The Fifth Day Of Regretmas: Sharks Keep On Falling On My Head

17 Dec

On the fifth day of Regretmas, my true love gave to me:

Storm of rhy-ming sharks!

Children-a-cultin’,

I’m such a dick,

Lasers and love,

And the first post that you’ve ev – er seen!

Welcome, one and all, to the time of Regretmas!

And I really hope at this point, this intro is needless.

(I mean, come on now, it’s only twelve days!

Just read all the posts, and I won’t knife you, okay?)

Threatening knife wounds equals more viewers, right? I really hope so, I already scheduled the fight!

“Erik, why are you rhyming?”, you might very well ask.

Well, I’m about to explain, you interrupting ass!

One of my regrets was my Christmas post last year,

With carols and parodies and much Christmas cheer,

But the biggest problem was the lack of rhyming within,

… Or at least, that’s what I thought needed the most fixin’!

(Okay, FINE, that story was rough,

But so’s rhyming this intro, so okay, enough!)

Still, choosing to rhyme for a whole post is tricky.

I’ll need something to write about, so what shall I picky!

… Well, I think it’s obvious, the best movie ever made-o:

Ladies and gentlemen, I present, SHARKNADO!

This is clearly the greatest poster ever created, and I will personally beat anybody who hates it.

Sharknado, by Syfy, took the world by storm!

(A nice turn of phrase, considering what’s in store.)

But is such a film a monument to our time,

Or does it technically qualify as a war crime?

Let’s find out, after this long ass opening ends!

And yes, that last line was just to set up this, ahem!

The film opens with sharks, sucked in to a storm.

… This film wasted no time saying “fuck you” to the norm.

We cut to a boat, while ‘Made By The Asylum’ is boasted,

Good god, you’d admit? Damn, your balls receive a toast, sir!

Seriously, why would you admit this? Good god, if you were smart, you’d fucking dismiss it!

On the boat is the captain and an Asian business man,

Enjoying the captain’s trademark meal: Crap In A Pan!

They haggle a bit, but thanks to some threats,

The captain gets his money, for his sharks in his nets.

But before he can celebrate by fucking a shark,

A storm rolls in, and appropriately, everything goes dark!

Apparently, because this boat was hunting big fish,

The sharks rain from the skies, to murder and punish!

They gobble up crew members, in hilarious slapstick.

And the Asian guy steals the money, then gets eaten. So tragic.

The captain is confused by these sharks falling on his head,

‘Till one by one, they tear his face off, and zee captain is dead.

(Not, not this one, he’s too amazingly memetic. AND YES THERE’S A SLIGHT CHANCE I’VE BEEN READING ROMANTICALLY APOCALYPTIC.)

We cut to a beach, as the obnoxious credits play.

Surfers and stock footage and extras exploiting the day!

We’re introduced to two protagonists, Finn and Accent Guy.

Finn owns a bar, and the Accent… I dunno, here to die?

Inside the bar, we get our other main characters, o’ fearsome:

A barmaid and bar rat, and other bar ecosystem!

The waves keep on crashing and the sharks get nearer,

‘Till a shark nabs a surfer, where Finn can still hear her.

The beach is thrown in to chaos, or at least a close equivalent,

For the most part the beach goers look mostly ambivalent.

Finally, they realize this is a big fucking deal,

Especially when a shark takes a nip off Accent’s heel.

The Barmaid comes running, as Finn gets Accent a medic.

Then he asks how she’s doing, because “Hey, Accent, fuck it.”

“Yeah, I know a big monster just tore you to bits, but I mean, come on, this lady has tits.”

After Accent gets patched up by the medic officer surfer,

They all go to Finn’s bar to get utterly plastered.

Finn figures out that the storm scared all the sharks to the beach,

And hey, it’s good that that’s all it’ll do, at least!

Worried about what the storm could accomplish,

Finn calls up his ex-wife, who’s also a part time dumb bitch.

She refuses to leave town, or keep their daughter safe,

Which is the exact moment that the audience wants to punch her in the face!

Finn yells for everybody in the bar to go…

… Which is the exact moment a shark lands on the pool table.

Get it? A pool? Hah hah, so clever! Not clever enough so I actually CARE, however.

The shark wiggles around, thrashing his tail,

‘Till the Barmaid grabs a pool stick and quickly impales.

The waves rock the board-walk as the heroes grab tools,

Including the Bar Rat, who starts killing sharks with a stool!

That’s too badass, it’s hard to appeal!

Except, of course, when they start tossing around a fucking ferris wheel!

After the chaos, the storm starts to die down.

And to check on Finn’s family, the gang’s heading down town!

As they drive through the streets, flooded and full of stock footage

They see swarms of sharks, and are caught flat footed.

(Wait… swarms of sharks? OH GOD, NOT SHARK SWARM, ABANDON THE FILM!

GRAB ALL YOUR RIFLES, IT’S KILL OR BE KILLED!)

Don’t fire till you see the whites of their eyes! It’ll make their death funnier when you can see their surprise!

They’re driving along, hitting sharks as they ram,

Until they get stuck in a flooding traffic jam.

With sharks rising behind them, and waves up ahead,

It’s clear that one of the main characters is soon to be dead.

‘Tis the Bar Rat, it seems, going to the dirt nap!

When the shark swarm starts swarming, he mutters, “Oh, crap.”

A moment of silence for our drunkard, and stool,

And while you’re giving that moment, come back tomorrow, for part two!

6 Responses to “The Fifth Day Of Regretmas: Sharks Keep On Falling On My Head”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Sixth Day Of Regretmas: A Very Silent Hill Christmas | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 18, 2013

    […] Storm of rhy-ming sharks! […]

  2. The Seventh Day Of Regretmas: Rhyming Fishes, Seuss Would Be Proud | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 19, 2013

    […] Storm of rhy-ming sharks! […]

  3. The Eight Day Of Regretmas: The Obvious One | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 20, 2013

    […] Storm of rhy-ming sharks! […]

  4. The Ninth Day Of Regretmas: Outlasting The Holidays | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 21, 2013

    […] Storm of rhy-ming sharks! […]

  5. The Tenth Day Of Regretmas: Just Getting Meta | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 22, 2013

    […] Storm of rhy-ming sharks! […]

  6. The Twelfth Day Of Regretmas: The Final Countdown | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 24, 2013

    […] that we’re finally done with “The Twelve Days Of Regretmas”, I can honestly say that if anyone ever suggests […]

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