The Fourth Day Of Regretmas: Baby’s First Cult

16 Dec

On the fourth day of Regretmas, my true love gave to me:

Children-a-cultin’,

I’m such a dick,

Lasers and love,

And the first post that you’ve ev – er seen!

I feel the need to emphasize that that is “cuLting”, not cutting. That’d be even worse, and welcome back to Regretmas! This time around, we’re looking back at the far gone mists of What Could Have Been!

See, I have a couple “Go To” stories whenever somebody starts goin’ on about how “unique” they are. (Trying to scrounge up some kind of self identity, YOU MAKE ME SICK.) You know, a standard display of one upsmanship!

(There is no way that’s a word.)

And one of said stories… is about that time I started a cult.

Well. Second time I started a cult.

“The Greater Good-” “SHUT IT!”

It all starts back in elementary school, a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Far before coming up with the idea of starting AVSP, but only a couple years before my brief escapade in to making zombie films- LOOK YOU ONLY GET ONE ORIGIN STORY AT A TIME.

The rain had been beating down for several days, with no signs of stopping, which ruined pretty much every idea of something to pass the time between utter, soul crushing classes. Even a riveting game of “Spin Until We Fall Down” proved fruitless!

“Man, Erik, I’m so bored!” said one of my compatriots.

“Yeah, when is it going to stop raining?” said the other.

“No, no, guys, it’s cool. I’m a god of the rain, watch.” I stand up, completely talking out of my ass, and throw my hands to the sky.

The thunder cracks.

Then, the rain stopped.

The friends turn to me, wide eyed and speechless.

“I AM ERIK, RAIN GOD! BOW BEFORE ME!”

And… they did.

“GO! GAIN SNACK FOODS AND CAUSE CHAOS IN MY NAME!”

“Yes, lord!”

“Be kind to your disciples!”

And they scurried off, to go steal pretty much anything that wasn’t nailed down.

This lasted… oh, for the better part of a year.

Our outfits weren’t nearly that cool.

I had my own little army of disciples, each one hand picked, and forced to engage in a series of challenges to prove their worth to me. There were ranks, and hierarchy, and rituals, and I swear I’m not making a single work of this up. The whole thing was utterly, utterly insane. Oh, not the fact that I was worshipped as a God, but that I never did anything dangerous with it.

The Cult Of Me was eventually disbanded when I realized how creepy it was, and we moved on to porn and violence, like normal pre-teens. And, ever since then, I can officially add “Was Worshipped As A Living God” to my resume.

One sec, I need to go add that to the ‘About’ page.

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7 Responses to “The Fourth Day Of Regretmas: Baby’s First Cult”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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  3. The Seventh Day Of Regretmas: Rhyming Fishes, Seuss Would Be Proud | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 19, 2013

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  4. The Eight Day Of Regretmas: The Obvious One | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 20, 2013

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