The Second Day Of Regretmas: Twue Wuv

14 Dec

On the second day of Regretmas, my true love gave to me:

Lasers and love,

And the first post that you’ve ev – er seen!

Ho ho homoeroticism, and welcome back to Regretmas, where we dwell on all the reasons I’m utterly terrible!

What a cheery theme.

Today, I’d like to cast your mind back to the time of “nobody fucking cares”, way back to the first February! Ah, yes, where men were men, women were women, and the children are confused about what I’m referencing.

“Initially this was a loooong story about relationships and lasers, but it can be sumarized in 5 words. Lasers make the best gifts. For fun, try to imagine what the story entailed!”

Summarized. S- u- m- m- a- r- i- z- e- d. Summarized. Learn how to use your spell check, you ass.

The original story was, believe it or not, actually written! It was about those two twats who I kept writing about, back before I was bitter and disenfranchised, and after some serious soul searching (and by that, I mean I just opened the previous draft file), here it is!


“So, what did you get for Valentines Day?” asked Ben as he ate a chocolate from a frilly heart container. Not an actual gift, but he found lovers remarkably lax on their chocolate boxes once the festivities began, so it wasn’t hard to steal one.

[IN THIS CORNER: An irritating moron who steals candy from people while they’re fucking!]

“Nothing.” answered Erik, as he read his book. Fitting with the holiday, it was a romance novel, which he bought with the proceeds from the rings at the bottom of a dozen DQ drinks. “Did you get anything?”

[AND IN THIS CORNER: An irritating moron who steals engagement rings and ruins marriages!]


“Nah, I’m between girlfriends right now.” answered Ben. He took the rapper from the chocolate and whipped it at Dexter. Having recently ended up with a new girlfriend, who kissed him goodnight, Dexter was semi-comatose. “We should do something. Something love related.”

[“Wanna go have wacky mad cap adventures?”]

[“Eh, sure.”]

[This was clearly in the days before realistic dialogue was a thing.]

[Also, really? ‘Rapper’? Good god, come back when you’re prepared to take this writing thing seriously, kid.]

Erik flipped a page. “How about the ultimate gift? I got the equipment in a garage.”

[Not ‘my’ garage, just ‘a’ garage. What, did he steal some poor kid’s garage and has the stupid thing stashed in his apartment?]

Ben’s fingers snapped as he stood up. “Perfect! We’ll set up the Ultimate Valentines gift!”


Dexter’s eyes flew open at the sound. “We should invite Claire!”

[Unlike Dexter, Ben or Erik, Claire was the only one not named after an actual person, presumably because if she was, she’d tear my in to ribbons for being an ASS.]

Erik groaned audibly. “Fine. Meet us at the garage in 30 minutes.”


In Dexter’s eyes, Claire was a form of radiant beauty. Of course, Claire thought he was quite right in saying so.

[“But then again, Claire is an inhuman monster, so that’s to be expected.”]

Erik and Ben had already gotten whatever they wanted set up, and threw a tarp over it.

[… Gee. Thanks for skipping the scene where they got that, I guess.]

Ben nodded to Dexter and Claire as they came closer. “Nice of you to join us. We heard a lot about you, Claire.”

Her eyes gleamed. “Like what?”

Erik knew an opening when he heard one. “Oh, all sorts of things. You’re hot like a dynamo, and he wants to tear your clothes off and smack your tight little ass till you whinny like a horse.” Claire’s eyes bulged and she hiccuped. “Quoting.” finished Erik.


[I am going to find the version of me that wrote the phrase ‘tight little ass’, and lobotomise him with a spork.]

[Also, hey! Nice work, Erik, you’re just a little bit away from stealing that ‘unlikeable protagonist’ award from Ethan Safe!]

“Dexter?” Claire said in a deadly quiet voice.

“Of course,” added Erik. “That was only the family friendly stuff. He also called you a spicy little burrito, and you can light his fire any day.”

[That’s… that’s not even a thing people say. Do you have some kind of aphasia? Are you having a stroke? Can you follow my fingers?]

Dexter?! she snarled, as she grabbed his ear and threatened to tear it off.

[Ah, she’s a real gem, Dexter.]

