Archive | February, 2014

CALLING ALL MINIONS

28 Feb

HELLO, PEOPLE WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM AND EASILY BROKEN WILLS.

ARE YOU WANTING MONEY.

ARE YOU WANTING DIRECTION IN LIFE.

THAN WAIT NO MORE, COME AND WORK FOR ME FOR DELICIOUS MAN MEAT.

BE A MINION, PAY IS GOOD AND ALSO IN MEAT. DO WHAT I SAY, KILL WHO I WISH, CRINGE IN HORROR IF NEEDED.

CALLING ALL MINIONS FOR NEW MEAT SHIELD POSITIONS.

PLEASE USE THE SUBMISSION SLOT LOCATED DEEP INSIDE YOUR OWN COLON.

SIMPLY WRITE UP A MINION SUBMISSION LETTER.

BEND OVER.

ADD LUBE.

THEN THROW IT OUT AND EMAIL ME.

BE A MINION TODAY. GOOD BENEFITS. PLENTY OF VACATION TIME. VERY SLIGHT CHANCE OF BEING MURDERED BY VOLCANO FORTRESS.

APPLY NOW.

(NO DENTAL.)

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Smashing French Stereotypes, One Zombie At A Time: The Horde Review, Part Three

27 Feb

What’s that, you say? You’re tired of me splitting reviews up in to three parts instead of one big one? SHUT UP I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.

(Besides, if I save it for one part, somebody inevitably complains about how long it is, and then I have to kill again.)

I wish there were other pictures of this movie, I’ve used this one so much that I think I have the copyright.

Previously, on La HordeOutside, the zombie apocalypse is rocking, but inside, our Badass Brigade of criminals and cops are re-enacting Die Hard! They’ve gotten separated, and while one group has character driven drama, the other one teams up with the bargain bin Pyramid Head!

(Have I mentioned how much I love this movie?)

(Because I really love this movie.)

Ahem!

Back with the Old Bastard, everybody is settling in as he offers them some fine brandy! Okay, so we should add “high quality liquor” to the list of things that apparently everyone in France has.

Everyone sits around chatting for a bit, until they get their TV working, and we hear the first sign from the outside world. Seems everything has wildly gone to crap out there, which pisses off Badass to no end. Uh oh, be careful, zombies, I’m pretty sure this guy can cut you down with a well placed glare.

We cut to Aurore waking up after her clobbering, courtesy of the human pincushion, and the first thing she does is… take off her bulletproof vest? Well, I guess that’s understandable, I’m seriously doubting the zombies are going to try and pop a cap in your ass.

OR WILL THEY.

Meanwhile, the Badass Brigade are discussing exit strategies. “Let’s take the elevator shaft!”

“Yes, jumping down an elevator shaft in to a massive pit of zombies can’t possibly go wrong.”

“No no, it’s cool, we’ll throw the cop down first.”

“Goddammit I am not a cushion.”

Eventually an argument breaks out, and sides are drawn: the Suit and the Hat Guy on the side of “fuck cops”, and Moustache, Old Bastard, and Badass on the side of “fuck zombies”. But before this can get too heavy, they all pass around the cocaine, and Old Bastard straps on a bulletproof vest and sprints in to the hallway, swinging his axe and screaming like a madman.

God, I love France.

All the zombies are gone, except one, who seems to glitch the editing, causing light to flicker around her and the camera to jump! My god! She must be the Super Zombie, capable of killing them all with her bare hands! Run! Run now-

*blam*

… Right, I forgot what movie I was in for a second.

Hat Guy blew out her kneecaps, and him and the Suit start taunting the crippled zombie, jumping up and down on her and laughing at her. Aaaaaaand then they decide to try and fuck her.

Looks like this just got… DANGEROUSLY EROTIC.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

Hah! I never forget a running gag!

They try to make the “slut” zombie make-out with a disembodied head, and taunt her with how much they’re going to fuck her, and various other things to make me really, really uncomfortable… until Badass walks over and just blows her brains out! Oh right, I forgot this was The Horde, for a second I thought it was I Spit On Your Zombie Grave.

There’s some character drama between Badass and Hat Guy, inter-cut with Old Bastard fondling the corpse because wait what, until Cop Riddled With Bullets walks in! Oh my, what a touching reunion between him and Moustache!

… Or, at least, until Aurore shoots him straight through the fucking head.

… I. Love. This. Movie.

Moustache freaks out over this, and threatens to riddle her with bullets, but she’s pregnant and pissed off, and she makes him put the gun down with the sheer power of “fuck you”, then she frightens Old Bastard with the sheer power of her massive lady balls, and for an encore, gets the elevator door open. (With a crowbar, not her lady balls, although I wouldn’t put it past her.)

Everyone heads along down in to the elevator, but the Suit and Hat Guy have teamed up to rob everyone and leave them to die! That’s not really the surprising bit, the surprising bit is that this actually works, instead of having the duo burst in to flames with the power of a well timed glare.

