Dead Man Whining: Life Of Deaths, Part Five

2 Feb

Have you ever seen something that you’re pretty sure is dangerous, but you have no way to be sure? Like an old landmine, or a truck stop sandwich, or an ex-girlfriend? And you just know, just know that you’re going to have to go mess around with it, just to be sure?

That’s kinda how I feel about Life Of Deaths.

Previously, on Life Of DeathsThe Amazing Whiny Man, Peter Parker, and his incredible power to rewind the plot- er, I mean, “come back to life”, has been called for a secret rendezvous by his ex-girlfriend… but it turns out, she’s been kidnapped by Flash Thomson! Zut alore! Something’s actually happening! Bless my stars!

Ahem!

After their own little recap segment which is severely lacking in snark so what’s even the point, we open with Parker walking up to the bridge, calling for Gwen Stacy… only to be ambushed by Flour Henchman and muzzled with a bag over his head. Yeah, little known fact, if you put a bag over a mopy protagonist, he thinks it’s night and falls asleep.

He wakes up under the bridge, tied to a chair, with Flash starting up his villain monologue while swinging a baseball bat around. Oh no… he’s turned from Flash Thomson… TO VENOM!

[Editor’s Note: … How long have you been waiting for that one?]

Way too fucking long, thanks for noticing!

Seems like Venom’s plan is, A) wait for Carnage to get there, B) do enough drugs so their bloodstreams aren’t technically a fluid any more, C) beat the hostages to death with baseball bats, and finally D), profit.

And that’s when… Venom starts ranting about how he fucked Gwen, and possibly even raped her, considering how he talks about how innocent she was and how he had to “fix that” and how she cried and… yeah. You know, I get this is supposed to make us hate Venom and… well, when you look at it like that, this worked 100%! It also made me ashamed to have a penis, a sex drive, and functioning chromosomes, so we can count that as a bonus!

God, it’s funny, this week alone I’ve watched two web series with scenes about psychopaths (This, and Tribe Twelve, if you’re curious)… and it’s HABIT, the eldritch abomination serial killer torturer with a knife fetish and the ability to bend time and space to his fucking will who I’m finding the more pleasant company!

(Example below, but be warned, serious spoilers for Tribe Twelve and the EverymanHybrid. Start at about 4:27 if you want to see what I’m talking about.)

He goes on and on about how he boinked Gwen Stacy, which just manages to exceed “menacing” and go straight in to “trying too hard”. “No no, guys, I swear, I’m straight! I totally plowed this chick, and the big phallic bat I’m swinging around absolutely isn’t Freudian!”

Finally, Carnage and two more henchmen show up, and demands to know why he has two teenagers tied to chairs. “Jesus christ, I already told you, I’m not allowed 500 miles near anyone under 18.”

“… I’m under 18.”

“Fuck, really? Okay, stuff these balloons down your shirt and bend over, I think I can make this work.”

Venom tells Carnage that Parker is the one who owes him the 5000 dollars, and Carnage starts yelling about how Parker owes him for his “blow”. Wait… “blow” refers strictly to cocaine, and not only did we see Parker taking various and completely different looking types of pills, cocaine doesn’t actually come in cocaine form! And true, that could be what Parker injected in to himself, as it can be injected and in fact has the largest concentration that way, that would imply that he got all those other pills completely free! And besides, I went back and watched that scene over again, and if there is anything in those needles, it’s definitely not white powder!

So, I guess we can add “drugs” to the long list of things the writers never bothered googling.

Also on this list is “bodily injury”, “religion”, “relationships”, and “dubbing”.

Parker admits this, and Carnage smacks him upside his head for the troubles. Hey, looks like I just found my new favourite character! Carnage orders his flunkies to untie him, because it’s the dumbest thing he can do right now other than castrate himself with the bat or eat his own head, and it’s time for the fight scene! Quick, Parker, use your Whiner Sense to evade him! No? That’s not something you can actually do?

Well.

You’re fucked, I guess.

They engage in a purely Shatnerian fight scene, until all the flunkies get bored just standing around and failing to look intimidating and gather around Parker to beat him in to a bloody pulp. Sadly, it’s all off screen, but we do get to hear his blood curdling scream of agony, and that’s always a pick-me-up!

Nice work, Carnage, he’s dead! Now he’ll be sure to pay you the money back-

Shit.

They all walk away, proud of a job well butchered, until Parker gets back up again. Seems God decided to throw him a freebie resurrection even though this wasn’t a suicide, and he starts taunting Carnage. You know, it’s a real shame. A little bit more sass, maybe a bit more personality, or at least him breathing hard to show he’s not a whiny Ubermensch, and this would be a great scene! Instead, it’s Parker mouthing off until you wish they managed to do their damn job right.

Carnage beats him with a bat with the sound effects of a cymbal… because reanimation turns you in to a percussion instrument? Anyway, he slams Parker against the wall and uses a claw hammer to dig out one of his rib cages, and- hey! Blood! So you do remember that the cardiovascular system, you know, exists!

We’ll teach you yet!

Of course, Parker is still kicking, and after a few (much funnier and more effective) taunts, Carnage tries to take him out with a gun. This is so ineffective, that not only does Parker not bleed… you know, at all, but it doesn’t even rip open his shirt! Holy hell, is he the Amazing Whiny Man, or the Amazing Slender Man?

[Editor’s Note: Really? MORE Tribe Twelve references?]

Oh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of fuck you!

Carnage, now thoroughly spooked out, drops his gun and leaves, because there’s no such thing as “evidence” or “police” in this universe, and his entourage quickly follows. Oh, nice call, Mr. “Wants Lots Of Money”, there’s absolutely no possible way you can get money off a regenerating immortal!

Blood donor, organ donor, hair donor, bone donor, sperm donor, freak show, performance artist, trapeze artist, crash test dummy, religious advocate, religious figure, religious spokesperson, religious crash test dummy, test subject, soldier for hire, prostitute for incredibly dangerous fetishes and, most obvious at all, infinite source of Soylent Green!

But other than those, nothing at all, right?

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4 Responses to “Dead Man Whining: Life Of Deaths, Part Five”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. None Of These Are A Good Day To Die: Life Of Deaths, Part Six | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 9, 2014

    […] On Life Of Deaths: Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, has managed to save his ex-girlfriend from the Legion Of […]

  2. When There’s No More Room To Whine, The Dead Will Walk The Earth: Life Of Deaths, Part Seven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 10, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: Due to the sheer power of Life Of Deaths’ marketing genius (hah hah hah hah), the […]

  3. Dying Is Easy, Comedy’s Hard: Life Of Deaths, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 17, 2014

    […] Previously, on Life Of Deaths: The might of the U.S government (and by that, I mean two character actors) have fallen against Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny-Man, and his girlfriend, Gwen Stacy of Borg. Wait, “girlfriend”? Yes, it turns out all it takes to make up for being a total heartless bitch is also being completely fucking vacuous! […]

  4. Death Is Only The Beginning: Life Of Deaths Review, Part Nine | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 2, 2014

    […] on Life Of Deaths: Peter Parker, the Amazing Whiny Man, is shacking up with Gwen Stacy of Borg, to whom emotions […]

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