Shockingly Finite, Part Fourteen: A Piece Of The World Is Missing

31 Dec

Welcome back to Shockingly Finite, our multi-part analysis of Bioshock: Infinite! And yes, I AM writing this when everyone is out celebrating New Year’s Eve. Don’t worry, it only gets really depressing if I stop drinking.

shockinglyfinite

PREVIOUSLYON SHOCKINGLY FINITEOur gunsmith, the key to getting the airship back from Daisy “The Revolution Will Not Be Simplified, And Neither Will The Plot” Fitzroy, has been ferreted away under the Good Time club. All we have to do is go downstairs, and everything will be fantastic!

(Like, literally, fantastic.)

Ahem!

After playing through the parts of the fight that didn’t get caught in the auto-save (and isn’t that always fun), Elizabeth and I head backstage, only to find an “employee’s only” door. 

“Uh oh, it says ’employee’s only’, guess we can’t go, Elizabeth!”

“… Really?”

“No. Fuck this door.”

“Not literally, Elizabeth, and it really worries me that I have to say that.”

Once on the other side, we begin the descent in to the prison. (Yes, the prison is located under the theatre, and try to tell me that isn’t symbolism.) And of course, the first thing we hear is one of the guards trying to convince his female partner to, ahem, ride his skyline, so to speak.

[Editor’s Note: You’re terrible.]

Just try and stop me, little man! Try and stop me!

In accordance of the cartoon laws of karma, the man is the first to die with a swift *BRAM* to the head, and as for the woman, I simply smack her with the hookdrill!

… Which causes her to go flying… through the wall.

“Booker, what the fuck was that?!”

“Either Columbia was built on an Indian burial ground, something is causing reality to warp and distend around us… or I just bitch slapped Kitty Pryde.”

“Or possibly all three.”

I shrug my shoulders, and head to the door forward. And naturally, it’s held shut with a massive golden lock, in accordance to Comstock’s “Fuck Subtlety” initiative. Fortunately, Elizabeth had “a lot of time alone in that tower” (shudder), so I just ask her to-

“I can’t do that, Booker.”

“… Why not? Did you end up stuffing the lockpicks somewhere very inconvenient? Because, hey, I’m pretty sure we can just wash them off-”

“I can’t pick a lock when I’m in combat!”

“What combat? Do you mean the corpses- oh lord.”

I turn to the wall the guard fell through.

“You mean… she’s still alive?”

“Yep.”

“And we can’t get through the door until she’s dead?”

“Also yep.”

“And I still can’t shoot through a wall?”

“Three guesses to what my answer is.”

“Yep?”

“Yep.”

“Fuck.”

This is the second angriest I’ve ever been at a wall.

“Okay, so, I need to get her out of a wall. Any ideas, Elizabeth?”

“Shoot it?”

“It’s a fucking wall, Elizabeth, I’m pretty sure I can’t shoot it in to submission.”

“… Gonna try it anyway, huh.”

“YOU JUST SHUT RIGHT UP.”

Despite attempting to riddle the wall with *BRAMS*, nothing happens. (Not entirely sure what I expected, really.) But just to be sure, I tried Murder Of Crows and Shock Jockey, just to nail the point home.

“Okay, I know this is going to sound crazy, but hold still.”

“What are you doing with that hookdrill?”

“I’m gonna smack you in to the wall, see whether or not you can pull her out.”

“What?!”

“Don’t worry, it’s completely safe!”

“No, it isn’t!”

“Well, of course not, but you’re not supposed to KNOW that! Hold still!”

“Wait wait wait! Even if it works, I wouldn’t be able to get out myself!”

“See, I considered that, but I realized that getting to smack you upside your head would be pretty therapeutic, so I decided to go along with it.”

“Aiiiieeee!”

*THUNK*

“… Are you in the wall yet?”

“N- nOoOoOoOo…”

“One- more- time!”

“Not the face!”

*THUNK*

“Have you fallen through the riff yet?”

P- please stop…”

“What’s that? Couldn’t hear you!”

*THUNK*

“… A- a- all of a sudden, I don’t have a problem with opening that door any more…”

“Somehow, I knew you wouldn’t!”

Any plan that involves the gratuitous beating of Elizabeth can’t be all bad!

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2 Responses to “Shockingly Finite, Part Fourteen: A Piece Of The World Is Missing”

  1. Tim Hurley January 3, 2014 at 6:27 pm #

    I really, -really-, have to reiterate that the Canadian version is -nothing- like the American version.

    Also, this is the free game for Playstation Plus members in January, so I get to play through the whole thing again for a THIRD time! And the Elizabeth in this free version better damn well be the version you got!

    • averystrangeplace January 3, 2014 at 11:21 pm #

      Hey, it may SOUND like fun, but when you have to spend five hours beating Elizabeth to get her to open a door, you’ll finally realize… IT’S EVEN MORE FUN THAN IT SOUNDS.

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