Yeah, that’s about right.

Once they steal all of their guns and go on about how Badass was ruining Hat Guy’s life, he and the Suit ride off in the elevator. Badass screams melodramatically over this, and the Old Bastard… starts talking about how they should have let him cut off the Suit’s leg when he had the chance! “I’m just saying, if you had let me bisect him when I asked to, we’d all be way better off right now!”

Fortunately, the building super intendent has a stash of weapons, just like fucking everybody in France, so the Badass Brigade heads off to go arm themselves. They make it to the lobby… only to find an entire horde of zombies waiting outside.

Well, okay, this may look bad, but on the bright side, title drop!

With this pants crapping image out of the way, they head over to the weapons stash, which comes complete with uzis, machetes, and a heavy belt fed machine gun. 

Seriously France, who keeps giving you all these guns.

They pass by the horde again, but this time, they remember that they’re zombies, and smash through the glass to give chase. The Brigade makes it to the parking garage, and while the rest stops to barricade the door, Badass heads off to find Hat Guy! Which he does… getting eaten by a now Zombified Suit.

Nice work, Suit, you have just managed to gain the complete and undivided attention of a man so Badass, his name actually is Badass.

Nah, more badass than that.

He starts unloading his shotgun in to Suit, all the while screaming about how he’s “a fucking Nigerian” (hence that picture of a Nigerian soldier), until he runs out of ammo and just starts beating him to death with his bare hands. Jesus, I never knew being Nigerian gave you berserker rage.

(So, lets see, so far in these reviews, we know that Norwegians are immune to fire damage, French people have have +5 in improvised combat, and now Nigerians can cast berserker rage. Is it just me, or are we slowly turning nationalities in to an RPG?)

Unfortunately, when they try and head out the parking garage, they hear the entire damn horde running at them. Moustache volunteers for the Heroic Sacrifice, and while the rest of the brigade finds another way out, Moustache charges straight in to the middle of the entire fucking horde and tries to kill them with his bare fucking hands.

… At this point, we’ve moved from “review”, to me just listing all the reasons you should see this.

Surrounded by the hoard on all sides, he hops on top of car and starts duel wielding pistols and just starts raining headshots, motherfuckers! And while we cut back to seeing the remaining survivors flee, Old Bastard even gets the chance to let loose with his big machine gun before they make it down to the basement! Damn!

Hmm, I wonder how Moustache is doing.

EAT MACHETE, YOU ZOMBIE COCK SUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS!”

He says he’s doing fine.

At this point, he’s down to just beating them to death with his wang.

Unfortunately, he’s eventually overwhelmed, because even the most badass of us can’t hope to last too long against an infinite number of zombies. Farewell, sweet prince, may a choir of zombies sing thee to thy rest.

Back in the blood soaked basement, they’re trying to find the door, but instead, find… the zombies pantry?

Why do they even have that?

Apparently their pantry is… well guarded, and a combination of French Kung Fu, Nigerian Rage, and Crazy Old Guy is called upon to save the day! Old Bastard mows down so many zombies, he runs out of ammo for his massive machine gun, and while Aurore and Badass break the door down, Old Bastard decides to go down the way you always knew he would: Finishing off a horde of zombies with a point blank grenade!

And his last words? “Come to daddy, you fucking old farts, I’ll show you hardcore!”

It… it almost brings a tear to my eyes.

No, wait, that's zombie guts.

No, wait, that’s zombie guts.

Badass and Aurore escape to the outside world, which is also suddenly day now, for… some reason, and we see the smouldering wreckage of the apartment building. “… Please tell me I’m insured.”

And as Badass catches his breath, feeling safe from the threat of zombies, he doesn’t realize that he’s alone with both the only person as badass as he is, and the one who wants him fucking dead, so Aurore kindly pops a cap in his ass! Annnnnd cue credits.

So, that was The Horde, or possibly La Horde. How was it?

Fucking awesome, is the answer to that question.

It’s a movie with clever dialogue, an interesting plot, great effects, amazing characters, and a great sense of fun! But more importantly, the sense of fun shares equal ground with the characters and the horrific atmosphere. It’s walking a tight rope and looking stylish the entire time, like it doesn’t even know it’s there.

Plus, it’s French, so you can feel nice and classy while you’re watching people threatening to rape zombies!

And if that’s not a selling point, then I don’t know what is.

Yippie Ki Yay, Corpse F**ker: The Horde Review, Part Two

26 Feb

You know, I wonder, are French zombies any different from American zombies? Are they really adept at forming resistance movements against the fascist humans, or maybe eat cheese instead of brains? The only way to kill them is a fresh baguette to the skull? I’m just spit ballin’ here, people!

Why is the sky RED? Were blue skies considered too unfashionable in France?

Previously, on La Horde: The French John McLanes attacked a big apartment building just chock full of badass character actors- er, I mean, criminals, but before they can reach the fastest climax in a movie since “Premature Ejaculators Two, The Quickening”, zombies attack!

