Death Doesn’t Become Him, Or Her, Or Anyone Else Here: Life Of Deaths, Part Three

11 Jan

Oh god, we’re back at Life Of Deaths. Well… I suppose if we’re going to be buggered, let’s be buggered for what we really are!

PREVIOUSLY, ON LIFE OF DEATHS: Dude, seriously? There’s a recap at the beginning of the episode, do you really need me to say it?

You do?

Well, fuck you too.

Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiner-Man, decided to kill himself because his ex-girlfriend, Gwen Stacy (might as well continue my naming scheme), is dating Flash Thomson, his bully. Unfortunately for him, God decided it was ‘Let’s Fuck With Dead People’ day and brought him back to life, and will only let him die if he kills himself in a particularly interesting fashion. Which, considering that God is both omnipotent and omniscient, is kind of like challenging somebody to guess what number you’re thinking of between deoxyribonucleic acid and kiwi.

And, just so I don’t surprise you later and give you a heart attack, I’m reviewing TWO episodes today! Yes, yes, feel free to orgasm in delight.

Ahem!

After another recap that manages to be a better “episode two” than the actual episode, we cut to Parker trying to cut his own head off with an axe. Because if there’s one great way to start an episode, it’s by ripping off Cyanide And Happiness!

Oh, PLEASE. The only “hardcore” thing about Parker is his hardcore sucking skills, and no, I don’t mean that he’s great at oral sex. Hell, he wouldn’t be single if he had those.

And, you know, this is really pissing me off! This series has no idea how injuries work, which is kind of a problem when you base your series around injuries! Like, what the fuck is he expecting to do here, give himself a close shave? It can’t be to decapitate him, because he doesn’t have anything to prop his head on (you know, like in the damn cartoon) and are we supposed to believe he could do the job anyway? He has the upper arm strength of a really determined gnat, or maybe a dead bird!

And it’s not just here, either, look back at episode one: The way he’s swinging that knife around (which is probably way too dull to do the job, because almost no one keeps their knives that sharp, especially at a child’s birthday party), it’s pretty obvious he’s aiming for the jugular vein. Now, first of all, the odds of him hitting it in one try, with a vertical blade, and actually managing to pierce either the external or internal jugular vein is slightly less then the odds of him just happening to split an atom with the knife by accident.

But, you know what, I can buy that! Let’s say, he knew where the vein was, he was confident in his aiming abilities, and the knife was kept sharp on purpose because fuck children. Well, that still wouldn’t work, because slicing open a jugular is not that fucking clean. I mean, you’re cutting open a jugular! The thing that blood comes out of! The second he put the knife in, he should have turned in to a red fucking sprinkler!

*tsch, tsch, tsch, tsch, tsch, tschchchchchchch, tsch, tsch, tsch, tsch…*

And hell, even if they just couldn’t afford that effect, it still takes between two to five minutes to die! Are you telling me nobody would notice that? Just how good IS that clown, if he’s more exciting than a flailing screaming dying man?

So, we have three options: Either God brought him back from the dead and took the time to clean everything off, God just jumped back time by a couple seconds (which, in my opinion, is the best option), or God teleported him to heaven just before he actually did the deed, instead of going to heaven naturally. The first is uninspired and uninteresting, the second gives the air of a Groundhog Day-esque futility, and the third kind of pulls the rug out of any tragic comedy of the character.

“NO KILLING YOURSELF.”

“But I didn’t.”

“… Fuck.”

God then spent five minutes thinking, then sent him to hell anyway for the fun of it.

Anyway, now that my author filibuster is over with, back to the episode! Gwen interrupts Parker’s most poorly thought out suicide yet, and starts trying to apologize about how much of a bitch she’s being. Not even an ounce of lip service is given for how she got in to his bedroom, so we have to assume she just broke in and the mother was going to call the cops, but got distracted by an interesting cloud or a drawing of a bunny.

Gwen tries to excuse herself for the whole “dumping you because I wanna be popular”, and if you can say that without gagging than you’re either some kind of living personification of teenage vacuousness or the writer for this episode. And in the face of such a force of personality, Parker and his dubbing toss her out on her ass.