Ben leapt in. “We have one thing left to do. Guys? Guys?!” Ben yelled shrilly as Claire readied her arm to smite Dexter, and Erik turned on ‘Eye of the tiger’ on his MP3 player. “Please, stop.” All groups involved stopped and stared at Ben, as he took a deep breath.

“All we have left to do is hook up the power core. OK? Can you two do that?” Dexter and Claire nodded curtly, and turned to the wall on the garage.

[Power core? POWER FUCKING CORE?! Is this garage installed on the motherfucking Enterprise?!]

[Editor’s Note: Well, actually, it’s called a Warp Core-]


Erik chimed in. “Maybe it’s better if you don’t do that there. This power grid is hooked up to the hospital. It could be a problem.”

[What’s the best way to make our protagonist likeable? I know! Taking an entire hospital off life support! Genius!]

Dexter marvelled. “What IS this thing?”

“You’ll find out. Just, go find another outlet. Goodbye!” said Ben as they stalked in to the distance. Barely 10 feet away Dexter and Claire, the 2 erupted in furious squabbling. The sounds of young love.

[… Says the guy who never had a girlfriend at the time this was written.]

“Ben?” whispered Erik over the noise. “We still have to wheel this in to position. Why didn’t they help us with that?”

“Honestly? I felt they needed some bonding-rom-com adventures to help the relationship.”

[“And by that, I just mean I think it’s hot when they fight.”]

“So what? This whole thing is a metaphor for adventure? That is the ultimate gift?”

“No. It’s still this.” To demonstrate, Ben kicked their contraption. Without a word, the 2 of them hefted the machine across the park.

[They were then killed by a homeless man, five minutes in to their journey.]

[It took two weeks for anyone to notice, and four more for anyone to care.]


By the time they reached the designated spot, they had more bruises and scrapes then a sack of kittens tossed in to traffic. Fortunately, they could wait and rest in till Dexter and Claire hooked the cord up. Unfortunately, that happened almost instantly. With a moan, Erik and Ben set to configuring the system. They heard the warring couple before they saw them, screaming obscenities at each other. By the time they reached the dozy duo, they were on the brink of madness.

[You know, there’s a difference between a relationship played up for laughs, and “this is an abusive, dark and twisted relationship, call the cops”.] 

Before Ben could get a word out, Claire was upon them. “Fuck you too. I hate you, and Dexter, and your goddamn machine. This is fun? This is what is romantic? I have never seen a less romantic concept in my entirety of living. I hate you, so much, if it wasn’t illegal I’d-”

[I am seriously scared right now.]

Erik thought she would just keep going, so he sneakily reached over and switched the love gift on. And what a gift it was. It even disrupted Claire in her tirade.

[What is it, a gun to put her out of my misery? Oh, but I kid. I know you have to torch an eldritch horror to keep it down!]

The gift was a wagon the size of a van, with 6 lasers, 6 fog machines, and 12 speakers and 1 mp3 player. Once hooked up, lasers, fog and techno pumped across the park. At point blank, not a single word could be heard over the noise. Even Claire couldn’t pierce through. As though waiting for a cue, a hoard of lovers and party goers swept up from the darkness, and the 2nd best party that year was held in the snow. Fortunately, the 1st greatest party that year was also put on by Erik and Ben, but that is a story for later.

[Hah hah, oh, assuming that you’re getting another story! You’re so funny!]

Ben had one conscience thought that night. As he crawled in to his bed, later that night, he thought “Wow, that was loud.”

[… Conscious. C- O- N- S- C- I- O- U- S. Buy a dictionary, you ass.] 

Erik only had 2 conscience thoughts that night. First was Claire’s thanks. At some point during the festivities, Claire pressed up against Erik and whispered “You’re right, Erik. Lasers make the best gifts.” before running back to Dexter. The other thought was laying in bed with a beautiful girl in his arms.

“Well. I should probably figure out who this is, in bed with me.”

[CONGRATULATIONS, you have officially won the ‘most unlikeable protagonist’ award! Your prize is a free go fuck yourself!] 


9 Responses to “The Second Day Of Regretmas: Twue Wuv”


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