Ahem!

Our resident neighbourhood zombie hostage tosses his meat shield at them as a distraction, before getting down to trying to eat one of them, and despite the sheer power of French kung fu, they can’t beat him in to submission. So, the badass black gangster decides on plan B: Point Blank Shotgun To The Head! (This is also his plan for meeting in-laws, parking tickets, and erectile dysfunction.)

But before pants can be emptied of urine and blood, they hear more growling outside, and one of the criminals is dragged out by the legs. Jesus, chill down with the body count, movie! 50% of the cast is dead and we’re barely half an hour in!

The rest of the criminals head out to help him, except for the other black guy of the team. He gets to guard the hostages… as the two dead criminals start coming back to life.

“You know, my horoscope said this was going to be a rough day today.”

And once again, the universe fucks the virgos.

In the chaos of the zombie attacks, everyone starts fleeing for the roof, and not even the power of Badass Black Guy can stop them, but they do manage to escape with Badass Black Hat Guy, the Suit, Token Female Team Member, Moustache, and Cop Riddled With Holes. (I figure, if I’m going to be spending a movie with the rest of these schmucks, might as well get around to naming them!)

The Badass Brigade lock the door to the roof, and notice that around them, Generic French City is tearing itself apart. Which, hey, the explosions the burning city would be bad enough… if it wasn’t for the sea of zombies surrounding the building. It’s… really hard to think of a situation worse than this, unless maybe one of them is pregnant, and somehow, I’m the father.

They start trying to brainstorm a plan out, but Cop Riddled With Holes is being a tad pessimistic, talking about how fucked they all are, but he’s allowed to because he’s wearing his Redshirt today! Moustache convinces Badass that the two groups need to team up, despite the animosity, which means… that I must have thought one of the cops was dead when he really wasn’t, and Moustache has been one of the cops this whole time.

… Look, it’s not my fault! They were wearing ski masks, and I’m terrible at math unless I’m using it to measure how much blood I need to pump out of my basement!

(Don’t ask. Our easter parties are WILD.)

Finally united with the power of mutual loathing, the Badass Brigade sneaks past the zombies and back in to their hideout to grab more guns and cocaine, because I guess they’re using it as medical supplies now! Man, Snowflame must be the greatest zombie hunter ever.

Moustache and Token Female have a heart to heart about some character development, which I’d normally be all over, but it feels so… tacked on! You started your Die Hard with zombies with no character scenes, and now that everything’s jumping, now you think we should develop characters?! We already know they’re doomed to be meat shields anyway!

Anyway, TLDR, Token is a terrible girlfriend/wife/fuckbuddy, who apparently used a revelation about her being pregnant earlier this night to screw with Beardsly. Now with that over with, on with the plan! Seems this building should have been condemned years ago, because the only things that still work are the stairs, so they’re just going to have to be very sneaky and hope for the best. Oh, yeah, that’s a brilliant fucking plan, truly Machiavellian in its complexity!

The first staircase they try is coated with blood, which is rarely a good sign unless you’re watching a children’s movie, so they have to head across to the other staircase, through a floor composed almost entirely of flickering lights. And of course, this is when the zombies call them up on the radio to taunt them, right?

Well, no, but I CAN DREAM, DAMMIT.

Something keeps grunting and growling in the dark, just like whenever I go to church, and they eventually find more zombies, also just like whenever I go to church. The Suit, Token, and Cop Riddled With Bullets gets separated from the rest of the group, and while the other two are off doing god knows what, the Suit is single handedly trying to beat two super fast, super strong zombies with his bare hands. 

AND HE WINS.

Somebody want to explain to me about how “horror movie protagonists should be weak”, again?

After pulling out a switch blade and finishing them off, he finally opens the door to leave as more come, and despite getting munched on while they struggle to get the door open, the Suit still makes it out in one piece! Damn, point one for the French! And when the other zombies head after them, Badass breaks the door window, and guns them right the fuck down with his shotgun!

Oh my god, I love this movie.

Badass insists that, like it or not, Moustache is the only cop on a team full of cons now, and he’d better learn to adapt without his backup dancers, but Moustache insists Token and Cop Riddled With Bullets are dead now, and he’d better learn to live with that!

… Annnnd cut to Token beating a zombie to death with a kitchen. She smashes her head in the cabinet, with a platter, a glass ash tray, snaps her neck, and for the fatality, just drops the fucking fridge on her! (Oooh, be careful, Indiana Jones is in there.)

“OH GOD HELP I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LAND THIS THING.”

Back with the rest of the Brigade, they find that a massive chunk of the building, including the staircase, has been blown up. “Okay, guys, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think we just have to kill enough zombies, dump them down the hole, and use them as a cushion! It’s fucking fool proof!”

They hear a chopping and hacking in the next room, and head over to find a massive beast of an old man, with a big butchers apron, and an axe that looks like he pulled it out of Satan’s colon, hacking some corpses to death. Well. He certainly looks friendly.