But just as she leaves, Parker’s best friend… Harry Osborn (yesssss, the naming scheme lives on!) comes in to talk about his cousin dying. You know, that’s sad and all… but how do you people keep getting in here?! Is there just some kind of open door policy on his house? Dude, hire a bouncer!

Parker asks how Osborn died, and he tells him that his cousin died from a drug overdose… which of course means that he immediately starts thinking about deliberately O.Ding. Yes, yes, because if there’s one thing you should do when looking for an “interesting” way to die is to steal your idea from somebody else, be it Cyanide And Happiness or an actual fucking dead guy!

“Wait a second, drugs! That’s it! Practically everything these days is laced with something that can kill you! Weed, cocaine, meth- I could overdose on cough syrup!”

Well, yes, but considering that only a fraction of over-the-counter cough syrups contains the dextromethorphan necessary for a fatality, and the fact that it takes a frankly unreasonable amount for a fatality, you might as well say “If I ate enough phones, I’ll die of malnutrition!”. Although you’re absolutely correct, I can think of a lot easier ways to do it!

Annnnnnd now my web history is filled with drugs. Thanks for that.

After Osborn mentions his drug dealer, just before walking away because he’s distracted by the same cloud as the mother, Parker starts fiddling with Osborn’s phone in a way that the music tells us is supposed to be suspenseful… just before Osborn comes back to tell Parker he has to go!

Well, thanks for advancing the plot, I guess.

He calls up K-Dog (oh for fuck’s sake), and tells him to “give me all the shit you got” and “this is going to be one crazy night” completely without irony, because Life Without Any Damn Deaths hates me personally. So, using the power of montage, Parker buys his drugs from the most stereotypical drug dealer ever, before the editor goes in to his own little psychosis, after which Parker wakes up surrounded by empty pill bottles but otherwise fine.

Which… means that option one, the “God Can Just Resurrect The Dead And Clear Away The Plot Holes With One Move, Okay?!” theory was the right one! So, what, God can completely violate the laws of nature, pervert life and death for his own amusement and put someone in their own living hell, but can’t give someone a steady girlfriend? God is an asshole!

Alright, so on to the next episode! And, this is just kinda petty of me, but I can’t help but giggling as the view count gets lower and lower and lower with each episode. God, that’s just hilarious depressing.

Blah blah blah, recap recap recap, and we’re on! Back in the living hell that is life (of deaths), Flash is smashing Peter against a locker over and over again while calling him a “piss clown”. Good god, is that an insult, or are you just requesting your increasingly bizarre fetish?

After going on far, far longer than is needed, Proto-God the Counsellor chides Parker for being late for class… while he watches Flash actively assault him. Okay, it’s official, this is Hell. No, seriously, Parker died when he stabbed himself, and everything else here is his punishment as he roasts in Hell! It makes as much sense as everything else!

(Please please please please don’t tell me that’s accurate, I might just cry.)

Parker makes it to class, only to find Proto-God… somehow got there before him, calls him a piss clown, and ignores it as Flash assaults him again?

Either this is Hell for Parker, or it’s hell for me.

Or possibly both.

Proto-God starts going on about Christianity, and how in some religions, homosexuality, abortions, and suicide are all viewed as sins- wait, what?! These are all viewed equally in this universe?! Hey, look, people in real life, I don’t care what your beliefs about this kind of thing are. Whatever makes you happy, I’m all for that… except when your punishment to one sin, and by extension all others, is to trap them in their worse nightmare! 

Parker doesn’t want to live any more, so what does God do? Make him live forever! So what happens to the other sins? If somebody’s gay, does God send a hoard of women to rape them?! If somebody doesn’t want to carry a child, does he give her a fucking chestburster?! And hey, for that matter, we have no reason to believe he doesn’t do this to EVERYBODY! We can obviously see him pretty pissed off that humans “denied his wishes” in episode one, so why shouldn’t we believe he hates everyone who does that? There’s nothing special about Parker! So, yeah, this is a world where God will horribly torment and punish anyone who doesn’t believe what he believes, and yeah, considering his rant in episode one, that’s exactly what he means! And considering my rant in episode one, he can change this with absolutely no effort on his part, because, oh yeah, HE’S FUCKING OMNIPOTENT!

