Because I Could Not Mock For Death, He Kindly Mocked For Me: Life Of Deaths, Part Four

26 Jan

Alright, you degenerate motherfuckers, get out your fake chainsaws and denounce a kind and loving God, because we’re looking at Life Of Deaths!

A lot has changed since I last reviewed that web series: I finally became a professional writer, somebody involved in the creative process started swearing at me and comparing me to genocide, Peter Parker started working for a drug dealer in that incredibly sexist student film, and I was elected the “official” Life Of Deaths reviewer! Now, that’s either a show of conciliation, a poorly thought out bribe, or they’re coming on to me. But, hey, it may be flattering, but it won’t stop me from doing my job!

[Editor’s Note: You mean “being an ass”, right?]

Yeah, pretty much.

PREVIOUSLY, ON Life Of Deaths: Peter Parker, the incredible Whiny-Man, has been granted suicidal immortality because God is secretly the Devil in disguise, or at least that’s my theory. His life is a living hell, authority figures are either drug dealers, pot heads or God in disguise, his ex-girlfriend is only capable of dull surprise, and even worse, his view count is getting lower and lower!

Ahem!

After yet another “previously on” segment (I swear, you could string all this crap together and make “Life Of Deaths: The Abridged Series”), we open with a beautiful field! The sun is shining, and birds are singing, and… well. We get what might be the greatest background song ever, and I quote:

“Fuck that pussy. Dick cock ass shit bitch fuck c**t whoa ni**er bitch fuck cock bitch fuck motherfucker’s don’t dope on me fucking gee motherfucker fucking ni**er fucking mothers pussy, TITTIES, pussy, TITTIES, eat that fuck!”

It’s… it’s so beautiful.

They should have sent a poet.

They should have sent a poet.

Anyway, while you’re still crying tears of joy, it seems K-Dog (ugh), that drug dealer who sold Parker the drugs in episode episode three, is meeting his boss in the middle of a field, like a cool gangsters do nowadays! (Oh, what am I talking about, this is Winnipeg, 90% of the fucking city is a field.)

K-Dog (ugh), now with a completely different nonsensical dubbing that is quite clearly from somebody of a different age, ethnicity, nationality, and possibly plane of existence, is confessing to his boss… Carnage, (yessss, the naming scheme shall never die!) about how Parker still hasn’t paid him the 5000 dollars he owes him- wait, what?! Some whiny brat you’ve never seen before asks for 5000 dollars worth of drugs, and you just figure he’s good for it? Holy fuck, you can’t even drugs.

Carnage, with his gang tattoos obviously drawn on with Sharpie and his henchman who’s only job is to carry his bag of flour at all times, is obviously a little incredulous that a big tough… well, tough in comparison to Carnage, who looks like he could be pushed over in a strong wind and probably has brittle bird bones, and… I forget where this sentence was going. Anyway, Carnage fills K-Dog with more holes than Insidious’s plot.

The flour minion tottles off to go hide the body while Carnage pledges vengeance against “whoever” stole his money… cut to Parker, in leopard print footie pyjamas.

Okay, that’s funny.

He gets some cereal, pours some syrup on the camera, and generally acts like he didn’t just go crashing through his Despair Event Horizon last episode. What, don’t you remember that? You were taunted by God? Driven to near insanity by your immortality? Chopped off your own head with a chainsaw? Jesus christ, how good was that ice cream?

Either that, or him and Osborn did a little more when they were running out for ice cream, ahem!

Gwen Stacy shows up, and after some nice editing, he’s switched in to some actual clothes. Naturally, like any man greeted by his ex-girlfriend early in the morning, he insults her and closes the door- no, wait, he invites her in to chat. And like any woman who’s been having some serious relationship trouble, she asks her friends about it- no, also wait, she heads over to her ex’s house to bother him about the guy who she’s fucking! Ah, the miraculous wonders of only having about six people in your cast.

Seems like Flash Thomson has been doing a lot of drugs lately, which has “completely changed his personality” (what, you claim he has one?), and she’s come to Parker for help. He, naturally, suggests dumping him because that’s what’s going to happen when you ask your ex for advice on your new relationship, and she equally naturally says she can’t because Flash is the quarterback, because she’s a fucking reprehensible human being!

Gwen kisses him on the cheek, because cheating on one boyfriend just isn’t enough and she’s going to the high score, and leaves in to the… night, apparently! It was breakfast time a minute ago, what the fuck happened to the sun?

The next… day? Week? Month? Five minutes later? Two years in the past? Look, don’t ask, space is warped and time is bendable. Anyway, Parker challenges to Flash to fight outside the school… which, if you’re implying that this is the school they go to, is impossible, as that one is clearly on the second floor and this one only has one floor! What, did they let you film inside that one school, but couldn’t let you outside because you just ruined their street cred?

(Incidentally, this is the also next to the parking lot, bench, and drug deal location they used in Sarah, which I think means that they exist in the same universe. So, does that mean Parker is about to put on his plaid shorts and work for Carnage? One can only hope. It might liven the fucker up.)

Parker, without the use of his Spider Sense (all he has is Whiner Sense, and that’s not as useful in a fight), gets his ass kicked by Flash, until Parker’s mom shows up to pick him up. And, despite the fact that this timely intervention is the only reason he didn’t end up shoved up his own ass, he still takes the time to taunt Flash over how Stacy will dump him soon, because self preservation goes out the window the second you become immortal.

Later, in this undecipherable void they call “time”, Parker is getting a call from Gwen Stacy telling him to meet her under the Plot Relevant Bridge. He agrees and hangs up… and then it’s revealed that the flour henchman and Flash have kidnapped Gwen Stacy!

“This…” Flash says, as he creepily strokes her. “… Is gonna be… a blast.”

W- what’s that? Is… is something actually happening?!

HUZZAH!

Okay, look, I don’t care what else was bad about this (the writing, the dubbing, the acting, Gwen Stacy seems blander and blander whenever she’s not actually being a bitch, Parker’s characterization up to this point was completely thrown out the window, time has just started weeping and mumbling the safe word in the corner, if you’re curious), but the good (a sense of flow, clear antagonist, a sense of progress, that rap song) has definitely made this the best episode thus far! I’m actually looking forward to the next episode!

I hope I don’t regret saying that.

5 Responses to “Because I Could Not Mock For Death, He Kindly Mocked For Me: Life Of Deaths, Part Four”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Dead Man Whining: Life Of Deaths, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 2, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: The Amazing Whiny Man, Peter Parker, and his incredible power to rewind the plot- er, I mean, […]

  2. None Of These Are A Good Day To Die: Life Of Deaths, Part Six | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 9, 2014

    […] On Life Of Deaths: Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, has managed to save his ex-girlfriend from the Legion […]

  3. When There’s No More Room To Whine, The Dead Will Walk The Earth: Life Of Deaths, Part Seven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 10, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: Due to the sheer power of Life Of Deaths’ marketing genius (hah hah hah […]

  4. Dying Is Easy, Comedy’s Hard: Life Of Deaths, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 17, 2014

    […] Previously, on Life Of Deaths: The might of the U.S government (and by that, I mean two character actors) have fallen against Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, and his girlfriend, Gwen Stacy of Borg. Wait, “girlfriend”? Yes, it turns out all it takes to make up for being a total heartless bitch is also being completely fucking vacuous! […]

  5. Death Is Only The Beginning: Life Of Deaths Review, Part Nine | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 2, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny Man, is shacking up with Gwen Stacy of Borg, to whom […]

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