Hot Gay Sex 2, Electric Boogaloo: 1313 Frankenqueen Review, Part One

30 Jan

Breathe in, breathe out… breathe in, breathe out…

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen… we’re back at 1313.

Run, you fools.

You might remember my review of 1313: UFO Invasion, which I reviewed almost a year ago! If you don’t remember it, don’t worry, you’re not missing much. That was back in the days when a review would take about five minutes to write and was about as funny as fetal alcohol syndrome.

(So, no difference.)

The 1313 series is, essentially, soft core gay porn, but remains an absolute enigma, with Netflix consistently uploading 1313 movies, and assigning them to any genre that holds still long enough. So today, we’re handling 1313: Frankenqueen, because “Horror” drew the short straw this week!

Ahem!

We open with some jive soundtrack over the opening credits, as it proudly displays it’s title: Frankenqueen, in all it’s obscene glory. Good god, it sounds like the title of some kind of porn- oh wait.

Anyway, we actually open with an establishing shot of the house as two men in tiny shorts and no shirts walk up, showing off their abs- er, I mean, “acting ability”. They trade some anaemic exposition, including names and homo-erotic subtext, and go on about how they’re getting paid to be guinea pigs for “the Kardashian of Plastic Surgery”. Wait, what the fuck does that mean? She’s been in a sex tape? She’s won the Guiness World Record for shortest marriage? She has no idea what it’s like to be human-

“She’s all about how the pieces fit, she has no idea what it’s like to be human.”

… Huh.

… Burn?

The duo are let in by yet another hunky (strictly objective, of course) guy without a shirt, who invites one to avail himself to the pool (nice sly pick-up line, buddy, nine out of ten), and calls the other one a tool. Justified, perhaps, but it’d be more appropriate if you said that about every single living thing in this fucking movie. As well as the inanimate objects. And anyone who says “1313” three times in a mirror.

The pool guy passes two other shirtless dicks, one of whom leaves to go workout for no other reason than to brag to the others about his abs. Abs are a form of currency in this universe, understand. Anyway, the other guy, Sunglass Douche explains to Pool Prick about how they have a bet running about who’ll get to boink the plastic surgeon first, and the winner will receive 100 Ab Bucks, payable upfront, and gathered from the chests of very enthusiastic slave boys.

The suspicious one, dubbed Senior Subtlety, hides away in his room and very discreetly (coughcough) pulls out his cell phone. Seems whoever’s on the other line is paying big abs for this guy to infiltrate this place and find a “dry fusion laser”, and- wait, what?! A), what the fuck does that have to do with plastic surgery, and B), according to my Google searches, that’s not an actual thing! Apparently, “dry fusion” is a brand of carpet, so maybe this guy’s just trying to figure out if it matches the drapes.

[Editor’s Note: … I can’t believe you just said that.]

THAT’S WHAT THIS FUCKING MOVIE IS DOING TO ME.

Just... just no.

Kill me now, before it spreads!

We cut downstairs to the weight room, with Sunglass Douche asking Workout Wanker to explain his backstory. This is, of course, while they flex their abs and moan in exertion because how else are straight women and gay men supposed to pay attention? Well. I suppose Sunglass Douche very unsubtly asking him about his penis will have to tide them over.

(Oooh, filled out my cock joke quota for this quarter, the CEO is going to be thrilled.)

(The CEO is me.)

Outside, we see one of the shirtless models, one of the ones whom I haven’t given a name to yet, walking very, very slowly… one step… then the next step… then the next step… then the next step…

Then we’re inside… and we’re walking… we’re walking… we’re walking… we’re walking… different shot inside… and we’re walking… and we’re walking… and- wait, why do they just have a model car sitting in the living room? Were they gonna go drag racing if this whole “gay porn” thing didn’t work out?

We cut to him outside… as he walks… and walks… now he’s inside… and he’s walking… and he’s walking… and he’s walking… and he’s walking… yeah, better get used to this, 90% of all 1313 movies consist of these shots. And the rest is stock footage of nipples.

He wanders in to the bedroom, the same one from UFO Invasion just in case you thought there was any actual difference between these movies. So, yes, feel free to turn your back on a kind and loving God. And just in case you think that “hey, maybe it’s not that bad”, we see shots of him walking in to the bedroom five motherfucking times until you start contemplating taking up self harm.

On the other side of the house, a point of view shot that is revealed to be the plastic surgeon, Dr. Kardashian (I am not calling her Frankenqueen. Fuck that.), starts very slowly walking… and walking… and walking… and walking over to the bedroom while the soundtrack tries to convince us that this is ominous. It fails.

MISERABLY.

When she finally makes it over in her big, click-clacky high heels (you know, like all doctors have!), she takes out a little desk light and slowly moves it back and forth over his abs… back and forth… back… and forth, all while the camera lovingly takes the time to detail each and every contour of his chest and package. Oh, joy, I’m spending my spare time staring at some strange man’s junk. I’ve officially hit rock bottom.

She does this about six fucking times, till I could draw this man’s cock from fucking memory if I had do, till we cut to him slowly… slowly… slowly… slowly… slowly… slowly… slowly… slowly… walking around the pool outside… and we’re walking… and we’re walking… and we’re walking… OH GOD HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS DAMN MOVIE?!

[Editor’s Note: 58 minutes.]

Breathe in, breathe out… breathe in, breath out…

Here, stare at this picture for two hours while punching yourself in the nads and/or ovaries, and you’ve perfectly recreated the experience of watching this “movie”.

 

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4 Responses to “Hot Gay Sex 2, Electric Boogaloo: 1313 Frankenqueen Review, Part One”

  1. Tim Hurley January 31, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

    You know, Netflix is probably only offering these movies because, and I quote, ‘Some Canadian kid keeps streaming these things, so, what the hell, let’s add the next one.’ STOP MAKING THIS HAPPEN!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Go Ahead, Ladies, Ogle The Abs: 1313 Frankenqueen Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 31, 2014

    […] Previously, on 1313: Frankenqueen: Dude. Come on. It’s a 1313 film. Do you honestly think you missed a big chunk of the story that just ruins the story without it!? It’s a bunch of shirtless models getting picked off in slow motion. Think porno, but without porn. Or ‘O’, to be honest. […]

  2. I Can Recite This Man’s Nipples From Memory: 1313 Frankenqueen Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 2, 2014

    […] Previously, on 1313: Frankenqueen: Nipples happened while I contemplated taking up self harm. […]

  3. The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Reviewed | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 7, 2014

    […] years ago today, a wide eyed youth who never even heard of 1313 decided to start a website, and since that fateful day, we’ve all been paying for that […]

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