Death, Life, Etcetera: Life Of Deaths Review, Part Two

2 Jan

Sometimes I hate this job.

Sigh.

Those of you who hate living may remember my review of the first episode of Life Of Deaths (that’s a slight against Regretmas, not Life Of Deaths). At the time, I dared to say it was “all right”, a move which got me repeatedly yelled at! AH YES THE DARING LIFE OF AN INTERNET REVIEWER.

So when the next episode came out, I naturally decided to plug my ears and hum away the pain… until people started yelling at me to review that. I just can’t win with you fuckers, can I!

So… by popular demand: Life Of Deaths, Episode 2.

Sigh.

Episode two opens with a re-cap that… manages to hit every note in episode one, AND cut down the terrible CGI! Damn! Could this whole thing be told in “Previously On” segments?

And then we cut to Michael being bullied by the high school quarterback, because we just did the Time Warp, and now we’re in the 60’s era Spider-Man comics. Seriously, do bullies still do that? Whenever somebody tries to bully me, they usually just stick with calling me gay.

So Flash Thomson manages to land… a pretty convincing punch, actually, and walks away as the bell rings. Um. Look, dude, we went to the same high school together, and our bell does not sound like that. It sounds like an Xbox trying to hold off orgasming, or the Jeopardy buzzer with a bad cough.

As Michael ices his black eye, he and his mother have a meeting with… holy crap, is that God from episode one? Apparently, when he decided to make people in God’s image, he did it with a colour printer.

Shove a human in one end, pull babies out the other!

God 2.0 goes on about sending Michael to summer school because of his marks, and he protests that Flash keeps stealing his work, and the mother makes a couple cringe worthy gay jokes- OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE HOLD THE DAMN CAMERA STILL. I barely even USE my camera, and even I bought a fucking tri-pod!

After considering a series of the least likely suicide attempts ever (yes, crush your head with a plastic chair, that’s sure to work), Michael goes to the bathroom, but has to dash in to the girl’s bathroom. Oh, what wacky shenanigans! That silly Michael, always trying to kill himself!

Some girls come in, so Michael hides in the stalls… and we’re treated to a male writer, trying to write female dialogue… acted by a human personification of blandness… and someone who just can’t freaking act.

Oh god.

Kill me now.

Killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillme.

Killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillme.

They go on about how “hot” Flash is, and we reveal that the bland one was Michael’s ex, and the one currently dating Flash. They proceed to, A) disparage Michael, and B) work to set women’s rights back fifty years.

Then… Michael starts recapping everything we already know?

So, we have a recap of everything we’ve just learnt, an unlikeable protagonist, poorly thought out back-story, and horribly written female characters?

Good god, this is Brighter Futurin stereo.

Look, I know what happened, and I know these are easy mistakes to make! I made them too, just go and check out my Brighter Future stuff for proof! I’ve made all of the same mistakes, and I like to think I’ve learnt from them, but really, you guys will have to be the judge of that.

Like, okay, Michael? If the entire story is revolving around him, his suicides and his redemption, then you need to make him either a tragic individual who’s suffering is the stuff of legends, or a kind of dark comedian who’s entertaining to watch no matter where he is on his character arc. But this? He’s whiny and melodramatic! I swear, I was joking about the Flash Thomson, but you’ve given us basically all the whiny parts of a pre-character development Peter Parker, but instead of spider powers, he just turned in to “Kill Myself Lad”!

Then, you’ve got the villain… or, well, I ASSUME he’s a villain. (He’s the closest thing to an antagonist thus far, anyway.) Flash is a complete cardboard cut-out, and- one sec, have to delve in to the archives for this next bit.

In the Madhere second arc, The Lesbians Come Marching InAlthea filled a similar role: Character who’s only real purpose is to cause conflict. But I realized that, and tried to give her a little more depth, and some motivation for her actions: She’s in love with Darren, and found herself in a perfect opportunity to put a wedge between him and Lilah. That’s why she’s here, that’s what motivates her character for the time being, that’s why she’s being focused on the plot, and that’s why you should care about her.