And he’s supposed to be the good guy!

For once, Parker seems to realize this, and starts thinking about how stupid it is that God’s sending him back to Earth to kill himself if God hates suicide (never realizing that this is the kind of ironic punishment deities get a hard-on over), and starts thinking about how much of a dick God is, until God suddenly appears where Proto-God is. What’s that, Proto-God is God?

GASP!

God sticks around just long enough for Parker to say that death would be easier, (Than watching this series? I don’t doubt it.) before disapearing again, and Proto-God sending him to the principal’s office. So, what, he just did that because Parker was thinking insulting things about him?

*looks up at previous monologue*

Oh, bring it on, you mono-theistic motherfucker.

We then cut to Osborn once again finding his way in to Parker’s room… only to find Parker raving like a mad man and swinging a chainsaw at his own head. Hey, I think he’s finally becoming a likeable protagonist!

He starts revving the thing and swinging it around- oh, sorry, did I say “revving”? I mean “dubbing in the chainsaw sound effect while the thing is clearly not actually running”. You… you DO know you could have just shown Parker pulling the cord, then cutting downstairs to the mother ignoring him like you already did anyway? Oi vey, who knew the man who couldn’t edit if you put a gun to his head and Windows Movie Maker in his pants would have to explain a basic editing trick.

If you can’t afford to run the chainsaw… DON’T TRY TO WRITE IN A CHAINSAW.

So, Parker slices himself to ribbons… and yet, there’s not a drop of fucking blood, because apparently cardiovascular systems just don’t exist in this universe! Parker reappears behind Osborn and starts ranting about the insanity of the situation, taking the time to mention that he did indeed die in episode one, so yeah, they cut out about five minutes of him screaming and squirting blood all over that birthday cake.

There’s more screaming about how sadistic God is, and how he won’t let Parker in to heaven until he impresses him with a suicide- you know, the deal was only that he couldn’t kill himself in to heaven, there’s no rule saying he can’t have somebody else kill him! Hell, call Flash up, make it a date!

After this discussion about how Parker’s life is a Lovecraftian fever dream, they decide to head out for ice cream. Parker’s mother decides to head up to his room, and finds- no, not his bloody corpse, but the left over drugs. Oh, because OF COURSE he’ll just leave those out. It’s not as if his bedroom is a damn social hotspot!

Upon seeing the drugs, the mother goes downstairs to her 1910 era pay phone, and calls up… ROBERT.

OH GOD NO NOT ROBERT ANYTHING BUT ROBERT AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

Who’s Robert?

And, far more importantly, who the hell owns a phone like this?!

So, that’s episodes three and four of Life Of Deaths! Annnnnd three guesses what I thought about it!

Yes, wombat. I thought it was wombat, I watched the whole thing and I thought it was WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Okay, fine, the third episode was dreadful, with terrible editing and dubbing and acting and writing and yeah, I think I’ve made my point. Hell, if you cut the whole damn episode out, the only thing you’d miss is the worst gangster name ever.

But, I am nothing if not fair, and I think episode four is a good sign for the series! It’s starting to develop the kind of dark humour I always thought it was missing, and sure, the editing/writing/dubbing/special effects are still struggling, but hey! Uphill, dude! Uphill!

I just have to wonder, how will the creators react to me after this? I mean, there’s probably going to be yelling! Swearing! Death threats! All kind of insults after I tear apart their beloved series-

FACEBOOK NOTIFICATION: YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO THE EXCLUSIVE LIFE OF DEATHS SCREENING PARTY.

I officially don’t know how the world works any more.

8 Responses to “Death Doesn’t Become Him, Or Her, Or Anyone Else Here: Life Of Deaths, Part Three”

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