm, I wonder why!

Chen Lin is missing, but his wife is here, and weeping over Chen Lin. Seems the local constabulary has taken away Lin to the “Good Times” club. Goddammit, I am going to hunt these people down, and kill ANYONE who’s extending this sub-plot!

As we leave the gunshop, I’m still swearing under my breath. “Goddamn Daisy Fitzroy, wasting our fucking time…”

“Mr. DeWitt, do you hear that?”

“Goddamn Chen Lin, getting his stupid ass captured…”

“No, seriously, listen.”

“Goddamn Fink, just for being goddamn Fink…”

“I swear, it sounds like a heart beating… or maybe thumping.”

“Goddamn Comstock, building this stupid fucking city…”


“Goddamn Handyman, with his goddamn manly hands…”

So, thus begins my first battle with the cyborg Handyman! Well, come on, this is gonna be EASY! You’ve seen how I fight! I’ll just pull out my hand cannon and blast his head off-



“… Nothing happened, Mr. DeWi-”


It’s okay, I’ll just nail him with the hookdrill-



“… He just smashed you in to a wall, Mr. DeWitt.”

“Elizabeth, do you have anything useful to contribute?!”

“… Run away?”

Ooh, good plan! I pull out my hookdrill and hop on to the skyhook! Hah, try and punch me NOW you rust bucket- say, where did you get that ball of lightning?”



Wait, wait, I have a plan! I hop up to the skyhook, and just as he readies his electricity, I launch myself at him with a hookdrill strike!

Who’s laughing now, you stupid, son of a-“


“It’s not very effective, Mr. DeWitt-”


As I run, screaming, I toss myself at another skyhook, and-


– annnnd I’m dead.


Hey, resurrection, aisle three!

Okay, you asshole! After Elizabeth brings me back to life, it’s on! I’m gonna bitch slap you with your own giant hands- say, where did he go?


“Right behind me. Of course.”

After he smacks me across the room again, I’m once again almost dead. Great, I’ll just smother him with my own corpses-

“Mr. DeWitt! Quick, take this gun!”

A sniper rifle tumbles through the air towards me.

I flash a quick smile.

“Oh, Mr. Handyman, let’s play a little game! It’s called: ‘Guess Who Put Upgrades In To His Sniper Rifle’s Damage And Fire Rate’!”







“And, for a bonus round, ‘Guess Who Shouldn’t Have Installed A Transparent Plate Over His Heart, You Fucking Dumbass’!”

“HINT: It’s you. You fucking dumbass.”

A hush falls over the room.

“Mr. DeWitt, you may be a liar and a thug… but you do have a certain way around a brawl.”

“Yeah, I love you too.”

3 Responses to “Shockingly Finite, Part Twelve: I Fink, Therefore I Am”

  1. Tim Hurley December 10, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

    Foreshadowing and subplots comprise about 60% of any good story, so BioShock is on the right track. At least it’ll keep its narrative nice and tidy, and leave behind no unanswered questions or loose ends… at all… probably.


  1. Shockingly Finite, Part Thirteen: Theatre Is Dead | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 28, 2013

    […] A member of the rebel alliance stole my airship, and unfortunately, she refuses to respect the universal law of ‘Finders, Keepers’. She’ll give it back, but only if […]

  2. Shockingly Finite, Part Fourteen: A Piece Of The World Is Missing | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 1, 2014

    […] gunsmith, the key to getting the airship back from Daisy “The Revolution Will Not Be Simplified, And Neither Will The Plot” Fitzroy, has been ferreted away under the […]

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