He starts asking them about how many Chinese people they’ve killed, which… is definitely a sign of stable, stable health! Seems he’s viewing this like a video game, cackling over his kill count and the massive hole he blew in the wall- okay, seriously, does fucking everybody in France have explosives?!

The Old Bastard, as Suit refers to him and frankly I think it’s the best possible name for a bargain bin Pyramid Head, notices Suit’s bite wound and offers to “take care of him”. Okay, see, this is a bad sign! When the old man starts talking like that, it means he’s either going to kill you, or strip naked. Either way, RUN.

Over with Token and C.R.W.B, they find a blood soaked corpse, having blown his own brains out, showing gore and blood all over the happy pictures on the wall. God, this is truly such a perverse, mindless tragedy, one which we must spend several minutes dwelling on- hah hah hah! Had you going there, didn’t I? “Loot his corpse and meet me in the kitchen, I’m going to see if I can try and crossbreed vodka with coffee in to some sort of concentrated zombie murder juice.”

Back with the Old Bastard, they’re treating Suit’s bite wound, propping him up, cleaning the wound, prepping the axe, all the sorts of things you do for a wound like tha- wait. Axe?

“I’m going to chop off your leg.”

… Well. At least you were direct about it, most old men I date try and pussy foot around the issue!

Once you see your doctor start pulling out the axes, you know it’s officially time to panic.

There is, understandably, some objection on this point, and a shouting match soon breaks out, which Badass finds endlessly amusing! “Oh, sure, laugh it up, maybe we’ll get a zombie to bite your knob, see how you like high speed amputation!”

We cut to Token- actually, she’s so badass, I’ll call her by her actual name- Aurore and Cop Riddled With Bullets, who tries to apologize for being a bitch to her over the pregnancy thing… until she says “fuck your apology”, sees he’s turning in to a zombie, and orders him to cuff himself. But even half dead, half zombie, on cocaine, and sitting on the floor, he’s French, so he’s still badass enough to knock her out with one smack with the butt of his gun.

(You know, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I’m so going to France. Everyone there is apparently a badass cocaine ninja who can beat the zombie equivalent of Superman with their bare hands, shotguns and copious amounts of plastic explosives!)

(Note to self, use that as a band name.)

You Have Disturbed The Hor- Er, French Language Film: The Horde Review, Part One

25 Feb

God, you know how bad things have gotten around here, what with the crazy crackhead power hour, Life Of Fuck Consistent Upload Times, and the Russian Teleporting Joker, when I have to say to myself, “Oh hey, a zombie movie! How fucking original!”

“The Die Hard Of Zombie Flicks”? If this movie has a zombie Alan Rickman, I’m going to have to marry it.

Yes, today we’re looking at a French horror film, The Horde! Or, La Horde, if you feel like being pretentious. Which of course you do. God, I have so missed a good old fashioned zombie film! As long as it doesn’t rape everything I hold dear, I’ll be happy.

Ahem!

We open to a man with a bushy beard, dead in the dirt. Oh god, who killed Santa?! We zoom out to see a man with an equally bushy bead standing over him, staring at him like he’s waiting for him to apologize for breaking wind at his grandmas funeral.

A dramatic music cue later, we cut to a funeral procession. Well, at least, I assume it’s a funeral procession. I’ve never actually seen one, usually our family funerals are composed entirely of vodka paralysers and The Night Pat Murphy Died on repeat. Our beardy friend from earlier is standing over the grave, and staring at it, but not in any particular way, in a way that just says, “Yep. This is… sure a grave, huh.”

“Diagnosis: Still a grave.”

Eventually, the rest of the party gets bored of watching the “All Grave, All The Time” channel, and starts to disappear. One of the older women walks over to a guy with much less of a beard, and tells him that she knows what he’s doing, and to bring them all back alive. Lady, it’s a zombie movie, the line between alive and dead stopped being relevant a couple hours ago.

We cut to Beardsly and his three back-up dancers, grabbing ski masks and guns, and heading to attack a big disused skyscraper. Jesus, French movies don’t screw around, huh? We’re barely five minutes in, and we’re already re-enacting Die Hard without the charm, or Tower Heist without the soul crushing depression.

They spy a way inside, but it’s guarded by a single guy who I think is only out here for his cell reception, and one of the ruffians decides to pull a fucking grenade. He manages to even pull the pin out before one of his compatriots just knocks the guard out instead. So, wait, what’s going to happen to that grenade? Is he just going to try to stick it in place with chewing gum, or is he going to clench it between his buttocks for the whole movie?

Beardsly isn’t happy about this whole “not getting to murder someone” thing, so he shoves a knife in the unconscious guard. You know, like a big squishy stress ball, only you have to wash your hands and stop by a confessional after you use it.

So, like EVERY stress ball, right?

After the title card jump-cut, we cut to the Beardsly Brigade finding the staircase up the building. “Jesus, how many stairs ARE THERE?! Can’t we just take over a smaller building? Maybe one with an escalator?”

The building’s super intendant sneaks up on them with a shotgun, expecting them to be criminals, because, you know, they’re murderous assholes. What’s that, you say? You thought they were criminals too? Oh, don’t be so silly! These are cops.

… Ah, of course. The ski masks and grenades gave it away.

The super intendant exposits about everything he knows about the criminals who have apparently taken up residence in this building, before taking the time for some political commentary. Oh, ho ho ho, commentary about how poor people are forced to live in big condemned buildings by evil criminals! It’s… apparently a thing that France does?

The Brigade finds their way to the centre of the evil lair, and engage in Operation: Fuck Due Process Of Law. This mostly consists of wandering up the hallway, seeing no one, and when they find a locked door… rigging it up with plastic explosives?!

Who keeps giving this stuff to the French police department?!

They also have a hydrogen bomb in the trunk of their car.

Unfortunately, the super runs over and starts yelling about how he wants to pretty pretty please join the secret mission, and this sets the criminals off. Well, only one criminal, really, a big black guy who manages to blast one of the Brigade’s head off, set off of the plastic explosives, and for a finishing move, taking down the super, all without breaking a sweat. So, this movie has so far depicted the French police department as murderous, amoral assholes who like to kill whenever possible, carry high explosives, but completely fail against the might of one black guy. OUR PROTAGONISTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

(Although, to be fair, that guy looks like his balls are so big, they absorb the sheer mass of everyone else’s balls through the power of radical.)

Eventually, the rest of the criminals mobilize and drag the dazed and injured cops in. They start demanding why they’re here, and what they want, and just to make sure that it’s definitely not that hostage they have locked in the bathroom… they shoot the hostage!

… You’re not exactly the brains of this operation, huh.

One of the criminals rushes to one of the guards to demand that they lock everything down, and his dog escapes in to the dark… only to suddenly disappear with a yelp.

Oh my.

Something rotting this way comes…

Back inside, the Brigade admits that they’re acting alone here, and they’re just trying to get revenge on a cop they killed. Realizing the honesty of this statement… the black guy shoots Beardsly. “Admittedly, I can’t think of a reason to shoot him, but I also can’t think of a reason not to!”

There is a hushed moment of silence… until something starts clawing at the door, and in the horizon, we see the city light up with explosions. Oh, so it’s not just the cops, everyone in France has fucking bombs.

The criminals open the door, slowly… carefully… and the hostage reaches over and kindly snaps the puny one’s neck! Yes, it seems he’s alive once more, and just a tiny bit pissed over the whole “pointless murder”, but fortunately, the criminals have a plan!

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

Any minute now…

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

I’m sure he’s almost dead…

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

*blam*

… Okay! Who’s up for a new plan!

You People Really Hate Lumosity, Huh?

24 Feb

Top Three Most Viewed Pages On This Site

Home Page. (Well, obviously.)

Hot Gay Sex: The Movie. (Even more obvious. You guys are apparently wonderfully horny!)

And finally, Lumosity, Burn In Hell!

Wow, you know, it’s very comforting to know that I’m not the only one who hates those fuckers! Let’s all unite together in our hatred, and bring about world peace!

The Crazy Crackhead Power Hour: Lovely Molly Review, Part Three

23 Feb

You know, it’s funny. I spend so much time going on about how to create a perfect protagonist, how to mold them, how to let them connect with your audience… and then Lovely Molly just gives an insane stalker who does heroin and boinks ghosts!

ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING.

Those are some creepy horses, and knowing Molly so far, she’s going to try and fuck ’em.

Previously, on Lovely Molly: We got to watch as Molly tried to boink everything with a dick or a reasonable facsimile of one, including her own dead father, and injected herself with more heroin than the producers when they were greenlighting this movie, oh snap!

Ahem!

Tim has to literally drag Molly back up to bed, while all the while she’s alternating between proclaiming her sanity and swearing at her dead father. Holy hell, lady, you’ve got more crazy than a bucket full of Kardashians!

While in bed, she tells Tim that the ghost says he needs to stop. “Stop? But honey, you were all over my back door last night-”

“Not what I meant!”

“Oh! … So we can keep going?”

“Duh!”

Sorry, folks, this is the closest these two are getting to marital bliss.

The next morning, the duo head over to the doctor’s office for some anti-being-a-crazy-bitch pills, as well as some sleeping pills. Ah, yes, giving a psychopath industrial strength sleeping pills is certainly a good idea, and not going to result in her making a Nyquil And Raspberry Torte for her husband at all!

Actually, I think that might have been a better idea, because at least then, she’d be asleep. Instead, she wakes up in the middle of the night, only to find a screwdriver under her bed. And, like everyone who’s been screwed by a handyman, she starts freaking out!

Tim is understandably confused, and despite the fact that there couldn’t be less of a monster if this was Monster A Go-Go, she still ends up curled in the fetal position in the closet, clutching the camcorder. And this is where Tim… kind of rolls a zero on his “Husband” roll, and starts screaming at her and trying to force the camera away. But he eventually overcomes his brief lapse in to “asshole”, and they kiss and make up!

Wait, did I say “kiss”? I mean, she starts trying to tear his face off with her teeth while he screams and struggles to free his poor tortured face until she hops away like a frog, covered in his blood!

Jesus christ, I had an old girlfriend like that once.

Molly’s sister comes over, and when she points out that Tim definitely needs stitches, he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. Ah, good, it’s nice to know that batshit insanity travels by saliva. And speaking of which, Molly’s sister starts in with the screaming too, once he points out that they need to call the cops. “They’ll put her back in that mental institution!”

… Well. Yeah, that’s what they tend to do to people who are FUCKING INSANE!

Pictured: A boring sunday for Molly.

We cut to Molly wandering the woods with her camcorder once again, this time observing her sister as she tries to find her. Her sister does actually catch on, and starts chasing after her, because surprise surprise, Little Miss Duela Dent is apparently not the fucking Predator!

The sister follows her down in to the basement, where Molly is engaging in her usual hobby. You know how it is, some people collect stamps, some people work on cars, and apparently some people stab their basement ceiling as they’re coated in blood! Well, whatever keeps you busy, I guess.

As Molly stabs, suddenly, the ceiling gives way… and a dead deer falls out!

You know, you’d think that would have come up at some point while they’re talking to the real estate agent. “It’s a beautiful fixer upper, with a door that never locks, a hole to hell itself, a forest for people who like to walk pets and their own little psychopath, a walk in closet, and the stench of rotting meat!”

“Mmm hmm, mmm hmm, does it have any rotting carcasses?”

“Only if you foreclose on your mortgage.”

“Gotcha, gotcha.”

Aren’t you glad I’m not adding a picture of a rotting deer?

Seems Molly’s friendly neighbourhood drug addled hallucination has been telling her that her sister was the one who murdered her dad, and under the advice of such a reasonable source, she decided to go stab a dead deer! But of course! I understand that’s how stock managers make all their decisions.

The next day, Molly’s sister attempts to comfort her after the usual sister tiff. You know how sisters are, you stole my shirt, you were in my room, you accused me of murdering our father after you stabbed a dead deer, etcetera, etcetera! Molly refuses to stay with her sister for a few days to get the smell of crazy out of her clothes, and when the sister insists, Molly plays her trump card: Threatening to disembowel her nephew like a pig! I’m pretty sure the president ends his debates the same way.

She starts cackling quietly to herself at that, which is the sign for Molly’s sister to get at least ten miles away from the Crazy Crackhead Power Hour, and a sign for Molly to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes! She starts pleading with nothing again, before wandering away to… film the little kids sleeping?! I- jus- gah- WHAT?! 

Actually, I’m not sure why I’m even surprised at this point.

This isn’t the craziest thing she’s done today- hell, this isn’t even the craziest thing she’s done in the last five minutes.

And in the next room, Molly gets to film Tim getting it on with the children’s mom. And please notice that I didn’t say “cheating”, because once you’ve tried to eat your husband’s face, his penis is officially up for grabs.

We cut to her engaging in her favourite hobby, sitting in the corner completely naked, when a car pulls up! Seems the pastor from earlier is back, and when she greets him in her altogether, he does what any man would do: Cunnilingus!

… Do all religions do that? Because if so, I am joining the clergy like that.

Yes, it seems that the pastor, a man so terrified of vaginas that he sprinted away at a full gallop at just the thought of one, has decided he must partake of her holy Eucharist! Or, in other words, he needs to eat the bread of her body! Or, his satanic snake is just urging him to take her forbidden fruit! Or, he wants to give her the ol’ pillar of salt! Or, he’s going to take her to the cross and “nail” her in! Or, he wants to introduce her to the twelve disciples in his pants! Or-

[Editor’s Note: How many of these do you have?!]

Oh, I haven’t even gotten to the bad ones yet. Now, the Son, the Father, and the Holy Ghost all walk in to a bar…

… And then the altar boy said, that’s not the stainglass window, that’s my ass!

After a quick cut, we get to see the usual little post coital bliss: She’s sitting on a toilet, and he’s dead in the bathtub, covered in bite marks!

All of my filthy jokes feel really, really inappropriate now.

Molly leaves a message on the phone for her sister, proclaiming her innocence, which is… really hard to do when she’s coated in the blood of the man she chewed to death. Seriously, her jaw must be wicked strong. (Oh, and while she’s going that, we get to see that she’s cut the horses out of all the pictures. FORESHADOWING FORESHADOWING FORESHADOWING.)

We cut to Tim driving to Molly’s house, only to pass a big cop gathering as they all investigate some missing person. Which, you know, that’s all dramatic and spooky and everything, but really, I’m more worried about the fact that he’s seriously going home?! Jesus fuck, usually when a woman tries to chew your face off, it’s generally a big keep away sign!

Well. That, or she’s a terrible flirt.

No, no, I mean, “eat your face off” terrible.

He heads up to the bedroom and finds the video camera showing off his infidelity… which was all an elaborate trap for her to sneak up behind him and bash his brains in with a baseball bat! So, how long was she waiting there, anyway? Just sitting around, hoping he’d come in and justify the money she paid for this bat? “Lah de dah, gonna kill my huuuuusband…”

Molly drags him down in to the basement, and the first thing he does when he wakes up is apologize- wait, he’s the one who’s apologizing?! Cheating is a terrible, shitty thing, but not as bad as SERIAL KILLING! And she decides to acknowledge his apology by… shoving an ice pick through the back of his head! And, before you can even finish vomiting at that, she sneaks in to the woods to video tape the cops finding the woman’s children… who she murdered as well!

NEW HIGH SCORE!

ENTER GHOST FUCKING INITIALS HERE.

After she engages in yet more curling in the fetal position, buck naked and weeping, she decides to stand up and walk out the front door… only to be greeted by a tall man in a suit, with a massive wolf for a head!

Wait, what.

Wait, what.

So… what, was she actually possessed the whole time? Was Molly telling the truth about ghost dad? Ooooooor did the movie decide to suddenly give us a look in to her psychosis, and she actually was just legitimately fucking insane?

Yeeeah, I’m putting my vote on that one.

An unspecific amount of time later, Molly’s sister shows up, and all the furniture is gone. Except for a photo album, which… has horse heads taped on her dad’s face? And then she stands up dramatically and points at the closet? And cue credits?

Okay then!

“CINATAS PUORG GUH?”

So, that was Lovely Molly! How was it?

… Huh.

Lovely Molly is really one of the strangest movies I’ve reviewed on here, but I’m not quite sure that’s a bad thing! For one, it utterly excels in it’s creepy, minimalist tone. And for another, it’s unique, a character study where you’re left to draw your own conclusions about the “ghost”, Molly’s insanity, and whether or not biting is sexy!

[Editor’s Note: … Wait, you think biting is sexy?]

MOVING ON.

Hey Molly, You’re So Fine, You’re So Fine You Blow My Mind, Hey Molly: Lovely Molly Review, Part Two

22 Feb

I’m really not sure what to call Lovely Molly! Found footage? Straight horror? A ghost movie? The worst honeymoon ever? Some bizarre, dangerously erotic combination thereupon?

[Note to self, remember “Dangerously Erotic Combination” as the name for my memoir.]

Holy hell, is that your face, or rotten upholstery?

Previously, on Lovely MollyWe juggled genres, made enough filthy jokes that I keep getting ads for Porn Hub, and had the most depressing birthday that doesn’t involve trying to raise Cthulhu!

Ahem!

After the cop pops in and tells Molly that he can’t really arrest anyone on a charge of “Conspiracy To Shake Doors”, we cut to Molly and her sister at work, as Molly begs her sister for more weed on hands and knees. Oh, yeah, this is DEFINITELY the sign of a balanced psyche.

She says no, and after Molly storms off, we cut to her going home again. And hey, you can deride this movie for a lot (and I do mean a lot) of things, but it definitely does a great job in making this place seem alien and dangerous, without really doing anything! Like a loaded gun, the whole house just sits there, ready to eat your soul at the slightest provocation.

[Editor’s Note: Wait, guns eat your soul?]

Yeah, Canadians don’t fuck around when it comes to firearms.

Molly wanders around, messes with lamps, calls Tim, and settles down to bed. But she’s woken up on in the middle of the night when she starts hearing somebody weeping in the resident creepy closet. Wow, nobody would have been scared of the monster in the closet if they knew he was such a pussy.

“Do… do you want a hug, Mr. Monster?”

After staring at it as if it owes her money for really far, far too long, we cut back to the found footage. It consists almost entirely of Molly wandering around the neighbourhood in the dark, humming at the top of her lungs, and stalking people while they eat dinner.

Well. This just got incredibly rapey.

While you’re still trying to wash the “oh god why” off, we cut to Tim finally getting home. He finds Molly in the room of the creepy closet, completely naked, staring at the wall, and the only thing she says is, “He’s still alive”. Of course, anyone who’s been married before would be well used to this behaviour from their wife, but Tim is confused for some reason. Pssh, amateur. 

We cut to her in the bath, with Tim still very awkwardly trying to hold a conversation. “So. Um. How was your birthday?”

“…”

“Get any good presents?”

“…”

“Did you read any good books?”

“I snuck in to people’s yards at night and video taped their children.”

“See this is why we can’t have nice things.”

After that, we cut to them driving together, with Tim asking who she was talking about when she said he’s alive. And of course, she just looks away and refuses to answer. Oooh, bad sign, Tim, I think that means she’s cheating on you with Lord Satan. And speaking of which, it turns out they’re driving to a church! No no, everyone, get your gun out of your mouth, it’s not that bad, it turns out it’s the church from Blues Brothers!

We cut to that night, and Molly once again wakes up to wander around the house aimlessly. You know, lady, half your problems would be over if you just took some fucking Nyquil. She heads upstairs to the attic and starts riffling through her photo album, weeping, and disembowelling her teddy bear. Holy hell, this lady has more psychological problems than ABCs Of Deaths had poop jokes.

She finds a wrapped up roll of parchment with a spoon and needle inside, and as if to prove my “psychological issues” point, her night of weeping at family photos has turned Molly on so much that she starts boinking Tim the moment he wakes up. Holy fuck, either she’s looking for some form of emotional connection, or has gone so far around the bend that she thinks his dick is a rainbow and her vagina is the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

After Tim’s breakfast burns because he’s too busy offering some wang based therapy, he runs off to go keep the house from burning down, and now that the world no longer revolves around her clitoris, she leaves for work. Wow, I think this is the most depressing two people fucking can be, and I have a monthly subscription for “Misery Climax.com”.

While pushing around a big cart (an important part of any job, to be sure), a creepy shadow starts making horse noises at her. Oh god, it looks like [INSERT MY LITTLE PONY REFERENCE HERE LOOK I DON’T WATCH THAT SHOW OKAY] has finally snapped!

When she gets home, she relaxes with her teddy bear in her crotch because she doesn’t have a pool boy to do it instead, and then pulls out the camera to talk about how crazy she is. Turns out, she was a little cuckoo after her dad died, and nobody ever believed the crazy things she saw. Oh, boo hoo, so your dad died, join the fucking club!

Your membership card should arrive in about a week.

After Molly pledges that she’s going to show everyone this time, which… sounds more than a little murderous, we cut to her waking up in the middle of the night again, but this time, there’s a reason! Something is thumping around in the hallway outside, and she grabs the camera to record it. It opens the door annnnnd… we see nothing! Molly screams a lot, we hear more thumping, and then the door just closes. Jesus christ, I haven’t seen a climax fail like this since… when Tim and Molly tried to bang, I guess.

The next day, she goes in to work, but gets called in to the bosses office to see some security camera footage. Seems like, after she saw the shadow of Fluttershy (hah, knew I’d find an MLP reference eventually), she walked over, and… started fucking it.

… Is there anything you won’t put in your vagina, Molly?

She bursts out laughing, and starts going on about “how I am supposed to know who that man was”, despite the fact that the only thing availing itself to her back door was her own imagination (or possibly the aforementioned Lucky Charms Leprechaun), and the boss fires her on the spot. Oh, really? You’re saying that public anal sex with the hoary hosts of the netherworld can get you fired, well, bless my stars!

Either that, or Mr. Invisible has stopped asking permission.

Either that, or Mr. Invisible is less of a gentleman than we all assumed.

Molly’s sister drives her home, and to assuage her sorrow over losing her job, Molly- starts stalking more kids in the woods?! Good god, lady, you gives pedophiles a bad name! Even John Wayne Gacy took some time off to zip up his pants and rotate the chickens!

Eventually, one of the children spots her, so she flees in to the woods. She finds a deer, and despite all of her characterization to the contrary, she doesn’t take the time to try and fuck this too! Good job, you can learn!

We cut to her having a conversation about getting drunk with the local pastor. Seems Tim called him in to try and make her less crazy, which is always a nice thing for a husband to do! What isn’t a nice thing for a wife to do is her trying to seduce him. Yes, yes, a crazy woman flashing her panties is totally going lead a man from his God. Molly, haven’t you learnt yet, that only works if their God is Dionysus or they have unbelievably low standards!

As expected, he sprints out of the house as if her vagina is actually a live explosive, and meanwhile, she’s… injecting heroin in to her arm! You know, you wouldn’t expect a woman to engage in a torrid cycle of debauchery and drugs when she spends all day alone in a house. Usually, somebody else has to get involved to turn somebody in to a drug addled woman of the night, but apparently she’s content just stealing drugs from herself and selling her body to an empty hallway!

HOT.

We cut to Molly barging in to her sister’s house, where she starts ranting and raving like, oh, I don’t know, somebody high on heroin. But her sister manages to calm her down, just as she promises not to send her to the nuthouse again. Oh, yeah, good point, it’s not as if you’re FUCKING INSANE!

The next day, Molly is… stalking the mother of those children at the mall?!

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Tim finally gets home, and opens all the windows to let the smell of drugged up lunatic out, and finds her little collection of needles, spoons, and tubes. Not that she was hiding it, or anything, she just keeps it out on the dining room table, in case she wants to have some cheerios with a side order of heroin in the morning.

Tim talks to her over dinner, telling her that he’s going to make her go to rehab (no, no, no), and during the night, he notices her once again wandering away. But he follows her, and finds her muttering crazily in to her camcorder. He confronts her over how fucking insane this is, and she says, no no no, I’m not having a psychotic episode, I’m just talking to my invisible dead father!

 

Oooh, meeting the in-laws is always tough.