The First Day Of Regretmas: Back To The Beginning

13 Dec

On the first day of Regretmas, my true love gave to me:

The first post that you’ve ev – er seen!

Hello, you degenerate motherfuckers, and merry Christmas, one and all! (Except that one guy. You know what you did.)

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, even if you don’t celebrate it! I mean, come on. Advent calendars? Women in sexy elf costumes? (It’s possible I imagined this one.) Free things without the chance of being arrested? The chance to sit on the laps of men who always keep their wallets in their front pockets? Genius.

But as the days go by, and the merry carolers gallivant by the windows and make me consider taking up self harm, I find myself dwelling more and more on the mistakes of my past.

(Not- not, you know, any big mistakes. I’m only 16, I haven’t had time for any of the fun ones yet.)

And so, after looking back at everything I’ve done in the last ‘almost-two-years’, I’ve decided I’m going to change things! That’s right, I’m not gonna write with pants on any longer!

Wait, no. I mean, I’m going to be taking the time to re-do some of my twelve biggest writing mistakes over the course of December. Where did that first thing even come from?

Good idea, though.

Damn you, pants! You’re just holding me back!

And, I figure, why not start with the mistake that started it all: My first post!

Hey, whats this? THE INTERNET. By the gods! As most people realize at one point or another, my life is weird. REALLY weird.  So I thought I would document it for future times. Also, it sounded like fun. Here we go!

If you listen very carefully, you can hear my vomiting in disgust.

Holy hell, did you even read that crap? It’s awkward, stupid, and pretentious! Why did any one even let me write?!

Oh right, all that blackmail material.

Ahem!

“You’re not making a believer out of me, son.” Detective Avery growled under her breath. She rapped her knuckles on the hard steel table as the light swung overhead.

“It wasn’t me, I swear to Christ!” sobbed Erik as he rocked back and forth in his chair. He shot a glance to the one way mirror, hoping for a friendly face, but only seeing his incredibly pale reflection. “Well. Actually, I’m not religious. So, swear to the nearest denominational deity?”

… Yeah, he’ll do.

Erik flashed a smile that he hoped was charming, but just ended up looking like a serial killer. “Look, there’s a reasonable explanation for all of this!”

Detective Avery slammed a file on to the desk with a thump. “According to the officers on the scene, they found you in the church, buck naked, screaming, surrounded by corpses and coated in gore! What’s the reasonable explanation for THAT?!”

“… We had a party?”

“Half of the corpses were raped after they died!”

“… A really fun party?”

Detective Avery longed ever so much that this interrogation wasn’t being recorded.

“Listen, you degenerate motherfucker, either tell me what happened, or we’re throwing you in a cell with the guy they call ‘The Puppeteer’!”

“Why do they call him that?”

“He takes new inmates, and shoves his fist up their-”

OKAY I THINK I GET IT.”

“MEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

The light dangling over their heads was slowing down, and Detective Avery took the time to smack it again. To keep things dramatic, you know.

“You have five minutes. Make up your mind: Tell us what happened, or you get to play Kermit for your own very special rendition of ‘A Boy And His Frog’.”

“Five minutes? Try closer to two years…” muttered Erik under his breath.

“What?”

“Nothing!” Erik hastily amended. “Is everything in here being recorded?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Because we are going to need one hell of a transcript after this. It all started with this house full of gay men…”

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13 Responses to “The First Day Of Regretmas: Back To The Beginning”

  1. Tim Hurley December 14, 2013 at 11:34 am #

    I think a certain someone just found out about ‘degenerate motherfucker’. I suspect that phrase will be cropping up in future posts quite a bit.

    • averystrangeplace December 14, 2013 at 1:15 pm #

      Well, it keeps showing up on all of my Christmas cards, so I figured I’d send you guys the love too!

      • Tim Hurley December 14, 2013 at 5:07 pm #

        I’ll be sure to include that heading in the card I’m sending your way. Also, you may find a strange white powder in the envelope…. Ignore it. Completely harmless, I swear.

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