I COULD have just left her a blank faced trollop, but by adding that character wrinkle, it makes things just that much more interesting! But Flash? Nothing! Oh, and don’t even say “well, they have a pretty short run time”, if they can fit in a narration recap about the last five minutes, they can fit one in about this guys backstory.

Maybe Michael did something did him! Maybe he started a kind of “let’s make fun of Michael” joke years ago, but the sort of thing mutated in to actual antagonism, and now Flash has to do it to keep up appearances! MAYBE HE JUST WANTS TO HUMP HIM.

Hell, that last one worked well enough for Dumbing Of Age.

Been waiting to reference Dumbing Of Age FOR SO LONG YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Sigh.

Okay, where were we?

Oh, right! Peter Parker- er, Michael, starts cursing Stan Lee- er, Mephisto- er, God, and decides to kill himself again. He considers hanging with toilet paper, but elects otherwise on the grounds that that is fucking dumb, and instead tries to drown himself. The whole “immortality” thing comes back to bite him in the ass, though.

After coughing and sputtering, the girls finally notice Michael’s in there, and he gets up, soaking and miserable, and wordlessly leaves.

Okay, now that part’s funny.

But the comedy is ruined when he steps outside and runs in to Flash again. And, unfortunately, there is no positive twist one can put on “tried to drown myself in the woman’s toilet”, so I’m pretty sure his self esteem has taken the most damage today.

And, of course, his mother shows up and starts offering fun facts about how Parker once pissed himself because of a clown, because she’s the worst mother ever, and Flash starts calling him Piss Clown to close off our second episode!

So… how was it?

Sigh.

I really, really feel bad, reviewing this. And I just KNOW that somebody is going to yell at me for this, and you know what, they probably should!

This really feels LIKE it’s their first big project, at least writing wise. (Which is really the only thing I’m qualified to comment on.) The acting is, well, expected for the kind of project this is, and they handle what they’re given well! (Including Parker, who is slowly growing on me, like a fine lichen.)

Apart from the aforementioned wobbling camera, which I’m pretty sure was deliberate, the cinematography is okay, and the soundtrack is actually way better than episode one! Really, all around it’s better than episode one, it’s just… that writing… that writing…

Really, my only hope is that the writer in the future is going to look back on this and laugh at what he wrote.

Oh god, they’re so going to yell at me again.

Sigh.

Advertisements

9 Responses to “Death, Life, Etcetera: Life Of Deaths Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Death Doesn’t Become Him, Or Her, Or Anyone Else Here: Life Of Deaths, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 11, 2014

    […] ON LIFE OF DEATHS: Dude, seriously? There’s a recap at the beginning of the episode, do you […]

  2. Up The Creek Without A Paddle: Sarah Review | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 16, 2014

    […] Of Deaths, where the terrible… everything was just front and centre, Sarah has a somewhat […]

  3. Good Old Days | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 17, 2014

    […] remember when I used to review video games and terrible horror movies instead of dreadful student […]

  4. Because I Could Not Mock For Death, He Kindly Mocked For Me: Life Of Deaths, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 26, 2014

    […] lot has changed since I last reviewed that web series: I finally became a professional writer, somebody involved in the creative process […]

  5. Dead Man Whining: Life Of Deaths, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 2, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: The Amazing Whiny Man, Peter Parker, and his incredible power to rewind the plot- er, I […]

  6. None Of These Are A Good Day To Die: Life Of Deaths, Part Six | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 9, 2014

    […] On Life Of Deaths: Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, has managed to save his ex-girlfriend from […]

  7. When There’s No More Room To Whine, The Dead Will Walk The Earth: Life Of Deaths, Part Seven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 10, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: Due to the sheer power of Life Of Deaths’ marketing genius (hah hah hah […]

  8. Dying Is Easy, Comedy’s Hard: Life Of Deaths, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 17, 2014

    […] Previously, on Life Of Deaths: The might of the U.S government (and by that, I mean two character actors) have fallen against Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, and his girlfriend, Gwen Stacy of Borg. Wait, “girlfriend”? Yes, it turns out all it takes to make up for being a total heartless bitch is also being completely fucking vacuous! […]

  9. Death Is Only The Beginning: Life Of Deaths Review, Part Nine | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 2, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny Man, is shacking up with Gwen Stacy of Borg, to […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: